Careful the Things You Say

Wowzer - has it been a LONG time since I posted ANYTHING about our family.  Shame. on. me. for getting so far behind.

First a couple of updates:
~ Brianna said her first prayer!  We were kneeling together as a family when suddenly I realized that she had just "hummed" a prayer with a few syllables added in for effect.  But the intonations were right on, right down to the drawn-out, "A-MEN!"  When we tell her to say her prayers, we usually keep it simple - to thank you, I love you, Amen.  So -- that was a FUN night!
~ Isaac has a few new Isaac-isms.  For one, he has started randomly stopping us during the day or night or whatever and saying, "Mom?" "Yes, Isaac?" "You know I love you the whole world?" "I love you, too, Isaac." "Yeah. I know."  He sounds so disinterested at that moment it is almost laughable!  Another favorite is he has started saying, "Don't freak out" or "Just don't freak out" in random conversation, in answer to unrelated questions, or just when he is playing with his sisters.  And it makes me laugh every single time.  I have even been prone to asking him multiple questions just to keep getting his answer in the same disinterested tone of voice he throws out there sometimes.
~ Abby has started really noticing everyone and everything -- and is sure to correct everyone when they do something that is "a bad choice" (including mom and dad).  She is one of those children I can count on to ALWAYS tell me the truth - even if she's in trouble for whatever it is she admits to.  And she has the most tender heart.  The other day while Isaac was sleeping, Brianna woke up and I took her into Abby's room to play quietly with her while Isaac finished his nap.  I said, 'Abby - Brianna wants to play with you!"  She got a really excited look on her face and said, "Mommy - and you want to play with me, too?"  I almost cried!  And absolutely went in to play with her!  Abby is totally and completely potty trained.  She'll even wake up sometimes to go potty and can be in a diaper all day and never go potty in it once!  She's pretty serious about it, actually, and pretty defiant when you even suggest that she went potty in her diaper.

And now for something I have really been thinking about lately.

I love words!  Love words!  Can you tell from reading my blog?  I am overly verbose to a fault, so much so that you might not guess how many times I thoughtfully review anything and everything I write before I post it for public eyes.  Sometimes I just write -- but I am also prone to censoring myself and editing myself to make sure I have not left any room for doubt or even criticism.  Not that that's entirely possible because I'm way more human than I like to admit and as imperfect as they come.  But I DO TRY.  I have been that way for longer than I can remember.

I would like to say that I do that because I don't want to offend.  But I think the bigger truth is that I don't want to be judged - to have something written that I can't take back, that might paint a negative (real) picture of me that I don't want other people to have or something that captures a time and a thought and a process in my life that even I don't want to remember.  Because I am -- totally and completely human and imperfect on even my best days.  On my mission, one of my companions called me on it and told me that I wasn't perfect.  I angrily told her that I KNEW I wasn't perfect, to which she calmly and lovingly replied, "Yes. But you don't accept it.  And therefore it keeps you from fully accepting the atonement of Christ for YOUR imperfections."

That hurt.  But it was a good hurt.

I have had many moments where my children bring this back to my attention -- how imperfect I am, that they are catching and ABSORBING everything I do, everything I say.  This came to me full-force this last weekend when I caught MYSELF saying that the kids were "freaking out" and it was driving me crazy.  I realized that "I" was the source of Isaac's new favorite phrase.  And it made me wonder how many times I had used it.  And what else I had said that he had been picking up on in pieces and would soon have so ingrained in his mind that it would become HIS phrase, HIS action, HIS attitude.  It was a sobering, sobering thought.

In the midst of this thought, I had an experience with a friend who posted a comment in a Facebook group and was completely ripped to shreds for her comment/opinion.  The aftermath was a twist and turn of events that got worse and worse as pieces were added and taken away from it.  But the context of that conversation left me pondering as much as the conversation itself.  A 14-year-old girl took her life this last weekend - and changed a family and community forever.

It took me back to a funeral I attended not long ago of a man I revered and admired in every possible way.  He had also taken his own life.  And the feelings surrounding that were difficult to grasp.  But the wise Stake President (church leader) who spoke at the funeral service shared a quote about how the battles raging in the quiet rooms of mens hearts are the greatest battles raging anywhere.  It was more eloquent than that, so I ask your forgiveness for not knowing or being able to locate the source and actual quote.  But I know that is a very true principle.  We do not, cannot, will not have the capacity to see into the great battles men and women fight inside their minds and hearts every single day.  And some people - myself included so many times in the last few years - are literally fighting every single day for their very souls, for their very lives, for every breath and step they take in a world that may never even know those battles exist or its effect on them.

So let me try and tie a bow on these jumbled and seemingly disconnected thoughts.

A song that has impacted me deeply from the moment I heard it is from the musical "Into the Woods."  There are MANY thought-provoking songs and one-liners in that musical, and it is very worth the time to watch it if you have no idea what I am talking about.  But there is one song that resonated in my soul, moved me to tears, and even gave me nightmares from the first time I heard it.

Careful the things you say, Children will listen.
Careful the things you do, Children will see. And learn.
Children may not obey, But children will listen.
Children will look to you For which way to turn, To learn what to be.
Careful before you say, "Listen to me." Children will listen.

Careful the wish you make, Wishes are children.
Careful the path they take-Wishes come true, Not free.

Careful the spell you cast, Not just on children.
Sometimes the spell may last Past what you see, And turn against you...

Careful the tale you tell. That is the spell.
Children will listen...


Though I would NEVER put another person's choices at the feet of those around them, I do think that every day of life we are given to live can be such a great gift to ourselves, our spouses, our children, our friends, our associates.  LIFE can be such a great gift.  And such a great opportunity. An opportunity to respect, to forgive, to build, to elevate, to encourage, to flood . . . with love. An opportunity to suspend harsh judgments, to suspend criticism and unkind words, to suspend doubt and fear, to suspend an expectation of perfection that no one can EVER live up to, not even those expecting it of themselves and others.  An opportunity to BE REAL about being real and give other people permission to be and do the same without fearing judgments and unrealistic expectations that set them up for failure every. single. time.  Our children are listening . . . and learning . . . and becoming TODAY! And the best news of all -- the very best news of all -- is that we are given a new day every day to be a little bit better than we were the day before. So I commit to you that I will try to use it more wisely -- and make today and every day, with all of my imperfections, a GIFT!

The Way of a Child: Unconditional, Forgiving Love

I wrote yesterday about what a hit the shiny mylar balloons were that I got for Abby and Isaac.  To say they loved those balloons with heart and soul would be an understatement!  They played with, ran with, sat with, hit back and forth with, and ultimately slept with those balloons.  And they held them during every activity they did today.

Then this afternoon, Isaac and Abby took their balloons outside to play for the third time today.  They had been fighting non-stop for the hour and a half before they went out, so I was hoping the outdoor air would help cool them down (and me take a time out to get sane).  They were running around and the balloons got tangled, for the third time.  But this time, instead of slowing down and getting them untangled, Isaac pulled really hard and started running away from Abby with both balloons.  Well, Abby caught up and pulled her balloon back, and before I could intervene, Isaac's balloon snapped off the ribbon and was gone. 

Oh boy did he cry over that one!  Each tear got less and less consolable as we watched that blue star slowly drift up into the sky until it was out of sight.  As his crying bordered hysteria, I told him we couldn't get it back, that it was going up to heaven so Great Grandma could play the balloon game with kids in heaven.  Great Grandma was famous for playing the balloon game with Abby and Isaac each and every visit.  But Isaac kept crying!!! 

He pleaded with me to get it back, saying that we needed Daddy to get it in his airplane -- that he loved and needed that balloon and to please have daddy get it in his airplane.  And then he cried some more. 

Abby tried consoling him, repeating my explanation that it was gone up to heaven with Great Grandma.  But it didn't help.  Then suddenly she said, "Isaac?  You want my bawoon?" 

Isaac, pausing for a minute as if to assess if she was sincere, said, ". . . Yeah." 

"Okay Isaac - you can have my bawoon, but no yet go, no go up to Great Grandma.  Okay, Isaac?"  As soon as he got it, the little stinker said, "Oops," and let go of the balloon.  Fortunately, it still had the weight on the end of it.  Abby immediately grabbed it, saying, "No - no, Isaac!  No yet it go up be Great Grandma!"  Then she paused just a millisecond before saying, "You want it back, Isaac?"  Isaac said, "Yeah." 

Abby reached out to give it to him with the instructions, "Okay - but hold tight, Isaac - not want be up in sky, no want be go Great Grandma, okay?" 

And then they played together for the first time in two hours!!!  And by played together, I mean they weren't fighting and screaming and hitting, and slamming doors in each other's faces -- they were just playing together and enjoying it.

I was so proud that Abby let him play with her balloon when just moments before he had lost his balloon while trying to keep Abby's balloon from her!  And I was even more proud of her that even when he deliberately tried to throw her balloon up to the sky because if he couldn't have one, she didn't get one either, instead of getting mad and keeping the thing he wanted from him, she showed compassion for how hurt his feelings were and immediately offered it again with the same instructions that he care for it as much as she would if she were holding it to keep it from flying up in the sky to be with Great Grandma!

