In the Still of the Night

It has been such a long - LONG - time since I wrote anything.  It all started with my mom, sister, and niece being here from Idaho! 

We went to the San Diego Zoo's Safari Park, an island near San Diego (Carlsbad?  I'll have to check - it was definitely unforgettable and worth recording), and Disneyland to celebrate the twins' THIRD birthday BEFORE they were actually three and we had to pay to celebrate it there with them. (Incidentally - if you ever go, check Craigslist for tickets!  We got two adult Park Hopper tickets for $100 - and an evening and night at Disneyland is TOTALLY worth $100. I mean, you'll pay $50 just for dinner for two at a fancy restaurant these days!!!  The parade and fireworks and night show on the lake, the Casey Junior ride with all the little model towns lit up, the night lights on the town and the gorgeous buildings -- all AMAZINGLY magical! And if you have a chance to go with someone who is handicapped, even better!  We got to go through a special line and rarely had to wait more than FIVE MINUTES for EVERY ride!  In fact, I don't think I'll ever go there again without my mom . . . . or I'll just rent a wheelchair and strap on my "boot" from my foot surgery and enjoy!  Just kidding . . . sort of! ;-D  But in all seriousness, hats off to Disneyland because it was such great fun watching my mom RIDE THE RIDES with my kids -- and that is something she would have NEVER been able to do if we'd had to fight through traffic and crowds with her!)

We made these AWESOME Family Home Evening boards.  I'll have to post pictures later, but since I've wanted a Family Home Evening Board for the last THREE YEARS, it was that much greater to put our noses to the grindstone and our pedals to the medal to drive around for FOUR days, through FOUR towns until we got JUST the right accessories to do everything JUST the way we wanted it.  (Incidentally, since you might not know what an FHE Board is: think job chart where you rotate assignments, except it's for fun things -- song, scripture, prayer, activity, treat -- these are the things we include in our once a week family night that is just that - a NIGHT set aside for the family to have some quality, focused, fun-filled time together!)  And since I have my other sister for Christmas - she got an early Christmas present and now has one as well!

A few days after my family went home, Dave's family flew/drove down to have a long weekend with us as well.  And what was supposed to be another fun-filled weekend turned into an IMMENSE tender mercy and testimony of how aware God is of the SMALLEST DETAILS of our lives, preparing the way even before we know a way needs prepared!  Isaac was sick, so I kept he and Brianna home with me while Dave drove down to pick his sister up at the airport to drive over and meet his brother and sister-in-law for dinner.  His sister-in-law had been in Los Angeles for the month to spend time with her family while her husband - Anson - was finishing his tour in Afghanistan.  WHILE THEY WERE EATING DINNER WITH MINIE, she got a Facebook message that said, "I heard about Anson - I am so sorry!  Let me know if you need anything."  She had NOT heard about Anson.  And when she made calls, she was told that there was an accident but he was fine - just a few minor scrapes and bruises.  So they continued to have a fun-filled night.  But when they got back to Lancaster, his sister said that she just didn't have a good feeling about it.  At 6:00 the next morning, we got a call from their mom that Anson had been hit by a grenade and was in a coma, on his way to a hospital in Germany.  And that news began an intensely emotional roller coaster of a weekend that ended with Anson being flown from Germany to Bethesda, MD to the Naval Hospital there.  It has been a long row to hoe.  Most of Dave's family has flown back there to see him.  Dave and I couldn't afford to fly there with the kids, so we took some time and went and spent a few days with Dave's dad while we all waited to see what would happen with him.  It soon became clear that he would be in a coma for a long time and there would be complications, infections, blood transfusions, etc. along the way that would and continues to make it a difficult journey. 

And through it all what continues to shine through is our faith!  And knowing that from the beginning (incidentally, the accident happened almost EXACTLY at the moment that Dave was picking his sister up from the airport to go over and have dinner with Minie - and Dave's other sister had decided the NIGHT BEFORE to also fly down and spend the weekend with us), God was in the details!  Dave's family NEVER gets together!  NE-VER!  And Anson's family lives in Louisiana.  So to have five out of the seven kids accounted for when he was injured was pretty miraculous!  The support, the love, the coming together, the laughter over tears, the tears over tears, the prayers as we knelt together, the fasting together that Sunday morning, the last-minute flights and travel plans, the offers to take care of their children while Minie was with him, just EVERY SINGLE DETAIL and EVERY MOMENT OF FAITH AND HOPE AND LOVE were obvious love notes from a very aware and loving Heavenly Father to His children.  As was the incredible blessing of modern technology as we were able to spread the news quickly to so many people and begin immediately to receive added prayers and support and love from friends and strangers alike!  It has been a MOST humbling experience!

