The Way of a Child: Unconditional, Forgiving Love

I wrote yesterday about what a hit the shiny mylar balloons were that I got for Abby and Isaac.  To say they loved those balloons with heart and soul would be an understatement!  They played with, ran with, sat with, hit back and forth with, and ultimately slept with those balloons.  And they held them during every activity they did today.

Then this afternoon, Isaac and Abby took their balloons outside to play for the third time today.  They had been fighting non-stop for the hour and a half before they went out, so I was hoping the outdoor air would help cool them down (and me take a time out to get sane).  They were running around and the balloons got tangled, for the third time.  But this time, instead of slowing down and getting them untangled, Isaac pulled really hard and started running away from Abby with both balloons.  Well, Abby caught up and pulled her balloon back, and before I could intervene, Isaac's balloon snapped off the ribbon and was gone. 

Oh boy did he cry over that one!  Each tear got less and less consolable as we watched that blue star slowly drift up into the sky until it was out of sight.  As his crying bordered hysteria, I told him we couldn't get it back, that it was going up to heaven so Great Grandma could play the balloon game with kids in heaven.  Great Grandma was famous for playing the balloon game with Abby and Isaac each and every visit.  But Isaac kept crying!!! 

He pleaded with me to get it back, saying that we needed Daddy to get it in his airplane -- that he loved and needed that balloon and to please have daddy get it in his airplane.  And then he cried some more. 

Abby tried consoling him, repeating my explanation that it was gone up to heaven with Great Grandma.  But it didn't help.  Then suddenly she said, "Isaac?  You want my bawoon?" 

Isaac, pausing for a minute as if to assess if she was sincere, said, ". . . Yeah." 

"Okay Isaac - you can have my bawoon, but no yet go, no go up to Great Grandma.  Okay, Isaac?"  As soon as he got it, the little stinker said, "Oops," and let go of the balloon.  Fortunately, it still had the weight on the end of it.  Abby immediately grabbed it, saying, "No - no, Isaac!  No yet it go up be Great Grandma!"  Then she paused just a millisecond before saying, "You want it back, Isaac?"  Isaac said, "Yeah." 

Abby reached out to give it to him with the instructions, "Okay - but hold tight, Isaac - not want be up in sky, no want be go Great Grandma, okay?" 

And then they played together for the first time in two hours!!!  And by played together, I mean they weren't fighting and screaming and hitting, and slamming doors in each other's faces -- they were just playing together and enjoying it.

I was so proud that Abby let him play with her balloon when just moments before he had lost his balloon while trying to keep Abby's balloon from her!  And I was even more proud of her that even when he deliberately tried to throw her balloon up to the sky because if he couldn't have one, she didn't get one either, instead of getting mad and keeping the thing he wanted from him, she showed compassion for how hurt his feelings were and immediately offered it again with the same instructions that he care for it as much as she would if she were holding it to keep it from flying up in the sky to be with Great Grandma!

Man, adults could learn SO MUCH from children sometimes, couldn't they?  Unfortunately, those who need to hear it the most will read it with people who have wronged them in mind, while those who have wronged them are also reading it with the people who wronged them in mind.  But the true grown-up acts like a child, and instead of seeing corrections that need to be made in others, they simply see a need and react to fill that need. 

It was definitely wrong for Isaac to selfishly try to throw away Abby's balloon -- but I don't think I can put into words what a grown-up and compassionate reaction she returned to him in returning the very valuable possession he had just tried to ensure neither of them would ever play with again!

I'm proud of you, Ab!  I hope you will always have that wisdom and compassion and always turn the other cheek and give yourself and others an opportunity to repent, to forgive, to forget, and to be best friends instead of misunderstanding and misunderstood enemies!!!

Out of Reach and Within the Lines - The Ever-Developing Minds of Two-Year-Olds

Isaac and Abby LOVE their toy animals.  And by toy animals, I mean expensive figurines that Great-Grandma Larson just HAD to buy them for their birthday last year and even sent them home with more every time we visited.  This last trip home, after Great-Grandma Larson passed away, Grandma White bought them a set of baby animals.  And what used to be Isaac's thing (playing with them for hours on end) turned into Abby's thing.  She loves to match up the families and will even corral them in so they are all facing the center in a nice circle, huddled together for safety or company or whatever else her little mind makes up. 