Man, adults could learn SO MUCH from children sometimes, couldn't they?  Unfortunately, those who need to hear it the most will read it with people who have wronged them in mind, while those who have wronged them are also reading it with the people who wronged them in mind.  But the true grown-up acts like a child, and instead of seeing corrections that need to be made in others, they simply see a need and react to fill that need. 

It was definitely wrong for Isaac to selfishly try to throw away Abby's balloon -- but I don't think I can put into words what a grown-up and compassionate reaction she returned to him in returning the very valuable possession he had just tried to ensure neither of them would ever play with again!

I'm proud of you, Ab!  I hope you will always have that wisdom and compassion and always turn the other cheek and give yourself and others an opportunity to repent, to forgive, to forget, and to be best friends instead of misunderstanding and misunderstood enemies!!!

I've Reached That Point Again

I remember very vividly how I felt when I reached this point with the twins.  Up to that point, life had been crazy!  Everything felt stressful to me!  I dreaded them waking up and looked forward to them going to bed.  Every part of daily life and routines felt like a heavy chore that I was just trudging along to get through or looking for a reason to avoid.  I was exhausted.  I was overwhelmed.  I was out of ideas.

Then one day it just changed.  I don't remember what happened that made me make the change - but something happened.  I think I probably started reading my scriptures every morning and keeping a clean house and taking my vitamins and minerals and going to bed at a decent hour.  But I remember realizing one week that it had been a FABULOUS week!  I was enjoying my children immensely!  I looked forward to bathtime, story time, scripture time, singing time, playing time, meal time, all the time.  I was so calm and relaxed as I experienced every one of these things WITH my children and didn't just complete them FOR my children.  And when I felt that change, I left their room one night and shut the door and just stood there sobbing.  Everything about life was totally different.  Everything.

And yet I know that really I was the only thing that changed.

Here I am again, more than a year and another baby later.  And it has been a FANTASTIC month for me!  For the first time in over a year - everything feels so fantastic!!!  My house is in order like it hasn't been in order since I moved here - at least consecutively and consistently in order since I moved here.  I have more and more moments like last night where I don't feel like I'm at WAR with my children -- and I feel totally equipped to handle them, being in control of MY emotions and feelings and therefore the situation.  I have meals down pat!  I'm totally on top of cooking and cleaning and healthy eating in ways I've planned to the last detail to be for . . . forever!  I look forward to story time and song time and prayers.

And even cleaning up tonight was so much fun -- all of us were working together.  That little Abby is a TROOPER, a dynamite helper, and so independent it kills me sometimes that she's already there.  Isaac needs a little more help staying focused sometimes -- those darn toys just look too fun to put away without playing with them for just one moment longer!  But we get through that and he gets back into focus, and he's always the first to start singing the Clean Up song.  And even Brianna had fun while we cleaned, discovering the air purifier and pulling herself up to stand next to it and play with the buttons, startling and falling down when her curious face was met with a gust of air from the vent, and then pulling herself up again to try and figure it all out!  It was awesome for ALL of us!  The kids filled in the blanks with the rhymes in their books.  Isaac made up songs about whatever came to mind to the tune of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" and kept at it for more than a half hour after he got into bed.  And rather than be aggravated that he wasn't asleep already, I just enjoyed his lyrics and creativity and sat down the hall just listening to him sing his little heart out! (Dave, bless his heart, was exhausted from the Benedryl he took to combat the allergies that hit him like a load of bricks when he got back from his campout - or he would have been singing and having fun with us, too!)

I'm not going to pretend that every day is a Jolly Holiday with Mary "Mommy" Poppins around here.  Because it SO is not!  And I still have nights where I dread going to sleep because I simply don't have a thing on the agenda for the next day and know I have two energetic toddlers to try and teach and prepare and entertain and love and an infant who is catching up too quickly for my comfort.  And that in and of itself can be completely overwhelming!  I wish I had a "what to do with your children day by day, 365 days a year, from birth to 18-years-old: a parents complete guide to raising brilliant, responsible, kind, disciplined, hard-working, obedient, independent, spiritually-solid, confident, competent, talented, humble, gracious (and any other adjective you want to add along the way) children."

But then again, I have a feeling that such a book would lead to me being an absolute nervous wreck of a mother for the rest of my childrens' lives.  Because I really think that my literal change of heart comes when I stop trying to fit into a day what everyone else says or thinks I should, when I stop feeling that everyone is looking at me and judging me and finding me wanting in every possible way.  When I let go of the should be's and would be's and could be's and just let myself work through and laugh at and appreciate and value and ENJOY what IS -- messy, clean, tantrums, food fights, scary dinosaurs that hiss at the people behind us in church, looks that could kill someone who's been dead for 50 years, hugs, apologies, gratitude, I love you's, please-and-thank-yous, the WHOLE gammit -- I find JOY in the JOURNEY!  And when that happens, I find that my children find JOY in ME!  And then I'm more prepared and inclined to naturally do . . . better.

Banana Mixed with Banana Chocolate Chip

Tonight Isaac had a hard time falling asleep.  Maybe it was to do me a favor because Dave is on a campout with the Young Men/Scouts in our ward and I was NOT looking forward to a night all by myself.  But whatever it was . . . it was pretty intense.  But that's Isaac.  First he cried and cried and cried.  Then he cried.  Then he screamed.  Then he cried.  And he woke Brianna up every single time.  So finally I went in, armed and dangerous.

Then I remembered that kids meet you in the same attitude/voice you take to them and decided to take it down a few notches.  He said he was hungry, and though I didn't really believe him, after an hour and a half of weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth and really, really, really wanting to put his sister to bed for the LAST time of the night, I caved.  I had two quick/non-messy foods in the kitchen: a banana and a banana chocolate chip muffin that didn't rise when I baked it because I opened the oven to "check" on it, and it therefore has lasted a few days in a ziploc bag on my counter.  I took both.

He opted for the banana.  Perfect.  I left it with him and . . . left.

Just as I got Brianna back to sleep --- BAM!  Screaming, crying, more weeping, wailing, gnashing of teeth. And an echo of it from Brianna who was once again disrupted in our every attempt to get her some sleep.

Again, I went in armed and ready for a fight.  And again the voice in my head - love that voice sometimes - warned me to take it easy and set the tone.  Firm but kind. In control of my emotions and the situation but loving and caring and wanting to understand what he really needed so we could ALL get some sleep tonight.

So I grabbed the previously-rejected muffin and went back into his room with it.  To find the uneaten banana sitting on his pillow and a very worn-out little boy tired to tears and not even capable himself of knowing what he needed.  Or so I thought. I got him back in bed, told him that if he was hungry, he would eat the banana, but he would do it in bed.  The LAST thing I needed was him thinking he could use hunger to get out of bed/out of his room and repeat performances in pursuit thereof ALL NIGHT LONG!

Just then Brianna started to cry.  Isaac told me she was crying and I said I heard her; then he said, "Mommy, cuddle Isaac's pillow."  I thought he meant he wanted Brianna to lay with him for a minute because sometimes when I go in to say goodnight with her in my arms, I'll lay her beside him for a minute to cuddle and say goodnight.  I told him that tonight was not a good night for that, Brianna was having a hard time, everyone was tired, and he just needed to eat the banana and muffin and go to bed.  We argued for a minute about whether or not HE was actually tired.  Then he looked at me, red-faced and puffy-eyed from crying for SO LONG, and repeated, "Mommy, cuddle on Isaac's pillow a minute."  I said, "Isaac - you want me to cuddle with you?"  He said yes.  I said, "Honey, I can't - I'm too big to lay in your bed with you."  He said, "No - not too big, Mommy!  I need you cuddle a minute."

I laid my head on his chest and repeated that I was too big but I loved him.  He wrapped his arm around my head and pulled me to him as hard as he could and said, "I love you, Mommy!"  I laid there for a minute, rubbing his back to calm him down, the smell of the banana he was eating and the muffin on his pillow filling my senses -- the tight squeeze of his arm every time he thought I might be lifting my head pulling on my heartstrings.  I finally did lift my head, but he said, "Mommy - please cuddle Isaac's back again!"  So I laid my head back on his chest and rubbed his back again as he finished his banana.

Then Brianna's screams bordering hysteria brought me back to reality, and I told him I absolutely had to go to Brianna and to please finish his food and go to sleep.  He said okay - we said one last I love you - and I left the room.

I'm recording this tonight - in my usual TMI/overly-verbose detail, because I hope that smell -- those smells -- always bring this memory back to me.  On so many levels I don't ever want to forget this night when the voice in my head got me to a point to be there when my little boy melted my heart, asked me to cuddle with him for a minute, pulled me tightly to his chest, and said from the depths of his heart, "I love you, Mommy!"  And - in spite of the voices in my head shouting at me about tooth decay and food in bed and giving in to even two-hour-long crying spells - I'm glad I listened to the one that got me to be there with calm, controlled kindness and love.  It doesn't get much better than that, does it?

