Natural History Museum - Los Angeles

I set a goal to start writing at least once a week.  That was last week.  But the only thing that really happened this week is we had the stomach flu hit, and that pretty much was our week.  I did get the Styrofoam blocks down for a very fun afternoon, which I'm going to write about and will post pictures of when we get it finished.

HOWEVER, last week we took the kids to the Natural History Museum in Los Angeles.  It was really a fabulous day out, and the first time we've escaped as a family in a long time.  The week before, we had planned on going.  Dave had made eggs for breakfast, with lots of cheese on top, and put it out for the kids to eat while we hurriedly got everyone ready.  And he asked Isaac to take one bite.

Needless to say, we learned our lesson the second time and didn't put him eating ANYTHING as a stipulation on family activities or rewards that we really, really, really want to enjoy with him from that moment on.  After two hours of determined non-compliance, we canceled our trip to Los Angeles.  Or rather postponed it a week.

The kids LOVED it!  There was some confusion over all the animals that weren't moving (I still don't think they got it, thankfully).  But they were in heaven time and time again as they looked at, sat in front of, tried to play with, and otherwise were just really excited about the day.  At one point, Isaac walked over to a bench, pulled it up to an exhibit, and just sat and studied it.  I went over and asked if I could sit by him and he said, "Sure, Mom," and then turned his attention right back to the beavers, as if I wasn't even there and he was watching the most interesting thing in the world.  So I started to talk to him about how amazing the beavers were and how they used their teeth and tails to build the dams.  That was just one of many such moments, and all in all it was just a perfect day!  My kids LOVE animals!  They are fascinated by them and ask so many grown-up questions it leaves me needing to know more just to keep up (like the argument that went on for I don't know how long about whether the Killer Whale is a Killer Whale or an Orca -- and Abby would NOT let up on the fact that it is an ORCA and NOT a Killer Whale "Right, Mom?"  I tried to say it was both, but that was not acceptable -- it just HAD to be one or the other, and it WAS an Orca!)

Brianna fell in love with this little turtle statue the kids could sit on.  She kept taking my hand and leading me back to it over and over again.  And when I was distracted by the kids and couldn't find Brianna anywhere -- I looked at the turtle and there she was, grinning proudly and waving at me!  We left the room it was in, but 30 minutes later when she saw we were nearing it again, she started crying again and pointing and pulling my hand back to the room where the turtle was!  It's the small things, right?

The other high point of that trip was the dinosaur show we had gone down there to see in the first place.  Two recordable moments happened during that show:

After about five minutes, Abby looked at me and said, with a VERY furrowed brow and confused expression,  "Mom - um I think that's actually NOT a dinosaur!" At almost the same moment, a terrified Isaac, who had been asking to leave from the moment we told him the dinosaurs were coming and literally cried in fright when the baby t-rex entered the stage, looked at Dave with an almost angry expression and said, "Dad!  That's not a dinosaur!  That's just a PEOPLE!"

A few minutes later, Abby asked me if she could PLEASE go and pet the baby dinosaur.  I told her that we had to sit where we were, we couldn't go and touch him.  Then the lady asked for a volunteer and picked an older girl in the front row.  Abby's eyes were literally dancing in anticipation as she watched the girl stand up to pet the baby T-Rex.  Then the host said to the volunteer, "Oh, I think he likes you!"  Abby turned to me, the biggest smile on her face, and said, "Mom, I think he would really like me, too!"  I smiled and said, "You're probably right, Ab!"  She got really serious and turned my face to her and said, "No, MOM!  He would REALLY LOVE ME!"

I don't think it's possible that a child could love animals more than these kids do! 

Daddy Records a Day with Brianna

Dave is working each week on documenting our year through a weekly journal he is creating in Publisher.  That was one of his goals for the year, and he is always GREAT at accomplishing his goals! And then at the end of the year, we'll have a fantastic journal created by Daddy and some filler stuff from the blog that I always write but never . . . illustrate. :-)  So here is this week's entry.  A day with Brianna - a Sunday at that.  I'll post the last few weeks' pages in separate posts.  Without further adieu . . .

Careful the Things You Say

Wowzer - has it been a LONG time since I posted ANYTHING about our family.  Shame. on. me. for getting so far behind.

First a couple of updates:
~ Brianna said her first prayer!  We were kneeling together as a family when suddenly I realized that she had just "hummed" a prayer with a few syllables added in for effect.  But the intonations were right on, right down to the drawn-out, "A-MEN!"  When we tell her to say her prayers, we usually keep it simple - to thank you, I love you, Amen.  So -- that was a FUN night!
~ Isaac has a few new Isaac-isms.  For one, he has started randomly stopping us during the day or night or whatever and saying, "Mom?" "Yes, Isaac?" "You know I love you the whole world?" "I love you, too, Isaac." "Yeah. I know."  He sounds so disinterested at that moment it is almost laughable!  Another favorite is he has started saying, "Don't freak out" or "Just don't freak out" in random conversation, in answer to unrelated questions, or just when he is playing with his sisters.  And it makes me laugh every single time.  I have even been prone to asking him multiple questions just to keep getting his answer in the same disinterested tone of voice he throws out there sometimes.
~ Abby has started really noticing everyone and everything -- and is sure to correct everyone when they do something that is "a bad choice" (including mom and dad).  She is one of those children I can count on to ALWAYS tell me the truth - even if she's in trouble for whatever it is she admits to.  And she has the most tender heart.  The other day while Isaac was sleeping, Brianna woke up and I took her into Abby's room to play quietly with her while Isaac finished his nap.  I said, 'Abby - Brianna wants to play with you!"  She got a really excited look on her face and said, "Mommy - and you want to play with me, too?"  I almost cried!  And absolutely went in to play with her!  Abby is totally and completely potty trained.  She'll even wake up sometimes to go potty and can be in a diaper all day and never go potty in it once!  She's pretty serious about it, actually, and pretty defiant when you even suggest that she went potty in her diaper.

