Sunday with Daddy

The kids woke up around 5:30 this morning . . . which was actually 4:30 with the time change.  Isaac woke up Abby, and downstairs they went to take advantage of their new "freedom/talent": turning on the television and Netflix all by themselves.  It was a while before my tired mind cued into what was happening, and I got downstairs to bring them back up and put them in bed.  But Isaac never went back to sleep . . . Abby didn't sleep for long.  Brianna, who had been asleep in our bed since 3:00 with nightmares or who knows what, also woke up.  And Mommy never got back to sleep.

Two hours later, we realized there had ALSO been a time change.  So I went to church by myself; and Dave stayed home to put all the kids down for a nap.

When I got home, I found that NO ONE had slept yet!  Instead, they'd had a Daddy day:

They ate Daddy's homemade pumpkin/raisin muffins.

They read stories.

They learned to take pictures of each other.

They played Memory Match with the Animal Cards.

And they watched Veggie Tales.

It was a fantastic day!  When I got home, I had eyes peering down from the upstairs window and was greeted with huge hugs and bursts of excitement!  Now I know how Dave feels when he comes home every day.

We continued to play games.
And we had lunch.
And we ALL took a nap . . . all except Brianna.

Then Abby woke me up, asking if she could lay with me.  As we cuddled, she told me, "Mommy, did you know that I LOVE that there's a baby in your tummy?  And did you know that the baby in your tummy has a little egg around it to protect it?  Daddy showed us all the babies of the other Mommies in the book.  And they have an egg around them and are floating in water.  And then, they're going to come out of the egg.  Ummmm . . . I'm not exactly sure how they get out of there.  But the doctor takes them out, right Mommy?  And then we get to have a baby BROTHER!  I'm so excited for our new baby!  It's going to be SO CUTE!"  Dave bought a book on babies at D.I. and showed them all the pictures of what is happening inside my tummy!  And Abby is now ALL-KNOWING on all things baby!  Except how the doctor gets it out of there . . . . I think that one's going to remain a mystery for a while! :-)

After we cuddled and talked, we went down and played the matching game with Brianna.  And Daddy and Isaac sat on the sofa and talked and played games on the Tablet.  Until they watched a Living Scriptures DVD while Mommy and Daddy played Scrabble at the kitchen table.

We finished the night with baked sweet potatoes, steamed veggies, and grilled ham - everyone's favorite!

Before we put them to bed, Isaac started saying that there was a big, SCARY ghost in his room.  So Dave told him that tomorrow, for FHE, we are going to make "special necklaces" that keep ghosts away.

And then he said, "I think we need a story tonight.  Who's ready for a story?" This is a nightly tradition in our house - well, most nights at least.  Daddy reads or tells the kids a story before bed.

So they all gathered around to hear Daddy's bedtime story.  It started out, "Once upon a time, there was a man named Feklehump.  He had a wife - with a HUGE belly with a baby in it - and three kids:  One beautiful, sweet little girl with long, golden hair. One handsome little boy who liked to do things his own way.  And one adorable little toddler who was so much fun every time she got really tired.

One day, Feklehump turned into a ghost . . . . -- Um, Melinda?  Where is this story going?  I need a plot."

"I don't know - but it can't be scary or they'll have nightmares all night long.  Make it kind of funny like Casper."

"Oh - okay.  So Feklehump turned into a ghost.  And everyone knows that ghosts are supposed to scare people.  In fact, it's ghost CODE that they have to scare people, right?  And Feklehump was no different.  But he found out really fast that he had a very. serious. problem.  Every time he opened his mouth to scare people, it came out like this . . . ."

Then he took his hands and started to reach towards the terrified kids before suddenly yelling, 'Hahahahahaha!'" as he started to tickle them!

In seconds, fear turned into surprised delight, and they were ROLLING on the floor, laughing.  Abby was laughing that laugh that only comes to little girls when they are OVERtired and can't keep the laughter from coming out, no matter how hard they try.

And that was just the beginning . . . . .

And the ending of a PERFECT day with Daddy!

Careful the Things You Say

Wowzer - has it been a LONG time since I posted ANYTHING about our family.  Shame. on. me. for getting so far behind.

First a couple of updates:
~ Brianna said her first prayer!  We were kneeling together as a family when suddenly I realized that she had just "hummed" a prayer with a few syllables added in for effect.  But the intonations were right on, right down to the drawn-out, "A-MEN!"  When we tell her to say her prayers, we usually keep it simple - to thank you, I love you, Amen.  So -- that was a FUN night!
~ Isaac has a few new Isaac-isms.  For one, he has started randomly stopping us during the day or night or whatever and saying, "Mom?" "Yes, Isaac?" "You know I love you the whole world?" "I love you, too, Isaac." "Yeah. I know."  He sounds so disinterested at that moment it is almost laughable!  Another favorite is he has started saying, "Don't freak out" or "Just don't freak out" in random conversation, in answer to unrelated questions, or just when he is playing with his sisters.  And it makes me laugh every single time.  I have even been prone to asking him multiple questions just to keep getting his answer in the same disinterested tone of voice he throws out there sometimes.
~ Abby has started really noticing everyone and everything -- and is sure to correct everyone when they do something that is "a bad choice" (including mom and dad).  She is one of those children I can count on to ALWAYS tell me the truth - even if she's in trouble for whatever it is she admits to.  And she has the most tender heart.  The other day while Isaac was sleeping, Brianna woke up and I took her into Abby's room to play quietly with her while Isaac finished his nap.  I said, 'Abby - Brianna wants to play with you!"  She got a really excited look on her face and said, "Mommy - and you want to play with me, too?"  I almost cried!  And absolutely went in to play with her!  Abby is totally and completely potty trained.  She'll even wake up sometimes to go potty and can be in a diaper all day and never go potty in it once!  She's pretty serious about it, actually, and pretty defiant when you even suggest that she went potty in her diaper.

And now for something I have really been thinking about lately.

I love words!  Love words!  Can you tell from reading my blog?  I am overly verbose to a fault, so much so that you might not guess how many times I thoughtfully review anything and everything I write before I post it for public eyes.  Sometimes I just write -- but I am also prone to censoring myself and editing myself to make sure I have not left any room for doubt or even criticism.  Not that that's entirely possible because I'm way more human than I like to admit and as imperfect as they come.  But I DO TRY.  I have been that way for longer than I can remember.

I would like to say that I do that because I don't want to offend.  But I think the bigger truth is that I don't want to be judged - to have something written that I can't take back, that might paint a negative (real) picture of me that I don't want other people to have or something that captures a time and a thought and a process in my life that even I don't want to remember.  Because I am -- totally and completely human and imperfect on even my best days.  On my mission, one of my companions called me on it and told me that I wasn't perfect.  I angrily told her that I KNEW I wasn't perfect, to which she calmly and lovingly replied, "Yes. But you don't accept it.  And therefore it keeps you from fully accepting the atonement of Christ for YOUR imperfections."

That hurt.  But it was a good hurt.

I have had many moments where my children bring this back to my attention -- how imperfect I am, that they are catching and ABSORBING everything I do, everything I say.  This came to me full-force this last weekend when I caught MYSELF saying that the kids were "freaking out" and it was driving me crazy.  I realized that "I" was the source of Isaac's new favorite phrase.  And it made me wonder how many times I had used it.  And what else I had said that he had been picking up on in pieces and would soon have so ingrained in his mind that it would become HIS phrase, HIS action, HIS attitude.  It was a sobering, sobering thought.

In the midst of this thought, I had an experience with a friend who posted a comment in a Facebook group and was completely ripped to shreds for her comment/opinion.  The aftermath was a twist and turn of events that got worse and worse as pieces were added and taken away from it.  But the context of that conversation left me pondering as much as the conversation itself.  A 14-year-old girl took her life this last weekend - and changed a family and community forever.