Life's Desserts

I've been thinking about some things this morning.  I have three amazing kids! They all came at times and in seasons that I probably would not have picked.  But I am seeing more and more each day the WISDOM and PERFECT ORDER of each of those times and seasons . . . and of each of our children joining and creating our family.  But there are those moments . . . .

At the Easter Egg hunt last week, I LONGED . . . LONGED . . . to be a volunteer coordinator again, planning community events and projects like that and at the front lines and cross roads heading it all up and basking in the joy I knew I was making possible for those kids to have.  In fact, in this large metropolis that is really a distant extension of L.A., there are SO MANY needs in the community that I wish I could be a part of fulfilling.  And whenever I drive by the college I think about how much FUN it would be to teach again . . . or even tutor people who need extra help . . . because I know I am GOOD at those things.  And they make my heart sing!  I'm working on pinning it down to one thing I CAN do - through service somewhere once a month or once a week - but the time.  The time involved.  The time and opportunity and the time necessary to find the opportunity.  And then finding something to do with my kids while I TAKE the opportunity.  It gets complicated.

In the midst of all of this, I had the thought -- what if I just had one child.  Or what if I had a part-time job.  Or what if I had successfully put off having children and didn't have any right now . . . .

And then I picked Brianna up off the floor where she had been contently, even excitedly, playing with . . . a sock and a measuring cup.  And she started kicking her legs and flapping her arms and smiling and even laughed in glee as soon as I picked her up.  And in came her wide-open mouth up to my cheek to give me a kiss as I pulled her in for a hug.  And down the hall, the twins came running in -- Abby running away from Isaac as they played tag (except she always shuts the door behind her so he can't get her -- I guess she's still learning that doors aren't really a part of the game of tag).  They were both laughing hysterically, Abby half-dressed with her shirt on backwards (because she dresses herself these days and is VERY adamant about it) enjoying every second and calling to me to protect them!

And my heart smiled.  And took a picture. The other things . . . those are pictures I already have in my heart . . . or even pictures I have plenty of time to take someday.  But these children.  These pictures.  These only happen now.  These are irreplaceable.  These aren't planned or budgeted in or even aptly recorded more than in my heart and mind most of the time.  And they are fleeting . . . so fleeting!  And when they are through, I will have created more than a moment . . . but a life.  A life that will live a lifetime and beyond.  A life that will affect other lives.  And create other lives.  Right now I have three of them, actually -- and that's a lot of living I need to be concerned with right now!  That's a lot of time I need to be focused on right now.

So I typed this as my Facebook Status: 

If we didn't have 3 kids, we would have a lot more money and time to do things like game nights, hobbies, working out, backpacking, vacations, traveling, date nights OUT, cruises, gadgets, new clothes --- we would have a LOT LESS smiles, laughs, hugs, slobbery kisses, adoration, emulation, discoveries you take for granted every day, perspective, hilarious one-liners, water fights, dirt fights, "I yuv you may much!" and other things that melt your heart 1,000 times over, tickle fights that make your sides hurt even if you AREN'T a part of them (not to mention your EARS!), cuddles and snuggles to your heart's desire, story time whenever you want, snack time five to six times a DAY, the list is endless. The trade-off? TOTALLY worth it. And those other things - there's a time and a season for everything!

"If dinner was always dessert, what joy would dessert hold?"  Originally I thought of that in terms of all the things I was missing right now as I focus on my dinner and long for my dessert.  But then my heart took a picture that reminded me that these kids are a lifetime of desserts.  Dinner is the daily grind . . . necessary, but not necessarily monumental or memorable most days of the week.  The rest of the things that my kids are and bring to me . . . that's all desserts.  And I need dinner to really appreciate them.  So I'll bask in and be thankful for both!

Life is like Hair Follicles

In other news, I would like to record that after 32 long years of fighting pokey hair and horns, David FINALLY learned how to comb his hair!  We are SOOOO proud of him! Hahahahahahaha! 

In all seriousness, though, he said he was standing in front of the mirror yesterday, fighting with getting enough gel in his hair to get his spike to stay down in the back when he thought, "I wonder what would happen if I parted it and combed it the other way."  Know what happened?  It stayed that way.  All day.  All night, too.  All these years he has been going against the grain, and his hair NEVER conformed! And now we know why.

I was thinking about how much that pertains to LIFE.  How often do we spend a TON of time, energy, money, etc. trying to make something in our lives go the way we think it should go?  When in reality, it was never meant to go that way.  We try this product and that product, this spray and that spray, and surely this one is what will finally make it be what we want it to be.  But the fix is so much simpler than that - just let it be, comb it the other way. 

Unfortunately for David, and for many of us, he wasn't trying to make it something it wasn't.  He just simply didn't realize what it was.  And as soon as he did and went along with what it WAS, everything went smoothly!  Something he had spent YEARS trying to control ended up being something he had spent years trying to change - and once he tapped into it for what it was, VIOLA!  PRESTO!  No more problem.  No more expensive products. No more too-short hair cuts just to keep it from being a problem.  No more hat days just to hid the spike!

I'm only sorry he didn't learn earlier that his hair GREW in the opposite direction and would never comb the way he was trying to comb it without a spike!  Too bad he never had anyone come along with the expertise in "hair follicles" to tell him he was simply combing it the wrong way.  It would have been easier - gotten rid of one extra stress (albeit a small stress - it was still a stress for YEARS) in his life.

Another lesson for life - some simple solutions just have to be learned in time.  No one else can point them out.  No one else can discover the problem or create the change. Learn what IS and let it BE! ;-D

Some Pining Moments, Some Shining Moments

Today I'm missing the simple days, the simple things, the simplicity of life back when we couldn't wait to get through it because it was all going to "get easier and be better." (I tried to warn him that wasn't the case! But when he makes his mind up about things, he is one.determined.man.) :-) We had fewer bills, fewer commitments, fewer distractions, fewer worries, fewer miles between us every day.  We played more games, went on more walks, talked more often, worked together on more projects, met more often in the middle of the day just because, laughed more often, cooked together more often, ate together more often.  We had more friends, more opportunities for service just laid at our feet, more feeling like we were needed and a part of something bigger than just us, more hikes, more campouts.  We had fewer children, which meant less joy on the one hand because Brianna has blessed our lives beyond measure or expression, but we were also equally yoked to the task of the children we DID have, and therefore able to do more individually and together than what we are able to do as easily now.  And we had more opportunities to go to the temple (Dave's sister lives in Spokane).

And as I think about these things, I am reminded of the verse of scripture written by Alma, an ancient prophet whose writings are recorded in the Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Christ.  Alma begins by saying that he wishes he were an angel and could speak with the trump of God to cry repentance and God's plan of redemption to all people, telling them to come unto God and thereby avoid the sorrow that comes when we do not follow Christ and His ways.  Then he says, "But behold, I am a man, and do sin in my wish; for I ought to be content with the things which the Lord hath allotted unto me."

So today as I am remembering DIFFERENT times, I am reminding myself that they were not BETTER times.  And that where I am now, even though I may seek for righteous things and memories and friends, etc., well I can make the same mistake I made before in longing for a future something that I thought would bring me joys greater than my present something.  Or I can be content with the time and circumstances allotted to me NOW!

And one thing experience has taught me is that today's pining moments may easily be tomorrow's longed-for regrets.

I have a song from the LDS hymnal running through my head as I write this.  The words are:

Improve the shining moments,Don’t let them pass you by;
 Work while the sun is radiant;Work, for the night draws nigh.
 We cannot bid the sunbeams to lengthen out their stay; 
Nor can we ask the shadow to ever stay away.
  

Time flies on wings of lightning, we cannot call it back;
 It comes, then passes forward along its onward track;
 And if we are not mindful,The chance will fade away; 
For life is quick in passing—’Tis as a single day.
 
As winter time doth follow the pleasant summer days, 
So may our joys all vanish, and pass far from our gaze.Then should we not endeavorEach day some point to gain,That we may here be useful,And ev’ry wrong disdain. 

Improve each shining moment;In this you are secure,
 For promptness bringeth safety,And blessings rich and pure.

Let prudence guide your actions,

be honest in your heart,

And God will love and bless you,

And help to you impart.

Among the shining moments of today was a moment this morning.  I had just finished dressing Brianna and, as is our custom with our children, said, 'Look, Daddy!' To which Daddy always replies, "Wow!  You're so pretty (handsome!)!"  So today, after I said my line and Dave said his, Isaac (who was just getting his diaper changed before getting dressed for church) jumped up and ran over to where I was holding Brianna up and gave her the sweetest little side hug all while saying in a high-pitched and very sweet voice, "Brianna - are you pretty, cute girl?  Huh, Brianna?  So pretty?"  It was such a tender moment!

We made cookies for a friend in the ward who just had surgery this last week, and the twins drew cards with their handprints and beautiful scribbles on them, me writing Get Well, Love Abby across the top of one and Soon, Love Isaac across the top of the other.  Then we made another card/plate of cookies for our bishop who was home sick from church today.

