Four YEARS! (Only Four? Four Already?)

This may or may not be a post most will read, but there are things I have to record.  I have been SUCH a slacker!!!

First of all, Dave and I celebrated our FOURTH anniversary on December 15.  We had talked about going to Disneyland because I found tickets for $35 a day, which is UNHEARD OF!  And Christmas time at Disneyland just HAS to be incredibly magical, right?  I mean, it's DISNEYLAND!!!  But we couldn't arrange things with anyone to watch the kids for an entire day!  And so . . . . drumroll, please! . . . . he surprised me with tickets to the Palmdale Symphony Orchestra's Christmas Concert.  That might not seem like much to some.  They weren't even a LARGE orchestra, and the first half of the concert was mostly performed by a bunch of young children/beginning violinists.  But for me -- it was perfect!  I don't remember the last time I went to a concert!  And I truly took for granted having so much at my fingertips in Moscow with the Music Department, Jazz Choir and Bands, community concerts, plays, musicals, you name it!  And most just a 10-minute walk from my front door.  So this orchestra might as well have been . . . well, whatever a really well-known and much larger orchestra is. :-)  See? I don't know the difference.  And I felt spoiled!

And sappy wife moment -- you've been warned -- I remember when I would hear people say that they grew more in love as they got older.  My friend Amanda once told me that what she felt for her husband when they got married was puppy love compared to what she felt a few years later.  These last few years for us have been HARD!  H-A-R-D!  Not that marriage has been hard, but life has been hard, filled with changes, transitions, and challenges I never dreamed of, let alone planned for.  And I felt so many times like I just WISHED I would understand what those people were talking about!!! LOL - no offense, Dave! :-)  Mostly a reflection on ME, really! ;-D

But this year, it hit me so strongly that I was feeling so in love with this man I get to spend every day with.  That the "falling more in love" has happened slowly, almost imperceptibly, as I have watched him as a husband, a father, a friend, a son, a brother, a dreamer; as I have felt his selfless acts of kindness, received his words of encouragement when I most warranted criticism; as I have felt his literal and proverbial steady hand when I wanted to crumble or even disappear.  The falling more in love hasn't happened on weekly date nights -- or even monthly date nights most of the time (Bi-annual, anyone?). :-)  And it hasn't happened over dinner or flowers or chocolates or jewelry (just another way he actually shows me he loves me, because my emotions and our finances couldn't have handled all of those things). 

But it HAS happened over every single day, every single time he respects me, elevates me, tries to understand me (complicated for the best), and looks for opportunities to give me wings to fly and make me happy! It HAS happened as I have listened to him read stories to my children at night to have special moments with them and give me a breather.  It HAS happened as he has created memories and traditions and made life happen when I was busy just trying to get through it.  It HAS happened as he has helped me re-focus on eternity when temporal trials and shortcomings had me so tied in knots I couldn't see straight.

So, yes! I have fallen more in love with the man I had just brushed the surface of understanding and appreciating just four short years ago.  And I know now, more than ever, that I am married to the man of my dreams, living the life I always wanted!

Happy Anniversary, David! The best is yet to be!

I've Reached That Point Again

I remember very vividly how I felt when I reached this point with the twins.  Up to that point, life had been crazy!  Everything felt stressful to me!  I dreaded them waking up and looked forward to them going to bed.  Every part of daily life and routines felt like a heavy chore that I was just trudging along to get through or looking for a reason to avoid.  I was exhausted.  I was overwhelmed.  I was out of ideas.

Then one day it just changed.  I don't remember what happened that made me make the change - but something happened.  I think I probably started reading my scriptures every morning and keeping a clean house and taking my vitamins and minerals and going to bed at a decent hour.  But I remember realizing one week that it had been a FABULOUS week!  I was enjoying my children immensely!  I looked forward to bathtime, story time, scripture time, singing time, playing time, meal time, all the time.  I was so calm and relaxed as I experienced every one of these things WITH my children and didn't just complete them FOR my children.  And when I felt that change, I left their room one night and shut the door and just stood there sobbing.  Everything about life was totally different.  Everything.

And yet I know that really I was the only thing that changed.

Here I am again, more than a year and another baby later.  And it has been a FANTASTIC month for me!  For the first time in over a year - everything feels so fantastic!!!  My house is in order like it hasn't been in order since I moved here - at least consecutively and consistently in order since I moved here.  I have more and more moments like last night where I don't feel like I'm at WAR with my children -- and I feel totally equipped to handle them, being in control of MY emotions and feelings and therefore the situation.  I have meals down pat!  I'm totally on top of cooking and cleaning and healthy eating in ways I've planned to the last detail to be for . . . forever!  I look forward to story time and song time and prayers.

And even cleaning up tonight was so much fun -- all of us were working together.  That little Abby is a TROOPER, a dynamite helper, and so independent it kills me sometimes that she's already there.  Isaac needs a little more help staying focused sometimes -- those darn toys just look too fun to put away without playing with them for just one moment longer!  But we get through that and he gets back into focus, and he's always the first to start singing the Clean Up song.  And even Brianna had fun while we cleaned, discovering the air purifier and pulling herself up to stand next to it and play with the buttons, startling and falling down when her curious face was met with a gust of air from the vent, and then pulling herself up again to try and figure it all out!  It was awesome for ALL of us!  The kids filled in the blanks with the rhymes in their books.  Isaac made up songs about whatever came to mind to the tune of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" and kept at it for more than a half hour after he got into bed.  And rather than be aggravated that he wasn't asleep already, I just enjoyed his lyrics and creativity and sat down the hall just listening to him sing his little heart out! (Dave, bless his heart, was exhausted from the Benedryl he took to combat the allergies that hit him like a load of bricks when he got back from his campout - or he would have been singing and having fun with us, too!)

I'm not going to pretend that every day is a Jolly Holiday with Mary "Mommy" Poppins around here.  Because it SO is not!  And I still have nights where I dread going to sleep because I simply don't have a thing on the agenda for the next day and know I have two energetic toddlers to try and teach and prepare and entertain and love and an infant who is catching up too quickly for my comfort.  And that in and of itself can be completely overwhelming!  I wish I had a "what to do with your children day by day, 365 days a year, from birth to 18-years-old: a parents complete guide to raising brilliant, responsible, kind, disciplined, hard-working, obedient, independent, spiritually-solid, confident, competent, talented, humble, gracious (and any other adjective you want to add along the way) children."

But then again, I have a feeling that such a book would lead to me being an absolute nervous wreck of a mother for the rest of my childrens' lives.  Because I really think that my literal change of heart comes when I stop trying to fit into a day what everyone else says or thinks I should, when I stop feeling that everyone is looking at me and judging me and finding me wanting in every possible way.  When I let go of the should be's and would be's and could be's and just let myself work through and laugh at and appreciate and value and ENJOY what IS -- messy, clean, tantrums, food fights, scary dinosaurs that hiss at the people behind us in church, looks that could kill someone who's been dead for 50 years, hugs, apologies, gratitude, I love you's, please-and-thank-yous, the WHOLE gammit -- I find JOY in the JOURNEY!  And when that happens, I find that my children find JOY in ME!  And then I'm more prepared and inclined to naturally do . . . better.

Banana Mixed with Banana Chocolate Chip

Tonight Isaac had a hard time falling asleep.  Maybe it was to do me a favor because Dave is on a campout with the Young Men/Scouts in our ward and I was NOT looking forward to a night all by myself.  But whatever it was . . . it was pretty intense.  But that's Isaac.  First he cried and cried and cried.  Then he cried.  Then he screamed.  Then he cried.  And he woke Brianna up every single time.  So finally I went in, armed and dangerous.

Then I remembered that kids meet you in the same attitude/voice you take to them and decided to take it down a few notches.  He said he was hungry, and though I didn't really believe him, after an hour and a half of weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth and really, really, really wanting to put his sister to bed for the LAST time of the night, I caved.  I had two quick/non-messy foods in the kitchen: a banana and a banana chocolate chip muffin that didn't rise when I baked it because I opened the oven to "check" on it, and it therefore has lasted a few days in a ziploc bag on my counter.  I took both.

He opted for the banana.  Perfect.  I left it with him and . . . left.

Just as I got Brianna back to sleep --- BAM!  Screaming, crying, more weeping, wailing, gnashing of teeth. And an echo of it from Brianna who was once again disrupted in our every attempt to get her some sleep.

Again, I went in armed and ready for a fight.  And again the voice in my head - love that voice sometimes - warned me to take it easy and set the tone.  Firm but kind. In control of my emotions and the situation but loving and caring and wanting to understand what he really needed so we could ALL get some sleep tonight.

So I grabbed the previously-rejected muffin and went back into his room with it.  To find the uneaten banana sitting on his pillow and a very worn-out little boy tired to tears and not even capable himself of knowing what he needed.  Or so I thought. I got him back in bed, told him that if he was hungry, he would eat the banana, but he would do it in bed.  The LAST thing I needed was him thinking he could use hunger to get out of bed/out of his room and repeat performances in pursuit thereof ALL NIGHT LONG!

Just then Brianna started to cry.  Isaac told me she was crying and I said I heard her; then he said, "Mommy, cuddle Isaac's pillow."  I thought he meant he wanted Brianna to lay with him for a minute because sometimes when I go in to say goodnight with her in my arms, I'll lay her beside him for a minute to cuddle and say goodnight.  I told him that tonight was not a good night for that, Brianna was having a hard time, everyone was tired, and he just needed to eat the banana and muffin and go to bed.  We argued for a minute about whether or not HE was actually tired.  Then he looked at me, red-faced and puffy-eyed from crying for SO LONG, and repeated, "Mommy, cuddle on Isaac's pillow a minute."  I said, "Isaac - you want me to cuddle with you?"  He said yes.  I said, "Honey, I can't - I'm too big to lay in your bed with you."  He said, "No - not too big, Mommy!  I need you cuddle a minute."

