I've Reached That Point Again

I remember very vividly how I felt when I reached this point with the twins.  Up to that point, life had been crazy!  Everything felt stressful to me!  I dreaded them waking up and looked forward to them going to bed.  Every part of daily life and routines felt like a heavy chore that I was just trudging along to get through or looking for a reason to avoid.  I was exhausted.  I was overwhelmed.  I was out of ideas.

Then one day it just changed.  I don't remember what happened that made me make the change - but something happened.  I think I probably started reading my scriptures every morning and keeping a clean house and taking my vitamins and minerals and going to bed at a decent hour.  But I remember realizing one week that it had been a FABULOUS week!  I was enjoying my children immensely!  I looked forward to bathtime, story time, scripture time, singing time, playing time, meal time, all the time.  I was so calm and relaxed as I experienced every one of these things WITH my children and didn't just complete them FOR my children.  And when I felt that change, I left their room one night and shut the door and just stood there sobbing.  Everything about life was totally different.  Everything.

And yet I know that really I was the only thing that changed.

Here I am again, more than a year and another baby later.  And it has been a FANTASTIC month for me!  For the first time in over a year - everything feels so fantastic!!!  My house is in order like it hasn't been in order since I moved here - at least consecutively and consistently in order since I moved here.  I have more and more moments like last night where I don't feel like I'm at WAR with my children -- and I feel totally equipped to handle them, being in control of MY emotions and feelings and therefore the situation.  I have meals down pat!  I'm totally on top of cooking and cleaning and healthy eating in ways I've planned to the last detail to be for . . . forever!  I look forward to story time and song time and prayers.

And even cleaning up tonight was so much fun -- all of us were working together.  That little Abby is a TROOPER, a dynamite helper, and so independent it kills me sometimes that she's already there.  Isaac needs a little more help staying focused sometimes -- those darn toys just look too fun to put away without playing with them for just one moment longer!  But we get through that and he gets back into focus, and he's always the first to start singing the Clean Up song.  And even Brianna had fun while we cleaned, discovering the air purifier and pulling herself up to stand next to it and play with the buttons, startling and falling down when her curious face was met with a gust of air from the vent, and then pulling herself up again to try and figure it all out!  It was awesome for ALL of us!  The kids filled in the blanks with the rhymes in their books.  Isaac made up songs about whatever came to mind to the tune of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" and kept at it for more than a half hour after he got into bed.  And rather than be aggravated that he wasn't asleep already, I just enjoyed his lyrics and creativity and sat down the hall just listening to him sing his little heart out! (Dave, bless his heart, was exhausted from the Benedryl he took to combat the allergies that hit him like a load of bricks when he got back from his campout - or he would have been singing and having fun with us, too!)

I'm not going to pretend that every day is a Jolly Holiday with Mary "Mommy" Poppins around here.  Because it SO is not!  And I still have nights where I dread going to sleep because I simply don't have a thing on the agenda for the next day and know I have two energetic toddlers to try and teach and prepare and entertain and love and an infant who is catching up too quickly for my comfort.  And that in and of itself can be completely overwhelming!  I wish I had a "what to do with your children day by day, 365 days a year, from birth to 18-years-old: a parents complete guide to raising brilliant, responsible, kind, disciplined, hard-working, obedient, independent, spiritually-solid, confident, competent, talented, humble, gracious (and any other adjective you want to add along the way) children."

But then again, I have a feeling that such a book would lead to me being an absolute nervous wreck of a mother for the rest of my childrens' lives.  Because I really think that my literal change of heart comes when I stop trying to fit into a day what everyone else says or thinks I should, when I stop feeling that everyone is looking at me and judging me and finding me wanting in every possible way.  When I let go of the should be's and would be's and could be's and just let myself work through and laugh at and appreciate and value and ENJOY what IS -- messy, clean, tantrums, food fights, scary dinosaurs that hiss at the people behind us in church, looks that could kill someone who's been dead for 50 years, hugs, apologies, gratitude, I love you's, please-and-thank-yous, the WHOLE gammit -- I find JOY in the JOURNEY!  And when that happens, I find that my children find JOY in ME!  And then I'm more prepared and inclined to naturally do . . . better.