And now for something I have really been thinking about lately.

I love words!  Love words!  Can you tell from reading my blog?  I am overly verbose to a fault, so much so that you might not guess how many times I thoughtfully review anything and everything I write before I post it for public eyes.  Sometimes I just write -- but I am also prone to censoring myself and editing myself to make sure I have not left any room for doubt or even criticism.  Not that that's entirely possible because I'm way more human than I like to admit and as imperfect as they come.  But I DO TRY.  I have been that way for longer than I can remember.

I would like to say that I do that because I don't want to offend.  But I think the bigger truth is that I don't want to be judged - to have something written that I can't take back, that might paint a negative (real) picture of me that I don't want other people to have or something that captures a time and a thought and a process in my life that even I don't want to remember.  Because I am -- totally and completely human and imperfect on even my best days.  On my mission, one of my companions called me on it and told me that I wasn't perfect.  I angrily told her that I KNEW I wasn't perfect, to which she calmly and lovingly replied, "Yes. But you don't accept it.  And therefore it keeps you from fully accepting the atonement of Christ for YOUR imperfections."

That hurt.  But it was a good hurt.

I have had many moments where my children bring this back to my attention -- how imperfect I am, that they are catching and ABSORBING everything I do, everything I say.  This came to me full-force this last weekend when I caught MYSELF saying that the kids were "freaking out" and it was driving me crazy.  I realized that "I" was the source of Isaac's new favorite phrase.  And it made me wonder how many times I had used it.  And what else I had said that he had been picking up on in pieces and would soon have so ingrained in his mind that it would become HIS phrase, HIS action, HIS attitude.  It was a sobering, sobering thought.

In the midst of this thought, I had an experience with a friend who posted a comment in a Facebook group and was completely ripped to shreds for her comment/opinion.  The aftermath was a twist and turn of events that got worse and worse as pieces were added and taken away from it.  But the context of that conversation left me pondering as much as the conversation itself.  A 14-year-old girl took her life this last weekend - and changed a family and community forever.

It took me back to a funeral I attended not long ago of a man I revered and admired in every possible way.  He had also taken his own life.  And the feelings surrounding that were difficult to grasp.  But the wise Stake President (church leader) who spoke at the funeral service shared a quote about how the battles raging in the quiet rooms of mens hearts are the greatest battles raging anywhere.  It was more eloquent than that, so I ask your forgiveness for not knowing or being able to locate the source and actual quote.  But I know that is a very true principle.  We do not, cannot, will not have the capacity to see into the great battles men and women fight inside their minds and hearts every single day.  And some people - myself included so many times in the last few years - are literally fighting every single day for their very souls, for their very lives, for every breath and step they take in a world that may never even know those battles exist or its effect on them.

So let me try and tie a bow on these jumbled and seemingly disconnected thoughts.

A song that has impacted me deeply from the moment I heard it is from the musical "Into the Woods."  There are MANY thought-provoking songs and one-liners in that musical, and it is very worth the time to watch it if you have no idea what I am talking about.  But there is one song that resonated in my soul, moved me to tears, and even gave me nightmares from the first time I heard it.

Careful the things you say, Children will listen.
Careful the things you do, Children will see. And learn.
Children may not obey, But children will listen.
Children will look to you For which way to turn, To learn what to be.
Careful before you say, "Listen to me." Children will listen.

Careful the wish you make, Wishes are children.
Careful the path they take-Wishes come true, Not free.

Careful the spell you cast, Not just on children.
Sometimes the spell may last Past what you see, And turn against you...

Careful the tale you tell. That is the spell.
Children will listen...


Though I would NEVER put another person's choices at the feet of those around them, I do think that every day of life we are given to live can be such a great gift to ourselves, our spouses, our children, our friends, our associates.  LIFE can be such a great gift.  And such a great opportunity. An opportunity to respect, to forgive, to build, to elevate, to encourage, to flood . . . with love. An opportunity to suspend harsh judgments, to suspend criticism and unkind words, to suspend doubt and fear, to suspend an expectation of perfection that no one can EVER live up to, not even those expecting it of themselves and others.  An opportunity to BE REAL about being real and give other people permission to be and do the same without fearing judgments and unrealistic expectations that set them up for failure every. single. time.  Our children are listening . . . and learning . . . and becoming TODAY! And the best news of all -- the very best news of all -- is that we are given a new day every day to be a little bit better than we were the day before. So I commit to you that I will try to use it more wisely -- and make today and every day, with all of my imperfections, a GIFT!

This Isn't Working For Me

While I was loading the dishwasher yesterday, Abby came in and - from out of the blue, with the most serious look and most adult tone-of-voice -- said to me, "Mom, this isn't really working for me right now."  Huh?  Brief moment of silence while I gathered my thoughts.

"What isn't working for you, Ab?"

Exasperated sigh, roll of the eyes, intense look on her face that said, "Ugh, MOM! Do I really have to spell it out for you?"  But she simply said, "THIS!"

Thanks for clearing that up for me. "This? What is this?"

Again the look.  "THIS!!!!!" This time, she reached her arm up in a sweep and pointed from wall to ceiling to wall.

Wow - where did you ever hear that expression and how am I actually having this conversation with my three-year-old? "This . . . . house?"