For Christmas last year, Dave's brother bought them a horse lego set.  And man did Abby FALL IN LOVE with that set!  She cannot get enough of her Hu, Hu, Forseys (she has a hard time saying horsey, but we keep practicing - and she's getting better)!

So in the last few weeks, she has developed quite the fascination with the baby animal horse that is brown just like the "Mommy Forsey" from her Leggo set.  Problem: There is one brown colt from Great-Grandma Larson and one black colt from Grandma White.  And the Lego horsey is BROWN.  You see where I'm going here, right?  So she HAS to have the brown baby horsey to have a complete FAMILY of horses in the corral.  And that would be okay if the black colt weren't just a little bit bigger than the brown colt and, therefore, the ONLY acceptable baby horse for BOTH of the twins.  I have taken both colts away on more than one occasion because they couldn't stop fighting over them and would NOT take turns playing with the brown baby horsey.

Today Isaac innocently walked into the office where I was editing some pictures.  He handed me an almost empty wet wipe tub.  He said, "Mommy - please put up!" and pointed to the TOP of the bookcase.  I was confused.  I said, "You want me to put the wet wipe container up here?" and pointed to the top of the bookcase.  "Uh-huh. Yeah."  I took it from him and looked inside en route to the top shelf.  There I saw two wet wipes wrapped around and over one baby brown colt.  I was amused but still complied with his wishes to put the "empty" container up. 

As soon as I had it on top of the bookshelf and said, "There you go, Buddy!  It's up!" he got the most satisfied look on his face.  He looked toward the office door and said, "Mommy!  Now Abby no get horsey!" HA!  Wow the thought process that must have led up to that one!

And not to leave Abby out of today's post . . . . My little girl is growing up just as quickly and is so incredibly SMART right alongside her brother!!!  We went on a date last night - the first since our anniversary in December (except for the adult session of Stake Conference, which doesn't really count).  I laid out coloring books and the matching game and books to read and showed the babysitter their toys and plugged in the "broken" television in case she ran out of ideas.  They colored for a while, then played, then watched Dora and Diego.  And I noticed when I came home that the sitter had sat down and colored WITH them because a portion of the pages were very neatly filled in, within the lines of the images they were coloring.

Tonight as I made dinner, Abby sat at the table coloring.  When I went over to see how she was doing, I saw that she was very focused, coloring as carefully as she could in tiny little scribbles so she could stay WITHIN the lines!  And she did a fabulous job!  And I don't know why looking at and thinking of that beautiful coloring job has brought tears to my eyes all night long.  But it has!  It still is! I'll have to post a scan of it!  You would be proud, too!

And Brianna stood without holding onto anything for a few seconds and even took a few shuffles forward with the bus filled with blocks that Great-Grandma Larson got for the twins for their birthday last year. She'll be walking by the end of the month, mark my words!  That is one DETERMINED little girl!  I LOVE it!

Sheesh - all this talk of things from Great-Grandma Larson is making me wonder if they're going to have any presents to open next year now that she's gone!  I'll buy one from you, Grandma!  I'll wrap it and take a picture for you, too!  Thank you for doing such a FANTASTIC job of loving my children while you were alive!  I miss you!

Solo Play, Necklaces, and Overhead Lights

I've been a little MIA this week.  There have been a lot of things constantly pulling at my time.  I've been dreaming some big dreams and doing some intense research.  And that's usually good. ;-D  And I taught the lesson in church today -- on Honesty.  I learned a lot, reflected a lot, repented a lot (at least, I am working on that one), and have a new respect for what it means to have an honest heart and a new determination to have one.  I also realized, among other things, that I need to be more deliberate about making my children a priority and not treating them like they are in the way of me getting "things I need" done.  They are very much not in the way!  And I realized that I have too often been treating them like they are lately - or trying to find things for them to do to give me time to do "me" things.

