The Way of a Child: Unconditional, Forgiving Love

I wrote yesterday about what a hit the shiny mylar balloons were that I got for Abby and Isaac.  To say they loved those balloons with heart and soul would be an understatement!  They played with, ran with, sat with, hit back and forth with, and ultimately slept with those balloons.  And they held them during every activity they did today.

Then this afternoon, Isaac and Abby took their balloons outside to play for the third time today.  They had been fighting non-stop for the hour and a half before they went out, so I was hoping the outdoor air would help cool them down (and me take a time out to get sane).  They were running around and the balloons got tangled, for the third time.  But this time, instead of slowing down and getting them untangled, Isaac pulled really hard and started running away from Abby with both balloons.  Well, Abby caught up and pulled her balloon back, and before I could intervene, Isaac's balloon snapped off the ribbon and was gone. 

Oh boy did he cry over that one!  Each tear got less and less consolable as we watched that blue star slowly drift up into the sky until it was out of sight.  As his crying bordered hysteria, I told him we couldn't get it back, that it was going up to heaven so Great Grandma could play the balloon game with kids in heaven.  Great Grandma was famous for playing the balloon game with Abby and Isaac each and every visit.  But Isaac kept crying!!! 

He pleaded with me to get it back, saying that we needed Daddy to get it in his airplane -- that he loved and needed that balloon and to please have daddy get it in his airplane.  And then he cried some more. 

Abby tried consoling him, repeating my explanation that it was gone up to heaven with Great Grandma.  But it didn't help.  Then suddenly she said, "Isaac?  You want my bawoon?" 

Isaac, pausing for a minute as if to assess if she was sincere, said, ". . . Yeah." 

"Okay Isaac - you can have my bawoon, but no yet go, no go up to Great Grandma.  Okay, Isaac?"  As soon as he got it, the little stinker said, "Oops," and let go of the balloon.  Fortunately, it still had the weight on the end of it.  Abby immediately grabbed it, saying, "No - no, Isaac!  No yet it go up be Great Grandma!"  Then she paused just a millisecond before saying, "You want it back, Isaac?"  Isaac said, "Yeah." 

Abby reached out to give it to him with the instructions, "Okay - but hold tight, Isaac - not want be up in sky, no want be go Great Grandma, okay?" 

And then they played together for the first time in two hours!!!  And by played together, I mean they weren't fighting and screaming and hitting, and slamming doors in each other's faces -- they were just playing together and enjoying it.

I was so proud that Abby let him play with her balloon when just moments before he had lost his balloon while trying to keep Abby's balloon from her!  And I was even more proud of her that even when he deliberately tried to throw her balloon up to the sky because if he couldn't have one, she didn't get one either, instead of getting mad and keeping the thing he wanted from him, she showed compassion for how hurt his feelings were and immediately offered it again with the same instructions that he care for it as much as she would if she were holding it to keep it from flying up in the sky to be with Great Grandma!

Man, adults could learn SO MUCH from children sometimes, couldn't they?  Unfortunately, those who need to hear it the most will read it with people who have wronged them in mind, while those who have wronged them are also reading it with the people who wronged them in mind.  But the true grown-up acts like a child, and instead of seeing corrections that need to be made in others, they simply see a need and react to fill that need. 

It was definitely wrong for Isaac to selfishly try to throw away Abby's balloon -- but I don't think I can put into words what a grown-up and compassionate reaction she returned to him in returning the very valuable possession he had just tried to ensure neither of them would ever play with again!

I'm proud of you, Ab!  I hope you will always have that wisdom and compassion and always turn the other cheek and give yourself and others an opportunity to repent, to forgive, to forget, and to be best friends instead of misunderstanding and misunderstood enemies!!!

I've Reached That Point Again

I remember very vividly how I felt when I reached this point with the twins.  Up to that point, life had been crazy!  Everything felt stressful to me!  I dreaded them waking up and looked forward to them going to bed.  Every part of daily life and routines felt like a heavy chore that I was just trudging along to get through or looking for a reason to avoid.  I was exhausted.  I was overwhelmed.  I was out of ideas.

Then one day it just changed.  I don't remember what happened that made me make the change - but something happened.  I think I probably started reading my scriptures every morning and keeping a clean house and taking my vitamins and minerals and going to bed at a decent hour.  But I remember realizing one week that it had been a FABULOUS week!  I was enjoying my children immensely!  I looked forward to bathtime, story time, scripture time, singing time, playing time, meal time, all the time.  I was so calm and relaxed as I experienced every one of these things WITH my children and didn't just complete them FOR my children.  And when I felt that change, I left their room one night and shut the door and just stood there sobbing.  Everything about life was totally different.  Everything.

And yet I know that really I was the only thing that changed.

Here I am again, more than a year and another baby later.  And it has been a FANTASTIC month for me!  For the first time in over a year - everything feels so fantastic!!!  My house is in order like it hasn't been in order since I moved here - at least consecutively and consistently in order since I moved here.  I have more and more moments like last night where I don't feel like I'm at WAR with my children -- and I feel totally equipped to handle them, being in control of MY emotions and feelings and therefore the situation.  I have meals down pat!  I'm totally on top of cooking and cleaning and healthy eating in ways I've planned to the last detail to be for . . . forever!  I look forward to story time and song time and prayers.