Banana Mixed with Banana Chocolate Chip

Tonight Isaac had a hard time falling asleep.  Maybe it was to do me a favor because Dave is on a campout with the Young Men/Scouts in our ward and I was NOT looking forward to a night all by myself.  But whatever it was . . . it was pretty intense.  But that's Isaac.  First he cried and cried and cried.  Then he cried.  Then he screamed.  Then he cried.  And he woke Brianna up every single time.  So finally I went in, armed and dangerous.

Then I remembered that kids meet you in the same attitude/voice you take to them and decided to take it down a few notches.  He said he was hungry, and though I didn't really believe him, after an hour and a half of weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth and really, really, really wanting to put his sister to bed for the LAST time of the night, I caved.  I had two quick/non-messy foods in the kitchen: a banana and a banana chocolate chip muffin that didn't rise when I baked it because I opened the oven to "check" on it, and it therefore has lasted a few days in a ziploc bag on my counter.  I took both.

He opted for the banana.  Perfect.  I left it with him and . . . left.

Just as I got Brianna back to sleep --- BAM!  Screaming, crying, more weeping, wailing, gnashing of teeth. And an echo of it from Brianna who was once again disrupted in our every attempt to get her some sleep.

Again, I went in armed and ready for a fight.  And again the voice in my head - love that voice sometimes - warned me to take it easy and set the tone.  Firm but kind. In control of my emotions and the situation but loving and caring and wanting to understand what he really needed so we could ALL get some sleep tonight.

So I grabbed the previously-rejected muffin and went back into his room with it.  To find the uneaten banana sitting on his pillow and a very worn-out little boy tired to tears and not even capable himself of knowing what he needed.  Or so I thought. I got him back in bed, told him that if he was hungry, he would eat the banana, but he would do it in bed.  The LAST thing I needed was him thinking he could use hunger to get out of bed/out of his room and repeat performances in pursuit thereof ALL NIGHT LONG!

Just then Brianna started to cry.  Isaac told me she was crying and I said I heard her; then he said, "Mommy, cuddle Isaac's pillow."  I thought he meant he wanted Brianna to lay with him for a minute because sometimes when I go in to say goodnight with her in my arms, I'll lay her beside him for a minute to cuddle and say goodnight.  I told him that tonight was not a good night for that, Brianna was having a hard time, everyone was tired, and he just needed to eat the banana and muffin and go to bed.  We argued for a minute about whether or not HE was actually tired.  Then he looked at me, red-faced and puffy-eyed from crying for SO LONG, and repeated, "Mommy, cuddle on Isaac's pillow a minute."  I said, "Isaac - you want me to cuddle with you?"  He said yes.  I said, "Honey, I can't - I'm too big to lay in your bed with you."  He said, "No - not too big, Mommy!  I need you cuddle a minute."

I laid my head on his chest and repeated that I was too big but I loved him.  He wrapped his arm around my head and pulled me to him as hard as he could and said, "I love you, Mommy!"  I laid there for a minute, rubbing his back to calm him down, the smell of the banana he was eating and the muffin on his pillow filling my senses -- the tight squeeze of his arm every time he thought I might be lifting my head pulling on my heartstrings.  I finally did lift my head, but he said, "Mommy - please cuddle Isaac's back again!"  So I laid my head back on his chest and rubbed his back again as he finished his banana.

Then Brianna's screams bordering hysteria brought me back to reality, and I told him I absolutely had to go to Brianna and to please finish his food and go to sleep.  He said okay - we said one last I love you - and I left the room.

I'm recording this tonight - in my usual TMI/overly-verbose detail, because I hope that smell -- those smells -- always bring this memory back to me.  On so many levels I don't ever want to forget this night when the voice in my head got me to a point to be there when my little boy melted my heart, asked me to cuddle with him for a minute, pulled me tightly to his chest, and said from the depths of his heart, "I love you, Mommy!"  And - in spite of the voices in my head shouting at me about tooth decay and food in bed and giving in to even two-hour-long crying spells - I'm glad I listened to the one that got me to be there with calm, controlled kindness and love.  It doesn't get much better than that, does it?

Today

Today was better than yesterday.  And yesterday was better than the day before that.  With two "better than" days, I have high hopes for tomorrow!

Today I played with my kids.  I had tickle fights with Isaac and Brianna on my bed.  I swung Abby and Isaac around and around and around in the kitchen.  Then I held them like airplanes and did it again . . . and again! And again!

Today we put Brianna in a swing at the park for the first time -- and she LOVED it!