It took me back to a funeral I attended not long ago of a man I revered and admired in every possible way.  He had also taken his own life.  And the feelings surrounding that were difficult to grasp.  But the wise Stake President (church leader) who spoke at the funeral service shared a quote about how the battles raging in the quiet rooms of mens hearts are the greatest battles raging anywhere.  It was more eloquent than that, so I ask your forgiveness for not knowing or being able to locate the source and actual quote.  But I know that is a very true principle.  We do not, cannot, will not have the capacity to see into the great battles men and women fight inside their minds and hearts every single day.  And some people - myself included so many times in the last few years - are literally fighting every single day for their very souls, for their very lives, for every breath and step they take in a world that may never even know those battles exist or its effect on them.

So let me try and tie a bow on these jumbled and seemingly disconnected thoughts.

A song that has impacted me deeply from the moment I heard it is from the musical "Into the Woods."  There are MANY thought-provoking songs and one-liners in that musical, and it is very worth the time to watch it if you have no idea what I am talking about.  But there is one song that resonated in my soul, moved me to tears, and even gave me nightmares from the first time I heard it.

Careful the things you say, Children will listen.
Careful the things you do, Children will see. And learn.
Children may not obey, But children will listen.
Children will look to you For which way to turn, To learn what to be.
Careful before you say, "Listen to me." Children will listen.

Careful the wish you make, Wishes are children.
Careful the path they take-Wishes come true, Not free.

Careful the spell you cast, Not just on children.
Sometimes the spell may last Past what you see, And turn against you...

Careful the tale you tell. That is the spell.
Children will listen...


Though I would NEVER put another person's choices at the feet of those around them, I do think that every day of life we are given to live can be such a great gift to ourselves, our spouses, our children, our friends, our associates.  LIFE can be such a great gift.  And such a great opportunity. An opportunity to respect, to forgive, to build, to elevate, to encourage, to flood . . . with love. An opportunity to suspend harsh judgments, to suspend criticism and unkind words, to suspend doubt and fear, to suspend an expectation of perfection that no one can EVER live up to, not even those expecting it of themselves and others.  An opportunity to BE REAL about being real and give other people permission to be and do the same without fearing judgments and unrealistic expectations that set them up for failure every. single. time.  Our children are listening . . . and learning . . . and becoming TODAY! And the best news of all -- the very best news of all -- is that we are given a new day every day to be a little bit better than we were the day before. So I commit to you that I will try to use it more wisely -- and make today and every day, with all of my imperfections, a GIFT!

Life's Important Lessons

There are a few things we try every day to teach our kids.  To say please and thank you. Not to hit. Not to take things that aren't yours, or even things that are yours when someone else is playing with them at the time.  Tantrums are never okay - using words and explaining your feelings is always more effective.  Sometimes it's okay to simply say you are sad and sometimes you just need to ask for a hug or to be held or cuddled. Naps aren't just for when it's dark.  Time out isn't always fun but is sometimes very necessary. Grown-ups don't always do things right and sometimes require as much patience and forgiveness as children.  You should say I'm sorry when you hurt someone, even if it is an accident or they are just tired and having a hard time.  When someone says I'm sorry you should accept it graciously, with a hug of course.

And then there are the fun lessons like yesterday when I taught the kids how to eat ice cream out of an ice cream cone the RIGHT way: by biting off the bottom and sucking it through, of course.

And tonight, well - when you are wearing white and still learning to eat, you should take off your white shirt before eating a burgundy popsicle.  And there's always time to do TWO fun things at once - like eating popsicles while playing with toy ambulances. And when learning to stand/walk, it is always nice to have something constant, steady, and immovable to hold onto. Lessons learned.

I've Reached That Point Again

I remember very vividly how I felt when I reached this point with the twins.  Up to that point, life had been crazy!  Everything felt stressful to me!  I dreaded them waking up and looked forward to them going to bed.  Every part of daily life and routines felt like a heavy chore that I was just trudging along to get through or looking for a reason to avoid.  I was exhausted.  I was overwhelmed.  I was out of ideas.

Then one day it just changed.  I don't remember what happened that made me make the change - but something happened.  I think I probably started reading my scriptures every morning and keeping a clean house and taking my vitamins and minerals and going to bed at a decent hour.  But I remember realizing one week that it had been a FABULOUS week!  I was enjoying my children immensely!  I looked forward to bathtime, story time, scripture time, singing time, playing time, meal time, all the time.  I was so calm and relaxed as I experienced every one of these things WITH my children and didn't just complete them FOR my children.  And when I felt that change, I left their room one night and shut the door and just stood there sobbing.  Everything about life was totally different.  Everything.

And yet I know that really I was the only thing that changed.

Here I am again, more than a year and another baby later.  And it has been a FANTASTIC month for me!  For the first time in over a year - everything feels so fantastic!!!  My house is in order like it hasn't been in order since I moved here - at least consecutively and consistently in order since I moved here.  I have more and more moments like last night where I don't feel like I'm at WAR with my children -- and I feel totally equipped to handle them, being in control of MY emotions and feelings and therefore the situation.  I have meals down pat!  I'm totally on top of cooking and cleaning and healthy eating in ways I've planned to the last detail to be for . . . forever!  I look forward to story time and song time and prayers.

And even cleaning up tonight was so much fun -- all of us were working together.  That little Abby is a TROOPER, a dynamite helper, and so independent it kills me sometimes that she's already there.  Isaac needs a little more help staying focused sometimes -- those darn toys just look too fun to put away without playing with them for just one moment longer!  But we get through that and he gets back into focus, and he's always the first to start singing the Clean Up song.  And even Brianna had fun while we cleaned, discovering the air purifier and pulling herself up to stand next to it and play with the buttons, startling and falling down when her curious face was met with a gust of air from the vent, and then pulling herself up again to try and figure it all out!  It was awesome for ALL of us!  The kids filled in the blanks with the rhymes in their books.  Isaac made up songs about whatever came to mind to the tune of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" and kept at it for more than a half hour after he got into bed.  And rather than be aggravated that he wasn't asleep already, I just enjoyed his lyrics and creativity and sat down the hall just listening to him sing his little heart out! (Dave, bless his heart, was exhausted from the Benedryl he took to combat the allergies that hit him like a load of bricks when he got back from his campout - or he would have been singing and having fun with us, too!)

I'm not going to pretend that every day is a Jolly Holiday with Mary "Mommy" Poppins around here.  Because it SO is not!  And I still have nights where I dread going to sleep because I simply don't have a thing on the agenda for the next day and know I have two energetic toddlers to try and teach and prepare and entertain and love and an infant who is catching up too quickly for my comfort.  And that in and of itself can be completely overwhelming!  I wish I had a "what to do with your children day by day, 365 days a year, from birth to 18-years-old: a parents complete guide to raising brilliant, responsible, kind, disciplined, hard-working, obedient, independent, spiritually-solid, confident, competent, talented, humble, gracious (and any other adjective you want to add along the way) children."

But then again, I have a feeling that such a book would lead to me being an absolute nervous wreck of a mother for the rest of my childrens' lives.  Because I really think that my literal change of heart comes when I stop trying to fit into a day what everyone else says or thinks I should, when I stop feeling that everyone is looking at me and judging me and finding me wanting in every possible way.  When I let go of the should be's and would be's and could be's and just let myself work through and laugh at and appreciate and value and ENJOY what IS -- messy, clean, tantrums, food fights, scary dinosaurs that hiss at the people behind us in church, looks that could kill someone who's been dead for 50 years, hugs, apologies, gratitude, I love you's, please-and-thank-yous, the WHOLE gammit -- I find JOY in the JOURNEY!  And when that happens, I find that my children find JOY in ME!  And then I'm more prepared and inclined to naturally do . . . better.

Banana Mixed with Banana Chocolate Chip

Tonight Isaac had a hard time falling asleep.  Maybe it was to do me a favor because Dave is on a campout with the Young Men/Scouts in our ward and I was NOT looking forward to a night all by myself.  But whatever it was . . . it was pretty intense.  But that's Isaac.  First he cried and cried and cried.  Then he cried.  Then he screamed.  Then he cried.  And he woke Brianna up every single time.  So finally I went in, armed and dangerous.