The twins turned THREE on Monday!  Since we had already spent a lot of money on Disneyland, we had a simple birthday party here.  We got a discounted cheesecake sampler and the cheap a la cheap strawberry ice cream from WalMart.  And we picked up Dora and Diego toothbrushes so they would have something to open!  They were so thrilled!!!!  Then their nursery teacher, Sister Black, came over and brought them magnetic trains and coloring packets.  Nursery leaders are the BEST!!! You'd think she plays with them for two hours every Sunday and knows what they like or something!  Isaac didn't put that train down!  They even snuck it into the bathtub that night (and I learned why they had been playing so contently for over an hour and a half)!  And he sleeps with it and would eat with it if toys were allowed at the table!  It was great, great fun!  And I am amazed and humbled that they are getting SO BIG, SO FAST!!!  Tonight Abby asked me what I was looking at.  When I told her I was looking for recipes, she said, "You're looking at recipes?  Oh.  That's cool."  And when Isaac tells me, "Mommy - please don't spank my bottom.  That not very nice!  That make me sad!"  I realize over and over how GROWN up my kids are!  It's been fast and furious, but I really would not change a moment!  And I pray every night that I get to enjoy a lifetime more with them!

Also on Monday, my nephew Jared, who has had seizures for years, went through some pretty intense testing to see if they can do surgery to stop the seizures.  The family took turns sitting with him - he couldn't be left alone for a single minute for like three days of testing - and in the end, we are hopeful they were able to get some good information and a better solution for him and his family is very near!!!  I am amazed at the strength of his family and thankful that my family always pulls together, however they can!

We went to Dave's work for family day the Friday before the twins' birthday.  It is the only day you are allowed past the security gates and locks.  We got to see really cool airplanes, including the one Dave has been involved in testing.  And they had a barbeque and shaved ice and a giant blown-up trampoline with an attached slide!  The kids LOVED it!  And Dave said they ordered the 108 degree weather just for us to appreciate what they go through out there in the desert where it is ALWAYS hotter than we get here . . . in the desert! Whatever!  I know he planned it just to have something to complain about and try to get me to feel sorry for him.  Total manipulation at it's worst! ;-D

And yesterday we took the kids to the fair!  They actually handled it pretty well when we told them we didn't have money for the taunting rides and souvenirs.  But they didn't handle it so well when we pulled them away from the animals in the animal barns!  Abby had a meltdown every time!  They LOVED the goats and sheep and chickens and turkeys and chicks and ducks and rabbits and -- oh the excitement when Abby saw a "MAMA!  Mommy, Mommy, it's a MAMA" (llama) in the petting zoo!  She would NOT leave its side for more than a few seconds before she was looking everywhere to find where it had walked away to!  And by not leave its side, I mean she literally had her hand on its side, patting it reassuringly as she moved wherever it did!  Brianna would whip around me from side to side, eyes and mouth wide open when an animal would walk past us or try to eat my clothes in search of food!  Though she was never sure enough to pet them more than a few pats, she was still incredibly intrigued!  Isaac was equally intrigued but demonstrated it differently.  Like when he pulled the already angry turkey's tail feathers just minutes after I had pulled him AWAY from the practically hissing bird.  Or when he walked right up to the potbelly pigs in the petting zoo, contently sleeping lazily on the side of the fence, and pushed them so hard they actually started to ROLL OVER before I snatched him back (and the roley poley animals rolled right back to their original places)!  I managed to keep his fingers out of the bird cages, but it was incredibly hard when the ducks encouraged him by quacking BACK when he quacked in their faces!  They both wanted to jump on the goats' backs and ride them -- I mean, who wouldn't?  That's what you do, right?  And I was certain we were going to have a few toddlers overboard in the fountain/wishing well!  Add in the sheep roundup with the sheep dogs and I think you can begin to imagine how much FUN our night at the fair was!

Tonight we played a game of Dora the Explorer's Candy Land.  Abby is great at games!  It is so much fun!  Isaac doesn't have the same zeal/attention span for it! But it's still really fun to actually be SITTING DOWN TOGETHER as a family and playing games!  We also have a little hummingbird that has popped up in the last few weeks and likes to fly in front of my kitchen window!  I'll have to see if I can find a reasonably-priced feeder to bring it back!  That would be a fun thing to watch with the kids every day.