And even cleaning up tonight was so much fun -- all of us were working together.  That little Abby is a TROOPER, a dynamite helper, and so independent it kills me sometimes that she's already there.  Isaac needs a little more help staying focused sometimes -- those darn toys just look too fun to put away without playing with them for just one moment longer!  But we get through that and he gets back into focus, and he's always the first to start singing the Clean Up song.  And even Brianna had fun while we cleaned, discovering the air purifier and pulling herself up to stand next to it and play with the buttons, startling and falling down when her curious face was met with a gust of air from the vent, and then pulling herself up again to try and figure it all out!  It was awesome for ALL of us!  The kids filled in the blanks with the rhymes in their books.  Isaac made up songs about whatever came to mind to the tune of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" and kept at it for more than a half hour after he got into bed.  And rather than be aggravated that he wasn't asleep already, I just enjoyed his lyrics and creativity and sat down the hall just listening to him sing his little heart out! (Dave, bless his heart, was exhausted from the Benedryl he took to combat the allergies that hit him like a load of bricks when he got back from his campout - or he would have been singing and having fun with us, too!)

I'm not going to pretend that every day is a Jolly Holiday with Mary "Mommy" Poppins around here.  Because it SO is not!  And I still have nights where I dread going to sleep because I simply don't have a thing on the agenda for the next day and know I have two energetic toddlers to try and teach and prepare and entertain and love and an infant who is catching up too quickly for my comfort.  And that in and of itself can be completely overwhelming!  I wish I had a "what to do with your children day by day, 365 days a year, from birth to 18-years-old: a parents complete guide to raising brilliant, responsible, kind, disciplined, hard-working, obedient, independent, spiritually-solid, confident, competent, talented, humble, gracious (and any other adjective you want to add along the way) children."

But then again, I have a feeling that such a book would lead to me being an absolute nervous wreck of a mother for the rest of my childrens' lives.  Because I really think that my literal change of heart comes when I stop trying to fit into a day what everyone else says or thinks I should, when I stop feeling that everyone is looking at me and judging me and finding me wanting in every possible way.  When I let go of the should be's and would be's and could be's and just let myself work through and laugh at and appreciate and value and ENJOY what IS -- messy, clean, tantrums, food fights, scary dinosaurs that hiss at the people behind us in church, looks that could kill someone who's been dead for 50 years, hugs, apologies, gratitude, I love you's, please-and-thank-yous, the WHOLE gammit -- I find JOY in the JOURNEY!  And when that happens, I find that my children find JOY in ME!  And then I'm more prepared and inclined to naturally do . . . better.

Banana Mixed with Banana Chocolate Chip

Tonight Isaac had a hard time falling asleep.  Maybe it was to do me a favor because Dave is on a campout with the Young Men/Scouts in our ward and I was NOT looking forward to a night all by myself.  But whatever it was . . . it was pretty intense.  But that's Isaac.  First he cried and cried and cried.  Then he cried.  Then he screamed.  Then he cried.  And he woke Brianna up every single time.  So finally I went in, armed and dangerous.

Then I remembered that kids meet you in the same attitude/voice you take to them and decided to take it down a few notches.  He said he was hungry, and though I didn't really believe him, after an hour and a half of weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth and really, really, really wanting to put his sister to bed for the LAST time of the night, I caved.  I had two quick/non-messy foods in the kitchen: a banana and a banana chocolate chip muffin that didn't rise when I baked it because I opened the oven to "check" on it, and it therefore has lasted a few days in a ziploc bag on my counter.  I took both.

He opted for the banana.  Perfect.  I left it with him and . . . left.

Just as I got Brianna back to sleep --- BAM!  Screaming, crying, more weeping, wailing, gnashing of teeth. And an echo of it from Brianna who was once again disrupted in our every attempt to get her some sleep.

Again, I went in armed and ready for a fight.  And again the voice in my head - love that voice sometimes - warned me to take it easy and set the tone.  Firm but kind. In control of my emotions and the situation but loving and caring and wanting to understand what he really needed so we could ALL get some sleep tonight.

So I grabbed the previously-rejected muffin and went back into his room with it.  To find the uneaten banana sitting on his pillow and a very worn-out little boy tired to tears and not even capable himself of knowing what he needed.  Or so I thought. I got him back in bed, told him that if he was hungry, he would eat the banana, but he would do it in bed.  The LAST thing I needed was him thinking he could use hunger to get out of bed/out of his room and repeat performances in pursuit thereof ALL NIGHT LONG!

Just then Brianna started to cry.  Isaac told me she was crying and I said I heard her; then he said, "Mommy, cuddle Isaac's pillow."  I thought he meant he wanted Brianna to lay with him for a minute because sometimes when I go in to say goodnight with her in my arms, I'll lay her beside him for a minute to cuddle and say goodnight.  I told him that tonight was not a good night for that, Brianna was having a hard time, everyone was tired, and he just needed to eat the banana and muffin and go to bed.  We argued for a minute about whether or not HE was actually tired.  Then he looked at me, red-faced and puffy-eyed from crying for SO LONG, and repeated, "Mommy, cuddle on Isaac's pillow a minute."  I said, "Isaac - you want me to cuddle with you?"  He said yes.  I said, "Honey, I can't - I'm too big to lay in your bed with you."  He said, "No - not too big, Mommy!  I need you cuddle a minute."

I laid my head on his chest and repeated that I was too big but I loved him.  He wrapped his arm around my head and pulled me to him as hard as he could and said, "I love you, Mommy!"  I laid there for a minute, rubbing his back to calm him down, the smell of the banana he was eating and the muffin on his pillow filling my senses -- the tight squeeze of his arm every time he thought I might be lifting my head pulling on my heartstrings.  I finally did lift my head, but he said, "Mommy - please cuddle Isaac's back again!"  So I laid my head back on his chest and rubbed his back again as he finished his banana.