Today we took the kids to the park.  I got a Diet Dr. Pepper.  The family got a Blackberry Milkshake!  Everyone chose the Dr. Pepper over the Milkshake - which was spilled all over the floor under my feet without me realizing it was in the tipped over bag - still almost half full!

Today we had Chicken Fajitas for dinner.  I opted for a carbless one -- meaning I had a Chicken Fajita salad.  Abby ate 1/3 of my salad and asked for more.  Isaac ate Abby's left-over Peanut Butter sandwich from lunch.

Today Brianna crawled giggling away from me as fast as she could as I tried to catch her to change her diaper and get her into bed.  That's the first time we've played "You can't get me, Mommy!"

Today we read It's Raining, It's Pouring - actually, Dave sung it to the kids for their bedtime story.  He doesn't sing.  But somehow his voice was PERFECT for that story! And I wished he would let me get a recording of it for the kids to hear when they can't remember listening to him sing like that before.

Today Abby and Isaac played dinosaur and horsey.  The dinosaurs are scary - they roar and chase you around the house.  The horsey, however, is really nice.  Abby rode Horsey Isaac to storytime.  Then Isaac rode Horsey Abby to find Mommy for prayer. Dave took a picture.  It was HILARIOUS!!!  We were ALL laughing!

Today the kids read stories to me -- stories about creepy crawlies and farm animals and colors and counting.

Today Abby sang with me as we cleaned up the toys in the office - a song she had never heard before.  But she's getting really good at playing sing-along-with-Mommy!

Today Abby told me as she climbed the ladder on the toys at the park that I was too big.  After laughing for a few seconds I asked her if Daddy - who had already climbed the ladder and was waiting for her at the top - was too big.  She gave me that silly-Mom smile and said in her silly-Mom voice, "Oh, Mo-OM!  Daddy not too big!"

Today we had chocolate milk instead of just plain milk.

Today Brianna took a long nap and played with the big kid Leggo blocks!  She even fell on them and cut her head in the form of the circle on top.  But she didn't notice too much after the initial hit.  She's a tough cookie like that.


Today was a good day.  A very, very good day!

Solo Play, Necklaces, and Overhead Lights

I've been a little MIA this week.  There have been a lot of things constantly pulling at my time.  I've been dreaming some big dreams and doing some intense research.  And that's usually good. ;-D  And I taught the lesson in church today -- on Honesty.  I learned a lot, reflected a lot, repented a lot (at least, I am working on that one), and have a new respect for what it means to have an honest heart and a new determination to have one.  I also realized, among other things, that I need to be more deliberate about making my children a priority and not treating them like they are in the way of me getting "things I need" done.  They are very much not in the way!  And I realized that I have too often been treating them like they are lately - or trying to find things for them to do to give me time to do "me" things.

Isaac and Abby have been going through some hard phases lately.  Abby is becoming so independent and so very into her little sister!  And Isaac has been left out quite a bit.  Sometimes he wakes up and immediately goes looking for Abby to play.  And Abby, instead of welcoming him, literally yells at him to go away and leave her to what she was doing.  Then a rejected Isaac comes to find Mommy.  This week he even took the phone with Grandma on the other end of it out on the trampoline and said, "Grandma!  We jumping trampoline, Grandma!"  Oh I almost stopped making breakfast right then to go and play with that little man!  I'm trying not to make too much out of it, though -- I'm sure it's just another phase!  And she is really cute with Brianna - getting down on the floor with her and laughing hysterically every time she gets in her face.  Or surrounding her with all the sofa pillows and putting a blanket on her to send her "night-night."

And don't forget the independent little girl who now wakes up and gets herself dressed before she leaves her room!  Not to worry - she also changes those same clothes a few times a day.  And it's a good thing her wardrobe is so well matched. Cuz she always goes for pink, pink, and pink! ;-D  It's her favorite color -- and Dave often remarks on how her bottoms and tops so often end up being pink on pink or changing to . . . pink on pink!  It's fun to see her so grown up!!!  Well, most of the time! :-)

Today in church, we were singing the opening song, Dave holding Brianna, Abby between us, Isaac on the other side of me.  Abby was holding the hymn book between she and I when she suddenly realized that Daddy didn't have a book.  She said, "Oh - " and quickly moved the book so that Daddy could see it, too. Then she sort of bowed her head, like she KNEW she had just done something really nice! Dave beamed and gave her a hug and told her thank you.  It was so thoughtful it made my heart smile.