In the meantime, Brianna is literally walking CIRCLES around everything and every room!  Seriously she is so proud that she can walk that every time we applaud her - still a bit surprised to see her everywhere and into everything - she gets a proud smile and starts walking in circles, like she's showing off on just how WELL she really IS doing!  She loves it!  And tonight she sat at the table with ALL of us for dinner - no tray between her and the family!  She is saying a few words very clearly, like when she calls for Daddy ("DA!") or shouts "HI!" as she waves to anyone lucky enough to be within range!  Of course she says "Ma-muh - Ma-muh!" and tonight even started saying, "Na-nuh" for night-night!  She has two front teeth and is incredibly adventurous!  And more than once we caught her dancing away on top of Dave's shoulders as we heard music while walking around the fair.  I've just started weaning her, and she loves to drink water from her cup (we're still working on milk -- the weaning from mom process has been a little hard for her, for both of us really as it has gone a lot more quickly than I intended because my milk took the first cue and headed south for the winter).  And she is really the sweetest little angel with the most amazing laugh and contagious smile!  She also sings a LOT!  The most recognizable is "E-I-E-I-O!"  And she LOVES to play with and around the kids.  Tonight Isaac was tackling her and pulling her and patting her head and even trying to ride her!  And through it all, she was as gleeful and giggly as could be!

As for Dave and I -- the other night he told me how much he has realized in the last few weeks that he REALLY WANTS TO DATE ME!  So I guess you could say we're doing pretty good! ;-D  With Brianna weaning from me and this sudden realization after three and a half years that we like each other enough to "date" - life is great! :-)

It is late, but I couldn't let another week go by without updating.  It has been a fast and furious few months.  But life is too short to let those moments go by as just moments!  And if anything were to happen to any of us, we would ALL treasure more than anything the fact that we have even these vague notes to go back to and learn and grow and remember!  And that is priceless!

And if you've stayed with me to the end of this update from the last few months, you get a gold medal!!!  Or at least a gold star of appreciation.  I mean, THAT is true friendship! :-)  And you can never have enough such friends!  Thank you!

Defining Moments

Yesterday at Sam's Club, the lady checking our basket as we left had buttons on her jacket with pictures of her little boy.  Curious George and his co-pilot, Curious Georgina quickly noticed and asked her, "What's that?" pointing to her buttons.  She told them it was her little boy playing baseball.  Then they pointed to the other button and said, "What's that?" and she explained it was the same boy playing soccer.  Then she said, "Except he just plays soccer now - he doesn't want to do baseball anymore.  And it's expensive, but gotta keep 'em active so they keep out of trouble.  No other way to raise kids these days."  I smiled, thanked her, the kids enthusiastically called and waved, "BYE!" as we left.  And it stuck with me.

Today as I drove home from getting food for the week, I heard an interview on a Christian radio station.  The gist of the conversation was on how to save your kids in today's world.  They talked about how things have changed, how sensuality has changed the focus of our society, even for young children.  They talked about how many kids and teens say they would rather die than be seen as uncool - or for girls (and I DO mean girls) as un-"sexy."  Mortality rates due to eating disorders have apparently risen; and parents teaching the biblical teaching of abstinence is seen as a thing of the past - an almost laughable thing of the past since most kids see anywhere with anyone at anytime as completely acceptable and normal.  And they talked about how the media has influenced and shaped this even more than a teen's peers.  IN FACT, the MEDIA has become this generation of teens' #1PEER GROUP. 

My mind jumped to a few other conversations:
1) A woman spoke to us about our church's family night and said that it was an IDEAL time to discuss difficult topics like sex, pornography, and drugs.  In fact, in one of their family night discussions, they spoke in detail about pornography: what it was, where it was found, why it was bad, what to do if they were ever confronted by it at school, on the computer, etc.  Their fifth-grader returned home later that week, running into the house and up to his mom and told her, slightly out of breath, "MOM!  Remember that P-word stuff we talked about in family night on Monday?  So-and-so brought a magazine to school today and showed me some, and I told him to put it away because I don't look at stuff like that."  A FIFTH grade boy.  That mother shared that perhaps the reason a teen is said to turn to and listen to his peers is not because those people are most important to him but because his parents throw him into those groups instead of making home and family their core group where they spend the majority of their time.  Parents register them for every activity on the planet, keeping them busy to keep them out of trouble but never register them for time with the family where they will REALLY learn about the things that will keep them out of trouble.  The radio talk show also addressed the fact that one of the first thing a parent who has a troubled teen in an emergency situation needs to do is schedule a date with that teen on a weekly basis -- not to lecture or discuss the emergency, just to hang out, connect, become friends, be together. Truly, the FAMILY, is central to God's plan to protect and support and sustain us in times when society will fail.

