Sleepless in California

I'm having a hard time sleeping tonight. Probably because Brianna was having a hard time sleeping and I fell asleep with her at 8:30 and then woke up at midnight to an adrenaline rush from killing a huge cockroach in my bathroom!  But whatever the reason . . . here are some things on my mind:

• I love rainstorms.  A really good rainstorm has always taken me back to Ricks College and dancing in the parking lot with my roommates, drenched through and through and LOVING it, splashing each other with mud puddles, laughing our heads off each and every time.  Today, though, I got a new rain memory.  My two-year-olds hearing the rain while they played in their room and running through the house to the back sliding glass door, anxiously asking me to please open the blinds and screaming with excitement as large raindrops turned to large puddles, which turned to a large-though-shallow lake across our patio, which turned to large splashes in the lake.  And once Brianna heard them, she crawled in as fast as she could and squealed with them, standing up next to the window, tapping the glass and laughing in excitement!  Once it was over, nothing could keep those two inside!  They begged me to let them jump on the trampoline, and after stripping them down to their diapers and pulling Abby's hair up, out they went!  They literally played until the huge 1" deep lake was all dried up.  And that memory - of them splashing and kicking water at each other, crawling under the trampoline and back out, throwing water from their little cup all over each other, stomping and squealing with glee and surprise every time they got splashed, etc. - will always bring a smile to my face!
• I love a clean house!  In fact, there are few things that make me happier than sitting in my house with nothing to clean, enjoying the order and spirit and freshness and liberation of it all!
• Tonight we read a few books on the sofa together - just me and my twins!  I treasure those moments! It never ceases to amaze me how much they are like little sponges, wanting to interact and interface with everything in sight!  They would seriously jump into every book we ever read if they could.  And they already ask questions to understand the story/pictures better -- but then again, Dr. Seuss invites questions sometimes, doesn't he? ;-D  And as we read the ABC book in English and I had them repeat the words in Spanish and they scurried off to find any objects in the book that they have in real life, I just smiled!  Our nighttime song tonight was "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" because X stands for Xylophone and they ran and got their xylophone - and that's the only song I have sat down to learn how to play on it!  And since they threw the stick under the stove where it just might stay forever . . . we played it with the hooves of Abby's "Forsey" (horsey).
• I'll never get over cockroaches, no matter how many times I have to kill them - big or "small" (less big, but still BIG).  I hate them, I hate them, I hate them, I hate them.  And I know this is an irrational feeling towards such strange little bugs . . . but I really stopped caring a long time ago!  Yep - I am SOOOO over the fact that my hate is irrational!  And hate it truly, truly, truly is!
• Simplicity.  Oh the power of that word!  I have grown to LOVE and SEEK simplicity!  Easy dinner of sliced lettuce, diced grilled chicken, cottage cheese, and salsa - sign me up!  Can I use the same plate and cup and utensils all day to avoid a ton of dishes?  Yes, yes I can!  Can I pack away clothes that are cute but we really don't need and/or get around to wearing and I realize that having them just gives me excuses to put off doing laundry and more laundry to do when I finally get around to it?  Yes, actually!  And I do so with GLEE!!!  Do I pack away toys that the kids only play with when they're throwing them out of the toy box in search of the toys they really want and I find myself spending more time cleaning them up than the kids spent dumping them out?  I do, I do, I really do!  And I don't feel bad when they discover the boxes/bags of said toys and throw a tantrum because I won't open them up and let them dump them all over the room/house again.  Nope - not one bit.  Why?  Because simplicity frees me up to enjoy more things - like story time on the sofa with my kids because dinner didn't take an hour to clean up after and the toys didn't take an extra fifteen minutes to get them to clean up after.  And it frees me to hold Brianna's hand and walk down the hall or across the room with her a few more times during the day.  And it lets me sit unabashed and watch my kids play in the water outside or *gulp* - and I'm still perfecting this one - go out and play WITH them.  And at the end of the day . . . everyone is just that much happier!