I laid my head on his chest and repeated that I was too big but I loved him.  He wrapped his arm around my head and pulled me to him as hard as he could and said, "I love you, Mommy!"  I laid there for a minute, rubbing his back to calm him down, the smell of the banana he was eating and the muffin on his pillow filling my senses -- the tight squeeze of his arm every time he thought I might be lifting my head pulling on my heartstrings.  I finally did lift my head, but he said, "Mommy - please cuddle Isaac's back again!"  So I laid my head back on his chest and rubbed his back again as he finished his banana.

Then Brianna's screams bordering hysteria brought me back to reality, and I told him I absolutely had to go to Brianna and to please finish his food and go to sleep.  He said okay - we said one last I love you - and I left the room.

I'm recording this tonight - in my usual TMI/overly-verbose detail, because I hope that smell -- those smells -- always bring this memory back to me.  On so many levels I don't ever want to forget this night when the voice in my head got me to a point to be there when my little boy melted my heart, asked me to cuddle with him for a minute, pulled me tightly to his chest, and said from the depths of his heart, "I love you, Mommy!"  And - in spite of the voices in my head shouting at me about tooth decay and food in bed and giving in to even two-hour-long crying spells - I'm glad I listened to the one that got me to be there with calm, controlled kindness and love.  It doesn't get much better than that, does it?

Life's Desserts

I've been thinking about some things this morning.  I have three amazing kids! They all came at times and in seasons that I probably would not have picked.  But I am seeing more and more each day the WISDOM and PERFECT ORDER of each of those times and seasons . . . and of each of our children joining and creating our family.  But there are those moments . . . .

At the Easter Egg hunt last week, I LONGED . . . LONGED . . . to be a volunteer coordinator again, planning community events and projects like that and at the front lines and cross roads heading it all up and basking in the joy I knew I was making possible for those kids to have.  In fact, in this large metropolis that is really a distant extension of L.A., there are SO MANY needs in the community that I wish I could be a part of fulfilling.  And whenever I drive by the college I think about how much FUN it would be to teach again . . . or even tutor people who need extra help . . . because I know I am GOOD at those things.  And they make my heart sing!  I'm working on pinning it down to one thing I CAN do - through service somewhere once a month or once a week - but the time.  The time involved.  The time and opportunity and the time necessary to find the opportunity.  And then finding something to do with my kids while I TAKE the opportunity.  It gets complicated.

In the midst of all of this, I had the thought -- what if I just had one child.  Or what if I had a part-time job.  Or what if I had successfully put off having children and didn't have any right now . . . .

And then I picked Brianna up off the floor where she had been contently, even excitedly, playing with . . . a sock and a measuring cup.  And she started kicking her legs and flapping her arms and smiling and even laughed in glee as soon as I picked her up.  And in came her wide-open mouth up to my cheek to give me a kiss as I pulled her in for a hug.  And down the hall, the twins came running in -- Abby running away from Isaac as they played tag (except she always shuts the door behind her so he can't get her -- I guess she's still learning that doors aren't really a part of the game of tag).  They were both laughing hysterically, Abby half-dressed with her shirt on backwards (because she dresses herself these days and is VERY adamant about it) enjoying every second and calling to me to protect them!

And my heart smiled.  And took a picture. The other things . . . those are pictures I already have in my heart . . . or even pictures I have plenty of time to take someday.  But these children.  These pictures.  These only happen now.  These are irreplaceable.  These aren't planned or budgeted in or even aptly recorded more than in my heart and mind most of the time.  And they are fleeting . . . so fleeting!  And when they are through, I will have created more than a moment . . . but a life.  A life that will live a lifetime and beyond.  A life that will affect other lives.  And create other lives.  Right now I have three of them, actually -- and that's a lot of living I need to be concerned with right now!  That's a lot of time I need to be focused on right now.

So I typed this as my Facebook Status: 

If we didn't have 3 kids, we would have a lot more money and time to do things like game nights, hobbies, working out, backpacking, vacations, traveling, date nights OUT, cruises, gadgets, new clothes --- we would have a LOT LESS smiles, laughs, hugs, slobbery kisses, adoration, emulation, discoveries you take for granted every day, perspective, hilarious one-liners, water fights, dirt fights, "I yuv you may much!" and other things that melt your heart 1,000 times over, tickle fights that make your sides hurt even if you AREN'T a part of them (not to mention your EARS!), cuddles and snuggles to your heart's desire, story time whenever you want, snack time five to six times a DAY, the list is endless. The trade-off? TOTALLY worth it. And those other things - there's a time and a season for everything!

"If dinner was always dessert, what joy would dessert hold?"  Originally I thought of that in terms of all the things I was missing right now as I focus on my dinner and long for my dessert.  But then my heart took a picture that reminded me that these kids are a lifetime of desserts.  Dinner is the daily grind . . . necessary, but not necessarily monumental or memorable most days of the week.  The rest of the things that my kids are and bring to me . . . that's all desserts.  And I need dinner to really appreciate them.  So I'll bask in and be thankful for both!

Defining Moments

Yesterday at Sam's Club, the lady checking our basket as we left had buttons on her jacket with pictures of her little boy.  Curious George and his co-pilot, Curious Georgina quickly noticed and asked her, "What's that?" pointing to her buttons.  She told them it was her little boy playing baseball.  Then they pointed to the other button and said, "What's that?" and she explained it was the same boy playing soccer.  Then she said, "Except he just plays soccer now - he doesn't want to do baseball anymore.  And it's expensive, but gotta keep 'em active so they keep out of trouble.  No other way to raise kids these days."  I smiled, thanked her, the kids enthusiastically called and waved, "BYE!" as we left.  And it stuck with me.

Today as I drove home from getting food for the week, I heard an interview on a Christian radio station.  The gist of the conversation was on how to save your kids in today's world.  They talked about how things have changed, how sensuality has changed the focus of our society, even for young children.  They talked about how many kids and teens say they would rather die than be seen as uncool - or for girls (and I DO mean girls) as un-"sexy."  Mortality rates due to eating disorders have apparently risen; and parents teaching the biblical teaching of abstinence is seen as a thing of the past - an almost laughable thing of the past since most kids see anywhere with anyone at anytime as completely acceptable and normal.  And they talked about how the media has influenced and shaped this even more than a teen's peers.  IN FACT, the MEDIA has become this generation of teens' #1PEER GROUP. 

My mind jumped to a few other conversations:
1) A woman spoke to us about our church's family night and said that it was an IDEAL time to discuss difficult topics like sex, pornography, and drugs.  In fact, in one of their family night discussions, they spoke in detail about pornography: what it was, where it was found, why it was bad, what to do if they were ever confronted by it at school, on the computer, etc.  Their fifth-grader returned home later that week, running into the house and up to his mom and told her, slightly out of breath, "MOM!  Remember that P-word stuff we talked about in family night on Monday?  So-and-so brought a magazine to school today and showed me some, and I told him to put it away because I don't look at stuff like that."  A FIFTH grade boy.  That mother shared that perhaps the reason a teen is said to turn to and listen to his peers is not because those people are most important to him but because his parents throw him into those groups instead of making home and family their core group where they spend the majority of their time.  Parents register them for every activity on the planet, keeping them busy to keep them out of trouble but never register them for time with the family where they will REALLY learn about the things that will keep them out of trouble.  The radio talk show also addressed the fact that one of the first thing a parent who has a troubled teen in an emergency situation needs to do is schedule a date with that teen on a weekly basis -- not to lecture or discuss the emergency, just to hang out, connect, become friends, be together. Truly, the FAMILY, is central to God's plan to protect and support and sustain us in times when society will fail.

2) In church we had a lesson on Pornography.  A lady shared that her 12-year-old nephew had been introduced to it after a church activity by some members of his church group.  They had subsequently ALL become addicted and it was some time before their parents caught on to what was happening and were able to intervene.  I say intervene - because overcoming pornography is something that many of my friends can attest will take a LIFETIME of intervention and committed dedication.  And the scars it leaves on the wives and children stuck in the process will take at least that long to heal. I have realized many times that pornography doesn't just pop up for those seeking it or in chat rooms or grocery lines.  And the fact that PARENTS are addicted means that more CHILDREN become exposed.  And those children share.  And church groups and homes are not necessarily sanctuaries from these things.  We have to make a conscious effort to MAKE them sanctuaries but also be on top of KEEPING them sanctuaries by being involved in our kids lives and KNOWING what is going on, not just assuming that weekly church attendance and a picture of the prophet on the wall and christian hymns on the radio or ipod are going to secure our home is protected.

3) While I was at my mom's we were watching an episode of "The Doctors."  They were talking about sexually transmitted diseases and how they need to give condoms to THIRD GRADERS because of the number of instances of STD's - particularly life-long and incurable ones like HIV - that pop up in hospitals among those THIRD GRADE children.  They said parents need to pull their heads out and realize that this is a reality and go to bat for their kids by giving them condoms and education that will protect them from ruining their lives so young by contracting these STD's. 