2) In church we had a lesson on Pornography.  A lady shared that her 12-year-old nephew had been introduced to it after a church activity by some members of his church group.  They had subsequently ALL become addicted and it was some time before their parents caught on to what was happening and were able to intervene.  I say intervene - because overcoming pornography is something that many of my friends can attest will take a LIFETIME of intervention and committed dedication.  And the scars it leaves on the wives and children stuck in the process will take at least that long to heal. I have realized many times that pornography doesn't just pop up for those seeking it or in chat rooms or grocery lines.  And the fact that PARENTS are addicted means that more CHILDREN become exposed.  And those children share.  And church groups and homes are not necessarily sanctuaries from these things.  We have to make a conscious effort to MAKE them sanctuaries but also be on top of KEEPING them sanctuaries by being involved in our kids lives and KNOWING what is going on, not just assuming that weekly church attendance and a picture of the prophet on the wall and christian hymns on the radio or ipod are going to secure our home is protected.

3) While I was at my mom's we were watching an episode of "The Doctors."  They were talking about sexually transmitted diseases and how they need to give condoms to THIRD GRADERS because of the number of instances of STD's - particularly life-long and incurable ones like HIV - that pop up in hospitals among those THIRD GRADE children.  They said parents need to pull their heads out and realize that this is a reality and go to bat for their kids by giving them condoms and education that will protect them from ruining their lives so young by contracting these STD's. 

4) My sister, who teaches Family and Consumer Sciences in a predominantly-Christian area, is forbidden from speaking about sex, sexuality, protection, etc. in all its forms.  Even to her high school students.  She presented a lesson plan which included her having her students make bookmarks of 101 ways to say I LOVE YOU without having sex.  She was told she could NOT teach something like that and would be written up if she dared.  She is teaching, after all, in a very Christian community; and the parents of her students do not feel comfortable with someone mentioning sex or teaching sex education in such a public arena.  Those same students laugh at her whenever she talks about dating do's and dont's and tell her that they are WAY beyond talking about kissing among their friends with "benefits."  And they make it clear that those benefits are NOT holding hands and kissing.  A few students have even come to her to ask her what they should do about an unplanned pregnancy because they can't tell their parents - they'll be shunned and thrown out of the house if their parents know.

So here I sit with two-year-olds, trying to put into words and a plan in my mind what to do with all of this information in a quickly-changing world whose morals, I am afraid, have spiraled downwards way more quickly than anyone foresaw.  I say anyone, but the youth pamphlet that my church puts out has addressed these things for years.  I'm thankful to be a part of a church community where there are resources - even though I am learning that this is DEFINITELY not going to be nearly enough!  But it is still nice to have watchmen on the towers!  And now it's up to me to not be ignorant and to be proactive about all of this.

Just DANCE -- Cuz EVERYTHING in life is SO GOOD!!!

So we're driving down the freeway on our way to meet Daddy for a picnic lunch under the B-52. (A new Friday tradition in our house that my kids just LOVE LOVE LOVE!!! And how many people can say they have picnics under a B-52? Granted, it's a retired B-52 in an outside museum, but it's still a B-52 with a stone picnic table under it's wing to provide shade from the desert sun, and THAT is just SO COOL -- ask my kids!  They BEG me to take them to see Daddy and the airplanes every time we talk about airplanes or that Daddy's at work! :-D)

Anyway -- redirect to freeway drive, center stage:

We're racing down the freeway, me in my sunglasses and pale yellow shirt, the kids in their favorite shirts and summer-time short shorts.  Our hair was being blown by the air conditioner, but we can pretend there was some windows-down coolness happening in our scenario as well! ;-D  I have one of my favorite CDs in the CD player (thank you, Emily) and come across one of my favorite songs, which is PERFECT for my life/mood lately.


And almost as soon as it comes on, Abby and Isaac BOTH start singing, "Bailar!" I look in the rear-view mirror to see them dancing away. And when it's over, they say, "Again?!?!?!!?" So I comply. Over and over again. Me just as happy as they are each and every time.

Sorry if you don't know Spanish, but here's the gist of the lyrics (my translation): Just DANCE, when everything is falling apart and you want to be somewhere else but just can't get there! Just DANCE, when everything is the same old same old and you're looking for a reason but just can't find one. Just DANCE when everything is looking down and you WANT to be better but just can't make it happen. Just DANCE when nothing really excites you more than anything else, and you just don't like what you see reflecting in the mirror! JUST DANCE . . . . You get the idea, right?