Then I remembered that kids meet you in the same attitude/voice you take to them and decided to take it down a few notches.  He said he was hungry, and though I didn't really believe him, after an hour and a half of weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth and really, really, really wanting to put his sister to bed for the LAST time of the night, I caved.  I had two quick/non-messy foods in the kitchen: a banana and a banana chocolate chip muffin that didn't rise when I baked it because I opened the oven to "check" on it, and it therefore has lasted a few days in a ziploc bag on my counter.  I took both.

He opted for the banana.  Perfect.  I left it with him and . . . left.

Just as I got Brianna back to sleep --- BAM!  Screaming, crying, more weeping, wailing, gnashing of teeth. And an echo of it from Brianna who was once again disrupted in our every attempt to get her some sleep.

Again, I went in armed and ready for a fight.  And again the voice in my head - love that voice sometimes - warned me to take it easy and set the tone.  Firm but kind. In control of my emotions and the situation but loving and caring and wanting to understand what he really needed so we could ALL get some sleep tonight.

So I grabbed the previously-rejected muffin and went back into his room with it.  To find the uneaten banana sitting on his pillow and a very worn-out little boy tired to tears and not even capable himself of knowing what he needed.  Or so I thought. I got him back in bed, told him that if he was hungry, he would eat the banana, but he would do it in bed.  The LAST thing I needed was him thinking he could use hunger to get out of bed/out of his room and repeat performances in pursuit thereof ALL NIGHT LONG!

Just then Brianna started to cry.  Isaac told me she was crying and I said I heard her; then he said, "Mommy, cuddle Isaac's pillow."  I thought he meant he wanted Brianna to lay with him for a minute because sometimes when I go in to say goodnight with her in my arms, I'll lay her beside him for a minute to cuddle and say goodnight.  I told him that tonight was not a good night for that, Brianna was having a hard time, everyone was tired, and he just needed to eat the banana and muffin and go to bed.  We argued for a minute about whether or not HE was actually tired.  Then he looked at me, red-faced and puffy-eyed from crying for SO LONG, and repeated, "Mommy, cuddle on Isaac's pillow a minute."  I said, "Isaac - you want me to cuddle with you?"  He said yes.  I said, "Honey, I can't - I'm too big to lay in your bed with you."  He said, "No - not too big, Mommy!  I need you cuddle a minute."

I laid my head on his chest and repeated that I was too big but I loved him.  He wrapped his arm around my head and pulled me to him as hard as he could and said, "I love you, Mommy!"  I laid there for a minute, rubbing his back to calm him down, the smell of the banana he was eating and the muffin on his pillow filling my senses -- the tight squeeze of his arm every time he thought I might be lifting my head pulling on my heartstrings.  I finally did lift my head, but he said, "Mommy - please cuddle Isaac's back again!"  So I laid my head back on his chest and rubbed his back again as he finished his banana.

Then Brianna's screams bordering hysteria brought me back to reality, and I told him I absolutely had to go to Brianna and to please finish his food and go to sleep.  He said okay - we said one last I love you - and I left the room.

I'm recording this tonight - in my usual TMI/overly-verbose detail, because I hope that smell -- those smells -- always bring this memory back to me.  On so many levels I don't ever want to forget this night when the voice in my head got me to a point to be there when my little boy melted my heart, asked me to cuddle with him for a minute, pulled me tightly to his chest, and said from the depths of his heart, "I love you, Mommy!"  And - in spite of the voices in my head shouting at me about tooth decay and food in bed and giving in to even two-hour-long crying spells - I'm glad I listened to the one that got me to be there with calm, controlled kindness and love.  It doesn't get much better than that, does it?

Today

Today was better than yesterday.  And yesterday was better than the day before that.  With two "better than" days, I have high hopes for tomorrow!

Today I played with my kids.  I had tickle fights with Isaac and Brianna on my bed.  I swung Abby and Isaac around and around and around in the kitchen.  Then I held them like airplanes and did it again . . . and again! And again!

Today we put Brianna in a swing at the park for the first time -- and she LOVED it!

Today we took the kids to the park.  I got a Diet Dr. Pepper.  The family got a Blackberry Milkshake!  Everyone chose the Dr. Pepper over the Milkshake - which was spilled all over the floor under my feet without me realizing it was in the tipped over bag - still almost half full!

Today we had Chicken Fajitas for dinner.  I opted for a carbless one -- meaning I had a Chicken Fajita salad.  Abby ate 1/3 of my salad and asked for more.  Isaac ate Abby's left-over Peanut Butter sandwich from lunch.

Today Brianna crawled giggling away from me as fast as she could as I tried to catch her to change her diaper and get her into bed.  That's the first time we've played "You can't get me, Mommy!"

Today we read It's Raining, It's Pouring - actually, Dave sung it to the kids for their bedtime story.  He doesn't sing.  But somehow his voice was PERFECT for that story! And I wished he would let me get a recording of it for the kids to hear when they can't remember listening to him sing like that before.

Today Abby and Isaac played dinosaur and horsey.  The dinosaurs are scary - they roar and chase you around the house.  The horsey, however, is really nice.  Abby rode Horsey Isaac to storytime.  Then Isaac rode Horsey Abby to find Mommy for prayer. Dave took a picture.  It was HILARIOUS!!!  We were ALL laughing!

Today the kids read stories to me -- stories about creepy crawlies and farm animals and colors and counting.

Today Abby sang with me as we cleaned up the toys in the office - a song she had never heard before.  But she's getting really good at playing sing-along-with-Mommy!

Today Abby told me as she climbed the ladder on the toys at the park that I was too big.  After laughing for a few seconds I asked her if Daddy - who had already climbed the ladder and was waiting for her at the top - was too big.  She gave me that silly-Mom smile and said in her silly-Mom voice, "Oh, Mo-OM!  Daddy not too big!"

Today we had chocolate milk instead of just plain milk.

Today Brianna took a long nap and played with the big kid Leggo blocks!  She even fell on them and cut her head in the form of the circle on top.  But she didn't notice too much after the initial hit.  She's a tough cookie like that.


Today was a good day.  A very, very good day!

Life's Desserts

I've been thinking about some things this morning.  I have three amazing kids! They all came at times and in seasons that I probably would not have picked.  But I am seeing more and more each day the WISDOM and PERFECT ORDER of each of those times and seasons . . . and of each of our children joining and creating our family.  But there are those moments . . . .

At the Easter Egg hunt last week, I LONGED . . . LONGED . . . to be a volunteer coordinator again, planning community events and projects like that and at the front lines and cross roads heading it all up and basking in the joy I knew I was making possible for those kids to have.  In fact, in this large metropolis that is really a distant extension of L.A., there are SO MANY needs in the community that I wish I could be a part of fulfilling.  And whenever I drive by the college I think about how much FUN it would be to teach again . . . or even tutor people who need extra help . . . because I know I am GOOD at those things.  And they make my heart sing!  I'm working on pinning it down to one thing I CAN do - through service somewhere once a month or once a week - but the time.  The time involved.  The time and opportunity and the time necessary to find the opportunity.  And then finding something to do with my kids while I TAKE the opportunity.  It gets complicated.

In the midst of all of this, I had the thought -- what if I just had one child.  Or what if I had a part-time job.  Or what if I had successfully put off having children and didn't have any right now . . . .

And then I picked Brianna up off the floor where she had been contently, even excitedly, playing with . . . a sock and a measuring cup.  And she started kicking her legs and flapping her arms and smiling and even laughed in glee as soon as I picked her up.  And in came her wide-open mouth up to my cheek to give me a kiss as I pulled her in for a hug.  And down the hall, the twins came running in -- Abby running away from Isaac as they played tag (except she always shuts the door behind her so he can't get her -- I guess she's still learning that doors aren't really a part of the game of tag).  They were both laughing hysterically, Abby half-dressed with her shirt on backwards (because she dresses herself these days and is VERY adamant about it) enjoying every second and calling to me to protect them!

And my heart smiled.  And took a picture. The other things . . . those are pictures I already have in my heart . . . or even pictures I have plenty of time to take someday.  But these children.  These pictures.  These only happen now.  These are irreplaceable.  These aren't planned or budgeted in or even aptly recorded more than in my heart and mind most of the time.  And they are fleeting . . . so fleeting!  And when they are through, I will have created more than a moment . . . but a life.  A life that will live a lifetime and beyond.  A life that will affect other lives.  And create other lives.  Right now I have three of them, actually -- and that's a lot of living I need to be concerned with right now!  That's a lot of time I need to be focused on right now.