An older lady - a lot like Great-Grandma Larson - sat on the other side of us and helped entertain the kids through Sacrament Meeting.  She had a pocket-sized folding mirror that she let them play with.  And she even gave Isaac her necklace from around her neck.  It made me cry - it was just the kind of thing Great Grandma Larson would have done.  And she would have laughed when they got really excited and screeched at the top of their lungs, "Look, Mommy!!!"  She would have even chuckled, her eyes dancing, when Abby turned off the lights when the Bishop was welcoming everyone.  I was totally caught off guard and took longer than the rest of the congregation to realize why the lights had just gone off and remedy the situation.  The Bishop said we were apparently ending a little early today.  "Granny" said that sounded good to her!

Isaac took that long necklace she had given him to play with and walked deliberately over to me, getting up on his tiptoes, placing it gently around my neck, and then lovingly running his hands down to the curve to straighten it out and tapping it.  "There go, Mommy!" he said, as he lovingly and sweetly looked at me like, "So pretty!"  I said, "Thank you, Isaac!"  He beamed back at me, "You welcome, Mommy!" and he gave me a big hug!  I told him to tell "Granny" thank you for sharing her necklace with him - I said, "Say thank you, Granny!"  Dave tapped her arm and said Isaac was trying to tell her thank you.  She said, "Oh. Thank you?"  Isaac said, "You welcome, Granny!"

And Brianna?  Well - Brianna hasn't said Ma-ma-ma-ma since last Sunday.  I guess that was her Mother's Day present to me!  But Miss Brianna did have to go to the doctor for a double ear infection that had kept us up at night for too many weeks.  And that means we found out that she is OFF THE CHARTS in height!!! 32 inches at 7 months!  And her weight is just above the 70th percentile - 18 pounds, 5.6 ounces.  We're so proud!!!

Is it any wonder why I love my kids?

My Favorite Things

This has been a "My Favorite Things" weekend.  In fact, it's almost as if Dave decided that my Mother's Day gift this year was going to be him giving me a weekend filled with all of my favorite things!  When he came home from work Friday night, he brought a movie.  And we had an amazing date night, just sitting together and watching the new Chronicles of Narnia movie.  When we were dating, we used to read Chronicles of Narnia together on Sunday nights.  And whenever we traveled, we listened to it on tape in the car.  That has ALWAYS been one of my FAVORITE things.

Saturday we went for a LONG walk.  We walked everywhere we needed to go that day.  And when we came home, we put the kids down to bed and cleaned the ENTIRE house to have everything ready for a nice, relaxing Sabbath!  Once we got everything clean, we had a laundry party/movie night.  We washed and folded and put away all but one load of laundry.  And we watched a few episodes of "The Ghost Whisperer" - a show I used to watch all the time at my mom's while I was literally FLAT in bed (on the sofa that was my bed) sick with Brianna.  He had never seen it -- and it was fun to see some episodes "where it all began."  It was also nice to NOT have him rushing off to do something that NEEDED to be done, returning home exhausted and not interested in doing anything more than going to bed.  AND working TOGETHER - doing laundry or sorting through boxes or cleaning or cooking or whatever - is also one of my favorite things!

Because the laundry took a long time to completely pull together, Dave fell asleep on the sofa Saturday night.  At least, I thought he stayed out on the sofa because he was too tired to get to bed.  But in reality, he had plans for Sunday morning.  He got up at 5:00 this morning and made me CINNAMON ROLLS - which definitely top the list of my favorite things (if you get a good one - but you already know my feelings on THAT topic).  And he did pretty well with the recipe he chose.  It wasn't the BEST, but it was far from the worst!  In fact, we ate an entire pan today . . . and I decided to let what happens in Mother's Day stay in Mother's Day and NOT count those additional sugar calories for the week!  When the kids woke up, he kidnapped them and got them to help him finish his job for mom.  And then he got them all dressed in their Sunday clothes and came into the room (where he had kindly requested I stay put until he came to get me) to present me with breakfast "in bed."  The kids were SO excited!  I could tell they had a LOT of fun cooking me breakfast with Daddy.  And those moments are some of my FAVORITE things.  He also got me a very small bag of a licorice mix you can buy in bulk at WinCo that has always been a favorite/temptation for me.  Like I said, it was a small bag -- and the kids loved it as much as I did and even got most of the colors right when they requested some of them.