Here's the song's link.(Even if you don't speak Spanish, it's worth listening to -- you'll be up and "dancing" in no time! TRUST me!!!) And I HAVE, HAVE, HAVE to come back here and post the BEST video clip of my kids dancing and laughing and wrestling in the kitchen tonight while they waited for a VERY late dinner to finish cooking!  Kids GET how to DANCE!!!

And in the spirit of Spanish music, we found the coolest grocery store the other day. Walking through the Vallarta was like re-visiting a little piece of Latin America, one of my other true loves!!! We went for a weekly family night activity, going to buy cereal on sale, and we were just so "enamored" by it all that we walked around, and I reminisced about my mission (and all the DIFFERENCES between Chilean culture/food and Mexican culture/food). And Dave reminisced about his month-long trek through Mexico the summer before we got married. And we found their POSTRES!!! Desserts like I have NEVER seen in an American bakery but that were a dime a dozen in bakeries all over Chile. Remember how I feel about frosting on cinnamon rolls? I have, have, have to give theirs a try. I think I may have found a store-made cinnamon roll worth it's calories, with JUST the right amount of icing-on-the-cake frosting. HOWEVER, we're on a budget freeze right now so we just treated ourselves to two $.79 postres -- a bavarian cream empanada and this other thing that was like cake rolled in caramel and dipped in nuts. We were more than impressed. The kids loved it, and it's a definite MUST-DO-Family-Evening again. So simple, so rewarding, so fun!

And in the spirit of Jarabe de Palo and Latin America, I'm putting the music video for the other song on my CD that I just LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!!! Bonito. Beautiful. Basically, it's about how everything is just "beautiful" -- Everything about life is just so good!

I hope you dance . . . and I hope you smile at all the things that are going GREAT in your life!

Teach the Children

As I have continued to reflect on the small and simple things and how these things will affect my children, I was drawn to this statement from a talk given by Elder D. Todd Christopherson of the Quorum of the 12 Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

Our teaching [in our home] should draw upon our own faith and focus first and foremost on instilling faith in God in the rising generation. We must declare the essential need to keep the commandments of God and to walk uprightly before Him in soberness, or in other words, with reverence. Each must be persuaded that service and sacrifice for the well-being and happiness of others are far superior to making one’s own comfort and possessions the highest priority.

This requires more than an occasional reference to one or another gospel principle. There must be constant teaching, mostly by example. President Henry B. Eyring expressed the vision we strive to attain:

“The pure gospel of Jesus Christ must go down into the hearts of [our children] by the power of the Holy Ghost. It will not be enough for them to have had a spiritual witness of the truth and to want good things later. It will not be enough for them to hope for some future cleansing and strengthening. Our aim must be for them to become truly converted to the restored gospel of Jesus Christ while they are with us. . . .Then they will have gained a strength from what they are, not only from what they know. They will become disciples of Christ."

Elder David Bednar, also of the Quorum of the 12 Apostles, stated the following:
"May every spouse, every child, and every parent be blessed to communicate and receive love, to bear and be edified by strong testimony, and to become more consistent in the seemingly small things that matter so much. . . . In these important pursuits we will never be left alone. Our Heavenly Father and His Beloved Son live. They love us and know our circumstances, and They will help us to become more diligent and concerned at home."

So I have a few questions for you: 

1) How have you made the transition from single woman to wife and mother in terms of your personal spirituality?  What have you learned?  What do you do differently to ensure you still get the quality of study and preparation when you don't always have time for the quantity?  How do you keep yourself spiritually in shape even when your husband is rarely home to give you time or even if you have to stay at home with sick kids on Sunday (or many Sundays) or if you sit by yourself with your kids during Sacrament Meeting/church while your husband fulfills other assignments/duties?

2) What specific traditions do you have in place (not generalities like scripture study, prayer, family home evening -- I know all of those, but I'm wondering what you do WITH those things - or what you are trying to do, have done in the past, hope to someday do because you know someone else who does it, etc.) to teach and prepare your children to go to battle with the full armor of God?  How have you changed/incorporated new things at different ages and stages in your children's lives and development?  What have you learned through the process/tweaked with subsequent children?  What has worked best . . . and what hasn't worked, for that matter?  What have you included during holidays or Sabbath days (to teach reverence without snacks, for example) or whatever other days?