And with the recent increase in cookie-making around here, I would like to report that Isaac has learned to share.  After I told him no he couldn't have any more cookies a couple of times (like at least five) and then left the room to work on something else for a minute, Dave reported that Isaac found his way into the office, cookie in hand, tore it into two pieces, and dutifully shared 1/2 of it with his sister before Dave and I caught onto what he was doing and the fact that he had just climbed up onto the counter and TAKEN the largest cookie there!  He's a slick little thief!  And he shared!  *ohhhhhhh*  I'm sure that was part of his cookie-napping scheme -- disobey mom with sugar on top of the disobedience: she isn't going to punish you for sharing! ;-D He's smart -- just brilliant!

Oh, and today during Sacrament Meeting he was sitting on my lap when they passed the sacrament around (bread and water in remembrance of the blood and body of Christ).  He said, "Mommy, more bread, please."  I shook my head silently.  He continued, "Mommy, more sandwich."  I said, "Isaac - it's not a sandwich, it's the Sacrament." I was CERTAIN he would get that it was SPECIAL and stop asking with such an explanation, right?  He didn't hesitate a second before saying, "Mommy, more Sacrament, please."  Cute, cute, cute little man!!!

I Want to Thank You for . . .

C'mon - you know the tune.  Sing it out loud -- "givin' me the best da-ays of my li-i-ife!  And O-oh, just to be with you is givin' me the best da-ays of my life."

Today I have gratitude on my mind and heart.  The power of thank you.  Such small words.  Such easy words.  Such life-changing, relationship-building, faith-instilling, gratifying words.  When was the last time you said them?  Are there thank-yous left unsaid in your life or heart right now?  So what if it was something that happened a month ago (or two or three or four or a few years)?  Does it come to your mind - to your heart?  Does it bring a smile to your face?  Do you find yourself remembering that your life was changed or improved or influenced when so-and-so said or did such-and-such or allowed you to say or do such-and-such?  Cuz my heart has been remembering lately.  And I find myself in need of saying a lot of over-due, unspoken thank yous.  I am sure I have a few to say to you -- but if you don't hear from me for a while, don't think I have forgotten you.  I just have a VERY.LONG.LIST I am working on!

Today, though - thank you for reading my blog.  Thank you for saying to me that I matter enough to you and am a significant enough part of your life that you think reading up on my life matters.  Thank you for missing me and wondering how I am doing and coming to check up.  Whatever your reason for being here today, thank you!  Thank you for making me feel indispensable for a small moment in your very busy life and schedule.  Thank you for commenting (on here or in your heart).  Thank you for being my friend. 

Whenever I start to think about gratitude, I am reminded of some thoughts I had a few years ago while reading a familiar story in the New Testament.  The story of the ten lepers who were healed, and only one went back to say THANK YOU. Christ had told all of them to go and show themselves to the priests -- the custom in that culture was that they weren't clean until the priests declared them clean -- and when they all left Christ to go to the priests, all were being obedient to that commandment/tradition.  However, where nine of them kept going -- following the law that said the priests had to declare them clean before they would actually be considered clean -- the Samaritan, who wasn't a full believer in the law or, therefore, bound by it, recognized who had already made him clean, regardless of what the priests said.  He immediately went and glorified God, GIVING THANKS.  That made him whole instead of just clean, because his faith was in the Savior and not the priests, the law, or the false traditions.  Did the others glorify God -- did they get to the priests and tell everyone that Jesus of Nazareth had healed them, thus recognizing His power?  We don't know -- maybe, maybe not.  But the Samaritan definitely did.

There are a couple of things that really stand out to me here:
1) What it means to glorify God. In the scripture Moses 1:39, God says, "This is my work and my glory, to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man." His glory comes from our exaltation.  So, God is glorified as we complete His purpose -- which takes in recognizing Christ as our Savior, keeping the commandments, repenting of our sins, loving and forgiving others, etc. This automatically glorifies us in the process, bringing us to a place where we can be, through the Savior, worthy of exaltation.  Ultimately - as with the ten lepers - we must love Him more than man; we must want to return to Him more than we want man's praise or traditions, or even to just coast through life enjoying the blessings He sends us.

2) If this is God's work and glory -- if our exaltation is what glorifies God -- GRATITUDE is essential.  Merely appreciating someone in your life and all they may do for you is not enough to bring you closer to them.  It's YOU expressing that appreciation that lets THEM feel your love and understand it and find comfort and joy in it and therefore feel closer to you even as you feel closer to them for the love they have shown you, the love and acts that have left your heart GRATEFUL. 

This applies to relationships with friends, co-workers, neighbors, the mailman, the garbage man, God, everyone!  Particularly with God.  Even if we do go out and glorify and praise Him and all He does for us to everyone in the world and never go back to Him - never converse with Him and work on building that relationship with Him - that relationship doesn't exist. I feel love for Him and He feels love for me, but that coming together is what creates and strengthens our relationship WITH each other. One huge point to life build that relationship with God and do what is necessary to return to our Father.  GRATITUDE shows our faith, helps us identify how He is blessing us, helps us see and feel His love in our lives, teaches us what our worth is, etc. and also builds that relationship.

Like I said, gratitude has been on my mind and heart.  I hope you feel that love between now and my more personal THANK YOU!  And I hope you find a few minutes today or this week or this month, whenever, to say a few thank yous of your own!

Irreplaceable

I am the kind of person who likes to leave a mark on everything I do.  I always dreamed of being the Keynote speaker, the inspiration to women on topics of motherhood, womanhood, child rearing, and patriotism (to name a few).  I love writing and would LOVE to publish a book someday.  I even have a few titles in mind: Perfection Walls or Garbage Bags and Bread Crumbs.  I really enjoy writing cute rhymes and hope to get back to a point where I can write and publish a few children's books - my imaginary friend Sir Belvis in his baggy MC Hammer pants, oversized baseball cap, and blue cadillac being the hero of my adventures and tales.  And I love to write music.  I have written a few songs and even been blessed to perform some of them, and maybe one day I'll get to publish a book of songs.  I would also LOVE to be part of an a capella group again someday (and I do mean L-O-V-E it!).  Add to that list my physical goals and desires, paramount being to run a marathon, maybe even ten or twelve and get to the point that I can actually compete in them and maybe even qualify for the Boston Marathon.  I would also love to run a Community Service/Community Action Youth Program someday, perhaps even putting into motion the program outline I began writing for a non-profit organization in Washington, D.C. before I gave it all up to get married to the man of my dreams.

Among my many wonderful memories that I have gathered in my mind's treasure box through the years is a memory of a three-year-old girl named Kathleen.  Kathleen was the oldest of three girls.  I used to babysit her and her sisters while her parents went to the temple.  I was amazed at how smart and on top of things she was!  She was a mini-me of her mother, and if her sisters hadn't learned lessons and life routines on their own yet, she filled in and often reminded them with things like, "No, Shara, remember Mommy says we don't eat anything until after we say a prayer."  I remember watching and listening to this young three-going-on-twenty-something and having the strongest feeling of awe and reverence come over me.  I thought, "Heaven help this family if anything ever happened to their mother!  And heaven help the woman that tried to fill Lisa's shoes.  She is irreplaceable to them.  And her shoes cannot be filled by anyone else."  I knew it was true.  They might enjoy me for a while, laugh with me, play with me, read books with me, play the piano and sing with me, but I was not and never could be their mother.  And all the things I was doing with them -- well, I was just going through the motions of the foundation their mother had already laid, and laid so well that it could not be easily shaken.

Many times in my life I have feared being replaced, not being an irreplaceable in roles and situations that will forever be one of a kind and irreplaceable to ME.  I have a great fear of passing through this life like the main character in Wit - hardly noticed and completely alone, having lived a life that was full of chasing dreams and aspirations that are ultimately no more meaningful than a name on a plaque or engraved in a cement bench in an empty park.  Before I got married, I even saw myself in Julia Roberts' role in Mona Lisa Smile - the successful, intelligent, innovative, passionate woman who was moving so quickly to accomplish and fulfill her own dreams that she missed out on relationships - chasing a dream that never left her with roots and branches. I am a friend who prizes sincerity first, last, and always.  I try not to say things I don't mean to merely flatter or feel good myself for having said it, intervened, been a "good" friend.  I try very hard to leave no message or phone call unanswered, unreturned. Most of this is because I want people to know they are important to me, and I hope to get the same reciprocity from my friends to know that I matter to them. 

This afternoon I put a movie on for Abby and Isaac to watch while I went in the kitchen and made pizza crust for our dinner "party" we had tonight with their old nursery teacher from church and her daughters.  As I turned to walk out of the room, Abby looked at me and said, patting to the sofa cushion next to her, "Mommy, sit by you?"  I told her just a minute, planning to quickly make the dough and then go sit by her while it rose for 15-20 minutes.  But it just so happened that I never did stop until long after the dough was made, dinner was served and finished, the company left, and my kids were in bed.  And here I sit with the memory of Kathleen and the sweet pleading eyes of Abby etched on my mind.