I did Abby's hair as I ate my cinnamon roll breakfast.  Just as I was finishing, Dave came into the room.  Her eyes BEAMED up at him as she simply said, "DADDY?!?!?" anticipating that he would tell her how pretty she looked with her hair done.  And Daddy sure did rise to the occasion.  He said, "ABBY!  I thought you were so pretty this morning when we got your dress on but now . . . with your hair done . . . you are just so BEAUTIFUL!!!  Come here, give me a hug!"  And she beamed and she twirled and she ran into his arms and gave him a hug that even I felt just watching it!  And those moments - moments when I know that my daughter has a daddy who treats her like a PRINCESS and teaches her every day that she is beautiful, irreplaceable, the apple of his eye, and everything in the world to him - those moments are among my favorite things.  Because in those moments my daughter is learning how she should be treated and gaining the confidence that will help her find an eternal companion who treats her the same.  Isaac coming for "his turn" of Mommy doing hair and his big, thankful hug after I comply with some hairspray or even a butterfly clip temporarily in his hair is another favorite thing! ;-D

After church we ALL took a nap - also a pastime that has been MISSING in my life as of late.  I woke from my nap to the sound of Isaac, not calling me to come and get him, but singing at the TOP of his lungs so I would KNOW it was time to come and get him.  The song, sung under the door and echoing down the hallway to my room, went something like this: "Twinkle, twinkle, e, f, g, la, la, la, la, what you AAAAAARE!!!"  And then he moved away from the door and continued to sing a song that went something like this, "I yuv you; you yuv me; hmmm, hmmm, hmmm, hmmm, yuv me TOOOOOOOOOO!"  Hearing my children sing is one of my VERY favorite things!

Once everyone was awake, Dave made dinner.  Now, we would have had kebabs - another favorite thing - but that would have required one of us to go to the grocery store last night instead of enjoying the night together.  So we opted instead for his homemade spaghetti sauce over cooked shrimp with some Romano cheese on top and a mixed green salad on the side (hey - had to make up for the cinnamon rolls somewhere, right?).  It's always been one of my favorite meals and doesn't take long to throw together.  Consequently, the kids didn't fight us clear through dinner!  And a meal without fighting kids to get them to eat is DEFINITELY a favorite thing.

While Dave cooked, I went back and laid on my bed to feed Brianna.  Soon Abby and Isaac joined me, playing in my quilt, hiding from each other, playfully wrestling each other, giggling that contagious giggle that they get right before they hit their too-tired-to-sleep point.  But it was fun tonight because, as I lay there feeding Brianna, Brianna started kicking her feet at the sound.  And Isaac, who originally came out fully loaded to yell at her to stop kicking him, saw her face and simply asked her not to kick him.  However, when she saw him peek out from under the blanket to tell her to stop, she thought he was playing peek-a-boo with her and started just giggling like crazy!  And Isaac's annoyance literally melted away as the two of them had a hide-and-seek-and-tag-each-other giggle fest!  It is SOOOO much fun to see my kids playing together, hear them laughing together, watch them working together.  And to see their infant sister be included as ALL THREE of them CELEBRATED EACH OTHER tonight -- oh, it was a tender mommy moment.  And I KNOW it will continue to be one of my favorite things!

We got them to bed and played a game of Quiddler - also one of my favorite things!  And though he was over 40 points ahead of me going into the LAST hand - well, he got a whopper hand dealt to him and so did I.  I managed to beat HIM by over 40 points!  And, I'm not gonna lie - that's also one of my favorite things! ;-D  And, hey - it's only at Quiddler that I EVER beat him, so I have to take what I can get!

In the midst of all of this, Dave surprised me by telling me that he took Monday and Tuesday off so we could go hiking/camping.  That tops my list of top ten favorite things, for sure!  And if we can find a safe place to go, we're escaping this crazy city life and taking a much-needed break.  We probably won't stay the night . . . the weather took a turn and Brianna is too young still for really cold/roughing it camping.  But if we can build a fire and do tin foil dinner and smores with the kids at the end of a day hike . . . it will be HEAVEN to me!


Oh - and I can't forget to add that Brianna said "Ma-ma-ma-ma" for the FIRST time today!  And hearing my kids say Mama -- most of the time, at least -- is DEFINITELY one of my FAVORITE things!  Hearing it for the first time from her -- PRICELESS!!!

Happy Mother's Day everyone!