4) My sister, who teaches Family and Consumer Sciences in a predominantly-Christian area, is forbidden from speaking about sex, sexuality, protection, etc. in all its forms.  Even to her high school students.  She presented a lesson plan which included her having her students make bookmarks of 101 ways to say I LOVE YOU without having sex.  She was told she could NOT teach something like that and would be written up if she dared.  She is teaching, after all, in a very Christian community; and the parents of her students do not feel comfortable with someone mentioning sex or teaching sex education in such a public arena.  Those same students laugh at her whenever she talks about dating do's and dont's and tell her that they are WAY beyond talking about kissing among their friends with "benefits."  And they make it clear that those benefits are NOT holding hands and kissing.  A few students have even come to her to ask her what they should do about an unplanned pregnancy because they can't tell their parents - they'll be shunned and thrown out of the house if their parents know.

So here I sit with two-year-olds, trying to put into words and a plan in my mind what to do with all of this information in a quickly-changing world whose morals, I am afraid, have spiraled downwards way more quickly than anyone foresaw.  I say anyone, but the youth pamphlet that my church puts out has addressed these things for years.  I'm thankful to be a part of a church community where there are resources - even though I am learning that this is DEFINITELY not going to be nearly enough!  But it is still nice to have watchmen on the towers!  And now it's up to me to not be ignorant and to be proactive about all of this.

Mommy, I Sad

Isaac came in from jumping on the trampoline this afternoon to a VERY BUSY Mommy and Daddy who were trying to make a handout for my first Power of Moms Girls Night Out tonight. 

Isaac: Mommy . . . Mom . . . Mom?  I sad.
Me: (Trying to over-dramatize all of my actions and make him laugh, I scoop him up in a HUGE bear hug and kiss his forehead with a loud kiss) You're sad?  Why are you sad?
Isaac: Cuz I want jump on trampoline, and it too hot.
Me: Uh-oh!  It's too hot outside?
Isaac: Yeah.
Me: I'm sorry.  Are you going to be okay?
Isaac: Yeah.
Me: (thinking this exchange is more about him needing attention than anything else) Do you want to go outside now and jump on the trampoline?
Isaac: No. It too hot. (He stands there, head bowed, not moving.  I know this is my cue for something, but I'm not sure exactly what it is yet."
Me: Well, we can try again in the morning before it gets hot.
Isaac: (nothing - not even a raised eyebrow from this sullen boy)
Me: Or you could go in Abby's room and play with the blocks.
Isaac: (light comes on - followed by smiles and excited shouts as he runs across the room) Yeah!  I can play blocks!

I think this is okay and return to my project.  A few seconds later. . .
Isaac: Mom. Mommy.  Mom? I sad.
Me: Isaac?  Why are you sad?
Isaac: Mom - c'mere, Mom.  C'mon, Mommy - c'mon. (he takes my hand to lead me across the hall)
Me: Just one second, Isaac - let me finish this one thing.
Isaac: (to his credit, he waits a few seconds) Mom? Mommy.  Mom?  Will you please come here?  Mommy?  Please come here, Mom.

I immediately get up and walk across the room and get out the blocks and clean up the other toys so he can see them and focus and build without other distractions/toys in the way.  Then I return to what I was doing.

Why did I write this tonight?  Well, a few reasons.
1) This is the first time Isaac has come and identified to me how he was feeling and why AND waited for me to offer a solution to his problem that would really SOLVE his problem.  That HAS to be a developmental milestone recorded in some book somewhere as something that he will start doing at this age.  And I am really, really proud of him!
2) I was working on a handout for a meeting designed to help me be a better MOTHER.  Living deliberately to create the life I want AND my children want/need.  And yet I was ignoring a perfect opportunity to put it to action!  Now there ARE times and seasons for these moments.  There are times to play and times to focus on something else.  And there are lessons for kids to learn in each of those times.  But today -- TODAY -- Isaac needed me.  My undivided attention.  A playmate bigger than Abby.  Help with his newly-identified problem.  And I don't think I respond to those needs nearly as often as I should.
3) My little boy is growing up.  And someday, in the not-too-distant future, I am going to want to hear his voice, to pause the clock for a minute to remember what he said, how he said it, how I felt when I heard it.  Someday he isn't going to come to me for help.  He might not even be willing to tell me when he is sad.  And he definitely won't invite me to come to his aid and be his playmate.  And when that happens, it will make ME sad. 

But for now . . . for today . . . I just want to remember. 

Life is like Hair Follicles

In other news, I would like to record that after 32 long years of fighting pokey hair and horns, David FINALLY learned how to comb his hair!  We are SOOOO proud of him! Hahahahahahaha! 

In all seriousness, though, he said he was standing in front of the mirror yesterday, fighting with getting enough gel in his hair to get his spike to stay down in the back when he thought, "I wonder what would happen if I parted it and combed it the other way."  Know what happened?  It stayed that way.  All day.  All night, too.  All these years he has been going against the grain, and his hair NEVER conformed! And now we know why.

I was thinking about how much that pertains to LIFE.  How often do we spend a TON of time, energy, money, etc. trying to make something in our lives go the way we think it should go?  When in reality, it was never meant to go that way.  We try this product and that product, this spray and that spray, and surely this one is what will finally make it be what we want it to be.  But the fix is so much simpler than that - just let it be, comb it the other way. 

Unfortunately for David, and for many of us, he wasn't trying to make it something it wasn't.  He just simply didn't realize what it was.  And as soon as he did and went along with what it WAS, everything went smoothly!  Something he had spent YEARS trying to control ended up being something he had spent years trying to change - and once he tapped into it for what it was, VIOLA!  PRESTO!  No more problem.  No more expensive products. No more too-short hair cuts just to keep it from being a problem.  No more hat days just to hid the spike!

I'm only sorry he didn't learn earlier that his hair GREW in the opposite direction and would never comb the way he was trying to comb it without a spike!  Too bad he never had anyone come along with the expertise in "hair follicles" to tell him he was simply combing it the wrong way.  It would have been easier - gotten rid of one extra stress (albeit a small stress - it was still a stress for YEARS) in his life.

Another lesson for life - some simple solutions just have to be learned in time.  No one else can point them out.  No one else can discover the problem or create the change. Learn what IS and let it BE! ;-D

Grandma, Tell Me 'Bout

I loved that song - Grandpa, tell me 'bout the good ol' days!  I'm standing in my grandma's kitchen, a picture of her in her good ol' and very young days staring back at me.  I went into her office tonight to borrow a few envelopes from her.  It's hard to cross the threshold into her world - because that is what those three rooms were: her entire world in an office, a bathroom, and a bedroom.  I looked at the pictures on the wall and wondered why she had them, where they came from, who had given them to her, why they meant enough to have a place on the walls of her sanctuary.  I thumbed through a few books on her desk - some very old titles, some more contemporary ones - and cried a bit as I thumbed through her old Book of Mormon.  I don't remember seeing her read that one for quite a while now - the print was much smaller than her larger Book of Mormon that laid on her bed or sometimes on her walker's tray and was read daily, no matter the time of day or night.  I found a few books that I had never heard of before but that obviously had some significance for her:

- All is Well: A book published in 1909.  In the front it says it is the fourth volume in the Primers of Peace "Don't Fret" Series. 
- On Your Way: A book published by Deseret Book Company in 1964 and addresses what the front cover calls, "the practical problems of leaving home, planning the way ahead, study, work, and living with others."
- Voice of Warning: A book by Parley P. Pratt that was written to help people discern between the voices of the world and the ways of the Lord as the tides of the times caused moral and spiritual things to wash away like sand and the Lord needed His people to be rocks on the shore that would not wash away.

You know, I don't know why she had these books on her computer stand, right in front of the chair she sat in day after day to do her needlework and make dolls or doll dresses or write birthday cards to each of the sisters in her church women's group as their birthdays rolled around.  I do not know who gave her these books and why she kept them.  I don't know if they belonged to her mother and were passed down to her or if they were gifts from friends or things she bought to give to her children.  I don't know how often she read them or what she gleaned from them each time she did.  And now, finding them today, I realized that I never will.  That chair is now empty.  Those books are now simply part of the estate to be dispursed as the executors see fit.  And they may be seen as just old books, maybe viewed as valuable because they are so old or as silly and garbage because they are so worn.  Not on purpose because the executors are frivolous or materialistic, but just because that is the way things go sometimes.  And no matter what they or I might think when we read them or see them, we will never know what she saw, what she felt, why she kept them there.  Were they in a predominant place so they could be remembered and found easily?  Or were they really stashed behind the sewing machine and mostly forgotten dust collectors?  I don't know.

I spent the better part of six months here in my grandma's house last year.  Half the year.  That's a long time.  She loved my children -- she gave them so much love and laughter and joy.  I ran across a note in her weight journal that talked about us coming one time and the twins walking in the door and running over and crawling up on her lap with Madison and her saying, "Let's have a party!"  I could just hear her say that and hear her laughter as I read it.  I could hear a lot of things as I remembered that day.  And then she wrote that she fell as she walked back down the hall to her room.  And my mom called the neighbor lady who was loading something in her car out front to come over and help me lift Grandma off the floor.  She wrote that it was a "Piece of cake."  I can hear her saying that with laughter to lighten what might have been a more perilous and serious situation at her age.  And we set her on her bed and went about our day - I think we might have even gotten food at Corona Village that night and brought it to her.  One of her favorite places to eat.