In her, I finally have my totally irreplaceable role!  No one else (hopefully) will ever be her mommy! And I know there are so many moments in each day when I can do better to make sure that she is getting the most out of me, that the unshakable foundation only I can give her is firmly in place!

Improve the Shining Moments

Abby woke up at midnight, screaming and crying like she was in immense pain.  I watched her, trying to figure out what was going on as she writhed around from the left to the right, onto her stomach, onto her back.  Then I noticed that she was bending her leg back and forth and holding it and letting it go every time she moved into a new position.  I grabbed some Pain-a-Trate to put on it and explained I was going to put some medicine on her leg to help it feel better.  She started to SCREAM and cry like, "No - don't touch my leg, Mommy!  Don't touch my leg!"  I finally held it down and got the cream on, and then she realized that it was helping and it was okay.  But she kept crying.  I asked if she needed some more medicine and she said yeah through her sobs.  Then I went to get some ice and she screamed at me for leaving.  I finally picked her up and carried her in to lay with Grandma while I looked at her leg in the light to see how bad it was. 

She had a pretty intense bruise -- I'm pretty sure she got her leg wedged between two spokes in her toddler bed.  And we got her settled down fairly quickly with some ice on her leg and some tylenol.  But she still wanted Mommy to go and lay her down in her bed; she didn't want to lay on the sofa and cuddle with Grandma.

I laid her down and sang her some songs.  When I sang "I Love to See the Temple" to her, her eyes lit up, litterally sparkled, and she began to sing along with me.  And, dear friends, I truly cannot capture in words the magic of that moment.  It was like we connected, spirit to spirit.  And with all of the ups and downs and ins and outs and changes and adjustments that have happened in the last six months, it was a moment I realized I used to have quite often and have since really missed.  Abby and I were so close that I was sad to find I was having another little girl instead of a boy because Abby was my little girl.  And I have felt a distancing from my independent toddler who wants to do everything herself and seldom accepts or acknowledges a need for Mommy's help.  In fact, when I try to help her, she usually pitches a fit and pushes me away. 

And in that moment in her room, her eyes lit up and our spirits speaking to each other, she was my little Abby girl and I was her Mommy.  And I cried.  I told her to close her eyes and go to sleep, and she immediately complied.  And I knelt there beside her and held her little hand and tried through choked-up tears to hum the temple song to her one more time.  Mostly because I wasn't ready to let that moment go.

Carpe diem, my friends!  Seize the day!  Improve the shining moments - don't let them pass you by!

I was thinking as I drifted off to sleep about the fact that there are only three months left to the year.  And I thought of a few things I can do, a few goals in small doses that I could accomplish, between now and then to finish this year with a BANG!!!  Because of my Mommy 15 blog, I usually think of things in doses of 15 -- like 15 minutes or 15 days or whatever.  And I determined that I need to find a way to have 15 minutes each day of quality, one-on-one, spirit connecting with spirit time with each of my children.  I need to take control and MAKE that a reality in our lives.  And I think they need me to do that as well.  And 15 minutes isn't much, right?  Espeically if I can get Dave in on it and set aside thirty minutes when we each take 15 minutes with each child to celebrate and relax and connect with them without the daily grind struggles and power struggles and messes and stress that sometime cut into our ability to see and feel each other.

Improve the shining moments!  Don't let them pass you by!

Icing on the Cake

Would you like some ROLL with that FROSTING?

So I know I am probably crazy, but I have this thing with cinnamon rolls.  See, I have been disappointed by almost EVERY store-bought cinnamon roll I have ever eaten (and even some homemade ones).  Why?  It just seems like they pack on OODLES and OODLES of frosting.  Not that I'm not a fan of frosting, but it always seems to me that a cinnamon roll that can't stand on its own feet . . . that needs frosting in order to taste good (and TONS of frosting at that) . . . is just not a cinnamon roll worth eating.

The same goes for ketchup.  I mean, if whatever you are eating needs KETCHUP smothered all over it in order to TASTE good, you aren't eating a good piece of (fill in the blank).  Like a hamburger, french fries, eggs, the list goes on.

Things like frosting and ketchup (which I really could live without and never miss for even one day) are SUPPOSED to be the "icing on the cake" that ENHANCES the goodness of what is already there; not the frosting on the cinnamon rolls that HIDES what the rolls themselves are lacking.

And tonight, I kind of think that this principle applies to a LOT of things.  I'm thinking about some legislation right now that probably shouldn't have passed and was covered by WAY TOO MUCH frosting; but I might just as soon be thinking about employment, relationships, activities, education, and any other number of things.

If it's lacking in substance . . . no amount of frosting is going to change that.

You can't fix a broken marriage by spending a lot of money on expensive gifts, trips, toys, etc.  It's just empty calories going into a malnourished situation.

I was also thinking about this in terms of dating.  Mostly post-marriage. (Cuz who hasn't heard enough about dating PRE-marriage . . . or more than enough sometimes? ;-D)  Maybe even particularly for people who have been married for 10 or 15 or 30 or 50 years. (Cuz again, we all get the advice to date as newlyweds and new parents; but what happens to dating for empty- or almost-empty-nesters?)

If you want to have a happy and successful marriage, one that will more than stand the test of time (but actually EXCEL in it) and all eternity, you can't fill it with a bunch of frosting.  It's going to get old.  It's going to leave you empty and craving and longing for something more.  It's going to leave you disappointed and wishing you hadn't even taken that first bite that left you just HAVING to eat more and more, TRYING to get some sort of satisfaction out of it, but ultimately feeling DISAPPOINTED, discouraged, EMPTY.

Some advice I've been thinking about (mostly that I received or heard others receive at SOME point in my life) to avoid the frosting trap and instead have an amazing cake with JUST the right amount of ENHANCING icing:

1) NEVER stop dating!  Yes, you -- you who are in your 50s and your kids are gone and you spend a lot of time on the road being grandma or throwing yourself into work and hobbies, rarely coming together with your spouse for more than a movie or dinner in a restaurant.  Yes, YOU -- you who have been married for five years and gotten so stuck in the daily grind and living on a budget that you don't even think about dating each other any more.  NEVER NEVER NEVER stop dating!  When Dave and I got married, our dear friend and Stake President counseled us to ALWAYS remember why we fell in love to begin with, what we did during that magical time, and to make sure we never lost it!!!  That is AMAZING advice (and talking about it/reminiscing sounds like a GREAT date-night idea to me!!!).

2) Think outside of the box.  I mean, how many times can you go out to dinner or see a movie (especially TODAY'S amazing media selection) without those days soon turning into LOTS AND LOTS of frosting?  Or maybe your movie night is a game night . . . and you play games all the time, so much so that it is normal, not special or a stretch in any way.  Remember when you first started dating and you used to get really creative about asking someone out on a date and/or responding when someone asked YOU on a date (maybe it's just an Idaho/Utah thing)?  Remember how much fun it was to plan and prepare every step of the way, all the time anticipating how much THE OTHER PERSON was going to enjoy it and get a KICK out of it?  Not to mention the fact that YOU ALREADY WERE!!!  Reading a book together or having a candlelight picnic in your living room or playing the Wii or doing a workout video together can all be REALLY fun and REALLY fulfilling activities IN THEIR TURN.  You just have to make sure they aren't the EVERY DAY things that you just CALL DATE NIGHT because they are typically labeled as "date ideas."

Dave's FAMOUS Chocolate Cake (a Curry Family SECRET Recipe)

3)  Cover your bases.  I was listening to a Christian radio station a few months ago, and the pastor/preacher was talking about unity in marriage.  He said that you have to make sure you maintain and fuel your marriage intellectually, physically, spiritually, and emotionally.  If you leave any ONE of those things out (legs on a table, you might say), your marriage will dwindle (your table is going to fall over).  So if you do a lot of the SAME things, look at the big picture of what you are trying to do and become together.  And re-envision what it will take to get there.  And cover ALL of your bases.  Read a book together.  Exercise together.  Cook together.  Talk about your eternal potential and how you are going to move towards achieving it THAT VERY WEEK.  Talk.  Laugh.  Play.  Love.  Learn how to recover your furniture and do a project together.  Go to the temple together once a month.  And don't leave anything out.  Cover your bases!  Bake a cake that could stand on its own because it has the PERFECT amount of all of the necessary ingredients (but will be oh so much better with a little bit of frosting)!

4) Just DO it!  Nike has it right!  In the end, you can talk about it, plan for it, prepare for it, complain about it, listen to talks on tape about it, slander your husband to your girlfriends for not doing it, etc.  But what it all comes down to is that you have to just DO it.  Just DATE!!!  Just make time!!!  Just make it happen!  Don't get caught up in the preparations and having to find a babysitter or plan something amazingly memorable and earth-shattering.  Sometimes the simplest moments of silliness and laughter leave the most PROFOUND effects.  No excuses!  You aren't too old!  It's not for your children and grandchildren.  You're not too poor.  You're not too distanced from each other.  You're not too busy.  You just need to MAKE IT HAPPEN!!!  Today!  This week!