For myself, I am working to establish a habit of morning prayer, mealtime prayers, a weekly story from the Friend for Family Home Evening, and a nightly hymn/children's song and family prayer before bed. For now, Dave and I have a second FHE together to focus on the things we need in order to be a family, prepare our family, and work through our individual challenges.  One other thing we do differently for FHE with the babies is sing a few fun songs -- Popcorn Popping, Book of Mormon Stories, etc. -- that we wouldn't sing in our nightly bedtime songs but are still interactive to do with the kids and have fun together.  We rarely miss companionship prayer (morning and night) and scripture study (Conference Talks from the Ensign). There are moments when I have read from the Book of Mormon with my children, though not many and usually just a verse.  We also used to watch General Conference together every morning as prepared/they ate breakfast.  Then I started to reconsider multi-tasking mealtime and haven't found a time to put it back in yet. That's all I can think of off the top of my head.

PLEASE SHARE!!!!

Frames, Chalk, Magnets, Oh MY!

So I have been spending some time in the Idea Room as of late, and I am drawn to this weekly menu board.  I love the vintage look/functionality of it!

Problem: As I've been searching the internet for a metal frame I can use to create it myself, I am having a hard time knowing either a) what to call it to bring it up on a search or b) just plain finding something like this.  I think it's more problem a than b, in all honesty, but THAT'S OKAY . . . .

BECAUSE I found some instructions on how to turn any frame into a magnetic chalkboard (or on how to turn a space on a wall into a magnetic chalkboard).  Check out some other application ideas here. I also followed the Idea Room's link to a tutorial on making glass magnets.  So, what, you ask? Oh, friends, the possibilities are endless: job charts, message boards, family home evening charts, to-do lists, gratitude boards, a fun toy for my kids to play with (once they get out of the eating everything in their hands stage, of course), schedules, etc. And it can all have a classy, vintage look (instead of a cluttered list look) that will add to my home!  SO GREAT!  Now to start shopping for inexpensive wood frames.  First stop: Goodwill!

Okay - cute moment number . . . I forget: Dave just walked in the door and Abby started talking from her crib.  He went in and got her and was playing with her for a few minutes when Isaac woke up.  Her face lit up, and she looked down the hall and started talking.  So I asked her, "Do you hear Isaac down the hall?  Do you want to go get him?  Go tell him Peek-A-Boo."  She got the biggest grin on her face, got down off Dave's lap, and started crawling as fast as she could down the hall to our bedroom, giggling all the way.  Dave ran down in front of her and turned the door knob so she could push the door open.  She got there, giggled with glee, pushed the door open, and started talking to Isaac in her high-pitched, happy jibberish.  Somewhere in there she said, "Baaooo!" (Her way of saying BOO!).  Isaac, of course, also started to laugh.  We have a lot of laughter in our house.  It's so great!

No Other Success

I have been thinking a lot lately about President David O. McKay's quote that hung on the wall above our door frame at home for as long as I can remember: "No other success can compensate for failure in the home."

I don't think I can actually write all of the things that have been on my mind regarding this quote.  But I feel like I need to try because it has been weighing so heavily on my heart in the last month.

One of the things that has significantly impacted the direction of my thoughts is the many friends I have who have gotten a divorce in the last few years; some have even been apart now longer than they were married.  The reasons are all valid in their minds.  I have heard people say, "It's complicated." "We just fell out of love." "I just couldn't stand the thought of being with him/her for another day, let alone forever." "He/she really had it coming for a long time." "Our interests and life goals just weren't heading the same direction any more.  It was better to make a break and each do what we really want than to hold each other back and watch our love die anyway." "I don't know what happened - I didn't even see it coming.  One day he/she just came home and said it was over, he/she wanted out. What else could I do?" "The bishop said that we needed to nurture our love and make it grow again; but I told him that you had to have a seed to make a plant grow and you had to have a seed to make love grow, and we just didn't have a seed."  And at the core of each of these comments has GENERALLY (though not always) been the unexpressed attitude of "it isn't my fault; I'm the innocent victim and now I have to live with the consequences."

Let me first say that I am married to a man who is divorced, so I know that there are situations when divorce is essential for exaltation to be possible.  And even though I can truly say that the greatest pains of Dave's first marriage and the greatest reasons for his getting a divorce were NOT his fault, he has never said that he was blameless. Even so, after years of unhappiness and working and working and working at it to make it work and have a Celestial Marriage, he finally called it quits after a chain of events that included his spouse's excommunication, infidelity, and, finally, their divorce.  There are times when there is no other option, particularly in the case of infidelity in marriage. I can think of nothing, next to suicide itself, that is more selfish and harmful than infidelity - and nothing more EASY to engage in if you go looking for it, let your thoughts entertain it, allow yourself to be flattered by the idea of it, etc. I must also add that infidelity includes the thoughts and intents of the heart; pornography is one of the most destructively subtle, though indirect, forms of infidelity out there. Talk to the spouse of one who is married to someone addicted to pornography if you disagree with me on that. There is more to infidelity than the momentary act of actual sexual intercourse.