Life's Desserts

I've been thinking about some things this morning.  I have three amazing kids! They all came at times and in seasons that I probably would not have picked.  But I am seeing more and more each day the WISDOM and PERFECT ORDER of each of those times and seasons . . . and of each of our children joining and creating our family.  But there are those moments . . . .

At the Easter Egg hunt last week, I LONGED . . . LONGED . . . to be a volunteer coordinator again, planning community events and projects like that and at the front lines and cross roads heading it all up and basking in the joy I knew I was making possible for those kids to have.  In fact, in this large metropolis that is really a distant extension of L.A., there are SO MANY needs in the community that I wish I could be a part of fulfilling.  And whenever I drive by the college I think about how much FUN it would be to teach again . . . or even tutor people who need extra help . . . because I know I am GOOD at those things.  And they make my heart sing!  I'm working on pinning it down to one thing I CAN do - through service somewhere once a month or once a week - but the time.  The time involved.  The time and opportunity and the time necessary to find the opportunity.  And then finding something to do with my kids while I TAKE the opportunity.  It gets complicated.

In the midst of all of this, I had the thought -- what if I just had one child.  Or what if I had a part-time job.  Or what if I had successfully put off having children and didn't have any right now . . . .

And then I picked Brianna up off the floor where she had been contently, even excitedly, playing with . . . a sock and a measuring cup.  And she started kicking her legs and flapping her arms and smiling and even laughed in glee as soon as I picked her up.  And in came her wide-open mouth up to my cheek to give me a kiss as I pulled her in for a hug.  And down the hall, the twins came running in -- Abby running away from Isaac as they played tag (except she always shuts the door behind her so he can't get her -- I guess she's still learning that doors aren't really a part of the game of tag).  They were both laughing hysterically, Abby half-dressed with her shirt on backwards (because she dresses herself these days and is VERY adamant about it) enjoying every second and calling to me to protect them!

And my heart smiled.  And took a picture. The other things . . . those are pictures I already have in my heart . . . or even pictures I have plenty of time to take someday.  But these children.  These pictures.  These only happen now.  These are irreplaceable.  These aren't planned or budgeted in or even aptly recorded more than in my heart and mind most of the time.  And they are fleeting . . . so fleeting!  And when they are through, I will have created more than a moment . . . but a life.  A life that will live a lifetime and beyond.  A life that will affect other lives.  And create other lives.  Right now I have three of them, actually -- and that's a lot of living I need to be concerned with right now!  That's a lot of time I need to be focused on right now.

So I typed this as my Facebook Status: 

If we didn't have 3 kids, we would have a lot more money and time to do things like game nights, hobbies, working out, backpacking, vacations, traveling, date nights OUT, cruises, gadgets, new clothes --- we would have a LOT LESS smiles, laughs, hugs, slobbery kisses, adoration, emulation, discoveries you take for granted every day, perspective, hilarious one-liners, water fights, dirt fights, "I yuv you may much!" and other things that melt your heart 1,000 times over, tickle fights that make your sides hurt even if you AREN'T a part of them (not to mention your EARS!), cuddles and snuggles to your heart's desire, story time whenever you want, snack time five to six times a DAY, the list is endless. The trade-off? TOTALLY worth it. And those other things - there's a time and a season for everything!

"If dinner was always dessert, what joy would dessert hold?"  Originally I thought of that in terms of all the things I was missing right now as I focus on my dinner and long for my dessert.  But then my heart took a picture that reminded me that these kids are a lifetime of desserts.  Dinner is the daily grind . . . necessary, but not necessarily monumental or memorable most days of the week.  The rest of the things that my kids are and bring to me . . . that's all desserts.  And I need dinner to really appreciate them.  So I'll bask in and be thankful for both!

Making the Cut(s)

My friend invited me to a Pampered Chef party, and I realized I would love to go, but I would be tempted to buy because I absolutely LOVE Pampered Chef.  But right now . . . THIS minute, THIS month, THIS summer, we are saving every penny to try and fill some needs in my extended family and build up our food storage and put away money for a rainy day (or national disaster or terrorist attack - small things like that).  On top of that, we are trying to put any extra money towards paying off Dave's student loans as quickly as possible.  Why?  Well, for obvious reasons.  Not the least of which is the fact that I believe we have a prophet of God on earth today, that he is a prophet, seer, and revelator, and that he has counseled us -- in fact, prophets for decades have counseled us -- to get out of debt and stay out of debt!  To put away a three-month supply of food that is part of our normal diets for emergency situations.  To put away a year's supply (per person) of food that is for long-term use.  To have a 72-hour kit for each person on hand.  To put away enough money to live for three months (eventually for one year) without any income.