Immediately her face changed to one of excitement!  Her eyes gleamed, her brows lifted, her smile lit up the entire room. "Uh-huh!"  I don't know if I had really gotten what she was saying or if I had given her something she could work with, but whichever it was, she was happy.  Then she said, "I just really want to go back to Grandpa's house!"  Ah.  Grandpa's house.  The cows.  And horses. And chickens. And real live cats. The garden and picking fresh strawberries. The acres of land to roam and wander. The family walks down country roads.

I explained to her that we really couldn't go to Grandpa's house right now.  But that we would get all of that someday. 

Someday.

I have been thinking about the future - that dreamlike state of mind that sometimes feels so distant I feel like I'd as soon capture a cloud as reach it.  And sometimes it seems so real I have to remind myself that it isn't.  It's easy to get caught up in what you don't have but know you love and want.  Like Grandpa's house!  And it's good to have those moments.  To say at times, "This isn't really working for me right now!"  Because those moments help you define what you really want, what matters the most, what WILL work for you!  And I am a FIRM believer in CREATING the life and conditions you want.  If it is attainable and you really want it, find a way to have it.  Do NOT sit back and wait for things to change or someone to hand it to you.  Do NOT sit back and tell yourself it isn't something you can have, that it is out of reach.  Because the moment you tell yourself that is the moment you are right.  The moment you reject that thought, or the moment you extract it from your mind, is the moment you create a setting for successfully becoming and doing what you most desire in life!

But sometimes you also just have to say, "This is my reality right now and there's nothing I can do about it, so I might as well live, laugh, and love it!"  That isn't conceding.  That's accepting what is real WHILE YOU WORK TO CREATE what is ideal!

Yesterday I spent hours putting together meals-from-scratch that I can freeze to create my own freezer meals for skillet or crockpot preparation on those "crunch" days.  Okay, every day seems to be a crunch day!!! ;-D  I've spent the last few weeks emptying my freezer of all of the "fast-food"-style freezer food.  No worries - I didn't throw it in the garbage!  We actually ate it.  We don't have money to just throw stuff away.  But we were rotating it out . . . for good!  From Weight Watchers to Lean Quisine.  Processed is out.  Made-from-scratch with ingredients I can recognize, those that will actually mold or spoil if left out, is in.  That is a change I can create right now!  That is a goal I can accomplish!  Granted, I only finished one dish.  But if I do 14 servings of one dish every day, or every other day, pretty soon I'll have QUITE the freezer full of DELICIOUS food!

And I'll have weeded out for good just one thing in my life that "isn't really working for me right now."

I've Reached That Point Again

I remember very vividly how I felt when I reached this point with the twins.  Up to that point, life had been crazy!  Everything felt stressful to me!  I dreaded them waking up and looked forward to them going to bed.  Every part of daily life and routines felt like a heavy chore that I was just trudging along to get through or looking for a reason to avoid.  I was exhausted.  I was overwhelmed.  I was out of ideas.

Then one day it just changed.  I don't remember what happened that made me make the change - but something happened.  I think I probably started reading my scriptures every morning and keeping a clean house and taking my vitamins and minerals and going to bed at a decent hour.  But I remember realizing one week that it had been a FABULOUS week!  I was enjoying my children immensely!  I looked forward to bathtime, story time, scripture time, singing time, playing time, meal time, all the time.  I was so calm and relaxed as I experienced every one of these things WITH my children and didn't just complete them FOR my children.  And when I felt that change, I left their room one night and shut the door and just stood there sobbing.  Everything about life was totally different.  Everything.

And yet I know that really I was the only thing that changed.

Here I am again, more than a year and another baby later.  And it has been a FANTASTIC month for me!  For the first time in over a year - everything feels so fantastic!!!  My house is in order like it hasn't been in order since I moved here - at least consecutively and consistently in order since I moved here.  I have more and more moments like last night where I don't feel like I'm at WAR with my children -- and I feel totally equipped to handle them, being in control of MY emotions and feelings and therefore the situation.  I have meals down pat!  I'm totally on top of cooking and cleaning and healthy eating in ways I've planned to the last detail to be for . . . forever!  I look forward to story time and song time and prayers.

And even cleaning up tonight was so much fun -- all of us were working together.  That little Abby is a TROOPER, a dynamite helper, and so independent it kills me sometimes that she's already there.  Isaac needs a little more help staying focused sometimes -- those darn toys just look too fun to put away without playing with them for just one moment longer!  But we get through that and he gets back into focus, and he's always the first to start singing the Clean Up song.  And even Brianna had fun while we cleaned, discovering the air purifier and pulling herself up to stand next to it and play with the buttons, startling and falling down when her curious face was met with a gust of air from the vent, and then pulling herself up again to try and figure it all out!  It was awesome for ALL of us!  The kids filled in the blanks with the rhymes in their books.  Isaac made up songs about whatever came to mind to the tune of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" and kept at it for more than a half hour after he got into bed.  And rather than be aggravated that he wasn't asleep already, I just enjoyed his lyrics and creativity and sat down the hall just listening to him sing his little heart out! (Dave, bless his heart, was exhausted from the Benedryl he took to combat the allergies that hit him like a load of bricks when he got back from his campout - or he would have been singing and having fun with us, too!)

I'm not going to pretend that every day is a Jolly Holiday with Mary "Mommy" Poppins around here.  Because it SO is not!  And I still have nights where I dread going to sleep because I simply don't have a thing on the agenda for the next day and know I have two energetic toddlers to try and teach and prepare and entertain and love and an infant who is catching up too quickly for my comfort.  And that in and of itself can be completely overwhelming!  I wish I had a "what to do with your children day by day, 365 days a year, from birth to 18-years-old: a parents complete guide to raising brilliant, responsible, kind, disciplined, hard-working, obedient, independent, spiritually-solid, confident, competent, talented, humble, gracious (and any other adjective you want to add along the way) children."