That moves me to my other thoughts.  I look at the reasons I have heard for many years from the people who got divorced, and I am appalled that so many good people would let Satan take from them the most important thing they could ever work for or achieve: Eternal Life and Exaltation.  I truly feel that God will approach the breaking of covenants at the final judgment as strictly as he did in the Old Testament when they placed the broken pieces of animals on the altar of sacrifice as a symbol of what would happen to them if they were to break their covenants with God. I fear that we sometimes take these things WAY too lightly, living in and partaking of popular ideas/notions that promote self-centered and often casual thinking about what you want and how you are going to get it NOW instead of looking at the seeds and plants in our lives, identifying the moments when they were planted and allowed to grow or - conversely - when they started to wither and were eventually pulled out and cast aside.

It is so easy to be sidetracked by school, by work, by friends, by media, by exercise, by bills and mortgages and debt, by individual hobbies and interests, by video games and movies and tv shows, by children, by activities, even by callings and service at times. It is SO. EASY. It is so easy to get together with friends and harp on or sarcastically laugh about the faults and weaknesses of your spouse, the things they do that drive you nuts, the selfishness, the thoughtlessness, the ignorance, the stupidity, the lack of time and effort, the oversight. It is SO. EASY.  It is so easy to get casual in weekly family home evenings, using the time to play a game or watch a movie -- week after week after week -- while never looking at the hard things and working to improve in ways that will help you move together towards Eternal Life. It is SO. EASY. It is so easy to do the same for weekly date nights, watching a movie or television show EVERY week, playing a board or card game EVERY week, maybe even alternating between the two, telling yourselves that there isn't any point in or ability to do anything else because you don't have any money, you have children, you are too busy or too tired to plan anything else, etc. It is SO. EASY.

It is so hard to make time each day to talk to your spouse, to play with your children, to let the dishes sit in the sink or the laundry remain unfolded in the basket and spend time reconnecting as individuals, couples, and a FAMILY. It is SO. HARD. It is so hard to put yourself in your spouse's shoes each day and see the work and exhaustion involved in each others daily grind and turn your thoughts to how you can ease your spouse's burden instead of all the ways your spouse doesn't seem to be easing YOURS. It is SO. HARD. It is so hard to look at the imperfections in yourself and spend time talking about and focusing on how to improve those to make you a better person, friend, spouse, parent, neighbor, missionary, disciple and look to your spouse for help and assistance in becoming better. It is SO. HARD.  It is so hard to not focus on the imperfections of your spouse and allow them to turn from a chip to a canyon in your marriage and instead focus on nurturing in yourself and others feelings of respect, love, fondness, and admiration for your spouse. It is SO. HARD. It is so hard to weekly evaluate where you are as a family, what your weaknesses are, what potential storms you should be preparing for before they come or house fires you should be putting out before they burn down the neighborhood and then FOCUS on and PREPARE for those things as a FAMILY in weekly Family Home Evenings (particularly when your children are young and attention spans are short). It is SO. HARD. It is so hard to plan and thoughtfully carry out a date night that allows you to both come together, talk together, learn together, laugh together, grow together. It is SO. HARD. It is so hard to stay awake just a few minutes longer when the day is through to read your scriptures and pray together as a couple. It is SO. HARD. It is so hard after wrestling to get through bedtime routines to wrestle a few moments more to get in prayer and scripture study with you resistant children. It is SO. HARD. It is so hard to face dishes, laundry, cleaning, picking up toys a hundred times, cleaning up messes a hundred times, finding distractions and engaging activities a hundred times, planning and preparing and creating healthy meals four or five times a day when you never get to sit down and enjoy just one by yourself or even sit as a family. It is SO. HARD. And it is so hard to feel empty inside, unfulfilled, unappreciated, and essentially invisible and turn down a much-desired job or hobby or activity for the good of your children and home and family. It is SO. HARD.

"And it came to pass that when Jesus had ended these sayings he said unto his disciples: Enter ye in at the strait gate; for strait is the gate, and narrow [HARD] is the way that leads to life, and few there be that find it; but wide is the gate, and broad [EASY] the way which leads to death, and many there be that travel therein, until the night cometh." 3 Nephi 27:33

That moves me to my next thought: How am I going to make sure that this doesn't become me? How am I going to make sure that the night never comes to settle on my soul, in my marriage, or in my home?