Isaac and Abby have been going through some hard phases lately.  Abby is becoming so independent and so very into her little sister!  And Isaac has been left out quite a bit.  Sometimes he wakes up and immediately goes looking for Abby to play.  And Abby, instead of welcoming him, literally yells at him to go away and leave her to what she was doing.  Then a rejected Isaac comes to find Mommy.  This week he even took the phone with Grandma on the other end of it out on the trampoline and said, "Grandma!  We jumping trampoline, Grandma!"  Oh I almost stopped making breakfast right then to go and play with that little man!  I'm trying not to make too much out of it, though -- I'm sure it's just another phase!  And she is really cute with Brianna - getting down on the floor with her and laughing hysterically every time she gets in her face.  Or surrounding her with all the sofa pillows and putting a blanket on her to send her "night-night."

And don't forget the independent little girl who now wakes up and gets herself dressed before she leaves her room!  Not to worry - she also changes those same clothes a few times a day.  And it's a good thing her wardrobe is so well matched. Cuz she always goes for pink, pink, and pink! ;-D  It's her favorite color -- and Dave often remarks on how her bottoms and tops so often end up being pink on pink or changing to . . . pink on pink!  It's fun to see her so grown up!!!  Well, most of the time! :-)

Today in church, we were singing the opening song, Dave holding Brianna, Abby between us, Isaac on the other side of me.  Abby was holding the hymn book between she and I when she suddenly realized that Daddy didn't have a book.  She said, "Oh - " and quickly moved the book so that Daddy could see it, too. Then she sort of bowed her head, like she KNEW she had just done something really nice! Dave beamed and gave her a hug and told her thank you.  It was so thoughtful it made my heart smile.

An older lady - a lot like Great-Grandma Larson - sat on the other side of us and helped entertain the kids through Sacrament Meeting.  She had a pocket-sized folding mirror that she let them play with.  And she even gave Isaac her necklace from around her neck.  It made me cry - it was just the kind of thing Great Grandma Larson would have done.  And she would have laughed when they got really excited and screeched at the top of their lungs, "Look, Mommy!!!"  She would have even chuckled, her eyes dancing, when Abby turned off the lights when the Bishop was welcoming everyone.  I was totally caught off guard and took longer than the rest of the congregation to realize why the lights had just gone off and remedy the situation.  The Bishop said we were apparently ending a little early today.  "Granny" said that sounded good to her!

Isaac took that long necklace she had given him to play with and walked deliberately over to me, getting up on his tiptoes, placing it gently around my neck, and then lovingly running his hands down to the curve to straighten it out and tapping it.  "There go, Mommy!" he said, as he lovingly and sweetly looked at me like, "So pretty!"  I said, "Thank you, Isaac!"  He beamed back at me, "You welcome, Mommy!" and he gave me a big hug!  I told him to tell "Granny" thank you for sharing her necklace with him - I said, "Say thank you, Granny!"  Dave tapped her arm and said Isaac was trying to tell her thank you.  She said, "Oh. Thank you?"  Isaac said, "You welcome, Granny!"

And Brianna?  Well - Brianna hasn't said Ma-ma-ma-ma since last Sunday.  I guess that was her Mother's Day present to me!  But Miss Brianna did have to go to the doctor for a double ear infection that had kept us up at night for too many weeks.  And that means we found out that she is OFF THE CHARTS in height!!! 32 inches at 7 months!  And her weight is just above the 70th percentile - 18 pounds, 5.6 ounces.  We're so proud!!!

Is it any wonder why I love my kids?

Grandma, Tell Me 'Bout

I loved that song - Grandpa, tell me 'bout the good ol' days!  I'm standing in my grandma's kitchen, a picture of her in her good ol' and very young days staring back at me.  I went into her office tonight to borrow a few envelopes from her.  It's hard to cross the threshold into her world - because that is what those three rooms were: her entire world in an office, a bathroom, and a bedroom.  I looked at the pictures on the wall and wondered why she had them, where they came from, who had given them to her, why they meant enough to have a place on the walls of her sanctuary.  I thumbed through a few books on her desk - some very old titles, some more contemporary ones - and cried a bit as I thumbed through her old Book of Mormon.  I don't remember seeing her read that one for quite a while now - the print was much smaller than her larger Book of Mormon that laid on her bed or sometimes on her walker's tray and was read daily, no matter the time of day or night.  I found a few books that I had never heard of before but that obviously had some significance for her:

- All is Well: A book published in 1909.  In the front it says it is the fourth volume in the Primers of Peace "Don't Fret" Series. 
- On Your Way: A book published by Deseret Book Company in 1964 and addresses what the front cover calls, "the practical problems of leaving home, planning the way ahead, study, work, and living with others."
- Voice of Warning: A book by Parley P. Pratt that was written to help people discern between the voices of the world and the ways of the Lord as the tides of the times caused moral and spiritual things to wash away like sand and the Lord needed His people to be rocks on the shore that would not wash away.