So I typed this as my Facebook Status: 

If we didn't have 3 kids, we would have a lot more money and time to do things like game nights, hobbies, working out, backpacking, vacations, traveling, date nights OUT, cruises, gadgets, new clothes --- we would have a LOT LESS smiles, laughs, hugs, slobbery kisses, adoration, emulation, discoveries you take for granted every day, perspective, hilarious one-liners, water fights, dirt fights, "I yuv you may much!" and other things that melt your heart 1,000 times over, tickle fights that make your sides hurt even if you AREN'T a part of them (not to mention your EARS!), cuddles and snuggles to your heart's desire, story time whenever you want, snack time five to six times a DAY, the list is endless. The trade-off? TOTALLY worth it. And those other things - there's a time and a season for everything!

"If dinner was always dessert, what joy would dessert hold?"  Originally I thought of that in terms of all the things I was missing right now as I focus on my dinner and long for my dessert.  But then my heart took a picture that reminded me that these kids are a lifetime of desserts.  Dinner is the daily grind . . . necessary, but not necessarily monumental or memorable most days of the week.  The rest of the things that my kids are and bring to me . . . that's all desserts.  And I need dinner to really appreciate them.  So I'll bask in and be thankful for both!

Defining Moments

Yesterday at Sam's Club, the lady checking our basket as we left had buttons on her jacket with pictures of her little boy.  Curious George and his co-pilot, Curious Georgina quickly noticed and asked her, "What's that?" pointing to her buttons.  She told them it was her little boy playing baseball.  Then they pointed to the other button and said, "What's that?" and she explained it was the same boy playing soccer.  Then she said, "Except he just plays soccer now - he doesn't want to do baseball anymore.  And it's expensive, but gotta keep 'em active so they keep out of trouble.  No other way to raise kids these days."  I smiled, thanked her, the kids enthusiastically called and waved, "BYE!" as we left.  And it stuck with me.

Today as I drove home from getting food for the week, I heard an interview on a Christian radio station.  The gist of the conversation was on how to save your kids in today's world.  They talked about how things have changed, how sensuality has changed the focus of our society, even for young children.  They talked about how many kids and teens say they would rather die than be seen as uncool - or for girls (and I DO mean girls) as un-"sexy."  Mortality rates due to eating disorders have apparently risen; and parents teaching the biblical teaching of abstinence is seen as a thing of the past - an almost laughable thing of the past since most kids see anywhere with anyone at anytime as completely acceptable and normal.  And they talked about how the media has influenced and shaped this even more than a teen's peers.  IN FACT, the MEDIA has become this generation of teens' #1PEER GROUP. 

My mind jumped to a few other conversations:
1) A woman spoke to us about our church's family night and said that it was an IDEAL time to discuss difficult topics like sex, pornography, and drugs.  In fact, in one of their family night discussions, they spoke in detail about pornography: what it was, where it was found, why it was bad, what to do if they were ever confronted by it at school, on the computer, etc.  Their fifth-grader returned home later that week, running into the house and up to his mom and told her, slightly out of breath, "MOM!  Remember that P-word stuff we talked about in family night on Monday?  So-and-so brought a magazine to school today and showed me some, and I told him to put it away because I don't look at stuff like that."  A FIFTH grade boy.  That mother shared that perhaps the reason a teen is said to turn to and listen to his peers is not because those people are most important to him but because his parents throw him into those groups instead of making home and family their core group where they spend the majority of their time.  Parents register them for every activity on the planet, keeping them busy to keep them out of trouble but never register them for time with the family where they will REALLY learn about the things that will keep them out of trouble.  The radio talk show also addressed the fact that one of the first thing a parent who has a troubled teen in an emergency situation needs to do is schedule a date with that teen on a weekly basis -- not to lecture or discuss the emergency, just to hang out, connect, become friends, be together. Truly, the FAMILY, is central to God's plan to protect and support and sustain us in times when society will fail.

2) In church we had a lesson on Pornography.  A lady shared that her 12-year-old nephew had been introduced to it after a church activity by some members of his church group.  They had subsequently ALL become addicted and it was some time before their parents caught on to what was happening and were able to intervene.  I say intervene - because overcoming pornography is something that many of my friends can attest will take a LIFETIME of intervention and committed dedication.  And the scars it leaves on the wives and children stuck in the process will take at least that long to heal. I have realized many times that pornography doesn't just pop up for those seeking it or in chat rooms or grocery lines.  And the fact that PARENTS are addicted means that more CHILDREN become exposed.  And those children share.  And church groups and homes are not necessarily sanctuaries from these things.  We have to make a conscious effort to MAKE them sanctuaries but also be on top of KEEPING them sanctuaries by being involved in our kids lives and KNOWING what is going on, not just assuming that weekly church attendance and a picture of the prophet on the wall and christian hymns on the radio or ipod are going to secure our home is protected.

3) While I was at my mom's we were watching an episode of "The Doctors."  They were talking about sexually transmitted diseases and how they need to give condoms to THIRD GRADERS because of the number of instances of STD's - particularly life-long and incurable ones like HIV - that pop up in hospitals among those THIRD GRADE children.  They said parents need to pull their heads out and realize that this is a reality and go to bat for their kids by giving them condoms and education that will protect them from ruining their lives so young by contracting these STD's. 

4) My sister, who teaches Family and Consumer Sciences in a predominantly-Christian area, is forbidden from speaking about sex, sexuality, protection, etc. in all its forms.  Even to her high school students.  She presented a lesson plan which included her having her students make bookmarks of 101 ways to say I LOVE YOU without having sex.  She was told she could NOT teach something like that and would be written up if she dared.  She is teaching, after all, in a very Christian community; and the parents of her students do not feel comfortable with someone mentioning sex or teaching sex education in such a public arena.  Those same students laugh at her whenever she talks about dating do's and dont's and tell her that they are WAY beyond talking about kissing among their friends with "benefits."  And they make it clear that those benefits are NOT holding hands and kissing.  A few students have even come to her to ask her what they should do about an unplanned pregnancy because they can't tell their parents - they'll be shunned and thrown out of the house if their parents know.

So here I sit with two-year-olds, trying to put into words and a plan in my mind what to do with all of this information in a quickly-changing world whose morals, I am afraid, have spiraled downwards way more quickly than anyone foresaw.  I say anyone, but the youth pamphlet that my church puts out has addressed these things for years.  I'm thankful to be a part of a church community where there are resources - even though I am learning that this is DEFINITELY not going to be nearly enough!  But it is still nice to have watchmen on the towers!  And now it's up to me to not be ignorant and to be proactive about all of this.

We Like to Potty -- We Like, We Like to Potty

When my brother was potty training his second son, he was also a disc jockey for dances.  I remember one night the song that goes, "We like to party -- we like, we like to party" came on the radio, and he was over and said that was Jared's theme song for potty training him.  Party became potty and - viola!  Kids LOVE things like that!

Fast forward a few years and it's my turn.  While I was at my mom's house, my sister decided to spearhead this potty-training movement and took Abby to the potty.  Then she sang a little song that went something like, "Abby went pee-pee in the potty, Abby went pee-pee in the potty."  Well -- Abby remembered that song and began singing it at random times.  The other half of that story is that Abby subsequently (in the same hour) went pee-pee in the potty again, on the wood floor, and in front of the front door.  And that ended that potty-training movement as my frustrated sister declared she was done and returned Abby's diaper to her bottom.

Well - we decided to take it on full force this weekend.  I was a little skeptical, but Dave had done some research and read that it only took a few days for them to get the hang of it, and since we had a few days in this two-day weekend, we declared today the first day of the first ever Chaffee Family Potty Training Weekend!

How did it go?  Pretty well.  We learned that it is best to begin these kinds of things when your child is well-rested/has had a good night's sleep the night before.  Otherwise you get temper tantrums and/or meltdowns every time you suggest they try to go to the bathroom in the toilet.  But once Abby got into it and Isaac was denied candy the first two times that Abby got it, he decided to jump on board!  And the rest of the day went really, really well.