Then Brianna's screams bordering hysteria brought me back to reality, and I told him I absolutely had to go to Brianna and to please finish his food and go to sleep.  He said okay - we said one last I love you - and I left the room.

I'm recording this tonight - in my usual TMI/overly-verbose detail, because I hope that smell -- those smells -- always bring this memory back to me.  On so many levels I don't ever want to forget this night when the voice in my head got me to a point to be there when my little boy melted my heart, asked me to cuddle with him for a minute, pulled me tightly to his chest, and said from the depths of his heart, "I love you, Mommy!"  And - in spite of the voices in my head shouting at me about tooth decay and food in bed and giving in to even two-hour-long crying spells - I'm glad I listened to the one that got me to be there with calm, controlled kindness and love.  It doesn't get much better than that, does it?

Icing on the Cake

Would you like some ROLL with that FROSTING?

So I know I am probably crazy, but I have this thing with cinnamon rolls.  See, I have been disappointed by almost EVERY store-bought cinnamon roll I have ever eaten (and even some homemade ones).  Why?  It just seems like they pack on OODLES and OODLES of frosting.  Not that I'm not a fan of frosting, but it always seems to me that a cinnamon roll that can't stand on its own feet . . . that needs frosting in order to taste good (and TONS of frosting at that) . . . is just not a cinnamon roll worth eating.

The same goes for ketchup.  I mean, if whatever you are eating needs KETCHUP smothered all over it in order to TASTE good, you aren't eating a good piece of (fill in the blank).  Like a hamburger, french fries, eggs, the list goes on.

Things like frosting and ketchup (which I really could live without and never miss for even one day) are SUPPOSED to be the "icing on the cake" that ENHANCES the goodness of what is already there; not the frosting on the cinnamon rolls that HIDES what the rolls themselves are lacking.

And tonight, I kind of think that this principle applies to a LOT of things.  I'm thinking about some legislation right now that probably shouldn't have passed and was covered by WAY TOO MUCH frosting; but I might just as soon be thinking about employment, relationships, activities, education, and any other number of things.

If it's lacking in substance . . . no amount of frosting is going to change that.

You can't fix a broken marriage by spending a lot of money on expensive gifts, trips, toys, etc.  It's just empty calories going into a malnourished situation.

I was also thinking about this in terms of dating.  Mostly post-marriage. (Cuz who hasn't heard enough about dating PRE-marriage . . . or more than enough sometimes? ;-D)  Maybe even particularly for people who have been married for 10 or 15 or 30 or 50 years. (Cuz again, we all get the advice to date as newlyweds and new parents; but what happens to dating for empty- or almost-empty-nesters?)

If you want to have a happy and successful marriage, one that will more than stand the test of time (but actually EXCEL in it) and all eternity, you can't fill it with a bunch of frosting.  It's going to get old.  It's going to leave you empty and craving and longing for something more.  It's going to leave you disappointed and wishing you hadn't even taken that first bite that left you just HAVING to eat more and more, TRYING to get some sort of satisfaction out of it, but ultimately feeling DISAPPOINTED, discouraged, EMPTY.

Some advice I've been thinking about (mostly that I received or heard others receive at SOME point in my life) to avoid the frosting trap and instead have an amazing cake with JUST the right amount of ENHANCING icing:

1) NEVER stop dating!  Yes, you -- you who are in your 50s and your kids are gone and you spend a lot of time on the road being grandma or throwing yourself into work and hobbies, rarely coming together with your spouse for more than a movie or dinner in a restaurant.  Yes, YOU -- you who have been married for five years and gotten so stuck in the daily grind and living on a budget that you don't even think about dating each other any more.  NEVER NEVER NEVER stop dating!  When Dave and I got married, our dear friend and Stake President counseled us to ALWAYS remember why we fell in love to begin with, what we did during that magical time, and to make sure we never lost it!!!  That is AMAZING advice (and talking about it/reminiscing sounds like a GREAT date-night idea to me!!!).

2) Think outside of the box.  I mean, how many times can you go out to dinner or see a movie (especially TODAY'S amazing media selection) without those days soon turning into LOTS AND LOTS of frosting?  Or maybe your movie night is a game night . . . and you play games all the time, so much so that it is normal, not special or a stretch in any way.  Remember when you first started dating and you used to get really creative about asking someone out on a date and/or responding when someone asked YOU on a date (maybe it's just an Idaho/Utah thing)?  Remember how much fun it was to plan and prepare every step of the way, all the time anticipating how much THE OTHER PERSON was going to enjoy it and get a KICK out of it?  Not to mention the fact that YOU ALREADY WERE!!!  Reading a book together or having a candlelight picnic in your living room or playing the Wii or doing a workout video together can all be REALLY fun and REALLY fulfilling activities IN THEIR TURN.  You just have to make sure they aren't the EVERY DAY things that you just CALL DATE NIGHT because they are typically labeled as "date ideas."

Dave's FAMOUS Chocolate Cake (a Curry Family SECRET Recipe)

3)  Cover your bases.  I was listening to a Christian radio station a few months ago, and the pastor/preacher was talking about unity in marriage.  He said that you have to make sure you maintain and fuel your marriage intellectually, physically, spiritually, and emotionally.  If you leave any ONE of those things out (legs on a table, you might say), your marriage will dwindle (your table is going to fall over).  So if you do a lot of the SAME things, look at the big picture of what you are trying to do and become together.  And re-envision what it will take to get there.  And cover ALL of your bases.  Read a book together.  Exercise together.  Cook together.  Talk about your eternal potential and how you are going to move towards achieving it THAT VERY WEEK.  Talk.  Laugh.  Play.  Love.  Learn how to recover your furniture and do a project together.  Go to the temple together once a month.  And don't leave anything out.  Cover your bases!  Bake a cake that could stand on its own because it has the PERFECT amount of all of the necessary ingredients (but will be oh so much better with a little bit of frosting)!