During the time I was here last year, my mom often told me she wanted me to sit and get Grandma to tell me stories about her life growing up.  And I would love to say I did it.  But I didn't.  I didn't.  I was too busy.  And whenever I would go in and stand in her room and talk to her for a few minutes, my ears and eyes were always half in the hallway and half in Grandma's room.  I know, I had two little tornadoes in a candy store of opportunities to discover and climb and break and turn inside out this entire house!  But I wish I had been a little more respectful of the fact that my grandma was old and was not going to be around forever and the day would come when I would want with everything inside of me to preserve and recreate for my children and their children who this wonderful woman was that gave me such a rich heritage!  I wish I had been a little less caught up in the moment and a little more wise to the context of time in the context of eternity.  But I wasn't.

And now all I can do is wish for each of us a little more conscious use of time and the fact that there is a beginning and an end for all of us that we cannot foresee or control.  It may be that today is all we have.  It may be that we have thousands of todays ahead of us.  And though it would be incredibly stupid and unhealthy to obsess over the fact that life has a beginning AND an end that we cannot determine the timing of, it would do us good to keep it in mind evey now and then.

And the other thing I have determined to do is to write down the memories that come to me of Grandma.  Because there are so many things she cannot tell me about from her life.  But there are things from my life that mixed with her life that I can leave for my children.  And then they will understand their rich heritage and the legacy they must continue to leave for generations to come.

Touch the Bubbles

A few days ago I was sitting on my mom's bed breastfeeding Brianna.  The kids have all been sick, so we have a humidifier by the bed on my mom's computer desk.  While I sat there, Isaac walked up the stairs and started to play in the other room.  Soon he joined me in Mom's room.  And then he noticed the humidifier.  They have one in their room at home and spilled it lots of times before we got them to stop spilling it and just let it be.  So I wasn't worried.

Before I could blink, I heard a bang and saw the water tank had fallen to the floor.  I, of course, freaked out.  Sitting there feeding Brianna had been the first moment I had sat down all day - putting out fire after fire, tantrum, mess, etc.  I yelled at him - man did I yell.  "How could you do that?  You know you aren't supposed to touch the humidifiers!  This is no different than the one at home, Isaac!  Why did you knock it over?" Yeah - not proud of all the yelling.

And he quietly took it as I sat on the bed feeding Brianna, anticipating a keyboard with water all over it or a floor with water all over it or . . . . What a horrible thing, right?  To have to clean up WATER of all things.  I am sure my anger was merited!

Then Isaac came over to the bed and got up in my face and very quietly and sweetly said, "Mommy?  Mommy. Mom. Want to touch bubbles!" 

My heart melted - all anger sent to the North Pole in two seconds flat!  I looked at the humidifier base and back at Isaac and said, "You wanted to touch the bubbles in the water?" 

Isaac - "Mmmm hmmm." 

He looked down, ashamed, and I touched his face and said, "Isaac - I am sorry I yelled at you.  But honey, we can't touch those bubbles.  They're in the case and we can't reach them, okay?"

Isaac - "Okay."

And we had a big hug and off he ran.

Sometimes I think my children are full-fledged criminals out to get me - make every mess possible, disobey every command, deliberately spill and spoil everything in their path, disassemble things I didn't know could BE disassembled.  Hahahaha!  Even as I was typing this I had to jump up and run down the hall to my grandma's glass-enclosed casing that holds all of her fragile, antique, and very special porcelain dolls.  How many times have I told them to stay out of that one over the years?  Me and every other adult and child over four in this house!

But in that moment I was reminded that my children are great kids!  They are not intentionally TRYING to be difficult and create messes and destroy porcelain dolls or peek-a-boo flap books or humidifiers or elliptical machines or whatever else.  They are just discovering and learning and creating through destroying . . . if that makes sense.

So I need to take a few chill pills and pick my battles and learn what needs to be stopped with discipline and what needs to be understood and a teaching moment.

Isn't parenting fun? ;-D

My Heart Took a Picture

Abby and Isaac and Brianna are all sick.  Oh, wait - let me show you my surprise face . . . . Yeah, I don't really have one.  This scene is all too common and familiar!  Draining me and my budget!  But that's a story for never a day! ;-D

The night before last, I went upstairs to my mom's bedroom where we are all sleeping.  The routine is that I put the kids to bed in "Gamma's bed" and then move them when they are asleep.  Oh, and I have to mention that they find their way back to Gamma's bed several times a night, but the intent is to have just two in the bed instead of five.

Anyway - as I was putting them to bed, they kept hitting each other, pushing their feet against each other, rubbing the wall, rolling on top of each other on "accident" and just doing the typical sibling stuff.  And after over an hour -- they were NOT SLEEPING.  And momma was NOT HAPPY.  So I did what a smart mom would have done from the beginning: laid in between them. 

Now in the midst of all of this not-sleeping accident-happening fanfare, I had reached over and held one of each of their hands.  Not that it had the impact I had hoped because they still got creative with their other hands and feet.  But I gave it a good shot.

When I laid in between them, Isaac held on tightly to the one hand he had been holding.  And then he took the other hand and started petting my face, like I do to them to gently close their eyes when they aren't sleeping.  But I saw it as just one more distraction to keep him awake, so I turned my head towards the other twin.  Then he started stroking my ponytail.  And there we laid, my hand in his, his other hand gently stroking my ponytail until he fell asleep. 

Did I mention he fell asleep holding my hand and stroking my ponytail?  Just checking.

It was really sweet.

One of my dear friends wrote a post a few days ago about how there are times when you have to create moments that will be memories for your children.  You make the mess in the kitchen to make the cookies inspite of the mess in order to have the memory of making the cookies and the smiles and giggles on your children's faces when you do.

I agree with her SO MUCH!  But this little moment with my little man taught me something else.

Sometimes you just have to quiet your heart down enough for it to take a picture of the moments you did not and could not in a million years create . . . or ever forget!

In this moment, no mess necessary, no elaborate plan put into motion, no calories for the sake of my children having a fun memory with mom -- my heart took a picture.  And lest I forget, I'm writing it down.

It reminds me of another picture my heart took the last time we were here at my mom's - after Brianna was born when Dave was so sick for so long.  I had taken the twins up to put them to bed.  Same scene, different day.  I was holding Brianna.  Isaac was pitching fit after fit.  Finally he looked at me and said, "Mom - I hold Beenana, I hold him."  I reluctantly gave in after a few persistent requests.  And he laid there still as a board and held her on his arm, his little head touching her little head, the most peaceful expression on his face as they slept.  And he didn't move a muscle.  And this mommy heart took a picture of a little boy loving and protecting and cuddling with his baby sister. 

I hope there are many more picture-taking moments like these to record, just in case my camera breaks or forgets with old age or gets a full card that I can't sort through to find the specific pictures I'm looking for! ;-D

Let your heart be quiet today -- see what pictures it has been taking all along!

Some Pining Moments, Some Shining Moments

Today I'm missing the simple days, the simple things, the simplicity of life back when we couldn't wait to get through it because it was all going to "get easier and be better." (I tried to warn him that wasn't the case! But when he makes his mind up about things, he is one.determined.man.) :-) We had fewer bills, fewer commitments, fewer distractions, fewer worries, fewer miles between us every day.  We played more games, went on more walks, talked more often, worked together on more projects, met more often in the middle of the day just because, laughed more often, cooked together more often, ate together more often.  We had more friends, more opportunities for service just laid at our feet, more feeling like we were needed and a part of something bigger than just us, more hikes, more campouts.  We had fewer children, which meant less joy on the one hand because Brianna has blessed our lives beyond measure or expression, but we were also equally yoked to the task of the children we DID have, and therefore able to do more individually and together than what we are able to do as easily now.  And we had more opportunities to go to the temple (Dave's sister lives in Spokane).

And as I think about these things, I am reminded of the verse of scripture written by Alma, an ancient prophet whose writings are recorded in the Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Christ.  Alma begins by saying that he wishes he were an angel and could speak with the trump of God to cry repentance and God's plan of redemption to all people, telling them to come unto God and thereby avoid the sorrow that comes when we do not follow Christ and His ways.  Then he says, "But behold, I am a man, and do sin in my wish; for I ought to be content with the things which the Lord hath allotted unto me."

So today as I am remembering DIFFERENT times, I am reminding myself that they were not BETTER times.  And that where I am now, even though I may seek for righteous things and memories and friends, etc., well I can make the same mistake I made before in longing for a future something that I thought would bring me joys greater than my present something.  Or I can be content with the time and circumstances allotted to me NOW!

And one thing experience has taught me is that today's pining moments may easily be tomorrow's longed-for regrets.

I have a song from the LDS hymnal running through my head as I write this.  The words are:

Improve the shining moments,Don’t let them pass you by;
 Work while the sun is radiant;Work, for the night draws nigh.
 We cannot bid the sunbeams to lengthen out their stay; 
Nor can we ask the shadow to ever stay away.
  

Time flies on wings of lightning, we cannot call it back;
 It comes, then passes forward along its onward track;
 And if we are not mindful,The chance will fade away; 
For life is quick in passing—’Tis as a single day.
 
As winter time doth follow the pleasant summer days, 
So may our joys all vanish, and pass far from our gaze.Then should we not endeavorEach day some point to gain,That we may here be useful,And ev’ry wrong disdain. 

Improve each shining moment;In this you are secure,
 For promptness bringeth safety,And blessings rich and pure.

Let prudence guide your actions,

be honest in your heart,

And God will love and bless you,

And help to you impart.