We decided to strip them down to nothing, fill them up with all sorts of liquids (soda pop, fruit juice, fruit smoothies, water, chocolate milk - you name it), and offer them candy (peanut M&M's or Jelly Belly's) every time they used the bathroom.  Oh, and we locked them in the kitchen for all the time between potty uses to take advantage of the easy-clean tile floors. We set the timer for 10 minutes and took them excitedly to the bathroom every ten minutes, whether they actually went or not. We didn't get training toilets, I just bought some little stools for them to use to get up to the toilet and to get up to the sink to wash their hands.  In between potty attempts/successes/accidents, they took baths, watched movies, colored, played with blocks, drew on their chalkboards, and jumped on the trampoline! (We got a picture of them on the trampoline -- it was really cute . . . until Isaac's stomach decided it had HAD it with sugar and he threw up all over everything.  Good thing he was on the trampoline, right?  Dave hosed the tramp and the twins down, they came inside, and we resumed schedule as if nothing had happened - well, we actually cut back to one piece of candy instead of two and offered them water to drink for the rest of the afternoon.)

The results of day 1: Isaac asked to go potty. Abby got to the point she wouldn't let you take her off of the toilet until she had gone potty and gotten a piece of candy.  In fact, we had to lock Abby out of the bathroom to KEEP her from trying to go potty and washing her hands a million times in a row.  I think that's a pretty good sign.

So all we have to do is get through church tomorrow and hit it hard again for the afternoon/evening. 

Next week -- well, since Dave will be gone, I decided to keep this naked time going (cuz it is SOOOOO EASY to clean up messes on tile floors and not have to spend a ton of time scrubbing out clothes for the time being).  I made a sticker chart to replace candy - partially because they aren't that used to getting candy around here and I'm not a huge fan of giving kids even sugar-free candy on a REGULAR basis and partially because I think the candy thing gets a little old and doesn't really build up to anything bigger to keep them going.  So I'm going to make a trip to the dollar store with them and let them pick out a few prizes - and when they fill up each line of the sticker chart, they have met a goal and get a prize.  I have seven lines - seven goals - seven prizes, and probably seven days of potty-training goodness.  That will take us to the next weekend when Daddy is home and we can - together - transition to big-kid underwear! Yay!

While You Were Sleeping

Abby finally got wrestled to sleep at around 11:30 last night. She was exhausted but wouldn't stop moving to let herself sleep.

Isaac woke up at 12:30, along with Brianna - Mom was still downstairs, so I called her on her cell phone and asked her to bring milk up with her because he said he wanted milk.

2:00 a.m., a crying Isaac climbs in bed with me and says, "Mommy, please have some milk?" I tried to stave him off, ignore him, cuddle with him, but he just cried and cried. Then he started saying that his leg hurt. Every time I tried to cover him with a blanket, he screamed and said "hurt leg, hurt leg" and he would guide my hand to where it hurt, so I would massage it for a while and then try still to get him to sleep. But he kept asking for milk. Mom said he was also tugging on his ear.  Why not?  He's only been on antibiotics for seven of the ten days. I finally gave in, went downstairs to get him milk and ibuprofen for the ear and apparent growing pains and went back upstairs.

To a wide awake and crying Brianna. I fed her again. Then I asked a still-fussy Isaac if he was hungry. He said yes. Mom said not to go downstairs to just give him to her to cuddle and drink his milk. I said, "No- he says he is hungry and I'm going to make him the freakin' sandwich. I'm NOT doing this every two hours for the rest of the night." First time I can remember saying freakin' in my life. I made him a PB sandwich.

When I came back upstairs with it, he was crawling all over the bed, hyper as hyper, playing with Brianna, and Abby was awake. Wow! Awesome.

He devoured the sandwich. Abby said she wanted one. Back downstairs to make Abby a sandwich. Got up with it, she said she didn't want it. Just wanted milk and to cuddle. Grandma ate the sandwich.  I changed Abby's diaper, put them both back in their beds. It took about another half hour to get them from climbing in and out of each other's beds, hitting each other, laughing, tickling each other, etc. Then Abby asked for another sandwich and I told her no to just go to sleep. Oh. the. patience. But I finally got them to go to sleep and held Brianna's hands down and rubbed her tummy to get her to sleep. That was around 4:00 this morning.

I had dreams of rats attacking me and my sister shunning me. Not very restful.

Brianna woke up crying at 5:20.
And at 8:00 this morning, Abby was WIDE.AWAKE. Woke everyone else up, of course, asking for breakfast and milk. I spent ten minutes forcing her to eat the Lucky Charms in her bowl.  NEVER thought I'd be doing THAT! 

Her eyes have black circles under them and when I was changing her diaper last night I noticed a small rash appearing on her stomach - little tiny bumps. I have no idea if those are from the medicine for her double ear infection or what. Something's up, though. You think? ;-D
 
And yesterday Isaac told me he was running away.  Which he repeated to me this morning as I gave him breakfast.  I said, "Who is running away?"  He proudly patted his chest and said, "Isaac run away!"  I said, "Oh, no! Is he running back, too?"  He got excited and his eyes lit up like fireworks on the Fourth of July - I mean, it was sounding like I was on board and it involves running afterall.  "Yeah - I run back, too!"  Perfect!  His five-year-old niece who really turned 13 instead of five on her last birthday taught him that.  Fortunately he has no idea what it means.  Safe for now.

I was checking on Brianna and trying to find her lost pacifier when Mom called me on her cell phone and said she needed me downstairs.  What is up?  Oh, Madison and Abby were playing instead of getting dressed and Madi got her foot stuck in between the bed and the wall and it might be broken.  So she's in the chair until her mom gets home from work to take her to the doctor. Looks like a movie day for us - yay!

Grandma took the dogs out for their morning potty break.  She called me from the kitchen to go and see that my kids, Abby dressed only in her diaper and Isaac without shoes or socks, had gone and gotten towels and blankets to sit on the steps and watch grandma with the dogs because, "Mommy, we cold!"

My mother-in-law called while I was trying to finish getting everyone else breakfast and before I could finish my conversation with her, Abby had dumped her yogurt in a nice pile on the table and began finger painting her chest and arms with it. 

I cleaned that up and realized that I had left Brianna upstairs for a minute . . . about an hour before!  I ran up to get her and bring her down. My foot hadn't hit the bottom step on my way back down before I had a huge blow-out on my hands.  Quite literally.  I hit the floor running but was stopped dead in my tracks by an open deepfreeze door and the twins standing in front of it, a box of pretzels on one side of them, the bag of frozen pretzels on the other, both of them saying they wanted one.

After last night, I'm letting them eat almost anything they ask for.

I pick up the pretzels and am quickly reminded of the blowout.  By the time I get it cleaned up and the pretzel cooked, they've totally lost interest.

But Isaac did find a half-full 44 oz cup of water to drink . . . and spill all over Grandma's hard wood floors!  Glad I caught that earlier rather than later.

And all of that between 11:00 last night and 11:00 this morning.

And yes, I edited myself a few times to keep some not-so-choice words from leaving my brain through my mouth.

Stick a fork in me a week ago. This is just burnt to a crisp!

Touch the Bubbles

A few days ago I was sitting on my mom's bed breastfeeding Brianna.  The kids have all been sick, so we have a humidifier by the bed on my mom's computer desk.  While I sat there, Isaac walked up the stairs and started to play in the other room.  Soon he joined me in Mom's room.  And then he noticed the humidifier.  They have one in their room at home and spilled it lots of times before we got them to stop spilling it and just let it be.  So I wasn't worried.

Before I could blink, I heard a bang and saw the water tank had fallen to the floor.  I, of course, freaked out.  Sitting there feeding Brianna had been the first moment I had sat down all day - putting out fire after fire, tantrum, mess, etc.  I yelled at him - man did I yell.  "How could you do that?  You know you aren't supposed to touch the humidifiers!  This is no different than the one at home, Isaac!  Why did you knock it over?" Yeah - not proud of all the yelling.