• Brianna . . . oh my dear little angel girl!  There is only one room in the house she is really outlawed from entering un-accompanied.  And it is precisely that room that she hovers outside of in unsuspecting moments and crawls toward as fast as she can whenever she sees the open door opportunity, letting out squeals of delight that give her away and let me intercept her just as she finally makes it in: the Bathroom!  And today, she just started clapping and smiling whenever she hears someone say yay!  And we played like that for a while, me pretending to ignore her and then randomly screaming, "Yay!" and her face lighting up as she realized that was her cue to start clapping again!  It was really a fun game!  One I got a very tired girl to repeat for Daddy after much prodding at the dinner table tonight.  Now we're working on "Hip-hip Hooray!" with her arms high above her head!  And by working on it I mean that it's my focus of playtime tomorrow!
• We bought all the stuff to make these really cute 4th of July 'Smore suckers I saw on The Idea Room website.  We invited people over to join the fun.  We made the 'smores and we melted the chocolate.  And it didn't melt like we had thought it would.  So Dave added some milk to smooth it out/liquify it a bit more so we could dip the 'smores in it and . . . you are already laughing?  So you realize that you should NEVER add milk to melted chocolate?  Why didn't you tell me?  And next time, we will freeze the 'smores and then stick the sticker stick in them and THEN try dipping them in our non-milky milk chocolate dipping sauce.  It'll be fabulous enough to take pictures!!!  And no, we didn't throw the chocolate out.  Dave is freezing it for one day in the future when we aren't on a no-sugar-besides-on-holidays kick and he can make his chocolate praline pecan cheesecake for some lucky friends to enjoy with us.  I really can't wait!
• I really love brushing my teeth!  In fact, if I had time to brush my teeth five times a day, just to have that fresh, minty, clean feeling all day long, I would totally do it!  Well, if I wasn't watching money like a hawk and felt that doing so was quite unnecessary and even potentially wasteful.  Cuz I would think of something like that. :-)
• Budgeting.  If budgeting were chocolate, my sister would be an addict.  And I would be the one sitting by, watching her eat, licking my lips and wishing I could have a bite - a morsel - a lick even some days!  But today I spent hours - for the umpteenth time this year - trying to work out a budget for the next year.  Knock on wood because EVERY SINGLE TIME I have done this in the last six months, something has happened that required enough money to completely blow my budget out of the water and send me back to the drawing board, resigned to the fact that we would never have money in savings again!  But this time -- this time I really hope it sticks!  We're trying to get back to grad school, hoping to move back to northern Idaho/Eastern Washington in the process and - try as I may to get around it - moving and grad school mean lots of sacrifices and money!  So I'm praying we can cut and shave and pinch and sell and make it. 
• Friends are like . . . well there are a lot of phrases I could use to end that statement.  Chocolate. A sunny afternoon. A walk on the beach.  A pile of clean laundry.  But tonight I am thinking that friends are just plain good to have.  Cuz I'm a "people who need people" person, not gonna lie!  And not having people could quite possibly be one of the hardest things for me in this world!  And by people I mean friends!  Maybe it's because I fear that I could pass through an entire stage of my life completely unnoticed, no one caring I was there or missing my presence when I left.  I think anywhere you go, everywhere you live, everything you do, etc. - you need real friends.  Even if it is just one.  One golden friend who will accept you for who you are, not judge you when your house is a mess or your kids are bouncing off the walls and ceiling and kitchen sink and . . . . One golden friend who truly cares about what you are doing during the day, even if it really isn't anything at all.  One friend you are comfortable having drop by your house when you're still in your pajamas at 3:00 in the afternoon and your kids are running around in nothing but diapers or perched on the sofa watching Dora the Explorer for the fifth time that day.  Better still, one you can drop in on without feeling like an imposition, even if you might be one at the moment.  One golden friend who you gladly let use your bathroom without worrying that the entire world will hear that your toilet hasn't been cleaned in a while - or make microwave popcorn with without worrying that the spaghetti-splatted microwave you didn't have time to stop and clean in the moment and consequently haven't had triple the time to clean since will get you "the look".  And definitely a friend you can spend holidays with and, more importantly, cry with.  And after typing this I just realized that I am married to him.  And that makes me smile.  But that means I also have to change this entire paragraph to TWO friends!  You need TWO such friends! :-)