5) Remember it's about YOU!  Date nights aren't a time to go over the family budget or talk about the problems Jimmy is having in school or Jaime is having with her girlfriends or you are having with work or the world-at-large is having with the world-at-large.  Date nights aren't a time to schedule your week's activities or pay bills or fold laundry.  That's all another topic for another time.  (Like try a weekly companionship inventory or family council.)  Date nights ARE for you and your spouse to reconnect, rebuild, re-romance and "woo," refocus on and celbrate each other, on being a couple, on being one, on being each others sweethearts, on having fun, on walking down the SAME road in the SAME direction at the SAME speed . . . and all while holding hands, of course!  Your relationship is strictly yours.  You aren't your parents (however good or bad their relationship may have been).  You aren't that couple whose relationship you really admire or that one whose relationship you count your blessings every day that you are not stuck in!  But depending on what you do together TODAY, you will probably be ONE of those tomorrow. :-)  So decide what you want to be, what kind of a cake you want, what kind of frosting, what decorations, etc. and BECOME what you want!  But just focus on the cake -- not the entire meal, appetizers to entree to dessert.

I have some ideas, if you're interested (not because I'm good at this but because I decided TODAY, after reading this post and this post, that I AM GOING TO BE . . . so my mind is RACING around this topic right now).

That's all I've got . . . so far, anyway . . . though I reserve the right to edit/update as I go along and learn and do and become in MY reality with MY husband! ;-D

The Happiness Leak . . .

"Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ."
The Family: A Proclamation to the World

Doesn't this picture just FILL you up with HAPPINESS (and these aren't even YOUR crazy kids)?!?!?!?!!? I mean, look at the looks on their faces, the absolute joy, the complete lack of any inhibition. The laughter that comes from deep down in their bellies, the kind you can't help but let out -- no matter how silly or annoying or obnoxious it might sound to other people.  You can feel that they just HAVE TO LAUGH because they are JUST THAT HAPPY! My kids experience it and pull it out of me EVERY DAY! They KNOW happiness!

But you don't get this out of adults as much as you get it from kids. Why is that?

I especially notice this in big cities -- like when I visited Chicago while presenting at a national conference a few years ago. No one looked up -- everyone rushed to and fro on the busy sidewalks, trying to get where they were headed as quickly as possible. And heaven help you if you accidentally bumped into one of them and detained them for even a moment from their course. No one was smiling. No one was talking with their friends or casually making eye contact with, saying hello to, and smiling at the people passing them by.

If you haven't read The Pig of Happiness, I HIGHLY recommend it!!! HIGHLY! My dear friend, Emily, gave it to me for Christmas after the twins were born, and I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!!!

It's about a pig, a pig that is completely ordinary -- EXCEPT that this pig HATES the mumbling and grumbling that is so naturally the way with other pigs. SO the pig decides to change it!

"I know," thought the pig. "I shall become an EXTRAORDINARY pig! From now on I shall stand for everything that is LIGHT and BEAUTIFUL and TRUE and WONDERFUL. I shall see the BEST in EVERYONE and the BEST in EVERYTHING! I shall become the PIG OF HAPPINESS!"

And the pig DID . . . to the point that the happiness eventually (in a few short pages) seaped out from inside of the pig and was absorbed and reflected by others around it . . . and THEY became happy, too!

And so it goes when we follow Christ! We stand for everything that is LIGHT and BEAUTIFUL and TRUE and WONDERFUL and denounce everything that isn't. And then, we see others as children of God, see the BEST in EVERYONE and the BEST in EVERYTHING!!! And we are HAPPY! Truly HAPPY! And then that happiness spreads . . . it spreads to our children, to our neighborhoods, to our workplaces, to our schools, to our world. Just one bold denouncement of "evil" in all its forms at a time.

Imagine that deep-down-in-the-belly, genuine laughter of happiness echoing all over the streets of this crazy world! Hey -- it could happen!

Knowing

Tonight I feel much like I did the night before we went in to have our twins.  We knew we were going to be induced, had an appointment with the hospital, knew that one way or another we would be bringing home our little ones, but beyond that -- we were clueless about what to expect, how it would all play out, what kind of condition I or the babies would be in.

We hoped we were prepared, hoped we had everything we needed to make it through the hospital and the birth and coming home and the first few days with them, by ourselves.

But we didn't really know.

And the night before, you know you need to sleep . . . the last night you'll get any "good sleep" (if you can call sleep during the last few months of pregnancy GOOD at ANY point) for a long time . . . perhaps ever.

But you are so anxious that rationality flies out the window.  And you just can't sleep.  It's that combination of hope and fear and anxiety and excitement and . . . . wanting it to be over but not ready for it to ever come at the same time.

But it will come . . .

So all you really get to do is decide (as much as is in your power) how you are going to prepare for it and what you are going to do about the few hours beforehand that are actually in your control.  And pray that you can have the best preparation when your own body and mind and heart just won't settle enough to let you. 

And it's not really a matter of not having faith in the Lord that it will be alright . . . cuz you KNOW it's going to be ALRIGHT!  It's a matter of knowing.  The knowing the end from the beginning, or at least having the unknowns answered and out of the way so you can get on with the LIVING that will follow the unknowns surrounding the EXPERIENCE you are anticipating (like what it's going to be like to have an epidural . . . and feel contractions . . . and see your babies for the first time . . . and have your water break . . . and get that silly i.v. in your arm, which seems like the BIGGEST deal in the moment and then like NOTHING at all after the REST of childbirth . . . and breastfeeding for the first time . . . and just KNOWING what only patience, time, and experience can answer).

One thing is certain . . . . you don't want to be late!

And, no, I'm not going in to have my baby tomorrow . . . . ;-D

Cheese, Please!

Last night we got Jack in the Box for dinner -- the kids got a big cheeseburger to share, as always.  And as always, we never know if they are actually going to EAT their dinner or not.  Well, we got home, cut the burger in half, put them in their chairs, and watched and waited (while eating OUR dinners, of course). 

Neither twin was that into their cheeseburger last night.  But I made them sit there all the same, giving it as valiant of an effort as I could to still feel good about myself as a mother and that I wasn't starving my children. 

Well, long after OUR dinners were gone and Dave had left the table, I still sat and watched as Isaac decided that he didn't want the whole burger, but he DID want the bun with ketchup on it!  Mmmmmm . . . .  After he finished his, he went for Abby's.  And Abby could have cared less because she had taken the first opportunity to jump ship and JUMPED . . . and was happily walking around the kitchen, singing and dancing and doing her own thing in Abby's literal La-La land. 

At first, Isaac didn't want to eat Abby's because it had more ketchup on it . . . which meant he was getting his hands dirty.  Every time he touched it, he put his hand out to me and said, "Help, please!" (meaning -- "Mom, my hand is dirty and I don't like it.  Will you please clean it off?).  Finally, I told him to lick it off. (Dave's BRILLIANT idea from a few weeks ago!  Who would have thought that someone, somewhere probably TAUGHT you to lick your dirty fingers off when you eat?)  And THAT was the beginning of a whole new level of excitement for eating this ketchup-covered bun, one dipped fingerful at a time!

While all of this is going on, Abby is running around, sometimes climbing up on Isaac's chair and talking to him or just climbing up and singing "The inny-weeny pider POUT! Rown iny wain an wosh-i OUT!"

The last time she climbed up, this is what I saw:
Abby: Isaac? Pocorn? Samich?
Isaac: Yeah - samich. CHEESE!
Abby: Cheeeese? (sing-song as always) Mmmm . . .YUMMY!!!!
Isaac: (quite pleased with his treasure) Yeah . . . YUMMY!
Abby: I aa sum?
Isaac: Uh-huh. Yeah.

He took his tiny little fingers and carefully pinched off a piece of cheese from off the hamburger patty, about the size of the tips of his fingers.  Then he carefully put it over to Abby's EAGERLY-AWAITING mouth.  He got it in her mouth and then, just before she closed her mouth and sucked it off, he pulled it out and put it in his mouth and then stared at her while he ate it.  Now, if this had been Abby doing it, I would have said she was probably intentionally teasing him.  Cuz she is the biggest tease EVER . . . watch out boys in about 14 years!!!  However, the fact that it was Isaac and I could see his face, I know he was NOT teasing her.  He genuinely thought that he was sharing with Abby and they were BOTH as happy about that little pinch of cheese he was getting off his finger as HE was.

This continued a few more times, and then Abby - frustrated, I am SURE at the tiny inkling of taste she got each time the cheese entered and LEFT her mouth - pulled herself up and grabbed the patty from Isaac and tore off a piece of cheese and then gave it back to him, the biggest smile covering her face as she ate it.  And, this is how I know he wasn't teasing her, Isaac got the biggest smile on his face, they both started to laugh in absolute glee and continued to pass the patty back and forth until they had finished off every small pinch of that cheese!

It was seriously SO SWEET!  The BEST they have done at sharing in a LONG, long, long time.

And moments like these not only make me sit back and watch and smile (sometimes laugh), feel for just a moment that something is making it through, realize that it's mostly their dispositions overriding their "terrible twos" egocentric moments, and just make it all seem so WORTH it!