Among the shining moments of today was a moment this morning.  I had just finished dressing Brianna and, as is our custom with our children, said, 'Look, Daddy!' To which Daddy always replies, "Wow!  You're so pretty (handsome!)!"  So today, after I said my line and Dave said his, Isaac (who was just getting his diaper changed before getting dressed for church) jumped up and ran over to where I was holding Brianna up and gave her the sweetest little side hug all while saying in a high-pitched and very sweet voice, "Brianna - are you pretty, cute girl?  Huh, Brianna?  So pretty?"  It was such a tender moment!

We made cookies for a friend in the ward who just had surgery this last week, and the twins drew cards with their handprints and beautiful scribbles on them, me writing Get Well, Love Abby across the top of one and Soon, Love Isaac across the top of the other.  Then we made another card/plate of cookies for our bishop who was home sick from church today.

And with the recent increase in cookie-making around here, I would like to report that Isaac has learned to share.  After I told him no he couldn't have any more cookies a couple of times (like at least five) and then left the room to work on something else for a minute, Dave reported that Isaac found his way into the office, cookie in hand, tore it into two pieces, and dutifully shared 1/2 of it with his sister before Dave and I caught onto what he was doing and the fact that he had just climbed up onto the counter and TAKEN the largest cookie there!  He's a slick little thief!  And he shared!  *ohhhhhhh*  I'm sure that was part of his cookie-napping scheme -- disobey mom with sugar on top of the disobedience: she isn't going to punish you for sharing! ;-D He's smart -- just brilliant!

Oh, and today during Sacrament Meeting he was sitting on my lap when they passed the sacrament around (bread and water in remembrance of the blood and body of Christ).  He said, "Mommy, more bread, please."  I shook my head silently.  He continued, "Mommy, more sandwich."  I said, "Isaac - it's not a sandwich, it's the Sacrament." I was CERTAIN he would get that it was SPECIAL and stop asking with such an explanation, right?  He didn't hesitate a second before saying, "Mommy, more Sacrament, please."  Cute, cute, cute little man!!!

Tidal Waves and Twinkies

You know, every now and then you have that overwhelming feeling of gratitude wash over you like a tidal wave - covering you, immersing you from the top of your head to the tips of your toes.  Today is such a day for me.  I have quite a few friends -- like it should be FRIGHTENING to you if you are my friend because I have so many friends who are having or have had twins in the last few years.  And three of them have had pre-term labor, bed rest, and/or early births with their babies.  As much as I thought in the moment that I - emphasis on the I - would have given anything to have my twins early, experience has taught me that the GREATEST blessing was that I DIDN'T.  And now that I have my twins and know the ups and downs and ins and outs and years of sleepless nights and double trouble/double fun moments lie ahead of all of my dear friends, I am kicking myself that we live so far away from them and can't do a thing.  Not one of the many small things that I would have given ANYTHING to have people do for me - and was thankful beyond words when one of them actually did. 

So that brings me to the present and makes me look around and try to see who around me is having a pre-term twin labor/birth moment in their owns special way, who is praying that someone will scrub out their kitchen sink or rescue them from another monotonous night of dinner and dishes, give them an easy night so their husband can just be their husband when they get home from work instead of a mommy/daddy twinkie pack, picking up all the work of two while wrapped in just on tight package.  I'm seeing a few dinner drop-offs in the near future -- probably tonight because my own twinkie-pack husband is home all day and gives me the flexibility/option to get out and do more than I can when he isn't.

Plato said that you should be kind to those around you because everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle!

'Nough said, huh? ;-D  So now I'm signing off to roll with these tidal waves and ease the weight placed on some tough but not invincible twinkies out there.

I Want to Thank You for . . .

C'mon - you know the tune.  Sing it out loud -- "givin' me the best da-ays of my li-i-ife!  And O-oh, just to be with you is givin' me the best da-ays of my life."

Today I have gratitude on my mind and heart.  The power of thank you.  Such small words.  Such easy words.  Such life-changing, relationship-building, faith-instilling, gratifying words.  When was the last time you said them?  Are there thank-yous left unsaid in your life or heart right now?  So what if it was something that happened a month ago (or two or three or four or a few years)?  Does it come to your mind - to your heart?  Does it bring a smile to your face?  Do you find yourself remembering that your life was changed or improved or influenced when so-and-so said or did such-and-such or allowed you to say or do such-and-such?  Cuz my heart has been remembering lately.  And I find myself in need of saying a lot of over-due, unspoken thank yous.  I am sure I have a few to say to you -- but if you don't hear from me for a while, don't think I have forgotten you.  I just have a VERY.LONG.LIST I am working on!

Today, though - thank you for reading my blog.  Thank you for saying to me that I matter enough to you and am a significant enough part of your life that you think reading up on my life matters.  Thank you for missing me and wondering how I am doing and coming to check up.  Whatever your reason for being here today, thank you!  Thank you for making me feel indispensable for a small moment in your very busy life and schedule.  Thank you for commenting (on here or in your heart).  Thank you for being my friend. 

Whenever I start to think about gratitude, I am reminded of some thoughts I had a few years ago while reading a familiar story in the New Testament.  The story of the ten lepers who were healed, and only one went back to say THANK YOU. Christ had told all of them to go and show themselves to the priests -- the custom in that culture was that they weren't clean until the priests declared them clean -- and when they all left Christ to go to the priests, all were being obedient to that commandment/tradition.  However, where nine of them kept going -- following the law that said the priests had to declare them clean before they would actually be considered clean -- the Samaritan, who wasn't a full believer in the law or, therefore, bound by it, recognized who had already made him clean, regardless of what the priests said.  He immediately went and glorified God, GIVING THANKS.  That made him whole instead of just clean, because his faith was in the Savior and not the priests, the law, or the false traditions.  Did the others glorify God -- did they get to the priests and tell everyone that Jesus of Nazareth had healed them, thus recognizing His power?  We don't know -- maybe, maybe not.  But the Samaritan definitely did.

There are a couple of things that really stand out to me here:
1) What it means to glorify God. In the scripture Moses 1:39, God says, "This is my work and my glory, to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man." His glory comes from our exaltation.  So, God is glorified as we complete His purpose -- which takes in recognizing Christ as our Savior, keeping the commandments, repenting of our sins, loving and forgiving others, etc. This automatically glorifies us in the process, bringing us to a place where we can be, through the Savior, worthy of exaltation.  Ultimately - as with the ten lepers - we must love Him more than man; we must want to return to Him more than we want man's praise or traditions, or even to just coast through life enjoying the blessings He sends us.

2) If this is God's work and glory -- if our exaltation is what glorifies God -- GRATITUDE is essential.  Merely appreciating someone in your life and all they may do for you is not enough to bring you closer to them.  It's YOU expressing that appreciation that lets THEM feel your love and understand it and find comfort and joy in it and therefore feel closer to you even as you feel closer to them for the love they have shown you, the love and acts that have left your heart GRATEFUL. 

This applies to relationships with friends, co-workers, neighbors, the mailman, the garbage man, God, everyone!  Particularly with God.  Even if we do go out and glorify and praise Him and all He does for us to everyone in the world and never go back to Him - never converse with Him and work on building that relationship with Him - that relationship doesn't exist. I feel love for Him and He feels love for me, but that coming together is what creates and strengthens our relationship WITH each other. One huge point to life build that relationship with God and do what is necessary to return to our Father.  GRATITUDE shows our faith, helps us identify how He is blessing us, helps us see and feel His love in our lives, teaches us what our worth is, etc. and also builds that relationship.

Like I said, gratitude has been on my mind and heart.  I hope you feel that love between now and my more personal THANK YOU!  And I hope you find a few minutes today or this week or this month, whenever, to say a few thank yous of your own!

Irreplaceable

I am the kind of person who likes to leave a mark on everything I do.  I always dreamed of being the Keynote speaker, the inspiration to women on topics of motherhood, womanhood, child rearing, and patriotism (to name a few).  I love writing and would LOVE to publish a book someday.  I even have a few titles in mind: Perfection Walls or Garbage Bags and Bread Crumbs.  I really enjoy writing cute rhymes and hope to get back to a point where I can write and publish a few children's books - my imaginary friend Sir Belvis in his baggy MC Hammer pants, oversized baseball cap, and blue cadillac being the hero of my adventures and tales.  And I love to write music.  I have written a few songs and even been blessed to perform some of them, and maybe one day I'll get to publish a book of songs.  I would also LOVE to be part of an a capella group again someday (and I do mean L-O-V-E it!).  Add to that list my physical goals and desires, paramount being to run a marathon, maybe even ten or twelve and get to the point that I can actually compete in them and maybe even qualify for the Boston Marathon.  I would also love to run a Community Service/Community Action Youth Program someday, perhaps even putting into motion the program outline I began writing for a non-profit organization in Washington, D.C. before I gave it all up to get married to the man of my dreams.

Among my many wonderful memories that I have gathered in my mind's treasure box through the years is a memory of a three-year-old girl named Kathleen.  Kathleen was the oldest of three girls.  I used to babysit her and her sisters while her parents went to the temple.  I was amazed at how smart and on top of things she was!  She was a mini-me of her mother, and if her sisters hadn't learned lessons and life routines on their own yet, she filled in and often reminded them with things like, "No, Shara, remember Mommy says we don't eat anything until after we say a prayer."  I remember watching and listening to this young three-going-on-twenty-something and having the strongest feeling of awe and reverence come over me.  I thought, "Heaven help this family if anything ever happened to their mother!  And heaven help the woman that tried to fill Lisa's shoes.  She is irreplaceable to them.  And her shoes cannot be filled by anyone else."  I knew it was true.  They might enjoy me for a while, laugh with me, play with me, read books with me, play the piano and sing with me, but I was not and never could be their mother.  And all the things I was doing with them -- well, I was just going through the motions of the foundation their mother had already laid, and laid so well that it could not be easily shaken.