And he quietly took it as I sat on the bed feeding Brianna, anticipating a keyboard with water all over it or a floor with water all over it or . . . . What a horrible thing, right?  To have to clean up WATER of all things.  I am sure my anger was merited!

Then Isaac came over to the bed and got up in my face and very quietly and sweetly said, "Mommy?  Mommy. Mom. Want to touch bubbles!" 

My heart melted - all anger sent to the North Pole in two seconds flat!  I looked at the humidifier base and back at Isaac and said, "You wanted to touch the bubbles in the water?" 

Isaac - "Mmmm hmmm." 

He looked down, ashamed, and I touched his face and said, "Isaac - I am sorry I yelled at you.  But honey, we can't touch those bubbles.  They're in the case and we can't reach them, okay?"

Isaac - "Okay."

And we had a big hug and off he ran.

Sometimes I think my children are full-fledged criminals out to get me - make every mess possible, disobey every command, deliberately spill and spoil everything in their path, disassemble things I didn't know could BE disassembled.  Hahahaha!  Even as I was typing this I had to jump up and run down the hall to my grandma's glass-enclosed casing that holds all of her fragile, antique, and very special porcelain dolls.  How many times have I told them to stay out of that one over the years?  Me and every other adult and child over four in this house!

But in that moment I was reminded that my children are great kids!  They are not intentionally TRYING to be difficult and create messes and destroy porcelain dolls or peek-a-boo flap books or humidifiers or elliptical machines or whatever else.  They are just discovering and learning and creating through destroying . . . if that makes sense.

So I need to take a few chill pills and pick my battles and learn what needs to be stopped with discipline and what needs to be understood and a teaching moment.

Isn't parenting fun? ;-D

Venting -- and Keeping it Real . . .

I love the quote, 'Be the change you wish to see in the world." by Gandhi

How many times do you look at the world around you and think, "Man - if only we had _________" or maybe even, "It is just too ______ to ______, if we could ______, it would be SO PERFECT!!!"

I have had those moments a LOT -- and I mean LOT LOT LOT LOT LOT LOT LOT -- since I moved here to California.  And for the last seven months, I have felt defeated at every turn, like things I could normally handle were impossible.  Small suggestions like, "Take your kids to story time at Barnes and Nobles" almost leave me in TEARS thinking about going to something like that with one child strapped to my belly and two loose cannons exploding faster than I could run after/catch up to them.  People say, "Take your kids to the park" - um, same problem, open/uncontained space to contend with - you can only run SO FAST with an infant strapped to your belly!  Put her in her carseat in your hands, and you are even MORE limited. Add in parking lots and busy streets within 100-500 feet of you, and serious anxiety sets in!

And everyone always seems to have "answers" that seem so obvious and they just can't see why I'm not just doing it already.  Preschool, swimming lessons, gymnastics, music lessons of some sort, all of these things that other people with children the twins' ages are doing . . . most of them are Mommy and Me classes with one-on-one parent involvement requirements.  Not to mention the expense of two rather than one (a 10% discount isn't much of a facilitator I'm afraid).  Even play groups, which is what people always suggest, they would work for the twins but would totally throw Brianna's entire schedule off and really stress me out just thinking about having to work that hard to get her back in sync when my two-year-olds aren't even sleeping through the night yet and I'm struggling every minute to have enough breastmilk to feed my baby and enough energy to see to all of their other needs.  Moving location to something unfamiliar with two bundles of energy ready to eagerly explore every nook and cranny and me having to spend twice as much time being on top of all that they are doing is really more work than it's worth -- and usually means giving up something I have worked every minute to just have in place on the home front.

I'm not looking for excuses, just being real.  Add in the INTENSE heat and lack of all things trees, paved walkways with shade for people to go to, allergies, etc. -- I have been so . . . bumbed out at the thought of life HERE for the next three years.

Even typing this, I am actually crying.  I know it may seem strange, but it is really, really crazy hard sometimes. And I really, really am not trying to make excuses as much as I just wish that someone, somewhere, would recognize that it's a whole different ball game with three so young, in a new place, with no family involvement and your husband 45 minutes away and virtually untouchable at a new job.  We can't afford a babysitter, and there's really only one young woman who ever offers to help anyway (a 12-year old girl named Chloe -- you don't exactly leave three small children with a 12-year-old for extended periods of time).  All the adults that I talk to, hoping they will offer to help/rescue me for an afternoon or an hour, always just suggest getting a babysitter to take some time out for me.  Thank you -- who do you suggest I get and how do you suggest I pay for it and -- oh, yeah -- why do I want to spend money organizing something that leaves me all by myself out of the house when I spend all day, every day by myself inside my house?

Okay - done venting.  Time to get back to . . . just loving my kids and my life and my reality right now. And giving myself the pep talk that this won't last forever and someday I'll look back and long for the simplicity of these years.

Irreplaceable

I am the kind of person who likes to leave a mark on everything I do.  I always dreamed of being the Keynote speaker, the inspiration to women on topics of motherhood, womanhood, child rearing, and patriotism (to name a few).  I love writing and would LOVE to publish a book someday.  I even have a few titles in mind: Perfection Walls or Garbage Bags and Bread Crumbs.  I really enjoy writing cute rhymes and hope to get back to a point where I can write and publish a few children's books - my imaginary friend Sir Belvis in his baggy MC Hammer pants, oversized baseball cap, and blue cadillac being the hero of my adventures and tales.  And I love to write music.  I have written a few songs and even been blessed to perform some of them, and maybe one day I'll get to publish a book of songs.  I would also LOVE to be part of an a capella group again someday (and I do mean L-O-V-E it!).  Add to that list my physical goals and desires, paramount being to run a marathon, maybe even ten or twelve and get to the point that I can actually compete in them and maybe even qualify for the Boston Marathon.  I would also love to run a Community Service/Community Action Youth Program someday, perhaps even putting into motion the program outline I began writing for a non-profit organization in Washington, D.C. before I gave it all up to get married to the man of my dreams.

Among my many wonderful memories that I have gathered in my mind's treasure box through the years is a memory of a three-year-old girl named Kathleen.  Kathleen was the oldest of three girls.  I used to babysit her and her sisters while her parents went to the temple.  I was amazed at how smart and on top of things she was!  She was a mini-me of her mother, and if her sisters hadn't learned lessons and life routines on their own yet, she filled in and often reminded them with things like, "No, Shara, remember Mommy says we don't eat anything until after we say a prayer."  I remember watching and listening to this young three-going-on-twenty-something and having the strongest feeling of awe and reverence come over me.  I thought, "Heaven help this family if anything ever happened to their mother!  And heaven help the woman that tried to fill Lisa's shoes.  She is irreplaceable to them.  And her shoes cannot be filled by anyone else."  I knew it was true.  They might enjoy me for a while, laugh with me, play with me, read books with me, play the piano and sing with me, but I was not and never could be their mother.  And all the things I was doing with them -- well, I was just going through the motions of the foundation their mother had already laid, and laid so well that it could not be easily shaken.

Many times in my life I have feared being replaced, not being an irreplaceable in roles and situations that will forever be one of a kind and irreplaceable to ME.  I have a great fear of passing through this life like the main character in Wit - hardly noticed and completely alone, having lived a life that was full of chasing dreams and aspirations that are ultimately no more meaningful than a name on a plaque or engraved in a cement bench in an empty park.  Before I got married, I even saw myself in Julia Roberts' role in Mona Lisa Smile - the successful, intelligent, innovative, passionate woman who was moving so quickly to accomplish and fulfill her own dreams that she missed out on relationships - chasing a dream that never left her with roots and branches. I am a friend who prizes sincerity first, last, and always.  I try not to say things I don't mean to merely flatter or feel good myself for having said it, intervened, been a "good" friend.  I try very hard to leave no message or phone call unanswered, unreturned. Most of this is because I want people to know they are important to me, and I hope to get the same reciprocity from my friends to know that I matter to them. 