Tiny discoveries found in the most uneventful situations and shared with someone you love. Isn't THAT what life is really all about?

TIME OUT!!!!

I need a time out!  No, really.  A good one.  Like a week with quilting frames, no kids, my sewing machine, someone to cook healthy food for me to keep me fueled, and time . . . time to finish all my projects and get my house perfectly in order and start thinking about baby #3 . . . . .

And I need a Time Out with just Isaac.  Time to play and to sing and to dance and to jump and to count to ten and build a sand castle and bury him in the sand and chase birds and play ball and crash his cars into walls and find safe things for him to bang 'til his heart's content . . .

And I need a Time Out with Abby.  Time to sing and color and dance and swing on the swings for hours and hours and slide down the highest slide at the playground and play with her "baby" and buckle buckles over and over and over again and cuddle and read stories and jump off the sofa onto the floor and . . .

And I need a Time Out with Dave.  Time to talk and play games and read books and go backpacking or just for long walks on country roads and go to the temple and take pictures and make memory books together and take dancing lessons and sing off key and rock out to AC/DC and Michael Buble and lift weights at the gym and go for a nice evening run or a long bike ride or a day hike to a waterfall or a 2,000-year-old tree and cook some elaborate-tasting dessert to go with his famous BBQ Ribs as we host a summer BBQ and play ultimate frisbee or other games with friends. 

Someone needs to invent Time Out Land -- where families re-connect for as long as they need.

Until then, however . . . I guess I better figure out how to create my own Time Out Land!  When I get it pulled together, I'll send out invitations! ;-D

Modern-day Sisyphus

My husband recently explained to me that I am like Sisyphus (the king in Greek Mythology that was cursed to push a huge boulder up a hill . . . for eternity!).  I didn't know who that was at the time, but he soon expounded.  And then he told me his interpretation of it: You might not get the boulder over the hill, but you are always made stronger in the attempt each time you push it UP the hill."

I have pushed many boulders up hills for very long periods of time.  I have gotten to the crest of the hill, where I thought I could see the sun rising on the other side and could FEEL the much-needed rest that lay ahead, and then I have watched in disbelief as the boulder slipped from my grasp and rolled right back down the hill again.  And each time I determine that I am GOING to push that stupid rock up the hill and GET TO THE OTHER SIDE if it KILLS me.  And sometimes I think it might.

But in one thing my husband is correct: I am determined to a fault.  I never give up.  I tire momentarily of trying but ultimately get right back to it.  At times, I feel the weight of the rock throw me to the ground, even as I watch it roll back down the hill, powerless to change it; and at times I am oblivious to it's weight because my resolve outweighs it 10 to one.

And that's life, right?  I remember hearing a story in church once about someone who was asked to do something but thought they were being asked to do something else.  In the end, they feel like a failure because they never accomplished what THEY set out to do.  But God corrects them and tells them He didn't tell them to do what THEY set out to do -- He told them to do what He set them out to do. 

So the whole time they were thinking they were failing, they were really succeeding . . . . and getting stronger every second.

Don't Grow Up . . .

Dear Abby and Isaac,

Lately, I have had a really hard time with letting you grow up.  I look at your sweet, innocent faces; I realize how much more I wish I could have given you individually during the last year; I see the world you are entering all too soon; and I wonder if you are going to be prepared.

I want to go into your room sometimes and pull you out of your beds and just sit in the rocker and stroke your cute faces and revel in you in this moment for just a moment longer than the day will allow.  I wish you could talk to me and tell me all the things I'm not getting, all the things you ARE getting more than I know.  I wish I could transfer to your little minds and spirits all of the things I have a testimony of so you can START with that and keep going and going and going until you really GET it, really HAVE all the things you will need to face the battles and stumbling blocks and boulders Satan will put in your path in your lifetime.

I wonder what you are going to be like as teenagers, what you are going to be like as siblings, what kind of relationship we are going to have, and if I am going to have the love it will take to teach you to love . . . . charity, the pure love of Christ, for all people and in all situations . . . . and discernment to know when to give it and when to hold it back.  I wonder who you will date, what kind of a person you will choose to marry; and I want to sit and have popcorn and hot chocolate talk with you now and tell you all the things to watch out for and all the things to hope for.

I want to caress all the cares and worries of the world out of your faces, even though they aren't there yet.  And I want to help you keep every second of the wide-eyed wonder moments you have so many times each day.

More than anything, I hope you know I love you.  I hope you know, even when I make huge mistakes and hang on too tight and maybe even judge too quickly and react too harshly, that I love you more than anything and just want you to be happy and healthy and wise.

I hope you know how much I LOVE your dad, how much I admire and respect him and want very much for you to glean from all of the good that he has to offer and teach you.

I hope you know how much I love our Heavenly Father, how much I want you to know and love Him as I do and to desire first and foremost to return to His presence so that we can ALL be together forever!  I hope you know how much I am relying on Him to teach me all the things I need to know about YOU and to help me prepare you to do all the things He needs you to do and to have all the things He has in store for you in life.  I hope you know how much I love Jesus Christ, how much I appreciate and rely on Him EVERY DAY to make it possible for me to be the kind of mom you need and the kind of person that CAN walk with you back to Heavenly Father's presence; how much you will need to rely on Him EVERY DAY to make it through everything you will face in life and how much STRENGTH He will give you to do ALL THINGS.  I hope you realize with gratitude how much He is in the small things and He makes possible the joy, the happiness, the hope, the peace, the love, the end to suffering, to pain, to afflictions, to torments, to sin.

I hope you love the hymns!  I know your dad won't be singing solos in church or even in the shower any time soon, but I hope you smile every time you hear him sing off tune and that you always sing LOUD and CLEAR all the songs that we enjoy together now.  I hope you always pop, pop, pop when you hear Popcorn Popping and clap your hands when you hear If Your Happy and You Know It and smile and snuggle a bit closer every time you hear You Are My Sunshine and bob your head and bounce up and down when you hear any other number of songs.

I hope you love your bodies.  I hope you LOVE to move in them, to grow in them, to LIVE in them.  I hope you appreciate what a gift they are and that you get joy and strength from exercising and enhancing your physical ability to move, to breathe, to serve, to love, to reach out, to jump, to skip, to run, to lift, to give.  I hope you always make it a priority to nourish your body, to be mindful of its needs, to have the strength to keep your physical desires in check and to enjoy them when it's time to enjoy them and not over-indulge and have regrets (even one more cinnamon roll can be too much sometimes!).  I hope your physical appearance and choices always reflect who you are and what you stand for - truth, righteousness, joy, hope, eternal life.

I hope you love the prophet!  I hope you look forward to opportunities to receive further counsel and implement it in your lives, always hungering and thirsting to have and know and do more, always finding it a joy to do so.

I hope you love the Gospel and the Work that goes along with it, that you desire to serve and share this wonderful message about the atonement of the Savior and the Plan of Salvation and the Restoration of the Church of Jesus Christ and the translation of the Book of Mormon and the good news that Families CAN be together forever and don't have to be separated by death or illness or any number of other things.

I hope you will love the Temple, the House of the Lord; that you will long to be inside its walls and feel the peace you can only find there.  I hope you will rejoice in your covenants and feel that it is a privilege to be worthy to enter its doors.  And I hope you will make it a point to go there often, to look into eternity and find the strength to keep walking towards it, to find the strength to soak it up and bask in its warmth and peace and hope.

And I hope you will always dance, you will always sing, you will always LAUGH, you will always try to learn and get that gleam in your eye every time you do, you will always get frustrated that you can't do more, you will always be proud when you get that one thing you have been trying so hard to figure out for so long, you will always be beside yourself with joy when your dad or I walk in the room after a short (or long) absence, you will always feel safe to cry and to be disappointed sometimes and to forgive so easily and love so freely, you will always light up at the simple things, you will always find JOY in each moment of each day.

So I'll let you sleep tonight while I'm up thinking enough for both of us.  But please know how much I love you . . . and please don't ever grow up too much for that.

Teach the Children

As I have continued to reflect on the small and simple things and how these things will affect my children, I was drawn to this statement from a talk given by Elder D. Todd Christopherson of the Quorum of the 12 Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

Our teaching [in our home] should draw upon our own faith and focus first and foremost on instilling faith in God in the rising generation. We must declare the essential need to keep the commandments of God and to walk uprightly before Him in soberness, or in other words, with reverence. Each must be persuaded that service and sacrifice for the well-being and happiness of others are far superior to making one’s own comfort and possessions the highest priority.

This requires more than an occasional reference to one or another gospel principle. There must be constant teaching, mostly by example. President Henry B. Eyring expressed the vision we strive to attain:

“The pure gospel of Jesus Christ must go down into the hearts of [our children] by the power of the Holy Ghost. It will not be enough for them to have had a spiritual witness of the truth and to want good things later. It will not be enough for them to hope for some future cleansing and strengthening. Our aim must be for them to become truly converted to the restored gospel of Jesus Christ while they are with us. . . .Then they will have gained a strength from what they are, not only from what they know. They will become disciples of Christ."