4) Just DO it!  Nike has it right!  In the end, you can talk about it, plan for it, prepare for it, complain about it, listen to talks on tape about it, slander your husband to your girlfriends for not doing it, etc.  But what it all comes down to is that you have to just DO it.  Just DATE!!!  Just make time!!!  Just make it happen!  Don't get caught up in the preparations and having to find a babysitter or plan something amazingly memorable and earth-shattering.  Sometimes the simplest moments of silliness and laughter leave the most PROFOUND effects.  No excuses!  You aren't too old!  It's not for your children and grandchildren.  You're not too poor.  You're not too distanced from each other.  You're not too busy.  You just need to MAKE IT HAPPEN!!!  Today!  This week!

5) Remember it's about YOU!  Date nights aren't a time to go over the family budget or talk about the problems Jimmy is having in school or Jaime is having with her girlfriends or you are having with work or the world-at-large is having with the world-at-large.  Date nights aren't a time to schedule your week's activities or pay bills or fold laundry.  That's all another topic for another time.  (Like try a weekly companionship inventory or family council.)  Date nights ARE for you and your spouse to reconnect, rebuild, re-romance and "woo," refocus on and celbrate each other, on being a couple, on being one, on being each others sweethearts, on having fun, on walking down the SAME road in the SAME direction at the SAME speed . . . and all while holding hands, of course!  Your relationship is strictly yours.  You aren't your parents (however good or bad their relationship may have been).  You aren't that couple whose relationship you really admire or that one whose relationship you count your blessings every day that you are not stuck in!  But depending on what you do together TODAY, you will probably be ONE of those tomorrow. :-)  So decide what you want to be, what kind of a cake you want, what kind of frosting, what decorations, etc. and BECOME what you want!  But just focus on the cake -- not the entire meal, appetizers to entree to dessert.

I have some ideas, if you're interested (not because I'm good at this but because I decided TODAY, after reading this post and this post, that I AM GOING TO BE . . . so my mind is RACING around this topic right now).

That's all I've got . . . so far, anyway . . . though I reserve the right to edit/update as I go along and learn and do and become in MY reality with MY husband! ;-D

I Am A Child of God

I read my friend Carrie's post on one line in The Family: A Proclamation to the World, and it reminded me of something I don't think I've recorded anywhere yet.  So here's the PERFECT opportunity!

My mom had told me for as long as I could remember that I would only be able to go to college if I got scholarships, because neither she nor my dad would ever be able to help me financially.  She also taught me that I should follow the Lord's counsel, as given through His holy prophets, and stay out of debt.  I think it went something like, "Marriage is hard enough without you placing your educational debts on your husband's back to have to pay off someday."  So, I did everything I could to get good grades, make myself a well-rounded individual through community service and school leadership opportunities, and then I applied to schools. 

The first year was completely paid for!  I don't remember even having to get a job that year. 

The second, however, was a different story.  I remember spending the summer before applying for every scholarship I could find.  And I worked three jobs -- one at a local laundry mat, one as a tutor in the Reading Lab, and one on the weekends in a hotel.  As the beginning of the school year neared, I was still short $1,500 -- and that was WITH me budgeting in work at two of the three jobs throughout the school year. 

About three weeks before school started, I was talking to my mom, telling her I didn't know what else I could do.  I had paid my tithing and done everything I could, but I was still short.  And I hadn't heard back from my school about a few scholarships I had applied for.  So she suggested I call them and see if they had made any decisions or could tell me when they might have a decision made on their scholarships and go from there. 

I did.  And after putting me on hold to look at my file, the woman came back and said, "I don't know what happened, but we have a leadership award for you for $1,500 that we've been waiting to hear back from you on whether you accept it or not.  I guess you didn't get the award letter yet.  I'll put another one in the mail today.  Be sure to send your acceptance back as soon as possible so we don't assume you don't want it and award it to someone else."  Wow!  A scholarship in the EXACT amount that I had been short.  And I knelt and said a prayer of thanks before I went and told my mom what had happened.  Heavenly Father knew who I was and what my situation and desires were, and He had responded accordingly. 

Fast forward eight years and many, many more experiences like this one.  After finishing my B.A. and M.A. single and entering the workforce, I realized that I had met the man of my dreams and decided (after two years of being friends and dating) to marry him.  We felt right about each other, right about our decision, and right about the date we had chosen -- December 15. 

There was just one glitch: He had been married before, and we needed clearance from the First Presidency to be sealed together for time and all eternity in a Temple of the Lord.  NOT getting married in the Temple was NOT an option.  It just wasn't.  So we did everything we needed to do and submitted our request in early October. 

And then we waited.  And our date neared.  And we waited.  And our families started to wonder if we were having a wedding or not.  And we waited.  And our invitations sat, stamped and addressed, but not quite ready to mail yet.  And we waited.  The holidays neared, and we began to wonder if the fairly new First Presidency would be meeting regularly or taking breaks that would detain them from receiving and responding to what I could only imagine were mass amounts of mail from members all over the world. 

So, we fasted and prayed the first weekend in November that the First Presidency would receive our appeal before Thanksgiving, before they might be separating for the holidays, and we would hear back in time to get everything pulled together for our wedding.