You know, I don't know why she had these books on her computer stand, right in front of the chair she sat in day after day to do her needlework and make dolls or doll dresses or write birthday cards to each of the sisters in her church women's group as their birthdays rolled around.  I do not know who gave her these books and why she kept them.  I don't know if they belonged to her mother and were passed down to her or if they were gifts from friends or things she bought to give to her children.  I don't know how often she read them or what she gleaned from them each time she did.  And now, finding them today, I realized that I never will.  That chair is now empty.  Those books are now simply part of the estate to be dispursed as the executors see fit.  And they may be seen as just old books, maybe viewed as valuable because they are so old or as silly and garbage because they are so worn.  Not on purpose because the executors are frivolous or materialistic, but just because that is the way things go sometimes.  And no matter what they or I might think when we read them or see them, we will never know what she saw, what she felt, why she kept them there.  Were they in a predominant place so they could be remembered and found easily?  Or were they really stashed behind the sewing machine and mostly forgotten dust collectors?  I don't know.

I spent the better part of six months here in my grandma's house last year.  Half the year.  That's a long time.  She loved my children -- she gave them so much love and laughter and joy.  I ran across a note in her weight journal that talked about us coming one time and the twins walking in the door and running over and crawling up on her lap with Madison and her saying, "Let's have a party!"  I could just hear her say that and hear her laughter as I read it.  I could hear a lot of things as I remembered that day.  And then she wrote that she fell as she walked back down the hall to her room.  And my mom called the neighbor lady who was loading something in her car out front to come over and help me lift Grandma off the floor.  She wrote that it was a "Piece of cake."  I can hear her saying that with laughter to lighten what might have been a more perilous and serious situation at her age.  And we set her on her bed and went about our day - I think we might have even gotten food at Corona Village that night and brought it to her.  One of her favorite places to eat.

During the time I was here last year, my mom often told me she wanted me to sit and get Grandma to tell me stories about her life growing up.  And I would love to say I did it.  But I didn't.  I didn't.  I was too busy.  And whenever I would go in and stand in her room and talk to her for a few minutes, my ears and eyes were always half in the hallway and half in Grandma's room.  I know, I had two little tornadoes in a candy store of opportunities to discover and climb and break and turn inside out this entire house!  But I wish I had been a little more respectful of the fact that my grandma was old and was not going to be around forever and the day would come when I would want with everything inside of me to preserve and recreate for my children and their children who this wonderful woman was that gave me such a rich heritage!  I wish I had been a little less caught up in the moment and a little more wise to the context of time in the context of eternity.  But I wasn't.

And now all I can do is wish for each of us a little more conscious use of time and the fact that there is a beginning and an end for all of us that we cannot foresee or control.  It may be that today is all we have.  It may be that we have thousands of todays ahead of us.  And though it would be incredibly stupid and unhealthy to obsess over the fact that life has a beginning AND an end that we cannot determine the timing of, it would do us good to keep it in mind evey now and then.

And the other thing I have determined to do is to write down the memories that come to me of Grandma.  Because there are so many things she cannot tell me about from her life.  But there are things from my life that mixed with her life that I can leave for my children.  And then they will understand their rich heritage and the legacy they must continue to leave for generations to come.

Remember

I don't have a lot of time, but my heart is full and I want to write something.  I just got back from meeting with my cousins and aunt to dress and prepare my grandma's body for burial.  When I walked in and saw her laying there, I broke!  It't the first time I have seen here since coming - and as I reached down to touch her hand - it was so cold - hard and cold.  And very puffy for grandma's thin, veiny hands. 