Yes, all these things need to be tackled in wisdom and order.  But it is in GOD'S WISDOM and ORDER, not man's.  Men have a way of putting order to things that leaves the essentials at the bottom of the list of things that never get done while the niceties rise to the top of the list of things that never get left undone.  Hence the reason we are in such economic strife right now - we don't know how to say enough, live within your means, separate needs from wants and put your house in order before you buy the extras.  )Take care of your own country before you lend money and support to the world to look good to them, all the while leaving yourself without oxygen when the airplane crashes!).  Let go of the Joneses and live like the "Chaffee's" and be content with what you have until you can AFFORD to have something more.

And it is in lieu of all that is happening in the world today,the disorder and the major things that are happening DAILY, without notice or respect of persons . . . my wisdom and order thermometer goes RED to the point of breaking at the urgency of these situations and the need to make TODAY the day that I "dam the torpedoes, full speed ahead" find a way to FOLLOW the PROPHET!  To be prepared so that I "will not fear."

All of that said, there are small things that pull on my heartstrings every day.  Things like Pampered Chef parties, sugar-free candy splurges, family vacations, things that would make living in the middle of the desert a LOT more comfortable for three small children, marathons I really want to be training for and gym memberships and running shoes I really can't afford that would help me get there, vacations and outings I would love to participate in, babysitters for me time and us time three or four times a week that I would love to be able to afford, gas for day trips or family weekend trips to L.A. or trails we can "hike" with the kids; money to make trips home for birthday parties, baby blessings, concerts, barbeques, so many things.  I would love to have a sewing table and craft corner all set up in my room.  And I would love to have money to buy fabric to start making Brianna's quilt, to take lessons at the quilt stores or do a block a month there.  And it would have been nice to buy the kids matching Easter outfits, fourth of July outfits, Christmas outfits.  I would love to fly my mom down for a week or two to do some fun projects together (also getting a babysitter a few hours a day to have time to DO a project or two without the kids) . . . or take the kids on some fun adventures I really can't handle on my own.Or go to a community theater production or Broadway or other musical with my husband (tickets are NOT cheap even for community theater).  Or the Circus that is coming to town - that would be a lot of fun, too, right?

And I think about the extra hour and a half a day that we don't have with Dave anymore because gas got too expensive for him to drive so he now rides the commuter van and has to work around its schedule.

These are just small things that have come up in the last week or two -- things I have smiled and said no to or cried inside about or walked away from or watched someone else do with longing.

And for a minute, I saw that those doing and/or inviting have just one baby . . . and family nearby . . . and husbands who have worked in their careers more than a year . . . and part-time jobs of their own, doing things they are passionate about and making money they can use to splurge for their wants (not to be confused with the friends I have who work to meet their NEEDS).  And I thought for 60 seconds that they somehow have it better.  But then I realized that it isn't about better or worse.  It's about them living their lives within their means, following what their heart tells them to do and me doing the same.  And at the end of the day, I only have to be at peace with and happy about MY decisions.  And right now Dave and I are CHOOSING to make the cut . . . . make all the cuts necessary to simply FOLLOW THE PROPHET and BE PREPARED!

Exhilarating . . . Until Tomorrow

That's right!  Tonight I am clapping and laughing and cheering and yelling and encouraging and giddy with excitement because . . . . BRIANNA IS CRAWLING!!!!

Tomorrow it all sinks in that my life just got A LOT harder!!!

And just because I forgot to write it down - she's also been feeling really empowered this last week by the fact that she can SIT UP ALL BY HERSELF, anytime, anywhere she wants.  We were taking a video of Dave taking pictures of the kids last Sunday when all of a sudden . . . she sat up!  Right there in the middle of the photo shoot, camcorder focused on her and her crazy siblings.  So THIS has been an eventful eight days for Miss Brianna!

Now to start cleaning and vacuuming every day and picking things up behind the twins like crazy to keep choking hazards off the floor and out of reach.  AHHHHHHH!!!!!

Then again, I think I'll just enjoy the fun of this moment tonight.  I'll tackle tomorrow . . . tomorrow!