Through all of this, many people cast doubts in our way, telling us stories of couples that had waited six months to a year before they got clearance, of couples in our area that were still waiting.  Someone even told me that they had only heard of one case that was faster -- the nephew of one of the prophets had gotten clearance in a few months; but HE, of course, had connections. 

For a moment, I was discouraged.  But then the thought came clearly into my mind, "Melinda - who was HE and who are you?  He wasn't the nephew of a prophet; he was a son of God.  And YOU are a daughter of God.  The only person whose connections you need, you already have."  So I prayed again that Heavenly Father would put His hand in our situation and make sure our appeal reached the First Presideny's desks and whisper in the prophet's ears that we needed to get married December 15.  And if it wasn't too much trouble, I asked that He pull everything together before Thanksgiving.  Talk about specific . . . and BOLD!!! ;-D

I had a bridal shower after Thanksgiving, and we still had not heard anything from the First Presidency.  In fact, the night before my shower, Dave finally gave me my ring on a rose -- the closest thing to a proposal I got from him.  (He said he had been waiting for the letter, but he wanted me to have my ring for my bridal shower.) 

That evening as I was closing at work, Dave came and knocked on the glass door.  I was so surprised to see him!  He had been at Drill all day and had a night with the boys planned.  I opened the door, and he just waved an envelope in front of me.  I screamed, hugged him, and we opened it together, tears in our eyes (though he'd deny it to his DEATH), our hearts overflowing!  We said a prayer of thanks and then proceeded to call the Temple and schedule a date and call our families and friends and let them know we could move ahead with everything. 

Later, when I was looking at the letter and just feeling over and over again how thankful I was, I was struck by the date.  It had been signed two days before Thanksgiving.  It had just taken a little longer, with the holidays, to get TO us.  But our prayers had truly been answered in every detail!  And we were sealed for time and all eternity just two weeks later!

I am a daughter of God.  You are a child of God.  There is nothing more or less exceptional about me than that -- certainly nothing that would make me an exception in receiving specific and miraculous blessings from God that others could not also receive!

One of my favorite scriptures is found in Romans, Chapter 8: 16-17 --

"The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that
we are the children of God: 

And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and
joint-heirs with Christ;

if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also
glorified together."

I need to do better at remembering all of this!

God's Family . . . My Family

I don't know if you've noticed or not, but I am celebrating FAMILY this month with some other fantabulous bloggers in the virtual world of the internet . . . and the anniversary of The Family: A Proclamation to the World.  Today's focus is on the fact that Family is CENTRAL to God's Plan of Happiness.  And He is central to OUR happiness.  Check out this post.  And now, my two bits (cuz you may have noticed that I ALWAYS have SOMETHING to say! ;-D):

This is actually really good for me to remember today.  There are a few things that I have had to work really hard for in my life -- MOTHERHOOD is at the TOP of that list.  Marriage is another.  Then there are those daily, weekly, hourly things that pop up and you deal with or simply put out of your mind for sanity's sake because you know you do not have and will not get answers right away, so there's no point dwelling on and worrying about them.  My friend Kristen once reminded me that "worrying does not empty tomorrow of it's troubles, it empties today of its strengths."  I try, TRY, try, T-R-Y to remember that. 

But of all the things that I have had to work hard for, work hard to achieve, to learn, to understand, to overcome, etc., there is one thing that has always been a part of me, always been so obvious and so real to me:  It is my knowledge that I am a daughter of God and that He loves me -- and my commitment to do anything to please Him and to make it back to His presence again some day.  I may not always remember this from day to day as I struggle along down the path of life, but I do ALWAYS -- and I mean always -- KNOW it! 

One of my favorite scriptures is where God is speaking to Moses and says, "For behold, this is my WORK and my GLORY -- to bring to pass the IMMORTALITY and ETERNAL LIFE of man."

Imagine that! I mean, really imagine it!  I'm an English major -- TWICE, crazy me -- and I know how important diction is to get your meaning across.  And God uses the words WORK and GLORY together.  What comes to mind when you think about, try to envision, the GLORY of God?  Words cannot express or describe, right?  And yet with all of that, He tells us that WE are His GLORY!!!  That our success . . . our receiving immortality and eternal life . . . is HIS life's GREAT WORK and is what brings Him His GLORY!!!  And can you see God WORKING on anything that isn't a SUCCESS?  I mean, He is GOD, after all -- and if He's working on it, He has ALL resources at His fingertips to make it a reality -- the GREATEST of which is the Atonement of Jesus Christ!

Now hopefully you won't feel so small today!

And when I think about my family, I realize that if that is what He is doing for me, that is what He is doing for my children -- HIS children. 

How is the FAMILY central to God's Plan of Happiness?  We are all the Family of God!  Individual families are just off-shoots, but collectively we ARE the children and FAMILY of God.  Nothing comes before or after that fact!  It's really ALL about family.  And HIS goal is to have HIS family -- every single one of His precious children -- back in His presence one day.  One HUGE and HAPPY family reunion!  (Who would want to miss THAT one?) 

And if I can hold onto THAT as I work to raise and rear and care for my off-shoot of God's family -- my branch of His marvelous Family Tree -- I can't help but know that HE is in it!  And after all I can do -- even all my mistakes and short-comings, try as I may -- HE will make up the difference for HIS children and make sure that THEIR needs are met so that they CAN return to Him.  Hard as it may be to imagine, He wants more for them than I do.  And He is much, much more capable of making that a REALITY than I will ever be!

You, too, by the way!  He's working for YOU today -- for YOUR success and happiness!  So, get to it! ;-D

Don't Grow Up . . .