This afternoon I put a movie on for Abby and Isaac to watch while I went in the kitchen and made pizza crust for our dinner "party" we had tonight with their old nursery teacher from church and her daughters.  As I turned to walk out of the room, Abby looked at me and said, patting to the sofa cushion next to her, "Mommy, sit by you?"  I told her just a minute, planning to quickly make the dough and then go sit by her while it rose for 15-20 minutes.  But it just so happened that I never did stop until long after the dough was made, dinner was served and finished, the company left, and my kids were in bed.  And here I sit with the memory of Kathleen and the sweet pleading eyes of Abby etched on my mind.

In her, I finally have my totally irreplaceable role!  No one else (hopefully) will ever be her mommy! And I know there are so many moments in each day when I can do better to make sure that she is getting the most out of me, that the unshakable foundation only I can give her is firmly in place!

Prayer of the Children

Can you hear the prayer of the children on bended knee, in the shadow of an unknown room? Empty eyes with no more tears to cry turning heavenward toward the light.
Last night the kids were so moody and wound up that we decided, after a lot of attempts to get them settled down, some yelling and spanking for them not listening, some time-outs, etc., etc., etc. - to split them up and have one-on-one prayer with them.  Isaac and David had banged heads a little more than he and I had, so I took a broken-hearted and overtired Isaac into his room to have prayer while Daddy got a hyper-active, bouncing off the walls Abby.

When we entered his room, he immediately knelt down on the floor.  I followed suit.  He climbed up on my lap for a minute, and I gave him a hug, and then he knelt down in front of me and said,

"Dear Heavenly Father - thank oo this day, please bless Isaac, no more spankins, in the name of Jesus Kist - Awmen."

It was all said very quietly, through a few leftover sobs.  I was speechless.  I didn't even say amen because I didn't know what to say.  His tired, tearful blue eyes looked up at me.  He climbed up on my lap and got another hug and then quickly knelt back down and said his normal prayer. 

During all of this, I hadn't said anything.  And I realized he probably noticed I didn't say amen and decided he hadn't said his prayer right and needed to say it again.  I softly said amen this time, not wanting to send the wrong message, and pulled him into a big hug and told him I had loved BOTH of his prayers and was very proud of him and that we had had a really hard night but we loved him very, VERY much. 

He got right into bed, and I went to find his cup of milk.  And paused en route to tell his daddy what he had just prayed.  Then Daddy took a minute to go in and talk to his tender-hearted little boy.  He left Isaac laughing, smiling, and Isaac returned David's "I love you" with "Yuv you" - which has become less common as an immediate response lately.

Can you hear the prayers of the children?  They're walking through the shadows of so many unknown rooms, trying to figure out what it's all about, what their boundaries are, what their voices are, what they can do and what it's okay to feel and when it's okay to just say now or no or enough or "I no want it" or stop or help or "please bless Isaac, no more spankins."

I was amazed and so thankful that my little two-year-old has already learned the concept of prayer and asking for what is in your heart.  Because I know from so many experiences that THAT is what will get him out of those shadows.  That THAT is what will put him in tune with the LIGHT that he will need in unknown rooms my crazy imagination hasn't even visualized.  And I know that he has just reminded ME of this fact because sometimes I forget.

And I know we make so many mistakes along the way with him - with both of them - with each other, even.  But I guess that's what walking through and kneeling in unknown shadows is all about - learning, gaining enlightenment, coming to know -- know our limitations, know our strengths; know our hearts, know our way, know when to crawl, when to walk, and when to stop and kneel; know how to rise and walk and apologize and laugh and love and sleep and wake and try again -- another day.

And all this speechless mommy can say to this whole experience is: Amen, Isaac!  Amen.

I am WOMAN! (And LOVE it!)

Of all the debates out there in the world today, there is one that never ceases to blow my mind.  It's that whole "equality" issue.  All of these specific groups calling for their "rights" -- and all of them centered around the argument that we all have to be equal.  And I am really starting to wonder what that even means, if we even know, or if we've gotten so used to throwing it around in the name of all things "unfair and unjust" that we have totally LOST sight of what EQUALITY really is.

I remember a conversation I had my first or second year of college.  I was talking to a fairly flamboyant and proud-of-her-feminism young woman.  As I listened to her, I wondered if she knew how hard and ridiculous she was sounding.  Finally I said something like, "Well - I don't know about all of that.  And maybe you do want to be everything a MAN is and do everything a MAN does.  But me, I DON'T REALLY WANT TO BE A MAN.  I just want to be a really strong woman!"

I've thought about that a few times since.  I mean, if I had lived during the time of Abigail Adams -- I would have been a die-hard feminist in every sense of the word for the things SHE was fighting for and felt strongly about.  The same with Jane Addams.  And Jane Austen.  Oooh -- there are so MANY amazing "feminists" in history that make me smile just thinking about them.  But by my definition of righteous feminism, I wouldn't be a feminist with Nancy Peolosi or Hillary Clinton or so many others in today's world.  In fact, I am sad that when you do a search on influential women, you find so many women listed whose lives have stood for things that I would rather NOT have had influence history.  And these women have redefined what it means to be a "woman" and what our "gender roles" should be.  Ironically, few of them have had very much time for motherhood at all.  Or they had their one token child and that was it.  They seem to have been so caught up in living lives that put them on equal ground with men -- and being the "first" woman to do what has culturally been done by men -- that they forgot to make time to do one of the things that ONLY WOMEN CAN DO.  And that's just one example! :-)

Maybe seeing some of these women and what they would try to do to and with "womanhood" in the name of equality and personal rights is what led Elder Neal A. Maxwell to wisely observe,

"When the real history
of mankind is fully disclosed,

will it feature
the echoes of gunfire or

the shaping sound of lullabies?

The great armistices made by military men or

the peacemaking of women in homes and in neighborhoods?

Will what happened in cradles and kitchens

prove to be more controlling than

what happened in congresses?"

I remember Sister Margaret D. Nadauld speaking in a General Conference  on the "Joy of Womanhood" and she said,
"Women of God can never be like women of the world. The world has enough women who are tough; we need women who are tender. There are enough women who are coarse; we need women who are kind. There are enough women who are rude; we need women who are refined. We have enough women of fame and fortune; we need more women of faith. We have enough greed; we need more goodness. We have enough vanity; we need more virtue. We have enough popularity; we need more purity."

And lets just be honest!  To be a woman who is tender, kind, refined, filled with faith and goodness and virtue and purity -- that is NO SMALL TASK!!!  I mean, after studying Proverbs 31, I think I could work my WHOLE LIFE to just become a woman of virtue! I wonder how many women in the world spend their time thinking about and striving to become these things.   


This has since become one of my favorite quotes!  Not only does it provide an AWESOME example of PROFOUND alliteration, but it also provides an AWESOME standard for where women of today have to FIGHT to get back to because of the direction some of the women of yesterday have taken in the name of "gender equality."

When I was majoring in Creative Writing at Southern Virginia University, I wrote this poem:

As society seeks to build

Strong Women,

I fear I will

have to Be Stronger

to Be a Mother

not only to my own children but

to my

Neighborhood,

Country,

World.

I am grateful I am a woman!  I am grateful that I have things I CAN do and MUST do that men will NEVER be able to do!  I am grateful that my husband is a man.  I am grateful that he has things that he CAN do and MUST do that I will NEVER be able to do!  And I am grateful that I get to learn even MORE about strength in gender as I mother my children and learn and grow from their DIFFERENCES every day!

God's Family . . . My Family

I don't know if you've noticed or not, but I am celebrating FAMILY this month with some other fantabulous bloggers in the virtual world of the internet . . . and the anniversary of The Family: A Proclamation to the World.  Today's focus is on the fact that Family is CENTRAL to God's Plan of Happiness.  And He is central to OUR happiness.  Check out this post.  And now, my two bits (cuz you may have noticed that I ALWAYS have SOMETHING to say! ;-D):

This is actually really good for me to remember today.  There are a few things that I have had to work really hard for in my life -- MOTHERHOOD is at the TOP of that list.  Marriage is another.  Then there are those daily, weekly, hourly things that pop up and you deal with or simply put out of your mind for sanity's sake because you know you do not have and will not get answers right away, so there's no point dwelling on and worrying about them.  My friend Kristen once reminded me that "worrying does not empty tomorrow of it's troubles, it empties today of its strengths."  I try, TRY, try, T-R-Y to remember that. 