Many times in my life I have feared being replaced, not being an irreplaceable in roles and situations that will forever be one of a kind and irreplaceable to ME.  I have a great fear of passing through this life like the main character in Wit - hardly noticed and completely alone, having lived a life that was full of chasing dreams and aspirations that are ultimately no more meaningful than a name on a plaque or engraved in a cement bench in an empty park.  Before I got married, I even saw myself in Julia Roberts' role in Mona Lisa Smile - the successful, intelligent, innovative, passionate woman who was moving so quickly to accomplish and fulfill her own dreams that she missed out on relationships - chasing a dream that never left her with roots and branches. I am a friend who prizes sincerity first, last, and always.  I try not to say things I don't mean to merely flatter or feel good myself for having said it, intervened, been a "good" friend.  I try very hard to leave no message or phone call unanswered, unreturned. Most of this is because I want people to know they are important to me, and I hope to get the same reciprocity from my friends to know that I matter to them. 

This afternoon I put a movie on for Abby and Isaac to watch while I went in the kitchen and made pizza crust for our dinner "party" we had tonight with their old nursery teacher from church and her daughters.  As I turned to walk out of the room, Abby looked at me and said, patting to the sofa cushion next to her, "Mommy, sit by you?"  I told her just a minute, planning to quickly make the dough and then go sit by her while it rose for 15-20 minutes.  But it just so happened that I never did stop until long after the dough was made, dinner was served and finished, the company left, and my kids were in bed.  And here I sit with the memory of Kathleen and the sweet pleading eyes of Abby etched on my mind.

In her, I finally have my totally irreplaceable role!  No one else (hopefully) will ever be her mommy! And I know there are so many moments in each day when I can do better to make sure that she is getting the most out of me, that the unshakable foundation only I can give her is firmly in place!

Prayer of the Children

Can you hear the prayer of the children on bended knee, in the shadow of an unknown room? Empty eyes with no more tears to cry turning heavenward toward the light.
Last night the kids were so moody and wound up that we decided, after a lot of attempts to get them settled down, some yelling and spanking for them not listening, some time-outs, etc., etc., etc. - to split them up and have one-on-one prayer with them.  Isaac and David had banged heads a little more than he and I had, so I took a broken-hearted and overtired Isaac into his room to have prayer while Daddy got a hyper-active, bouncing off the walls Abby.

When we entered his room, he immediately knelt down on the floor.  I followed suit.  He climbed up on my lap for a minute, and I gave him a hug, and then he knelt down in front of me and said,

"Dear Heavenly Father - thank oo this day, please bless Isaac, no more spankins, in the name of Jesus Kist - Awmen."

It was all said very quietly, through a few leftover sobs.  I was speechless.  I didn't even say amen because I didn't know what to say.  His tired, tearful blue eyes looked up at me.  He climbed up on my lap and got another hug and then quickly knelt back down and said his normal prayer. 

During all of this, I hadn't said anything.  And I realized he probably noticed I didn't say amen and decided he hadn't said his prayer right and needed to say it again.  I softly said amen this time, not wanting to send the wrong message, and pulled him into a big hug and told him I had loved BOTH of his prayers and was very proud of him and that we had had a really hard night but we loved him very, VERY much. 

He got right into bed, and I went to find his cup of milk.  And paused en route to tell his daddy what he had just prayed.  Then Daddy took a minute to go in and talk to his tender-hearted little boy.  He left Isaac laughing, smiling, and Isaac returned David's "I love you" with "Yuv you" - which has become less common as an immediate response lately.

Can you hear the prayers of the children?  They're walking through the shadows of so many unknown rooms, trying to figure out what it's all about, what their boundaries are, what their voices are, what they can do and what it's okay to feel and when it's okay to just say now or no or enough or "I no want it" or stop or help or "please bless Isaac, no more spankins."

I was amazed and so thankful that my little two-year-old has already learned the concept of prayer and asking for what is in your heart.  Because I know from so many experiences that THAT is what will get him out of those shadows.  That THAT is what will put him in tune with the LIGHT that he will need in unknown rooms my crazy imagination hasn't even visualized.  And I know that he has just reminded ME of this fact because sometimes I forget.

And I know we make so many mistakes along the way with him - with both of them - with each other, even.  But I guess that's what walking through and kneeling in unknown shadows is all about - learning, gaining enlightenment, coming to know -- know our limitations, know our strengths; know our hearts, know our way, know when to crawl, when to walk, and when to stop and kneel; know how to rise and walk and apologize and laugh and love and sleep and wake and try again -- another day.

And all this speechless mommy can say to this whole experience is: Amen, Isaac!  Amen.

Improve the Shining Moments

Abby woke up at midnight, screaming and crying like she was in immense pain.  I watched her, trying to figure out what was going on as she writhed around from the left to the right, onto her stomach, onto her back.  Then I noticed that she was bending her leg back and forth and holding it and letting it go every time she moved into a new position.  I grabbed some Pain-a-Trate to put on it and explained I was going to put some medicine on her leg to help it feel better.  She started to SCREAM and cry like, "No - don't touch my leg, Mommy!  Don't touch my leg!"  I finally held it down and got the cream on, and then she realized that it was helping and it was okay.  But she kept crying.  I asked if she needed some more medicine and she said yeah through her sobs.  Then I went to get some ice and she screamed at me for leaving.  I finally picked her up and carried her in to lay with Grandma while I looked at her leg in the light to see how bad it was. 

She had a pretty intense bruise -- I'm pretty sure she got her leg wedged between two spokes in her toddler bed.  And we got her settled down fairly quickly with some ice on her leg and some tylenol.  But she still wanted Mommy to go and lay her down in her bed; she didn't want to lay on the sofa and cuddle with Grandma.

I laid her down and sang her some songs.  When I sang "I Love to See the Temple" to her, her eyes lit up, litterally sparkled, and she began to sing along with me.  And, dear friends, I truly cannot capture in words the magic of that moment.  It was like we connected, spirit to spirit.  And with all of the ups and downs and ins and outs and changes and adjustments that have happened in the last six months, it was a moment I realized I used to have quite often and have since really missed.  Abby and I were so close that I was sad to find I was having another little girl instead of a boy because Abby was my little girl.  And I have felt a distancing from my independent toddler who wants to do everything herself and seldom accepts or acknowledges a need for Mommy's help.  In fact, when I try to help her, she usually pitches a fit and pushes me away. 

And in that moment in her room, her eyes lit up and our spirits speaking to each other, she was my little Abby girl and I was her Mommy.  And I cried.  I told her to close her eyes and go to sleep, and she immediately complied.  And I knelt there beside her and held her little hand and tried through choked-up tears to hum the temple song to her one more time.  Mostly because I wasn't ready to let that moment go.

Carpe diem, my friends!  Seize the day!  Improve the shining moments - don't let them pass you by!

I was thinking as I drifted off to sleep about the fact that there are only three months left to the year.  And I thought of a few things I can do, a few goals in small doses that I could accomplish, between now and then to finish this year with a BANG!!!  Because of my Mommy 15 blog, I usually think of things in doses of 15 -- like 15 minutes or 15 days or whatever.  And I determined that I need to find a way to have 15 minutes each day of quality, one-on-one, spirit connecting with spirit time with each of my children.  I need to take control and MAKE that a reality in our lives.  And I think they need me to do that as well.  And 15 minutes isn't much, right?  Espeically if I can get Dave in on it and set aside thirty minutes when we each take 15 minutes with each child to celebrate and relax and connect with them without the daily grind struggles and power struggles and messes and stress that sometime cut into our ability to see and feel each other.

Improve the shining moments!  Don't let them pass you by!

Dark Clouds with Silver Linings

I realize that my blog update a few days ago was a bit negative.  I would apologize, but I'm kind of coming to realize that bad days or bad seasons are what they are.  They are part of this life experience that make it what it is.  And though there are silver linings to dark clouds, the silver wouldn't shine through without the contrast of the darkness of the cloud.  Sometimes you can be depressed without being clinical and you can have a bad day without being cynical. ;-D

That said, throughout all of this, I was constantly reminded to see the positive by my dear husband.  He's amazing at always seeing the positive.  Even as he has been in bed, taking every drug possible, completely exhausted, locked away from the kids, and totally out of the first week of Brianna's life and all the tiny little moments that I am so blessed to experience, he still says, "In all honesty, Melinda, this week hasn't been that bad.  I've been able to keep going to work, we have an extra room where I can go to stay away from the baby and the twins, and your mom is here to help fill in the gaps.  So really, we've been blessed!"

And we have.  So here are some silver linings I've noticed and sought to see along the way (and by silver linings I mean Heavenly Father's hand and tender mercies gifted directly to us in packages of all shapes and sizes):

1) If Dave's fever hadn't broken the first time, he wouldn't have been there for Brianna's birth.  Which might not have been a bad thing, you might say, since it would have kept her from being exposed to whatever he has.  HOWEVER, that's another silver lining because I am sure Heavenly Father surrounded her with angels to protect her from this mystery flu and allow him to at least be there for her birth and the first hours of her life.

2) If the hospital stay had been more pleasant and Abby hadn't broken out from the allergic reactions to her medicine, my husband would not have taken her to Quick Care that night and have put off yet again going to the doctor to get help for his symptoms because -- let's face it -- who wants to go and sit for hours and hours at "Quick Care" after one long day at work and before another?  NO ONE!  So thankfully, I was inspired to get out of there; Abby was broken out and needed someone to take her in; and Dave had no way to avoid getting to the doctor.  Sure, it was inconclusive, but it was also a starting point.