Dear Abby and Isaac,

Lately, I have had a really hard time with letting you grow up.  I look at your sweet, innocent faces; I realize how much more I wish I could have given you individually during the last year; I see the world you are entering all too soon; and I wonder if you are going to be prepared.

I want to go into your room sometimes and pull you out of your beds and just sit in the rocker and stroke your cute faces and revel in you in this moment for just a moment longer than the day will allow.  I wish you could talk to me and tell me all the things I'm not getting, all the things you ARE getting more than I know.  I wish I could transfer to your little minds and spirits all of the things I have a testimony of so you can START with that and keep going and going and going until you really GET it, really HAVE all the things you will need to face the battles and stumbling blocks and boulders Satan will put in your path in your lifetime.

I wonder what you are going to be like as teenagers, what you are going to be like as siblings, what kind of relationship we are going to have, and if I am going to have the love it will take to teach you to love . . . . charity, the pure love of Christ, for all people and in all situations . . . . and discernment to know when to give it and when to hold it back.  I wonder who you will date, what kind of a person you will choose to marry; and I want to sit and have popcorn and hot chocolate talk with you now and tell you all the things to watch out for and all the things to hope for.

I want to caress all the cares and worries of the world out of your faces, even though they aren't there yet.  And I want to help you keep every second of the wide-eyed wonder moments you have so many times each day.

More than anything, I hope you know I love you.  I hope you know, even when I make huge mistakes and hang on too tight and maybe even judge too quickly and react too harshly, that I love you more than anything and just want you to be happy and healthy and wise.

I hope you know how much I LOVE your dad, how much I admire and respect him and want very much for you to glean from all of the good that he has to offer and teach you.

I hope you know how much I love our Heavenly Father, how much I want you to know and love Him as I do and to desire first and foremost to return to His presence so that we can ALL be together forever!  I hope you know how much I am relying on Him to teach me all the things I need to know about YOU and to help me prepare you to do all the things He needs you to do and to have all the things He has in store for you in life.  I hope you know how much I love Jesus Christ, how much I appreciate and rely on Him EVERY DAY to make it possible for me to be the kind of mom you need and the kind of person that CAN walk with you back to Heavenly Father's presence; how much you will need to rely on Him EVERY DAY to make it through everything you will face in life and how much STRENGTH He will give you to do ALL THINGS.  I hope you realize with gratitude how much He is in the small things and He makes possible the joy, the happiness, the hope, the peace, the love, the end to suffering, to pain, to afflictions, to torments, to sin.

I hope you love the hymns!  I know your dad won't be singing solos in church or even in the shower any time soon, but I hope you smile every time you hear him sing off tune and that you always sing LOUD and CLEAR all the songs that we enjoy together now.  I hope you always pop, pop, pop when you hear Popcorn Popping and clap your hands when you hear If Your Happy and You Know It and smile and snuggle a bit closer every time you hear You Are My Sunshine and bob your head and bounce up and down when you hear any other number of songs.

I hope you love your bodies.  I hope you LOVE to move in them, to grow in them, to LIVE in them.  I hope you appreciate what a gift they are and that you get joy and strength from exercising and enhancing your physical ability to move, to breathe, to serve, to love, to reach out, to jump, to skip, to run, to lift, to give.  I hope you always make it a priority to nourish your body, to be mindful of its needs, to have the strength to keep your physical desires in check and to enjoy them when it's time to enjoy them and not over-indulge and have regrets (even one more cinnamon roll can be too much sometimes!).  I hope your physical appearance and choices always reflect who you are and what you stand for - truth, righteousness, joy, hope, eternal life.

I hope you love the prophet!  I hope you look forward to opportunities to receive further counsel and implement it in your lives, always hungering and thirsting to have and know and do more, always finding it a joy to do so.

I hope you love the Gospel and the Work that goes along with it, that you desire to serve and share this wonderful message about the atonement of the Savior and the Plan of Salvation and the Restoration of the Church of Jesus Christ and the translation of the Book of Mormon and the good news that Families CAN be together forever and don't have to be separated by death or illness or any number of other things.

I hope you will love the Temple, the House of the Lord; that you will long to be inside its walls and feel the peace you can only find there.  I hope you will rejoice in your covenants and feel that it is a privilege to be worthy to enter its doors.  And I hope you will make it a point to go there often, to look into eternity and find the strength to keep walking towards it, to find the strength to soak it up and bask in its warmth and peace and hope.

And I hope you will always dance, you will always sing, you will always LAUGH, you will always try to learn and get that gleam in your eye every time you do, you will always get frustrated that you can't do more, you will always be proud when you get that one thing you have been trying so hard to figure out for so long, you will always be beside yourself with joy when your dad or I walk in the room after a short (or long) absence, you will always feel safe to cry and to be disappointed sometimes and to forgive so easily and love so freely, you will always light up at the simple things, you will always find JOY in each moment of each day.

So I'll let you sleep tonight while I'm up thinking enough for both of us.  But please know how much I love you . . . and please don't ever grow up too much for that.

Valentine's Day

Before I let it go any farther and forget, I have to write a post about my amazing husband.

For Valentine's Day, we had a little "talk" about how he hates Valentine's Day because it basically has no purpose. You go to the store -- any store, really, where flowers are sold -- and see that they've jacked the price of flowers, chocolate, anything associated with Valentine's Day really, way up and expect you to either pay the prices or feel like a poor schmuck for not getting your wife flowers or chocolate or jewelry or whatever. He said he would much rather we just do small, nice things for each other that come from the heart. Is there any question why I love him so much? I feel the same way!