Life's Desserts

I've been thinking about some things this morning.  I have three amazing kids! They all came at times and in seasons that I probably would not have picked.  But I am seeing more and more each day the WISDOM and PERFECT ORDER of each of those times and seasons . . . and of each of our children joining and creating our family.  But there are those moments . . . .

At the Easter Egg hunt last week, I LONGED . . . LONGED . . . to be a volunteer coordinator again, planning community events and projects like that and at the front lines and cross roads heading it all up and basking in the joy I knew I was making possible for those kids to have.  In fact, in this large metropolis that is really a distant extension of L.A., there are SO MANY needs in the community that I wish I could be a part of fulfilling.  And whenever I drive by the college I think about how much FUN it would be to teach again . . . or even tutor people who need extra help . . . because I know I am GOOD at those things.  And they make my heart sing!  I'm working on pinning it down to one thing I CAN do - through service somewhere once a month or once a week - but the time.  The time involved.  The time and opportunity and the time necessary to find the opportunity.  And then finding something to do with my kids while I TAKE the opportunity.  It gets complicated.

In the midst of all of this, I had the thought -- what if I just had one child.  Or what if I had a part-time job.  Or what if I had successfully put off having children and didn't have any right now . . . .

And then I picked Brianna up off the floor where she had been contently, even excitedly, playing with . . . a sock and a measuring cup.  And she started kicking her legs and flapping her arms and smiling and even laughed in glee as soon as I picked her up.  And in came her wide-open mouth up to my cheek to give me a kiss as I pulled her in for a hug.  And down the hall, the twins came running in -- Abby running away from Isaac as they played tag (except she always shuts the door behind her so he can't get her -- I guess she's still learning that doors aren't really a part of the game of tag).  They were both laughing hysterically, Abby half-dressed with her shirt on backwards (because she dresses herself these days and is VERY adamant about it) enjoying every second and calling to me to protect them!

And my heart smiled.  And took a picture. The other things . . . those are pictures I already have in my heart . . . or even pictures I have plenty of time to take someday.  But these children.  These pictures.  These only happen now.  These are irreplaceable.  These aren't planned or budgeted in or even aptly recorded more than in my heart and mind most of the time.  And they are fleeting . . . so fleeting!  And when they are through, I will have created more than a moment . . . but a life.  A life that will live a lifetime and beyond.  A life that will affect other lives.  And create other lives.  Right now I have three of them, actually -- and that's a lot of living I need to be concerned with right now!  That's a lot of time I need to be focused on right now.

So I typed this as my Facebook Status: 

If we didn't have 3 kids, we would have a lot more money and time to do things like game nights, hobbies, working out, backpacking, vacations, traveling, date nights OUT, cruises, gadgets, new clothes --- we would have a LOT LESS smiles, laughs, hugs, slobbery kisses, adoration, emulation, discoveries you take for granted every day, perspective, hilarious one-liners, water fights, dirt fights, "I yuv you may much!" and other things that melt your heart 1,000 times over, tickle fights that make your sides hurt even if you AREN'T a part of them (not to mention your EARS!), cuddles and snuggles to your heart's desire, story time whenever you want, snack time five to six times a DAY, the list is endless. The trade-off? TOTALLY worth it. And those other things - there's a time and a season for everything!

"If dinner was always dessert, what joy would dessert hold?"  Originally I thought of that in terms of all the things I was missing right now as I focus on my dinner and long for my dessert.  But then my heart took a picture that reminded me that these kids are a lifetime of desserts.  Dinner is the daily grind . . . necessary, but not necessarily monumental or memorable most days of the week.  The rest of the things that my kids are and bring to me . . . that's all desserts.  And I need dinner to really appreciate them.  So I'll bask in and be thankful for both!