3) If Brianna hadn't been jaundicey, I wouldn't have had a quick follow-up the next day and wouldn't have talked to the doctor who told me there was no way Dave had strep throat while on antibiotics.  And now that doctor is overseeing and ordering all of the other tests to try and find out what Dave DOES have.

4) If Abby hadn't had a SECOND allergic reaction to the benedryl for her FIRST allergic reaction, we wouldn't have been in to see the doctor and wouldn't have found her double ear infection or strep throat.  Then we wouldn't have gotten Isaac in there to be diagnosed either.  AND, to top off those tender mercies, the doctor was good enough to give my mom sample antibiotics to get her through all of this because she has medical conditions that would have made it REALLY bad for her to have gotten the strep throat (like hospitalization bad).  And with Idaho Medicare as her primary insurance, she couldn't see or be treated by a doctor in California.  She can only go in Idaho.  So it was an amazing blessing that she was able to get the medicine she needed to avoid and/or work through all of this crazy sickness stuff that was hitting the kids.  AND . . .

5) My mom having antibiotics made it possible for her to take care of the kids worry-free while I kept my little Brianna away from them until they had been on medicine long enough to not be contagious anymore.  Had she not been "treated" and/or had she gotten the strep infection, I would have had to find a way to keep Brianna at a distance while taking care of FOUR sickleys.

6) Brianna has been the best, best, best baby EVER!!!  Yes, she has the cold.  And no, it's never fun for a newborn to have to deal with all that cruddy flu stuff when they're still trying to figure out this mortal body of theirs and how it feels and works and what not.  HOWEVER, she didn't get all the symptoms.  She's been protected (from breastfeeding or angels or a combination of both) to not get anything else that's flying around in this house.  And she has handled it really, really well.

7) My delivery could not have gone smoother.  Events and circumstances surrounding the delivery definitely could have.  But the delivery itself was everything I had been praying for for the entire pregnancy.  I had very little internal tearing; once she came, she just came; I didn't have to have a c-section or anything else; and even the post-pregnancy pain has been very bearable in comparison to what I experienced last time and could have experienced this time.  The only thing I feel I have to watch is doing too much -- picking up the twins or whatever.  And that is SUCH a HUGE blessing!!!

8) Modern medicine!!!  I mean, they have the initial strep test and the lab where they send the swab away to make sure they diagnosed it correctly.  They can draw your blood and run tests for any number of diseases and have answers within hours or a few days.  Truly a blessing!

9) Abby and Isaac!!!  I was worried about them waking up and not being around.  But I went into the hospital after we put them to bed and we had a baby about an hour before they woke up, so they were able to come and spend the first hour of her life with us in the hospital!!!  The timing could not have been more perfect!!!  And they have love love loved her!  Tonight as we drove back from a small road trip to look at potential places to live, Abby held Brianna's hand for the entire last leg of the trip and sat back there saying, "Shhhhh, baby -- it's okay!"  And Isaac is the first to run and tell me if she's crying and always says, "What wrong Anna?  Why cwying, Anna?  You hungee?  Huh?"  They have had a hard road with a new baby, Mommy being locked up in the bedroom with her so many hours of the day, Daddy being locked up in the office so much they forget he's around, etc.  But they have done really, really well with it all.  They are such a blessing to each other and to this new little baby -- not to mention to me!!!

10) My mom, my mom, my mom!  I can't say enough thanks for all she has done and the way things lined up for her to be here through all of this!  It hasn't been the tranisition time she or I had planned on, but it has been so nice to not be alone through all of it, to be able to rest and to take care of Brianna without worrying about the twins.  It's been nice to not be alone and to have someone to talk to and laugh with and even eat all that junk I'm not supposed to be eating right now with.  She has been an angel, a true Godsend!!! 

11) You know how they say that you don't appreciate something until you've lost it.  I love love love and appreciate David so much!!!  I miss being with him, laughing with him, talking with him, having him hold me while we make dinner and the kids run around or wrestling with the kids to see who gets to sit next to him right after he's come home from work.  I miss holding hands when we pray or laying my head on his shoulder while we read scriptures at night.  I miss him having energy to do things and being able to talk to him without him being so exhausted that it's never a good time.  I miss watching movies with him at night because he's always too tired to stay awake through them, even on the weekends.  Just so many things that have been gone for so long but have REALLY been completely gone this last week. 

12) The sun before the storm.  In the Triage, I was doing "labor lunges" - I got them from one of my workout videos.  He thought it was HILARIOUS and took a picture of his "hard core wife."  And we had so much fun playing Quiddler and talking and laughing and arguing about whether or not I was going to get the epidural.  And I'm thankful for those small moments before everything else hit.  And I'm looking forward to having them again VERY SOON!!!!

13) My sister Monique.  She has held the fort taking care of my 94-year-old grandma, two five-year-old cousins that don't always see eye to eye, a buddingly independent two-year-old, and a 10-month-old baby.  NEED I SAY MORE about what a HUGE blessing it has been for her to take on such a HUGE load to allow my mom to be with me. 

It's late!  That's all I can think of/remember tonight!  But if I think of something else, I'll add it to the list!

And doesn't that gray cloud look so much prettier somehow with all of that beautiful silver surrounding it?  I sure think so! ;-D

Run, Forrest, RUN!!!

Okay, so I've been participating in this month-long celebration of the family, which most days has really helped my attitude about my kids and my home and being a mother and a wife and everything.  In fact, I have really enjoyed it and felt uplifted and strengthened and excited about so many things!  And I've found myself researching and seeking answers and inspiration more and more, which I LOVE and miss about myself!  But today . . .

I wanted to run away and never look back!!!

I was snapping at my kids for things like them screaming at me that they just saw a fly . . . or an airplane . . . for the umpteenth time!  I mean, I can get excited with them for a while, but other than getting excited and saying, "You saw an airplane?" "Yeah!" "Wow!  That is SO COOL!" fifteen times before they stop TELLING me that they saw an AIRPLANE (or heard one, in our case, and then dashed to any window to try to spot it) is about all I can do.  I don't know what else to say!  But apparently I'm not giving them the right answer, cuz they just keep telling me over and over again . . . each time getting louder and louder, as if my lack of a correct response somehow means I didn't HEAR them correctly. (But maybe all it means is that they are enjoying having my undivided attention and riding it out for as long as they can!)

And Dear Abby does NOT take well to hearing the word no.  Again, I think she assumes that if I say no, particularly after she says, "May I please . . . ," then I must NOT have heard her or understood her.  Because no is not an acceptable response. EVER.  Like today when I was making grilled cheese sandwiches, using the LAST of the cheese, and she kept asking for a piece of cheese.

Abby: I ont cheese.
Me: I know, Abby.  And I'm making you a cheese sandwich AS WE SPEAK.  So just be patient for a minute, okay?
Abby: (looking confused, like, "Did she just actually deny me some cheese when she has it RIGHT there in her hands?) I ont cheese.
Me: Abby.  I know you want some cheese.  I'm making you a cheese sandwich RIGHT NOW, so just wait a minute.
Abby: (Starting to throw a temper tantrum and sobbing like it's the end of the world.) May . . . I . . . please . . . ave . . . some . . . cheese!
Me: Abby.  I KNOW you want some cheese, but if I give you some, I won't have enough to make you and Isaac a sandwich for lunch.
Abby: (screams at the top of her lungs at this point) I ont some cheese!!!!
Me: Abby.  Get it together.  Stop throwing a fit or go to your room until you are done.
(fit continues)
Okay, Ab -- go to your room until you are done.  I'm not listening to you throw a fit like that.  That is NOT how you get something that you want.
Abby: NO!  I ont cheese!
Me: Abigail . . . . go to your room until you can pull it together.
(I move towards her to help her get to her room.)
Abby: I pull together (and she even did stop crying for a minute).
Me: Thank you.  (I continue making the cheese sandwich.)
Abby: (starts screaming AGAIN) I ont cheese!!!!!

I think I finally distracted her with a banana.  I mean, I probably should have thought of that earlier because she was OBVIOUSLY hungry, but at the time I was just trying to make the sandwich as quickly as possible so it could cool and she could eat it and not be hungry.  So . . . .


And Isaac woke up early . . . both from his night's sleep and from his late-afternoon nap . . . and dutifully woke Abby up in turn.  Which meant I had two un-rested toddlers on my hands from 7:30 this morning on.  Which ultimately means books and movies and children's songs, a walk, a long drive in the car, or just facing the CONSTANT meltdowns.  Or sometimes all of the above . . . three or four times.  After hours of it, we finally opted for a long drive in the car!   At 4:30 in the afternoon because Dave had a late day at work and wasn't coming home at his usual time, and I had HAD it!!!

When he called and hung up and I called him back because I was SERIOUSLY DYING, even in the air-conditioned car with the twins securely tucked away in their seats and the radio playing whatever song I wanted to stop it on, he reminded me he had just gotten to the dentist for his appt. (which I had forgotten about).  I literally cried for like three miles!  Cuz I knew he also had an activity tonight with our young men's group, and that meant he wouldn't be home AT ALL until after 9:00.  And I was on my own all. night. long.  And at that point, I didn't even want to go back home.  If Abby hadn't said, "Mommy - I hungee!  I ont PIZZA!" when we drove by a fast-food place, I don't know how long I would have gone before I went back!  I mean, for some reason we were spotting a LOT of planes on those desert roads and freeways.  And that NEVER gets old for a two-year-old!