I made him sugar cookies with my friend Anna -- I wrote, "David - you are my sunshine." And that was it -- about as 'romantic' as I get these days. We got to spend the day together, got to witness one of our friends be sealed to his fiance -- sealed means married for time and all eternity -- and spent the entire day together (I know I mentioned that already, but at this point it is worth mentioning two or three times because it was HUGE and I LOVED every second of it!). I don't think you could beat a beautiful drive, cheap-er gas, a temple sealing, and a wonderful wedding dinner! It was fantastic!

Well, what I want to add is that Dave IS always doing nice little things for me. A few examples:

Last semester when Sleeping Beauty came out on DVD, I had just had a really hard series of nights with our little Miss Abigail. That seems to have been the name of the game for the last six months, but sometimes things go more smoothly than others. This particular week was one of the less smooth weeks, and I was dragging but still trying to keep things going. Anyway, I woke up (around 10 or 11 after a very late night and a long night of ups and downs) and found on the table the DVD and a short, hand-written note of thanks for all I do to raise our children and keep our home running. I am sure you can imagine how many loads that lifted, and it was VERY easy to count my blessings and feel their abundance that day.

Again a week or so ago, I woke up to a note on the dry-erase board in the kitchen, "Melinda, you are my sunshine, my ONLY sunshine!" That's kind of our theme song ever since we had the babies. I sing it to the babies ALL the time; Dave is, in turn, picking up on it and has also started to sing it all the time. It's really fun. And that note made me smile all day long and the days after when I saw it over and over again.

Then on Wednesday, I woke up at around 5-5:30 to feed Abby and decided to just stay up and take a bath and get my hair done and get ready for the day before Isaac woke up and Dave was gone and I was by myself. After I got up, I went in to make sure Dave had lunch for the day, see if I could get him some breakfast, etc., and he looked at me and said, "Melinda, you look really tired. Why don't you just go lay down and get some sleep?" After only about four hours of sleep the night before (again, not uncommon for the last six months of my life to get little to no sleep time and time again), I had one of my first mornings of the 'morning, sleepless headache' that I have started to get more frequently lately. I said I would try but first wanted to make sure everything was in order for his day. Finally I went and laid down. I heard the front door shut and then open and shut again. I figured Dave had run out to get something or forgotten something. He hadn't -- rather, he had bought me some roses the day before and left them in my beautiful red pitcher on the top of the piano with a note that said, "For my beautiful wife. Thanks for all the amazing things you do. Your adoring husband, David."

I have the best husband in the world. And for us, Valentine's Day is a random-acts-of-kindness and sincere-acts-of-love occurrence that happens all the time!

Happy late Valentine's Day to everyone!

Update and Thoughts

First of all, an update on Dave's internship: HE GOT IT!!!!! Honestly, that came as bitter-sweet news to me. When he walked in from school the Monday following his interview, I asked him if he had heard anything yet, preparing myself for whatever. He said, "Well -- yes." The fact that he hesitated made my heart skip a beat; the fact that he hadn't told me, however, also made me hopeful. "And?" I asked. "And . . . . I got it. I start next Tuesday at 8:00 a.m." I felt 100 emotions in one second and ended on the tears in my eyes one. As excited as I was/am about this amazing opportunity, it has been and will be really hard. We had just finished a week of sick babies and a Drill weekend, and I was exhausted to the point of headaches and tears as I struggled every day to pull it together for my babies and just keep moving. With tears in my eyes, I said, "I'm really excited for you, Dave; but I am really feeling mixed emotions about this right now." He pulled me up off the sofa, gave me a huge hug, and said, "Me, too. I was kind of hoping he might say they offered it to someone else. But we can do this. We can make it. It's going to be hard, but it will be worth it in the end; and together, we can do this." I smiled at his faith in me and resolved -- as I have re-done many times in the last week -- that I will have the BEST attitude about every second that I don't see my husband and get to enjoy all of the moments with my babies that I don't have to miss. In fact, I'm trying to enjoy them twice as much to make up for him missing them. Some days, it works really well. Other days . . . . well, today is another day, so I'll leave that one open. ;-D

Bathroom Battlefront

Okay, so in June when we moved into this condo, it was basically disgusting!!!! Emphasis on the DIS-GUS-TING. Seriously, folks! So we (my mom and I) went to the store and dug out every combination of cleaning products possible. I must have spent at least $100 on just products to try to clean this place up. Anyway, my sister had told me to use Lysol Toilet Bowl Cleaner with Bleach to clean the toilet. Said to leave it on overnight and then - Viola!!!! - scrub clean for a perfectly white toilet bowl. Well, that was the one thing we got and tried that actually worked.

Then, with our heavy-in-iron Moscow water, I was noticing that the toilet bowls were getting yellow again. So, I bought more cleaner. I had noticed, however, that the cleaner just got to the water line and then disappeared in the water instead of cleaning the actual bowl. So I asked Dave -- casually, mind you -- this morning if he could turn off the water for me and get the water level down.

He cheakily said that it wasn't dirty enough to warrant that DEEP of a cleaning, but that I just needed to put it on it, let it sit for a few minutes, and scrub it off. I felt like he was wrong, however - long story short - he was right before in the cleaning marathon when I was freaking out about the tub being clean enough to bath babies in and spent days scrubbing it with my mom, and then he just went in and scrubbed for like fifteen minutes and had it sparkling!!!! Grrrrr. . . .

So, I told him that I hated it when he treated me like I hadn't worked on cleaning everything for days and didn't know anything.