But then again, I have a feeling that such a book would lead to me being an absolute nervous wreck of a mother for the rest of my childrens' lives.  Because I really think that my literal change of heart comes when I stop trying to fit into a day what everyone else says or thinks I should, when I stop feeling that everyone is looking at me and judging me and finding me wanting in every possible way.  When I let go of the should be's and would be's and could be's and just let myself work through and laugh at and appreciate and value and ENJOY what IS -- messy, clean, tantrums, food fights, scary dinosaurs that hiss at the people behind us in church, looks that could kill someone who's been dead for 50 years, hugs, apologies, gratitude, I love you's, please-and-thank-yous, the WHOLE gammit -- I find JOY in the JOURNEY!  And when that happens, I find that my children find JOY in ME!  And then I'm more prepared and inclined to naturally do . . . better.

Making the Cut(s)

My friend invited me to a Pampered Chef party, and I realized I would love to go, but I would be tempted to buy because I absolutely LOVE Pampered Chef.  But right now . . . THIS minute, THIS month, THIS summer, we are saving every penny to try and fill some needs in my extended family and build up our food storage and put away money for a rainy day (or national disaster or terrorist attack - small things like that).  On top of that, we are trying to put any extra money towards paying off Dave's student loans as quickly as possible.  Why?  Well, for obvious reasons.  Not the least of which is the fact that I believe we have a prophet of God on earth today, that he is a prophet, seer, and revelator, and that he has counseled us -- in fact, prophets for decades have counseled us -- to get out of debt and stay out of debt!  To put away a three-month supply of food that is part of our normal diets for emergency situations.  To put away a year's supply (per person) of food that is for long-term use.  To have a 72-hour kit for each person on hand.  To put away enough money to live for three months (eventually for one year) without any income.

Yes, all these things need to be tackled in wisdom and order.  But it is in GOD'S WISDOM and ORDER, not man's.  Men have a way of putting order to things that leaves the essentials at the bottom of the list of things that never get done while the niceties rise to the top of the list of things that never get left undone.  Hence the reason we are in such economic strife right now - we don't know how to say enough, live within your means, separate needs from wants and put your house in order before you buy the extras.  )Take care of your own country before you lend money and support to the world to look good to them, all the while leaving yourself without oxygen when the airplane crashes!).  Let go of the Joneses and live like the "Chaffee's" and be content with what you have until you can AFFORD to have something more.

And it is in lieu of all that is happening in the world today,the disorder and the major things that are happening DAILY, without notice or respect of persons . . . my wisdom and order thermometer goes RED to the point of breaking at the urgency of these situations and the need to make TODAY the day that I "dam the torpedoes, full speed ahead" find a way to FOLLOW the PROPHET!  To be prepared so that I "will not fear."

All of that said, there are small things that pull on my heartstrings every day.  Things like Pampered Chef parties, sugar-free candy splurges, family vacations, things that would make living in the middle of the desert a LOT more comfortable for three small children, marathons I really want to be training for and gym memberships and running shoes I really can't afford that would help me get there, vacations and outings I would love to participate in, babysitters for me time and us time three or four times a week that I would love to be able to afford, gas for day trips or family weekend trips to L.A. or trails we can "hike" with the kids; money to make trips home for birthday parties, baby blessings, concerts, barbeques, so many things.  I would love to have a sewing table and craft corner all set up in my room.  And I would love to have money to buy fabric to start making Brianna's quilt, to take lessons at the quilt stores or do a block a month there.  And it would have been nice to buy the kids matching Easter outfits, fourth of July outfits, Christmas outfits.  I would love to fly my mom down for a week or two to do some fun projects together (also getting a babysitter a few hours a day to have time to DO a project or two without the kids) . . . or take the kids on some fun adventures I really can't handle on my own.Or go to a community theater production or Broadway or other musical with my husband (tickets are NOT cheap even for community theater).  Or the Circus that is coming to town - that would be a lot of fun, too, right?

And I think about the extra hour and a half a day that we don't have with Dave anymore because gas got too expensive for him to drive so he now rides the commuter van and has to work around its schedule.

These are just small things that have come up in the last week or two -- things I have smiled and said no to or cried inside about or walked away from or watched someone else do with longing.

And for a minute, I saw that those doing and/or inviting have just one baby . . . and family nearby . . . and husbands who have worked in their careers more than a year . . . and part-time jobs of their own, doing things they are passionate about and making money they can use to splurge for their wants (not to be confused with the friends I have who work to meet their NEEDS).  And I thought for 60 seconds that they somehow have it better.  But then I realized that it isn't about better or worse.  It's about them living their lives within their means, following what their heart tells them to do and me doing the same.  And at the end of the day, I only have to be at peace with and happy about MY decisions.  And right now Dave and I are CHOOSING to make the cut . . . . make all the cuts necessary to simply FOLLOW THE PROPHET and BE PREPARED!