So I know I'm blessed to be a mom.  I know I'm going to look back on these days and LONG for them.  I know this is a terrific time of learning and development in their lives.  I know my role is divine and that I should love, love, love and treasure every second of it.  I know they are learning from me to keep their cool or lose it (like I did, quite a few times today).  And I know that movies and television are horrible babysitters.

And today . . . all of that went right out the window!  All I wanted was to ditch the pregnant belly, go back to December 2007, don my best tennis shoes, and RUN FOR MY LIFE!!!!!

There was this song that came on the radio while we were driving, looking at airplanes, and sobbing for miles.  "At last my love has come along.  My lonely days are over.  And life is like a song."  I thought, "Right.  My lonely days began after I found 'my love'; and I have yet to hear a song that really covers it!  Apparently she didn't know about school and work and kids and callings."

And then I thought about it some more.  And I thought, "Or maybe she did."

Maybe she knew all about it and that the hard days -- even seasons that might last a few years -- come to pass.  They are not going to last forever.  They probably won't influence the big picture nearly as much as you think they will.  You'll remember that they happened, but in the face of whatever you are currently (in the future) experiencing and enjoying, they won't seem like much.  And you will realize that even when you didn't physically get to have time together as much as you would have liked, even when you felt like the sum total of your value in life was to make sure that everyone else gets to have and do and become what they want at the expense of all the things you really want at that moment -- you were never alone because you ALWAYS had each other.  And there were enough moments where you got what you needed that you could keep going until the hard times came to pass.  And your children just added even more to that.  And their days -- good and bad -- came to pass as well, and they didn't even remember you snapped at them when they couldn't get over the airplane . . . or fly . . . or flying bug that you trapped in a bowl and finally put in the garage to die in peace (or at least give you peace in the process).  They'll just remember that you were there and that, at the end of the day, they felt secure and loved.  And they got to play in the bathtub with their toys for as long as they wanted!  And they'll even think that bathtime and our one-on-one dinner and bed times were to SPOIL them and not just mom's only solution to sanely get through the evening! ;-D

Cuz love and kids both have that one thing in common -- they're both forgiving and optimistic like that.

And tonight I started to research dates and courses for near-by half-marathons.  Just trying to get back to something that I REALLY WANT and NEED!

Icing on the Cake

Would you like some ROLL with that FROSTING?

So I know I am probably crazy, but I have this thing with cinnamon rolls.  See, I have been disappointed by almost EVERY store-bought cinnamon roll I have ever eaten (and even some homemade ones).  Why?  It just seems like they pack on OODLES and OODLES of frosting.  Not that I'm not a fan of frosting, but it always seems to me that a cinnamon roll that can't stand on its own feet . . . that needs frosting in order to taste good (and TONS of frosting at that) . . . is just not a cinnamon roll worth eating.

The same goes for ketchup.  I mean, if whatever you are eating needs KETCHUP smothered all over it in order to TASTE good, you aren't eating a good piece of (fill in the blank).  Like a hamburger, french fries, eggs, the list goes on.

Things like frosting and ketchup (which I really could live without and never miss for even one day) are SUPPOSED to be the "icing on the cake" that ENHANCES the goodness of what is already there; not the frosting on the cinnamon rolls that HIDES what the rolls themselves are lacking.

And tonight, I kind of think that this principle applies to a LOT of things.  I'm thinking about some legislation right now that probably shouldn't have passed and was covered by WAY TOO MUCH frosting; but I might just as soon be thinking about employment, relationships, activities, education, and any other number of things.

If it's lacking in substance . . . no amount of frosting is going to change that.

You can't fix a broken marriage by spending a lot of money on expensive gifts, trips, toys, etc.  It's just empty calories going into a malnourished situation.

I was also thinking about this in terms of dating.  Mostly post-marriage. (Cuz who hasn't heard enough about dating PRE-marriage . . . or more than enough sometimes? ;-D)  Maybe even particularly for people who have been married for 10 or 15 or 30 or 50 years. (Cuz again, we all get the advice to date as newlyweds and new parents; but what happens to dating for empty- or almost-empty-nesters?)

If you want to have a happy and successful marriage, one that will more than stand the test of time (but actually EXCEL in it) and all eternity, you can't fill it with a bunch of frosting.  It's going to get old.  It's going to leave you empty and craving and longing for something more.  It's going to leave you disappointed and wishing you hadn't even taken that first bite that left you just HAVING to eat more and more, TRYING to get some sort of satisfaction out of it, but ultimately feeling DISAPPOINTED, discouraged, EMPTY.

Some advice I've been thinking about (mostly that I received or heard others receive at SOME point in my life) to avoid the frosting trap and instead have an amazing cake with JUST the right amount of ENHANCING icing:

1) NEVER stop dating!  Yes, you -- you who are in your 50s and your kids are gone and you spend a lot of time on the road being grandma or throwing yourself into work and hobbies, rarely coming together with your spouse for more than a movie or dinner in a restaurant.  Yes, YOU -- you who have been married for five years and gotten so stuck in the daily grind and living on a budget that you don't even think about dating each other any more.  NEVER NEVER NEVER stop dating!  When Dave and I got married, our dear friend and Stake President counseled us to ALWAYS remember why we fell in love to begin with, what we did during that magical time, and to make sure we never lost it!!!  That is AMAZING advice (and talking about it/reminiscing sounds like a GREAT date-night idea to me!!!).

2) Think outside of the box.  I mean, how many times can you go out to dinner or see a movie (especially TODAY'S amazing media selection) without those days soon turning into LOTS AND LOTS of frosting?  Or maybe your movie night is a game night . . . and you play games all the time, so much so that it is normal, not special or a stretch in any way.  Remember when you first started dating and you used to get really creative about asking someone out on a date and/or responding when someone asked YOU on a date (maybe it's just an Idaho/Utah thing)?  Remember how much fun it was to plan and prepare every step of the way, all the time anticipating how much THE OTHER PERSON was going to enjoy it and get a KICK out of it?  Not to mention the fact that YOU ALREADY WERE!!!  Reading a book together or having a candlelight picnic in your living room or playing the Wii or doing a workout video together can all be REALLY fun and REALLY fulfilling activities IN THEIR TURN.  You just have to make sure they aren't the EVERY DAY things that you just CALL DATE NIGHT because they are typically labeled as "date ideas."

Dave's FAMOUS Chocolate Cake (a Curry Family SECRET Recipe)

3)  Cover your bases.  I was listening to a Christian radio station a few months ago, and the pastor/preacher was talking about unity in marriage.  He said that you have to make sure you maintain and fuel your marriage intellectually, physically, spiritually, and emotionally.  If you leave any ONE of those things out (legs on a table, you might say), your marriage will dwindle (your table is going to fall over).  So if you do a lot of the SAME things, look at the big picture of what you are trying to do and become together.  And re-envision what it will take to get there.  And cover ALL of your bases.  Read a book together.  Exercise together.  Cook together.  Talk about your eternal potential and how you are going to move towards achieving it THAT VERY WEEK.  Talk.  Laugh.  Play.  Love.  Learn how to recover your furniture and do a project together.  Go to the temple together once a month.  And don't leave anything out.  Cover your bases!  Bake a cake that could stand on its own because it has the PERFECT amount of all of the necessary ingredients (but will be oh so much better with a little bit of frosting)!

4) Just DO it!  Nike has it right!  In the end, you can talk about it, plan for it, prepare for it, complain about it, listen to talks on tape about it, slander your husband to your girlfriends for not doing it, etc.  But what it all comes down to is that you have to just DO it.  Just DATE!!!  Just make time!!!  Just make it happen!  Don't get caught up in the preparations and having to find a babysitter or plan something amazingly memorable and earth-shattering.  Sometimes the simplest moments of silliness and laughter leave the most PROFOUND effects.  No excuses!  You aren't too old!  It's not for your children and grandchildren.  You're not too poor.  You're not too distanced from each other.  You're not too busy.  You just need to MAKE IT HAPPEN!!!  Today!  This week!

5) Remember it's about YOU!  Date nights aren't a time to go over the family budget or talk about the problems Jimmy is having in school or Jaime is having with her girlfriends or you are having with work or the world-at-large is having with the world-at-large.  Date nights aren't a time to schedule your week's activities or pay bills or fold laundry.  That's all another topic for another time.  (Like try a weekly companionship inventory or family council.)  Date nights ARE for you and your spouse to reconnect, rebuild, re-romance and "woo," refocus on and celbrate each other, on being a couple, on being one, on being each others sweethearts, on having fun, on walking down the SAME road in the SAME direction at the SAME speed . . . and all while holding hands, of course!  Your relationship is strictly yours.  You aren't your parents (however good or bad their relationship may have been).  You aren't that couple whose relationship you really admire or that one whose relationship you count your blessings every day that you are not stuck in!  But depending on what you do together TODAY, you will probably be ONE of those tomorrow. :-)  So decide what you want to be, what kind of a cake you want, what kind of frosting, what decorations, etc. and BECOME what you want!  But just focus on the cake -- not the entire meal, appetizers to entree to dessert.

I have some ideas, if you're interested (not because I'm good at this but because I decided TODAY, after reading this post and this post, that I AM GOING TO BE . . . so my mind is RACING around this topic right now).

That's all I've got . . . so far, anyway . . . though I reserve the right to edit/update as I go along and learn and do and become in MY reality with MY husband! ;-D