Without me knowing what he was doing, he went in, got the cleaner, sprinkled it on the toilet, came out and ate breakfast, and then went back in and pretended to go to the bathroom while scrubbing the toilet bowl for like two minutes - TOPS. Know what -- he was right!!!! Again!!!! Not that I'm complaining about him scrubbing the bowl or anything, but sometimes it just kills me that he is so dang smart and so often right about everything.

Then again, perhaps I've found a new technique for getting out of cleaning the bathroom! ;-D

Isaac and Abby

Well, this is my first official post. What am I saying? Official or not, this is my first post. I finally decided that I need to start writing -- and I'll figure out how to put pics up and other fun stuff later. But you have to start somewhere, right? And I need to give Monique something to read so she'll start visiting my site again! ;-D

It has been quite a busy two months. I say busy, but even then all I can account for are 8-10x7x8.5x2 feedings, give or take a few; at least that many diaper changes; the more than occasional blowout; probably just as many hours of rocking and burping and coaxing through gas bubbles and constipation cramps; and, unfortunately, about 1/2 to 2/3 as many hours sleeping. ;-D

Take away all of that, and I can only attempt to put into words the millions of reasons -- infinite, if you will, and thus unable to put into a mathematical equation -- that I am completely in love with my family.

First of all, Abigail. The first thing that stole our hearts with Abby was her very well formed nose. I know it may sound silly, but she came into this world with the cutest little nose! Add to that her very large blue eyes, her somewhat olive skin tones (not sure where she got that from), and her cute little ears that stand out from her face just enough to stand out without it being so much that you think, "Wow - she has really big ears!" Yeah, she has a little pixy face, whatever that means. For some reason, that's just what comes to mind when I look at her. She is just a cute little girl in every way.

Abby started out being a very "colicky" baby. I cry even as I write this just thinking about the last eight weeks with this precious little girl. She has had a difficult time adjusting to this mortal tabernacle that her spirit has recently occupied in a new, unexplored way. And that has been hard for her and also hard on me, not going to lie. I remember many nights that she would wake up screaming, and I would go to the crib or the cradle and look into her face and see her whole face scrunched up in pain. It was awful! And many times I myself broke into tears at the mere sight of her discomfort. We would cry together -- which, as is generally the case with females, has led to some very intense female bonding in the wee small hours of the morning -- and then I would just sit and hold her and rock her and go through the bicycle motions with her legs to try to help her work through it. I write in the past tense, but the truth is that we are still doing all of this to try to work through it; but it's getting better!

Our first friend in working through all of this was Daddy. I remember the first week after we got home when Dave was just getting ready for his first day of school. He came in while I was feeding her and asked, "Can I burp her--- puhlease?!!!!!" My heart melted and I laughed and told him that of course he could. And that was neither the first nor last time that he came to my rescue with this little girl. Abby loves her daddy!!! The next friend in working through this little kink was Grandma White. She was followed by a bottle of gas drops. Then Monique came and put in her share of nights just rubbing and coaxing and rocking this little girl. Now it is a swing that an angel of mercy gave to us a few weeks ago (thanks, Shawna!!!). I'll put her in the fetal position in the swing, bundle her up really well, and let her just try to work through it while the swing does the rocking. And she has stolen all of our hearts as we have tried to ease her transition into this world.

Aside from that, though, things with Abby have just started to get really fun. She is one of the cutest, most fun to watch babies in the world! She will sit, sometimes for five minutes or so (which is a lot for a newborn) and just smile the biggest smiles, coo the cutest coos, and make faces that would make you think she was talking to you with the best of them were you to view it on a silent movie. A few times we have even gotten some giggles! It's so cute! And, yes, to our delight we have found she has her mom and Grandpa White's dimples! ;-D Lucky girl! She's well on her way to stealing many a male heart - her daddy's being the first! At Stake Conference on Saturday night, I think she was even singing the closing song with her dad. It was just so incredibly fun and just so cute! We can't get enough of watching her during those moments and even watching her constantly in anticipation for those moments.

Next is Isaac -- our little man. If you were to spend two minutes with him, you would soon see why we call him our little man and that there couldn't be a more accurate or appropriate description than that for him. He is seriously one of THE cutest little babies ever!!!! His smiles don't come as often or as easily as Abby's, but when they do they just steal your heart! His whole face -- generally serious with a furrowed brow that lets you know he is working on solving all the world's problems and cannot be disturbed -- relaxes, and you see this cute, sweet little boy in him come out for just a moment. However, I'm kind of glad that we have the furrowed brow moments. It just adds that much more personality to our little baby boy. You could literally sit and watch him for hours, watching his various "thinking at you" faces, as his daddy calls them. And you would laugh the entire time. Again, I get jealous when other people get to sit and watch him and quickly cue in to not miss a single moment of his glances, looks, furrowed brows, and occasional smiles.

Isaac is more of the strong, silent type already. He has also struggled with the gas and constipation, but instead of crying through it, he just furrows that brow and concentrates silently until he either falls asleep or works through it. Sometimes when you hold him, you can just hear the bubbles rumbling through his tummy. Other times, more than an hour after I have laid him down and thought he was asleep, I'll go in and check on him only to find that he is wide awake and "thinking." Consequently, he has become a self burper! It's really funny! He'll be eating right along and then back off a little, burp, and get right back to eating.

Sunday night we were at our friends' house and I looked over to see David staring at the top of Isaac's head. He said, "Look." And I looked over to see his heartbeat in the soft spot on the top of his head. It was really crazy! Oh the fun things you don't think about getting to see when you're a parent.

As I said before -- I am in love with my family: David, Isaac, and Abigail. They steal my heart day after day, over and over again!