Grandma, Tell Me 'Bout

I loved that song - Grandpa, tell me 'bout the good ol' days!  I'm standing in my grandma's kitchen, a picture of her in her good ol' and very young days staring back at me.  I went into her office tonight to borrow a few envelopes from her.  It's hard to cross the threshold into her world - because that is what those three rooms were: her entire world in an office, a bathroom, and a bedroom.  I looked at the pictures on the wall and wondered why she had them, where they came from, who had given them to her, why they meant enough to have a place on the walls of her sanctuary.  I thumbed through a few books on her desk - some very old titles, some more contemporary ones - and cried a bit as I thumbed through her old Book of Mormon.  I don't remember seeing her read that one for quite a while now - the print was much smaller than her larger Book of Mormon that laid on her bed or sometimes on her walker's tray and was read daily, no matter the time of day or night.  I found a few books that I had never heard of before but that obviously had some significance for her:

- All is Well: A book published in 1909.  In the front it says it is the fourth volume in the Primers of Peace "Don't Fret" Series. 
- On Your Way: A book published by Deseret Book Company in 1964 and addresses what the front cover calls, "the practical problems of leaving home, planning the way ahead, study, work, and living with others."
- Voice of Warning: A book by Parley P. Pratt that was written to help people discern between the voices of the world and the ways of the Lord as the tides of the times caused moral and spiritual things to wash away like sand and the Lord needed His people to be rocks on the shore that would not wash away.

You know, I don't know why she had these books on her computer stand, right in front of the chair she sat in day after day to do her needlework and make dolls or doll dresses or write birthday cards to each of the sisters in her church women's group as their birthdays rolled around.  I do not know who gave her these books and why she kept them.  I don't know if they belonged to her mother and were passed down to her or if they were gifts from friends or things she bought to give to her children.  I don't know how often she read them or what she gleaned from them each time she did.  And now, finding them today, I realized that I never will.  That chair is now empty.  Those books are now simply part of the estate to be dispursed as the executors see fit.  And they may be seen as just old books, maybe viewed as valuable because they are so old or as silly and garbage because they are so worn.  Not on purpose because the executors are frivolous or materialistic, but just because that is the way things go sometimes.  And no matter what they or I might think when we read them or see them, we will never know what she saw, what she felt, why she kept them there.  Were they in a predominant place so they could be remembered and found easily?  Or were they really stashed behind the sewing machine and mostly forgotten dust collectors?  I don't know.

I spent the better part of six months here in my grandma's house last year.  Half the year.  That's a long time.  She loved my children -- she gave them so much love and laughter and joy.  I ran across a note in her weight journal that talked about us coming one time and the twins walking in the door and running over and crawling up on her lap with Madison and her saying, "Let's have a party!"  I could just hear her say that and hear her laughter as I read it.  I could hear a lot of things as I remembered that day.  And then she wrote that she fell as she walked back down the hall to her room.  And my mom called the neighbor lady who was loading something in her car out front to come over and help me lift Grandma off the floor.  She wrote that it was a "Piece of cake."  I can hear her saying that with laughter to lighten what might have been a more perilous and serious situation at her age.  And we set her on her bed and went about our day - I think we might have even gotten food at Corona Village that night and brought it to her.  One of her favorite places to eat.

During the time I was here last year, my mom often told me she wanted me to sit and get Grandma to tell me stories about her life growing up.  And I would love to say I did it.  But I didn't.  I didn't.  I was too busy.  And whenever I would go in and stand in her room and talk to her for a few minutes, my ears and eyes were always half in the hallway and half in Grandma's room.  I know, I had two little tornadoes in a candy store of opportunities to discover and climb and break and turn inside out this entire house!  But I wish I had been a little more respectful of the fact that my grandma was old and was not going to be around forever and the day would come when I would want with everything inside of me to preserve and recreate for my children and their children who this wonderful woman was that gave me such a rich heritage!  I wish I had been a little less caught up in the moment and a little more wise to the context of time in the context of eternity.  But I wasn't.

And now all I can do is wish for each of us a little more conscious use of time and the fact that there is a beginning and an end for all of us that we cannot foresee or control.  It may be that today is all we have.  It may be that we have thousands of todays ahead of us.  And though it would be incredibly stupid and unhealthy to obsess over the fact that life has a beginning AND an end that we cannot determine the timing of, it would do us good to keep it in mind evey now and then.

And the other thing I have determined to do is to write down the memories that come to me of Grandma.  Because there are so many things she cannot tell me about from her life.  But there are things from my life that mixed with her life that I can leave for my children.  And then they will understand their rich heritage and the legacy they must continue to leave for generations to come.

I Want to Thank You for . . .

C'mon - you know the tune.  Sing it out loud -- "givin' me the best da-ays of my li-i-ife!  And O-oh, just to be with you is givin' me the best da-ays of my life."

Today I have gratitude on my mind and heart.  The power of thank you.  Such small words.  Such easy words.  Such life-changing, relationship-building, faith-instilling, gratifying words.  When was the last time you said them?  Are there thank-yous left unsaid in your life or heart right now?  So what if it was something that happened a month ago (or two or three or four or a few years)?  Does it come to your mind - to your heart?  Does it bring a smile to your face?  Do you find yourself remembering that your life was changed or improved or influenced when so-and-so said or did such-and-such or allowed you to say or do such-and-such?  Cuz my heart has been remembering lately.  And I find myself in need of saying a lot of over-due, unspoken thank yous.  I am sure I have a few to say to you -- but if you don't hear from me for a while, don't think I have forgotten you.  I just have a VERY.LONG.LIST I am working on!

Today, though - thank you for reading my blog.  Thank you for saying to me that I matter enough to you and am a significant enough part of your life that you think reading up on my life matters.  Thank you for missing me and wondering how I am doing and coming to check up.  Whatever your reason for being here today, thank you!  Thank you for making me feel indispensable for a small moment in your very busy life and schedule.  Thank you for commenting (on here or in your heart).  Thank you for being my friend. 