I was missing her smile, missing her laughter, missing her warmth - I was missing her asking me where the twins are, saying, "Did you come alone?  Well, where are my babies?" and then adding, with the largest smile and fullest laugh, "There they are!  Haaaaiiiii!"  Now you know where Abby gets it! ;-D 

I was missing her seeing Brianna in my hands and immediately saying, "I get the baby - bring her here!" so she would be sure to beat my mom to her and let everyone in the room know that she had dibbs!  I missed the song she always sang -- it went like this, "A deedly-dee dee dee dee dy dee do . . . do du diddle dee dee dee diddle diddle dy dee do," and she sang it with a huge smile on her face and in her voice.  She bounced the babies on her lap as she sang it, and when she would get a smile, she would laugh and say, "There it is! I got one - I got a smile - there!  Can I get another one?  Here we go!  A deedly-dee . . . "  And she could play like that with them for 15 minutes before switching to a song that didn't take so much out of her to hold them up and bounce them on her lap.  So she would arm and leg dance with them while singing hyms - "There is Sunshine in my Soul Today" or "Count Your Many Blessings" or songs from her time like Skiddly-dnk a Dink a Dink, skilldy dink a doo . . . I love you!" among so many others.

I missed her laughter to tears -- or an occasional accident in her pants, which was also very, very common for her (but don't tell her I said so - shhhhhh!).  I was missing her calling me Mindy as she asked me to hand her something or help her put her shoes back on her feet or to get out of her chair, zip or tie closed the back of her dresses, help her curl her hair, and so much more! 

I missed her talking to me about books she has read lately or the latest remedy she read in Reader's Digest or one of the MANY spam mail catalogs she got in her mail and ATE UP as only a 94-year-old woman could (and the marketing company itself could bank on)! 

I missed her talking to me about her memories of Grandpa or growing up as a child with her parents. 

Yes, I even missed the daily updates on the lives of the neighbors, whose stories she could sometimes tell better than they could themselves.  She had a front-row-seat, after all, in front of her huge dining room and living room windows!  And more than one teenager was a little chagrined to find she had been watching intently to see when they snuck out and call and let their parents know they were gone!

Yes, in that moment I realized that I wasn't hearing or seeing any of those things.  It was starkly empty and void of Grandma's presence - laughter, singing, jokes, smiles, stories, experiences, shared knowledge.  And I cried at the shock - at the reality as it sank deep into my soul and landed almost with an echo in the silent void in my heart.

However, the spirit of the reason we were there soon filled it in a little.  I remembered again. 

I remembered that we have covenants that we have made with God and promises with those covenants that bind us together as a family. 

I remembered that she was not there - but she is not lost.  I know exactly where she is.  And I know more or less what she is doing.  I don't hope it - I know it!  I know her spirit has left her body and her soul is separated for a time.  But I know that spirit has joined the spirits of those she loves and has loved so dearly and that it is very busy enjoying those acquaintances and catching up on lost time and laughing, embracing, visiting, singing, bouncing, perhaps even dancing with her spirit's legs instead of her body's hands that she used to use to compensate for her body's feeble, aging legs.

And I know that the day will come when her beautiful body will be rejoined with her infinitely more beautiful spirit - her soul will be whole once again, and I will have an opportunity to hug her again and not feel stone - to hold her hand and not feel ice.  I will get to see her hold and love and adore and cherish my children again with those same warm hands one day.  I will hear her voice join there's in the most beautiful duets, filled with music and laughter and smiles!  And I will hear and see her kneel and pray with them and tell them goodnight and that she loves them!

How grateful beyond words I am today that my heart has been able to take so many wonderful pictures with Gandma that I can draw on at any time to remember and feel her. How grateful I am that I know that my Redeemer lives and because of that so will she . . . so will I . . . so will my grandpa and all the rest of the people I have ever witnessed pass on ahead of me to the next life.  We will live again through the atonement and resurrection of Jesus Christ.  And we will live again together through the covenants we have been able to make because of the restoration of the Gospel of Jesus Christ in these latter days of the world.

And last of all I was reminded of my stewardship in having known and interracted so much, so often with this wonderful woman: I have an added responsibility to my children to help their hearts remember the pictures they have taken in the moments I have witnessed, and the ones that I have not.  It's my job to bring it out and help them see and feel and remember as much, as often as I can.  And I will, Grandma -- I will!  They may not remember you as they are now, but I will make sure that they never forget what it was that you gave them to remember: your love!

I love you - I love you!  I'm sorry!  And thank you!