Making the Cut(s)

My friend invited me to a Pampered Chef party, and I realized I would love to go, but I would be tempted to buy because I absolutely LOVE Pampered Chef.  But right now . . . THIS minute, THIS month, THIS summer, we are saving every penny to try and fill some needs in my extended family and build up our food storage and put away money for a rainy day (or national disaster or terrorist attack - small things like that).  On top of that, we are trying to put any extra money towards paying off Dave's student loans as quickly as possible.  Why?  Well, for obvious reasons.  Not the least of which is the fact that I believe we have a prophet of God on earth today, that he is a prophet, seer, and revelator, and that he has counseled us -- in fact, prophets for decades have counseled us -- to get out of debt and stay out of debt!  To put away a three-month supply of food that is part of our normal diets for emergency situations.  To put away a year's supply (per person) of food that is for long-term use.  To have a 72-hour kit for each person on hand.  To put away enough money to live for three months (eventually for one year) without any income.

Yes, all these things need to be tackled in wisdom and order.  But it is in GOD'S WISDOM and ORDER, not man's.  Men have a way of putting order to things that leaves the essentials at the bottom of the list of things that never get done while the niceties rise to the top of the list of things that never get left undone.  Hence the reason we are in such economic strife right now - we don't know how to say enough, live within your means, separate needs from wants and put your house in order before you buy the extras.  )Take care of your own country before you lend money and support to the world to look good to them, all the while leaving yourself without oxygen when the airplane crashes!).  Let go of the Joneses and live like the "Chaffee's" and be content with what you have until you can AFFORD to have something more.

And it is in lieu of all that is happening in the world today,the disorder and the major things that are happening DAILY, without notice or respect of persons . . . my wisdom and order thermometer goes RED to the point of breaking at the urgency of these situations and the need to make TODAY the day that I "dam the torpedoes, full speed ahead" find a way to FOLLOW the PROPHET!  To be prepared so that I "will not fear."

All of that said, there are small things that pull on my heartstrings every day.  Things like Pampered Chef parties, sugar-free candy splurges, family vacations, things that would make living in the middle of the desert a LOT more comfortable for three small children, marathons I really want to be training for and gym memberships and running shoes I really can't afford that would help me get there, vacations and outings I would love to participate in, babysitters for me time and us time three or four times a week that I would love to be able to afford, gas for day trips or family weekend trips to L.A. or trails we can "hike" with the kids; money to make trips home for birthday parties, baby blessings, concerts, barbeques, so many things.  I would love to have a sewing table and craft corner all set up in my room.  And I would love to have money to buy fabric to start making Brianna's quilt, to take lessons at the quilt stores or do a block a month there.  And it would have been nice to buy the kids matching Easter outfits, fourth of July outfits, Christmas outfits.  I would love to fly my mom down for a week or two to do some fun projects together (also getting a babysitter a few hours a day to have time to DO a project or two without the kids) . . . or take the kids on some fun adventures I really can't handle on my own.Or go to a community theater production or Broadway or other musical with my husband (tickets are NOT cheap even for community theater).  Or the Circus that is coming to town - that would be a lot of fun, too, right?

And I think about the extra hour and a half a day that we don't have with Dave anymore because gas got too expensive for him to drive so he now rides the commuter van and has to work around its schedule.

These are just small things that have come up in the last week or two -- things I have smiled and said no to or cried inside about or walked away from or watched someone else do with longing.

And for a minute, I saw that those doing and/or inviting have just one baby . . . and family nearby . . . and husbands who have worked in their careers more than a year . . . and part-time jobs of their own, doing things they are passionate about and making money they can use to splurge for their wants (not to be confused with the friends I have who work to meet their NEEDS).  And I thought for 60 seconds that they somehow have it better.  But then I realized that it isn't about better or worse.  It's about them living their lives within their means, following what their heart tells them to do and me doing the same.  And at the end of the day, I only have to be at peace with and happy about MY decisions.  And right now Dave and I are CHOOSING to make the cut . . . . make all the cuts necessary to simply FOLLOW THE PROPHET and BE PREPARED!