Whenever I start to think about gratitude, I am reminded of some thoughts I had a few years ago while reading a familiar story in the New Testament.  The story of the ten lepers who were healed, and only one went back to say THANK YOU. Christ had told all of them to go and show themselves to the priests -- the custom in that culture was that they weren't clean until the priests declared them clean -- and when they all left Christ to go to the priests, all were being obedient to that commandment/tradition.  However, where nine of them kept going -- following the law that said the priests had to declare them clean before they would actually be considered clean -- the Samaritan, who wasn't a full believer in the law or, therefore, bound by it, recognized who had already made him clean, regardless of what the priests said.  He immediately went and glorified God, GIVING THANKS.  That made him whole instead of just clean, because his faith was in the Savior and not the priests, the law, or the false traditions.  Did the others glorify God -- did they get to the priests and tell everyone that Jesus of Nazareth had healed them, thus recognizing His power?  We don't know -- maybe, maybe not.  But the Samaritan definitely did.

There are a couple of things that really stand out to me here:
1) What it means to glorify God. In the scripture Moses 1:39, God says, "This is my work and my glory, to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man." His glory comes from our exaltation.  So, God is glorified as we complete His purpose -- which takes in recognizing Christ as our Savior, keeping the commandments, repenting of our sins, loving and forgiving others, etc. This automatically glorifies us in the process, bringing us to a place where we can be, through the Savior, worthy of exaltation.  Ultimately - as with the ten lepers - we must love Him more than man; we must want to return to Him more than we want man's praise or traditions, or even to just coast through life enjoying the blessings He sends us.

2) If this is God's work and glory -- if our exaltation is what glorifies God -- GRATITUDE is essential.  Merely appreciating someone in your life and all they may do for you is not enough to bring you closer to them.  It's YOU expressing that appreciation that lets THEM feel your love and understand it and find comfort and joy in it and therefore feel closer to you even as you feel closer to them for the love they have shown you, the love and acts that have left your heart GRATEFUL. 

This applies to relationships with friends, co-workers, neighbors, the mailman, the garbage man, God, everyone!  Particularly with God.  Even if we do go out and glorify and praise Him and all He does for us to everyone in the world and never go back to Him - never converse with Him and work on building that relationship with Him - that relationship doesn't exist. I feel love for Him and He feels love for me, but that coming together is what creates and strengthens our relationship WITH each other. One huge point to life build that relationship with God and do what is necessary to return to our Father.  GRATITUDE shows our faith, helps us identify how He is blessing us, helps us see and feel His love in our lives, teaches us what our worth is, etc. and also builds that relationship.

Like I said, gratitude has been on my mind and heart.  I hope you feel that love between now and my more personal THANK YOU!  And I hope you find a few minutes today or this week or this month, whenever, to say a few thank yous of your own!

Irreplaceable

I am the kind of person who likes to leave a mark on everything I do.  I always dreamed of being the Keynote speaker, the inspiration to women on topics of motherhood, womanhood, child rearing, and patriotism (to name a few).  I love writing and would LOVE to publish a book someday.  I even have a few titles in mind: Perfection Walls or Garbage Bags and Bread Crumbs.  I really enjoy writing cute rhymes and hope to get back to a point where I can write and publish a few children's books - my imaginary friend Sir Belvis in his baggy MC Hammer pants, oversized baseball cap, and blue cadillac being the hero of my adventures and tales.  And I love to write music.  I have written a few songs and even been blessed to perform some of them, and maybe one day I'll get to publish a book of songs.  I would also LOVE to be part of an a capella group again someday (and I do mean L-O-V-E it!).  Add to that list my physical goals and desires, paramount being to run a marathon, maybe even ten or twelve and get to the point that I can actually compete in them and maybe even qualify for the Boston Marathon.  I would also love to run a Community Service/Community Action Youth Program someday, perhaps even putting into motion the program outline I began writing for a non-profit organization in Washington, D.C. before I gave it all up to get married to the man of my dreams.

Among my many wonderful memories that I have gathered in my mind's treasure box through the years is a memory of a three-year-old girl named Kathleen.  Kathleen was the oldest of three girls.  I used to babysit her and her sisters while her parents went to the temple.  I was amazed at how smart and on top of things she was!  She was a mini-me of her mother, and if her sisters hadn't learned lessons and life routines on their own yet, she filled in and often reminded them with things like, "No, Shara, remember Mommy says we don't eat anything until after we say a prayer."  I remember watching and listening to this young three-going-on-twenty-something and having the strongest feeling of awe and reverence come over me.  I thought, "Heaven help this family if anything ever happened to their mother!  And heaven help the woman that tried to fill Lisa's shoes.  She is irreplaceable to them.  And her shoes cannot be filled by anyone else."  I knew it was true.  They might enjoy me for a while, laugh with me, play with me, read books with me, play the piano and sing with me, but I was not and never could be their mother.  And all the things I was doing with them -- well, I was just going through the motions of the foundation their mother had already laid, and laid so well that it could not be easily shaken.

Many times in my life I have feared being replaced, not being an irreplaceable in roles and situations that will forever be one of a kind and irreplaceable to ME.  I have a great fear of passing through this life like the main character in Wit - hardly noticed and completely alone, having lived a life that was full of chasing dreams and aspirations that are ultimately no more meaningful than a name on a plaque or engraved in a cement bench in an empty park.  Before I got married, I even saw myself in Julia Roberts' role in Mona Lisa Smile - the successful, intelligent, innovative, passionate woman who was moving so quickly to accomplish and fulfill her own dreams that she missed out on relationships - chasing a dream that never left her with roots and branches. I am a friend who prizes sincerity first, last, and always.  I try not to say things I don't mean to merely flatter or feel good myself for having said it, intervened, been a "good" friend.  I try very hard to leave no message or phone call unanswered, unreturned. Most of this is because I want people to know they are important to me, and I hope to get the same reciprocity from my friends to know that I matter to them. 