But of all the things that I have had to work hard for, work hard to achieve, to learn, to understand, to overcome, etc., there is one thing that has always been a part of me, always been so obvious and so real to me:  It is my knowledge that I am a daughter of God and that He loves me -- and my commitment to do anything to please Him and to make it back to His presence again some day.  I may not always remember this from day to day as I struggle along down the path of life, but I do ALWAYS -- and I mean always -- KNOW it! 

One of my favorite scriptures is where God is speaking to Moses and says, "For behold, this is my WORK and my GLORY -- to bring to pass the IMMORTALITY and ETERNAL LIFE of man."

Imagine that! I mean, really imagine it!  I'm an English major -- TWICE, crazy me -- and I know how important diction is to get your meaning across.  And God uses the words WORK and GLORY together.  What comes to mind when you think about, try to envision, the GLORY of God?  Words cannot express or describe, right?  And yet with all of that, He tells us that WE are His GLORY!!!  That our success . . . our receiving immortality and eternal life . . . is HIS life's GREAT WORK and is what brings Him His GLORY!!!  And can you see God WORKING on anything that isn't a SUCCESS?  I mean, He is GOD, after all -- and if He's working on it, He has ALL resources at His fingertips to make it a reality -- the GREATEST of which is the Atonement of Jesus Christ!

Now hopefully you won't feel so small today!

And when I think about my family, I realize that if that is what He is doing for me, that is what He is doing for my children -- HIS children. 

How is the FAMILY central to God's Plan of Happiness?  We are all the Family of God!  Individual families are just off-shoots, but collectively we ARE the children and FAMILY of God.  Nothing comes before or after that fact!  It's really ALL about family.  And HIS goal is to have HIS family -- every single one of His precious children -- back in His presence one day.  One HUGE and HAPPY family reunion!  (Who would want to miss THAT one?) 

And if I can hold onto THAT as I work to raise and rear and care for my off-shoot of God's family -- my branch of His marvelous Family Tree -- I can't help but know that HE is in it!  And after all I can do -- even all my mistakes and short-comings, try as I may -- HE will make up the difference for HIS children and make sure that THEIR needs are met so that they CAN return to Him.  Hard as it may be to imagine, He wants more for them than I do.  And He is much, much more capable of making that a REALITY than I will ever be!

You, too, by the way!  He's working for YOU today -- for YOUR success and happiness!  So, get to it! ;-D

So much to DO, SO MUCH to do . . .

Do you ever feel like you spend every day, week after week, month after month, just trying to get on top of it all?  Cuz I feel like that is the only message I get out of each and every Sunday meeting: I have REALLY got to get a grip and get ON TOP of my LIFE!!!!  Oh, dear -- I sound like my mother!

But seriously, folks -- I'm having a hard time getting on top of everything.

It's like every night is such a combination wrestling match/marathon that when I get the kids to bed AT LAST, I have to just sit for at least an hour to catch my breath!  And then I wait up for Dave to get home so that we can see each other, read our scriptures, and pray together and have such a hard time sleeping at night when I finally GET to sleep that the morning starts on a sprint . . . . every morning . . . and I am doing good to remember to get food ont their trays or throw a morning/breakfast prayer into the mix with my starving little monkeys before they start screaming their heads off and/or developing lasting feelings of "mommy neglect."

And don't even get me started on discipline, because I know there are people out there who have babies that don't throw their food on the floor to either get attention or to signal that they don't LIKE it (when spitting it acoss the tray/room doesn't get the message out there loud and clear); and I know there are 16-month-olds that kneel and fold their arms and sit quietly for EVERY single prayer and whose parents have nipped any objections to do so in the bud the first time they hit.  But me?  Well - I'm just glad if I remember to say a morning/meal-time prayer or to feel the spirit at night when we pray over their cries and squirms and tired eyes.  For some reason, though, they usually stay quiet during our nightly primary song -- or just sing along.  Is there something wrong with this picture?

And the laundry?  It seems that once every two months I get on top of ALL of the laundry in the house -- it is all in its place in drawers, on hangers, in storage bins and boxes, etc. And I am DETERMINED to stay on top of it and make sure I get one load done every day (or two or three days as demand warrants) and don't have HUGE, DAUNTING piles sitting in various corners of my house just waiting for my attention when I finally get around to them (and being mixed with dirty clothes that got thrown here or there before that happens -- leaving me wondering what is clean and what is dirty and basically feeling like I am starting ALL OVER AGAIN).  Did I mention Isaac's favorite game is "throw the laundry"?  Cuz he LOVES to throw all the laundry over his head into a nice, neat pile behind him and then turn around and throw it all back into another neat pile behind him and then turn around and throw it back . . . . and Abby is quickly catching on, though she prefers endless rounds of peek-a-boo to the make-a-new-pile version of the game.  Yes, it is REALLY cute, until it is the FOLDED laundry they get to throwing!

Basically, I know I just need to get a grip.  I know it should be so easy to go bed at 9:00 at night, laundry and dishes done, toys picked up, and the house in order to start the next day.  I know it should be so easy to wake up at 5:00 in the morning, go running, come home, shower, read my scriptures, write in my journal, check on my calling, make breakfast for Dave, get him off to school, check my e-mail, write in my journal, and make breakfast for the babies so that I get them up with a morning prayer before they even get out of their beds and then have breakfast ready so that they can eat and play until they go down for that perfect morning nap that lasts an hour and a half so that I can work on making their quilts or other Christmas presents/projects while they sleep and get lunch ready so that they can eat when they wake up and we can go on an afternoon walk and play at the park and then go home and let them take another one and a half-hour nap while I work on other home projects I'm trying to get done (or write in their journals so they have an account of what they were like as kids), and then get dinner started so that they can wake up and play for a while and we can hopefully get Daddy home for dinner and sit and eat together as an ENTIRE family and play together and read scriptures together and pray together and get babies in bed together and get Daddy back to doing homework while I clean the kitchen, finish that one load of laundry, and get ready for the next day before reading our scriptures and praying together and going to bed promptly by 9:00 at night to start all over again.

It should be so easy.

WANTED!

Item #1:
Good books on parenting, disciplining, raising toddlers, feeding toddlers, sleep habits, etc.

So far, people have suggested: Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child; Siblings Without Rivalry; How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk. What has helped you?

Brief scenario for you:
Sunday
Scene 1: Abby and Isaac empty their tupperware drawer.
Scene 2: Abby climbs INTO the drawer to play.
Scene 3: Isaac tries to PUSH Abby OUT of the drawer. Abby cries, Mom intervenes by removing BOTH children and closing the drawer.
Scene 4: 10 minutes later, mom hears babies crying and goes to investigate just in time to see Isaac fall backwards, hit his head on the floor, and start to cry. Abby pushed Isaac OUT of the drawer.

Yes, people, they are ONE -- just one!

Item #2:
A good garbage can for my kitchen that will hold my kitchen garbage and also KEEP MY BABIES OUT OF IT!!! They are determined, independent problem-solvers, so it HAS to ACTUALLY be child-proof. Why? Cuz I'm tired of them pulling food and garbage out of it (I think they're bored with what we already have, so I need to be more creative in toys/things to keep them entertained); and I'm REALLY tired of them dumping things INTO it -- yes, my friends: sippy cups, unopened cans of tuna, unopened bottles of juice, toys, you name it! Dump and pour stage, anyone? Well - it needs limits, and mommy saying no just isn't cutting it.

On Monday I was so sick of them pulling things out and putting things in while I was trying to make dinner and do dishes that I moved them into the living room to play and put our camping trunk in the passageway between the living room and dining room/kitchen area. I went down the hall to the bathroom only to have Isaac outside the door a few minutes later, talking to me -- VICTORIOUS over the trunk (did I mention they are determined, independent problem-solvers?). Abby was -- oh, yes, IN THE GARBAGE!!!!! I moved them back into the living room, replaced the trunk and put something heavier behind it, only to have Abby RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE, look at Isaac and jibber something that LOOKED and SOUNDED like, "C'mon, Isaac, let's get rid of this thing again!"

Yes, they are ONE - just one.