Elder David Bednar, also of the Quorum of the 12 Apostles, stated the following:
"May every spouse, every child, and every parent be blessed to communicate and receive love, to bear and be edified by strong testimony, and to become more consistent in the seemingly small things that matter so much. . . . In these important pursuits we will never be left alone. Our Heavenly Father and His Beloved Son live. They love us and know our circumstances, and They will help us to become more diligent and concerned at home."

So I have a few questions for you: 

1) How have you made the transition from single woman to wife and mother in terms of your personal spirituality?  What have you learned?  What do you do differently to ensure you still get the quality of study and preparation when you don't always have time for the quantity?  How do you keep yourself spiritually in shape even when your husband is rarely home to give you time or even if you have to stay at home with sick kids on Sunday (or many Sundays) or if you sit by yourself with your kids during Sacrament Meeting/church while your husband fulfills other assignments/duties?

2) What specific traditions do you have in place (not generalities like scripture study, prayer, family home evening -- I know all of those, but I'm wondering what you do WITH those things - or what you are trying to do, have done in the past, hope to someday do because you know someone else who does it, etc.) to teach and prepare your children to go to battle with the full armor of God?  How have you changed/incorporated new things at different ages and stages in your children's lives and development?  What have you learned through the process/tweaked with subsequent children?  What has worked best . . . and what hasn't worked, for that matter?  What have you included during holidays or Sabbath days (to teach reverence without snacks, for example) or whatever other days?

For myself, I am working to establish a habit of morning prayer, mealtime prayers, a weekly story from the Friend for Family Home Evening, and a nightly hymn/children's song and family prayer before bed. For now, Dave and I have a second FHE together to focus on the things we need in order to be a family, prepare our family, and work through our individual challenges.  One other thing we do differently for FHE with the babies is sing a few fun songs -- Popcorn Popping, Book of Mormon Stories, etc. -- that we wouldn't sing in our nightly bedtime songs but are still interactive to do with the kids and have fun together.  We rarely miss companionship prayer (morning and night) and scripture study (Conference Talks from the Ensign). There are moments when I have read from the Book of Mormon with my children, though not many and usually just a verse.  We also used to watch General Conference together every morning as prepared/they ate breakfast.  Then I started to reconsider multi-tasking mealtime and haven't found a time to put it back in yet. That's all I can think of off the top of my head.

PLEASE SHARE!!!!

The Little Things

". . . by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise." Alma 37:6

This has been a crazy week for me, and it's only two days into it.  First I was involved in a pretty intense discussion about an article published in the New York Times by an ex-sister-missionary about her experiences on her mission (I don't think I have to spell out that it wasn't a positive article, particularly for me as a returned missionary who LOVED my mission and cannot fathom the idea that anyone could feel otherwise).  Then I returned to Facebook tonight and was looking up old friends that I haven't kept in touch with in many years.  I didn't get far before stumbling across the page of a young man I actually considered marrying at one point.  Imagine my immense sadness to see that he is presumably atheist now, drinks, smokes cigars, jokes around about using and dumping women to his heart's desire, talks about his support of people who divorce their parents and sees the absolute need for it in some cases, jokes around about visiting the LDS church and taking the sacrament just to throw the cups back in their faces and call them idiots for serving water when Jesus drank wine, . . . . the list goes on.

How do people reach this point?  Seriously. How in the world do these things happen?  Dave and I have had quite a few conversations in the last few days (to the point that he's kind of sick of hearing about certain topics/conversations over and over again -- sorry, Dave!) about testimony.  We have talked quite a bit about expressing your viewpoints when you don't agree with other people and where/when to draw the line.  We have talked quite a bit about our mission experiences, about invitations and council that we have received from the Lord and perhaps not followed through on quite as strongly as we should.

Essentially, it really does all boil down to a number of small things.

• Did you read your scriptures today?  Did you actually study them or did you just skim them?  Do you remember what you read?  Have you thought about how to apply it to your life and how it relates to your personal struggles, joys, life changes, etc.?  If you are married, did you take time to have a meaningful gospel-related conversation and/or study something together and discuss how to apply it in your marriage, home, and family? Have you made and/or taken time to have a testimony-building or affirming conversation with your children, to bear testimony to them and give them a chance to feel the power of the Word of God?
  
• Did you pray today?  How many times?  For what purpose?  With what intent?  Do you remember what you said?  Did you take time to listen and hear and feel that God was listening to you and what His message might be to you regarding the things on your mind?  Did you start your day with a prayer, end your day with a prayer, and actually pray throughout the day as you felt to give thanks, feared and needed peace, doubted and needed answers, etc.?  Did you TALK to your Heavenly Father?  Did you feel His love for you?  Did you include the invitation from Pres. Monson to pray that areas that have not yet allowed the Gospel into their borders will be opened, even that miracles will occur to make it possible? Have you prayed with your spouse? Have you prayed with your children?  Could they hear repetition or sincerity and love and reverence in your prayer, even the short ones for tiny ears and short attention spans?
  
• Have you paid an honest and complete tithing this month?  Last month?  In the last three months? Six? Year?  Where is your heart when you pay?  Is it joyful, bitter, content?  Do you look for ways to NOT pay tithing on perhaps more questionable areas of increase for you and/or your family?  Have you contributed to the other funds of the Church, paid a generous fast offering no matter your situation?  When was the last time you fasted? Do you remember what it was about? Did you receive instruction, peace, answers to questions in your fast, etc.? Are you teaching your children about tithing and fast offerings - through your own action/attitude and through identified/prepared moments specifically set aside TO teach them?
  
• Did you watch General Conference last month?  If you missed it, have you made up for the time you missed and began working to catch up on the messages/instruction/etc.?  How do you feel about General Conference?  Do you look forward to it each and every time it comes around?  Do you feel bothered by the time you have to take out of your schedule, looking for reasons to miss or skip one session or another?  Are you excited to receive further light and knowledge from the Lord's servants?  Do you use the time to give your children testimonies of a living prophet of God and apostles on the earth today?  Do you watch it to critique everything that is said, find faults you can pass off as mortal weaknesses in imperfect men?  Do you get a copy of the Conference Ensign and anxiously begin to study the messages given and apply them to your lives?  Did you make sure to include your children in Conference, find ways to point out things that apply to them/take moments to testify to them in word and action of the blessing of modern revelation?
  
• Do you attend the temple as often as you can?  Do you look for excuses to NOT make it one week or one month, etc.? Do you take time to prepare for your experience - mentally, physically, spiritually?  Do you pay close attention to and look for ways you can improve in applying the covenants you have made?  Do you sleep through every session, arrive late or just barely on time, and leave as soon as it's over?  Do you look forward to the meal before or after more than you do to the session itself?  What music are you listening and conversations are you engaging in as you drive to and home from the temple? Are you spending so much time trying to find something new that you are missing the value of applying the basic, "old," and obvious parts of the ceremonies? Have you followed Pres. Hinckley's invitation to double your temple attendance . . . . and re-applied it . . . . and re-applied it?  Do you think about the interview questions that qualify you to be there each time you attend and reassess your worthiness and how you can improve? Do you take your children to the temple and testify to them about the work done within its walls and the blessings that affect them personally?
  
• Do you worthily partake of and prepare for the blessing of partaking of the Sacrament each week?  Do you meditate each week on your covenants, on your personal repentance and salvation, and on your relationship with the Savior? If you have kids, is sacrament meeting something you are teaching them about?  Do you and your children practice reverence each Sunday?  Is your sabbath-day observance something that starts when you arrive late for your meetings and ends when you get home, eat dinner, and take your Sunday nap?  Do you arrive early, prepared to receive and feel and grow; to be sanctified and purified; to renew your covenants and rejuvenate?  When you are getting ready, are you thinking about what people will think about your hair, makeup, clothes, etc. - or that of your children, for that matter - instead of on the covenants you will be renewing, the service you will be rendering, etc.?
  

These are just a few of the things I have been thinking about these past few days.  This list and these questions are not exhaustive, nor are they meant to add even more unnecessary heartache and doubt and disappointment for those days when you are doing your best and still finish with a less than stellar performance.  I know that I have more improvements to make than things I feel confident and comfortable about. And I know I need to use those recognitions to build and improve and not to beat myself up and pull myself down because of them.

But this week's events/conversations have been a real wake-up call for me.  I have re-realized that there are some things you cannot afford to leave to chance.  There are some things you cannot afford to let slide without correction.  There are some things you have to MAKE happen every day, things you cannot afford to leave undone as you drift off to sleep.  I think myself as a sister missionary a few years ago would have a whole lot to say to the me staring at her in the mirror now.  And it's ironic that it has become more difficult to do some of these things as I have become a wife and mother, now when it's even more important that I do them because it isn't just ME that is depending on me to do them.  I am shaping the future of my children, the attitudes they will have, the opportunities they will have to feel and recognize the Spirit for the first time and subsequent times when they need to draw upon it the most.  And I am doing it in the moments they don't even know are happening right now.

". . . by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise." Alma 37:6