This afternoon I put a movie on for Abby and Isaac to watch while I went in the kitchen and made pizza crust for our dinner "party" we had tonight with their old nursery teacher from church and her daughters.  As I turned to walk out of the room, Abby looked at me and said, patting to the sofa cushion next to her, "Mommy, sit by you?"  I told her just a minute, planning to quickly make the dough and then go sit by her while it rose for 15-20 minutes.  But it just so happened that I never did stop until long after the dough was made, dinner was served and finished, the company left, and my kids were in bed.  And here I sit with the memory of Kathleen and the sweet pleading eyes of Abby etched on my mind.

In her, I finally have my totally irreplaceable role!  No one else (hopefully) will ever be her mommy! And I know there are so many moments in each day when I can do better to make sure that she is getting the most out of me, that the unshakable foundation only I can give her is firmly in place!

A Little Inspiration Goes a LONG Way!!!

I thought this was awesome. So I wanted to share. To remember. To have something to look back on when I forget. Because anything is possible. If you really want it badly enough! (Except maybe choosing exactly WHEN your baby will come into the world. But that's a different story altogether!)

God's Family . . . My Family

I don't know if you've noticed or not, but I am celebrating FAMILY this month with some other fantabulous bloggers in the virtual world of the internet . . . and the anniversary of The Family: A Proclamation to the World.  Today's focus is on the fact that Family is CENTRAL to God's Plan of Happiness.  And He is central to OUR happiness.  Check out this post.  And now, my two bits (cuz you may have noticed that I ALWAYS have SOMETHING to say! ;-D):

This is actually really good for me to remember today.  There are a few things that I have had to work really hard for in my life -- MOTHERHOOD is at the TOP of that list.  Marriage is another.  Then there are those daily, weekly, hourly things that pop up and you deal with or simply put out of your mind for sanity's sake because you know you do not have and will not get answers right away, so there's no point dwelling on and worrying about them.  My friend Kristen once reminded me that "worrying does not empty tomorrow of it's troubles, it empties today of its strengths."  I try, TRY, try, T-R-Y to remember that. 

But of all the things that I have had to work hard for, work hard to achieve, to learn, to understand, to overcome, etc., there is one thing that has always been a part of me, always been so obvious and so real to me:  It is my knowledge that I am a daughter of God and that He loves me -- and my commitment to do anything to please Him and to make it back to His presence again some day.  I may not always remember this from day to day as I struggle along down the path of life, but I do ALWAYS -- and I mean always -- KNOW it! 

One of my favorite scriptures is where God is speaking to Moses and says, "For behold, this is my WORK and my GLORY -- to bring to pass the IMMORTALITY and ETERNAL LIFE of man."

Imagine that! I mean, really imagine it!  I'm an English major -- TWICE, crazy me -- and I know how important diction is to get your meaning across.  And God uses the words WORK and GLORY together.  What comes to mind when you think about, try to envision, the GLORY of God?  Words cannot express or describe, right?  And yet with all of that, He tells us that WE are His GLORY!!!  That our success . . . our receiving immortality and eternal life . . . is HIS life's GREAT WORK and is what brings Him His GLORY!!!  And can you see God WORKING on anything that isn't a SUCCESS?  I mean, He is GOD, after all -- and if He's working on it, He has ALL resources at His fingertips to make it a reality -- the GREATEST of which is the Atonement of Jesus Christ!

Now hopefully you won't feel so small today!

And when I think about my family, I realize that if that is what He is doing for me, that is what He is doing for my children -- HIS children. 

How is the FAMILY central to God's Plan of Happiness?  We are all the Family of God!  Individual families are just off-shoots, but collectively we ARE the children and FAMILY of God.  Nothing comes before or after that fact!  It's really ALL about family.  And HIS goal is to have HIS family -- every single one of His precious children -- back in His presence one day.  One HUGE and HAPPY family reunion!  (Who would want to miss THAT one?) 

And if I can hold onto THAT as I work to raise and rear and care for my off-shoot of God's family -- my branch of His marvelous Family Tree -- I can't help but know that HE is in it!  And after all I can do -- even all my mistakes and short-comings, try as I may -- HE will make up the difference for HIS children and make sure that THEIR needs are met so that they CAN return to Him.  Hard as it may be to imagine, He wants more for them than I do.  And He is much, much more capable of making that a REALITY than I will ever be!

You, too, by the way!  He's working for YOU today -- for YOUR success and happiness!  So, get to it! ;-D

One Week . . . .

Actually, it's been a little over a week and a half since I posted that there were 8 WEEKS until the end of the year and gave a holler for making/keeping some New Year's resolutions for 2009.  How are you doing?  I have to admit, I lost steam a bit!  YES, I DID!!!!  I'm only on 2 Nephi 26; I haven't sewn a bit on my tree skirt;  I've hmmmed and hahhhhed a bit over Isaac and Abby's memory books; and I don't even remember the rest off the top of my head.

BUT . . . .

I, like Molly Brown, am basically unsinkable!  I will prevail!  I will re-focus!  I will succeed!  And I will float the Success in '09 river in a cruise ship of my own making.  Just you wait and see . . . .

OH . . .

And there's plenty of room for YOU on that cruise ship as well!  Just so you know! ;-D

Don't Grow Up . . .

Dear Abby and Isaac,

Lately, I have had a really hard time with letting you grow up.  I look at your sweet, innocent faces; I realize how much more I wish I could have given you individually during the last year; I see the world you are entering all too soon; and I wonder if you are going to be prepared.