Be Still, My Soul

Just a few thoughts that are running disjointedly through my head.  Sorry my blog isn't a picture book - I guess my world doesn't happen in pictures! ;-D

"Be still, my soul - the Lord is on thy side!" I am really feeling the tender mercies of the Lord today.  I feel so incredibly blessed.  When you do all you can, He truly does make up the difference.  Sometimes "all you can do" takes you to the very edge of what you have the strength to bear.  And when He has tested your heartstrings and found He still has center place in your heart, He makes it all a little easier to bear, helps you even to feel it is a blessing to struggle and a blessing to have the struggling lifted or even removed. 

"Be still and know that I am God."  In the end, this is what He is working for.  He doesn't worry about depleting funds.  He doesn't worry about sickness or disease or death or trial.  He is all about HAVING your heart.  Having us KNOW that He is God - God over all.  In and about and through and over everything you could ever experience or struggle with.

"Consider the lilies of the field how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin . . . .Wherefore, if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is cast into the oven, even so will he clothe you, if ye are not of little faith. Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? For your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. But seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you.Take therefore no thought for the morrow, for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself."

And there is the real test - seek the Kingdom of God and all other things will be added unto you. Don't pull up or cast away the seed of faith because of fear or doubt or lack of answers.  The Lord is on YOUR side.  And He will take care of everything you need if you will just give Him your heart.

And finally, Neal A. Maxwell taught, "As you submit your wills to God, you are giving Him the only thing you can actually give Him that is really yours to give. Don't wait too long to find the altar or to begin to place the gift of your wills upon it! No need to wait for a receipt; the Lord has His own special ways of acknowledging."

Living Within our Means

Well, my sister just wrote an amazing and incredibly helpful blog entry on budgeting that inspired me. So I'm going to write about some things I have been thinking about lately. Short of it all -- she and I are like siamese (sp?) twins, separated by five years. I am not writing this to brag or boast, especially since Monique's blog taught me that I have a long way to go in order to ensure I stick to my budget and find financial success in the future. Right now, I generally know that we are "on track"; however, I also know that we fudge quite a bit, more than we should. It's not enough to notice month to month, but in the long run, it could derail us from our goals. More than anything, I write this to remember. I write to remember how merciful the Lord has been in the past and that, ultimately, I owe everything to Him. I write this to remember that I have a part in receiving His blessings and promises. I write this to remember that sacrifice brings forth the blessings of heaven; and, therefore, no "sacrifice" is too great to make in order to hear and hearken, and - in the Lord's timetable and way - receive His help.

When I started college, I had one goal: Stay out of debt. My mom kinda drilled it into us when we were growing up: "Don't become a liability for your husband by bringing a ton of debt to your marriage that he just has to work to pay off later." Good advice. Add to that the counsel we've received from modern-day prophets, seers, and revelators, and you have a double witness that debt should be avoided AT ALL COSTS!!! Ironic statement there. The costs to avoid debt are usually NOT financial.

Anyway - so I set out on my quest. And the Lord supported me 100%. My college budget was very simply defined: Don't spend money. And I didn't. For example, I never owned a CD player, bought my first CD the last year of my M.A., never bought a video/DVD. I just didn't. When I bought clothes, they ALWAYS, always came off the clearance rack -- and I knew when the clearance items would have an extra markdown that would make them even less expensive. I think I paid full price for pants for the first time after I graduated from college and had been working in Virginia.

Then when I was looking at graduating after I finished my M.A., I had the impression that I needed to save enough money to live for an entire year, at the rate of living I had already become accustomed to, without any income. What a benefit that inspiration became!!!! And the subsequent events pretty much proved that following that one prompting made it possible for me to have time to fall in love with my husband and start making preparations that later paved the way for us to purchase our condo this last year.