Short and simple: I am going to do HARD things in the STRENGTH OF THE LORD. I am going to remember who I am, that I am a daughter of God, surrounded by imperfect but immortal individuals, able to access the blessings of the Atonement of Jesus Christ for those things that I CAN help and those things that others do to ME that I cannot help. I am going to put first things first and not allow them to get lost in the WORLD, however tempting and/or taunting they may be. I am going to do HARD things until the hard path becomes easy and the EASY path disappears.  I am going to do HARD things, every day, in the STRENGTH OF THE LORD. I am going to KEEP the SACRED covenants I made with God and my spouse, covenants that embrace my children, EVERY DAY.

Salvation IS an individual matter.  Exaltation IS a family matter.  Nothing else matters more for the individual. And nothing else matters more for the family. NOTHING.

The Results are In . . .

SUCCESS! I am so excited about this that I just cannot stop thinking about it! Fantastic! Anyway, here's what we did tonight:

I decided to do a

"How to Have a Happy and Successful Marriage"

theme for Family Home Evening (note: in our Church, families are encouraged to have family night once a week where members of the family get together to just share time and enjoy each other with spiritual lessons and discussions, food, and fun activities - we call it Family Home Evening). I went to lds.org and researched that topic, looking for great talks and quotes I could use. Then I did a comparison between pizza and a happy marriage. Dave had NO idea I had bought these pans (did I mention he LOVES cast iron? Well, he LOVES cast iron). So it was a hit from the start. Here's the breakdown:

For a yummy pizza (happy and successful marriage), you need:
1) Skillet (casing): A complete living of the commandments of the Lord as outlined in the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

2) Dough (foundation): Jesus Christ

3) Meat (substance, sustaining ingredient): Temple Covenants

4) Pineapple: Intimacy and fidelity, including honesty, trust, respect, and tenderness between partners.

5) Tomatoes/tomato sauce (*Note: Dave doesn't like fresh tomatoes, hence the reason this represents things you might not like but that add color, flavor, and necessary nutrients in my scenario): Unselfishness in all its forms; choosing your spouse's needs above your own; making personal sacrifices that hurt a little sometimes, losing the battles to win the war, etc.

6) Herbs/Spices/Seasonings (essential ingredients and flavors that are sometimes individually overlooked but make a huge difference to the end product): This quote from Howard W. Hunter covers it all -- "Teach the gospel to your family through regular family home evening, family prayer, devotional and scripture-reading time, and other teaching moments. Give special emphasis to preparation for missionary service and temple marriage. [Fathers], exercise your priesthood through performing the appropriate ordinances for your family and by giving blessings to your wife and children. Next to your own salvation, . . . there is nothing so important to you as the salvation of your spouse and children."

7) Olives (necessary, healthy "fats"; the things you might be tempted to cut out but really need for things to function and progress): Kindness and consideration to keep the love alive and growing (i.e. small, random acts of kindness; love notes; inexpensive just-because gifts; individualized service to let you know you're thinking about each other in the midst of craziness and life demands, etc.)

8) Cheese ( tops it all off; keeps everything else from moving, shifting, falling apart): Humility, forgiveness, repentance. I really liked this thought from Brent A. Barlow of the 70 -- "Many married couples may realize, as we did early in our marriage, that late at night when they are tired is not always the best time to resolve conflicts. But undoubtedly the spirit of Paul's counsel to the Ephesians would motivate us to resolve conflicts quickly so they do not persist and grow more intense over time. The Savior also admonished His disciples to resolve conflicts with dispatch so they could approach their God with pure hearts (see Matt. 5:23-24)."

There are a lot of comparisons you could make, but these were some of the ones that stood out to me and some of the things that have been on my mind lately as Dave and I have evaluated where we stand and how we can improve our relationship to meet our goal of having a marriage where we are both absolutely crazy about each other at 90+ years of age.

I made a large "slide" of each topping and comparison, had them all set out on the kitchen island with napkins covering them until each was "unveiled" and then we discussed. The great thing about this is that we know the general "sunday school" answers (the automatic answers you instinctively know and shout out in discussions but may or may not apply all the time); but covering this in Family Home Evening let us talk about these things in the specific context of OUR marriage. We know what we are doing well, we have plenty of fond memories of doing each and every one of these things, and we have plenty of room to grow and improve on each item. It was a PERFECT night! A MUST-repeat (next time with COOKIE DOUGH and SUNDAES).

Incidentally, I found a blog post with a General Conference tradition of doing Skookies after Priesthood session (with or without the actual pan). LOVED the recipe and the idea.