I want to go into your room sometimes and pull you out of your beds and just sit in the rocker and stroke your cute faces and revel in you in this moment for just a moment longer than the day will allow.  I wish you could talk to me and tell me all the things I'm not getting, all the things you ARE getting more than I know.  I wish I could transfer to your little minds and spirits all of the things I have a testimony of so you can START with that and keep going and going and going until you really GET it, really HAVE all the things you will need to face the battles and stumbling blocks and boulders Satan will put in your path in your lifetime.

I wonder what you are going to be like as teenagers, what you are going to be like as siblings, what kind of relationship we are going to have, and if I am going to have the love it will take to teach you to love . . . . charity, the pure love of Christ, for all people and in all situations . . . . and discernment to know when to give it and when to hold it back.  I wonder who you will date, what kind of a person you will choose to marry; and I want to sit and have popcorn and hot chocolate talk with you now and tell you all the things to watch out for and all the things to hope for.

I want to caress all the cares and worries of the world out of your faces, even though they aren't there yet.  And I want to help you keep every second of the wide-eyed wonder moments you have so many times each day.

More than anything, I hope you know I love you.  I hope you know, even when I make huge mistakes and hang on too tight and maybe even judge too quickly and react too harshly, that I love you more than anything and just want you to be happy and healthy and wise.

I hope you know how much I LOVE your dad, how much I admire and respect him and want very much for you to glean from all of the good that he has to offer and teach you.

I hope you know how much I love our Heavenly Father, how much I want you to know and love Him as I do and to desire first and foremost to return to His presence so that we can ALL be together forever!  I hope you know how much I am relying on Him to teach me all the things I need to know about YOU and to help me prepare you to do all the things He needs you to do and to have all the things He has in store for you in life.  I hope you know how much I love Jesus Christ, how much I appreciate and rely on Him EVERY DAY to make it possible for me to be the kind of mom you need and the kind of person that CAN walk with you back to Heavenly Father's presence; how much you will need to rely on Him EVERY DAY to make it through everything you will face in life and how much STRENGTH He will give you to do ALL THINGS.  I hope you realize with gratitude how much He is in the small things and He makes possible the joy, the happiness, the hope, the peace, the love, the end to suffering, to pain, to afflictions, to torments, to sin.

I hope you love the hymns!  I know your dad won't be singing solos in church or even in the shower any time soon, but I hope you smile every time you hear him sing off tune and that you always sing LOUD and CLEAR all the songs that we enjoy together now.  I hope you always pop, pop, pop when you hear Popcorn Popping and clap your hands when you hear If Your Happy and You Know It and smile and snuggle a bit closer every time you hear You Are My Sunshine and bob your head and bounce up and down when you hear any other number of songs.

I hope you love your bodies.  I hope you LOVE to move in them, to grow in them, to LIVE in them.  I hope you appreciate what a gift they are and that you get joy and strength from exercising and enhancing your physical ability to move, to breathe, to serve, to love, to reach out, to jump, to skip, to run, to lift, to give.  I hope you always make it a priority to nourish your body, to be mindful of its needs, to have the strength to keep your physical desires in check and to enjoy them when it's time to enjoy them and not over-indulge and have regrets (even one more cinnamon roll can be too much sometimes!).  I hope your physical appearance and choices always reflect who you are and what you stand for - truth, righteousness, joy, hope, eternal life.

I hope you love the prophet!  I hope you look forward to opportunities to receive further counsel and implement it in your lives, always hungering and thirsting to have and know and do more, always finding it a joy to do so.

I hope you love the Gospel and the Work that goes along with it, that you desire to serve and share this wonderful message about the atonement of the Savior and the Plan of Salvation and the Restoration of the Church of Jesus Christ and the translation of the Book of Mormon and the good news that Families CAN be together forever and don't have to be separated by death or illness or any number of other things.

I hope you will love the Temple, the House of the Lord; that you will long to be inside its walls and feel the peace you can only find there.  I hope you will rejoice in your covenants and feel that it is a privilege to be worthy to enter its doors.  And I hope you will make it a point to go there often, to look into eternity and find the strength to keep walking towards it, to find the strength to soak it up and bask in its warmth and peace and hope.

And I hope you will always dance, you will always sing, you will always LAUGH, you will always try to learn and get that gleam in your eye every time you do, you will always get frustrated that you can't do more, you will always be proud when you get that one thing you have been trying so hard to figure out for so long, you will always be beside yourself with joy when your dad or I walk in the room after a short (or long) absence, you will always feel safe to cry and to be disappointed sometimes and to forgive so easily and love so freely, you will always light up at the simple things, you will always find JOY in each moment of each day.

So I'll let you sleep tonight while I'm up thinking enough for both of us.  But please know how much I love you . . . and please don't ever grow up too much for that.

Eight Weeks

There are eight weeks until the end of 2009.  EIGHT WEEKS!

Know what I've been thinking?  I want to leave 2009 with some solid gold things that I can look back and see and say that I DID in 2009.  So I've come up with a short list:
1) Make a date file for weekly dates with my husband for 2010.
2) Make a memory book for each of my children of their first year of life.
3) Make a family memory book of things that have happened to us this year.
4) Read the Book of Mormon -- here's a 60-day schedule, so I'll have to read ahead a few days, but still! ;-D

I would LOVE to finish my tree skirt/mantle piece; but we'll just have to see how THAT goes.  I may add more later, but I think this is a good start!  I mean, we ONLY have eight weeks, right? ;-D

What unfinished New Year's Resolutions are left on your list?  Any you could still salvage -- I mean, seriously, folks, we have EIGHT WEEKS!!!!! :-)