Again, when I started working at the beginning of our marriage and we found out we were pregnant (pre finding out we were having twins), we decided that we really DID want to invest in our own home. That later turned into our purchasing a fixer-upper condo. But we made the decision to do it, set a budget for fixing it up, and then went to work to figure out how. The answer: I put every penny I made working last year into savings for us to live on this school year while Dave is in between school and internships. We figured out what our monthly budget needed to be and set aside enough money to live from June of last year until May of this year without taking out loans or -- if the pregnancy/baby (later babies)/life expenses cost more than we had anticipated -- with only a few student loans. So far, we've followed what we set out to do, though it hasn't been easy. Come May, I know Dave will either have an income or we'll have the blessing of using MINIMAL student loans to make it that final month and on through October when he gets his last year of the GI Bill. How do I know that? Because the Lord has supported me in my righteous financial decisions in the past; and I know that if I continue to pay my tithing and remain faithful to my desire to follow His counsel, HE WILL SUPPORT ME still.

In all fairness -- my husband sees things a bit differently than I do and isn't the "do without everything in order to be debt-free" kind of guy. I'm thankful for the balance, and we discuss and communicate about our expenses A LOT!!! So far, we're still doing pretty well. And the extra student loans we have taken out this year have remained, thus far, unspent. Even so -- we have a very specific and detailed plan for how and when we will pay off each and every penny of the student loans we have taken out (both those he had before we got married and the few we have taken out since). That's one rule Monique didn't mention on her blog post about having a budget that I feel very strongly about: If you are going to go into debt, do so with a plan -- a very specific plan -- that addresses every step of how you are going to get out of the debt you have incurred.

In the last few weeks, we finally sat down and planned how and in what time frame we are going to pay off our condo. We also discussed how we are going to prepare for life changes (future children that will come before it is paid off, etc.). This allows us to live within our means while also building up some assets that will aid us in living our dreams in the future, without having our dreams bind us down financially.

That brings me to the next part of all of this for us. We have felt VERY STRONGLY that we need to plan ahead for a rainy day. We have been tackling not only our budget but also our food storage and emergency preparedness essentials A LOT lately. We talk about it at least once a week -- usually on Sunday or for Family Home Evening on Monday night. And that helps us keep our focus when we are looking at other things we might or might not want to buy.

In our long-term planning, we feel that we need to have a full year's supply of food, clothes, diapers, formula, etc. to live without any income for that time frame. We also feel that we need to have enough money in savings to live for a year without any income. That will take some planning and tweaking as we finish school and get into a stable job with a steady income and the ability to plan these things. But the principles we are applying now will remain the same. We don't plan on increasing our standard of living with our increased (aka presence of) income. We will increase our standard of living when we are financially prepared to do so while still living within our means.

One thing I have really appreciated with Dave is that -- if he wants something that does NOT fit into our budget and isn't an absolute necessity, he finds a way to work above and beyond to find the money to buy it. That way, it doesn't come out of or affect our budget and still makes him feel like he can splurge when my tendency always and forever is to NOT splurge no matter what! For example, last Christmas he surprised me with matching wooden picture frames for our family picture wall in our dining room. He remembered that I had mentioned I wanted a family wall of pictures -- and he wanted nice, matching picture frames for our pics, but we didn't really have the money for it. So -- without me knowing at all that he had done this -- he signed up to drive bus for a trip that he was not scheduled to drive in order to get the extra money to buy some nice frames. I love that he did that! And I love our family picture wall! Then again this year, he had a gift he wanted to buy for our family but knew it was not in the budget or an absolute need. What did he do? He collected and sold some scrap metal and also some things on E-bay that he had laying around the house. It was such a nice surprise and didn't add any financial stress to our lives. I have to admit also that he is rubbing off on me a little! I don't know if that's good or not yet, but it is a lot more fun sometimes to give myself permission to find a way to splurge! ;-D