This Isn't Working For Me

While I was loading the dishwasher yesterday, Abby came in and - from out of the blue, with the most serious look and most adult tone-of-voice -- said to me, "Mom, this isn't really working for me right now."  Huh?  Brief moment of silence while I gathered my thoughts.

"What isn't working for you, Ab?"

Exasperated sigh, roll of the eyes, intense look on her face that said, "Ugh, MOM! Do I really have to spell it out for you?"  But she simply said, "THIS!"

Thanks for clearing that up for me. "This? What is this?"

Again the look.  "THIS!!!!!" This time, she reached her arm up in a sweep and pointed from wall to ceiling to wall.

Wow - where did you ever hear that expression and how am I actually having this conversation with my three-year-old? "This . . . . house?"

Immediately her face changed to one of excitement!  Her eyes gleamed, her brows lifted, her smile lit up the entire room. "Uh-huh!"  I don't know if I had really gotten what she was saying or if I had given her something she could work with, but whichever it was, she was happy.  Then she said, "I just really want to go back to Grandpa's house!"  Ah.  Grandpa's house.  The cows.  And horses. And chickens. And real live cats. The garden and picking fresh strawberries. The acres of land to roam and wander. The family walks down country roads.

I explained to her that we really couldn't go to Grandpa's house right now.  But that we would get all of that someday. 

Someday.

I have been thinking about the future - that dreamlike state of mind that sometimes feels so distant I feel like I'd as soon capture a cloud as reach it.  And sometimes it seems so real I have to remind myself that it isn't.  It's easy to get caught up in what you don't have but know you love and want.  Like Grandpa's house!  And it's good to have those moments.  To say at times, "This isn't really working for me right now!"  Because those moments help you define what you really want, what matters the most, what WILL work for you!  And I am a FIRM believer in CREATING the life and conditions you want.  If it is attainable and you really want it, find a way to have it.  Do NOT sit back and wait for things to change or someone to hand it to you.  Do NOT sit back and tell yourself it isn't something you can have, that it is out of reach.  Because the moment you tell yourself that is the moment you are right.  The moment you reject that thought, or the moment you extract it from your mind, is the moment you create a setting for successfully becoming and doing what you most desire in life!

But sometimes you also just have to say, "This is my reality right now and there's nothing I can do about it, so I might as well live, laugh, and love it!"  That isn't conceding.  That's accepting what is real WHILE YOU WORK TO CREATE what is ideal!

Yesterday I spent hours putting together meals-from-scratch that I can freeze to create my own freezer meals for skillet or crockpot preparation on those "crunch" days.  Okay, every day seems to be a crunch day!!! ;-D  I've spent the last few weeks emptying my freezer of all of the "fast-food"-style freezer food.  No worries - I didn't throw it in the garbage!  We actually ate it.  We don't have money to just throw stuff away.  But we were rotating it out . . . for good!  From Weight Watchers to Lean Quisine.  Processed is out.  Made-from-scratch with ingredients I can recognize, those that will actually mold or spoil if left out, is in.  That is a change I can create right now!  That is a goal I can accomplish!  Granted, I only finished one dish.  But if I do 14 servings of one dish every day, or every other day, pretty soon I'll have QUITE the freezer full of DELICIOUS food!

And I'll have weeded out for good just one thing in my life that "isn't really working for me right now."

Sleepless in California

I'm having a hard time sleeping tonight. Probably because Brianna was having a hard time sleeping and I fell asleep with her at 8:30 and then woke up at midnight to an adrenaline rush from killing a huge cockroach in my bathroom!  But whatever the reason . . . here are some things on my mind:

• I love rainstorms.  A really good rainstorm has always taken me back to Ricks College and dancing in the parking lot with my roommates, drenched through and through and LOVING it, splashing each other with mud puddles, laughing our heads off each and every time.  Today, though, I got a new rain memory.  My two-year-olds hearing the rain while they played in their room and running through the house to the back sliding glass door, anxiously asking me to please open the blinds and screaming with excitement as large raindrops turned to large puddles, which turned to a large-though-shallow lake across our patio, which turned to large splashes in the lake.  And once Brianna heard them, she crawled in as fast as she could and squealed with them, standing up next to the window, tapping the glass and laughing in excitement!  Once it was over, nothing could keep those two inside!  They begged me to let them jump on the trampoline, and after stripping them down to their diapers and pulling Abby's hair up, out they went!  They literally played until the huge 1" deep lake was all dried up.  And that memory - of them splashing and kicking water at each other, crawling under the trampoline and back out, throwing water from their little cup all over each other, stomping and squealing with glee and surprise every time they got splashed, etc. - will always bring a smile to my face!
• I love a clean house!  In fact, there are few things that make me happier than sitting in my house with nothing to clean, enjoying the order and spirit and freshness and liberation of it all!
• Tonight we read a few books on the sofa together - just me and my twins!  I treasure those moments! It never ceases to amaze me how much they are like little sponges, wanting to interact and interface with everything in sight!  They would seriously jump into every book we ever read if they could.  And they already ask questions to understand the story/pictures better -- but then again, Dr. Seuss invites questions sometimes, doesn't he? ;-D  And as we read the ABC book in English and I had them repeat the words in Spanish and they scurried off to find any objects in the book that they have in real life, I just smiled!  Our nighttime song tonight was "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" because X stands for Xylophone and they ran and got their xylophone - and that's the only song I have sat down to learn how to play on it!  And since they threw the stick under the stove where it just might stay forever . . . we played it with the hooves of Abby's "Forsey" (horsey).
• I'll never get over cockroaches, no matter how many times I have to kill them - big or "small" (less big, but still BIG).  I hate them, I hate them, I hate them, I hate them.  And I know this is an irrational feeling towards such strange little bugs . . . but I really stopped caring a long time ago!  Yep - I am SOOOO over the fact that my hate is irrational!  And hate it truly, truly, truly is!
• Simplicity.  Oh the power of that word!  I have grown to LOVE and SEEK simplicity!  Easy dinner of sliced lettuce, diced grilled chicken, cottage cheese, and salsa - sign me up!  Can I use the same plate and cup and utensils all day to avoid a ton of dishes?  Yes, yes I can!  Can I pack away clothes that are cute but we really don't need and/or get around to wearing and I realize that having them just gives me excuses to put off doing laundry and more laundry to do when I finally get around to it?  Yes, actually!  And I do so with GLEE!!!  Do I pack away toys that the kids only play with when they're throwing them out of the toy box in search of the toys they really want and I find myself spending more time cleaning them up than the kids spent dumping them out?  I do, I do, I really do!  And I don't feel bad when they discover the boxes/bags of said toys and throw a tantrum because I won't open them up and let them dump them all over the room/house again.  Nope - not one bit.  Why?  Because simplicity frees me up to enjoy more things - like story time on the sofa with my kids because dinner didn't take an hour to clean up after and the toys didn't take an extra fifteen minutes to get them to clean up after.  And it frees me to hold Brianna's hand and walk down the hall or across the room with her a few more times during the day.  And it lets me sit unabashed and watch my kids play in the water outside or *gulp* - and I'm still perfecting this one - go out and play WITH them.  And at the end of the day . . . everyone is just that much happier!
• Brianna . . . oh my dear little angel girl!  There is only one room in the house she is really outlawed from entering un-accompanied.  And it is precisely that room that she hovers outside of in unsuspecting moments and crawls toward as fast as she can whenever she sees the open door opportunity, letting out squeals of delight that give her away and let me intercept her just as she finally makes it in: the Bathroom!  And today, she just started clapping and smiling whenever she hears someone say yay!  And we played like that for a while, me pretending to ignore her and then randomly screaming, "Yay!" and her face lighting up as she realized that was her cue to start clapping again!  It was really a fun game!  One I got a very tired girl to repeat for Daddy after much prodding at the dinner table tonight.  Now we're working on "Hip-hip Hooray!" with her arms high above her head!  And by working on it I mean that it's my focus of playtime tomorrow!
• We bought all the stuff to make these really cute 4th of July 'Smore suckers I saw on The Idea Room website.  We invited people over to join the fun.  We made the 'smores and we melted the chocolate.  And it didn't melt like we had thought it would.  So Dave added some milk to smooth it out/liquify it a bit more so we could dip the 'smores in it and . . . you are already laughing?  So you realize that you should NEVER add milk to melted chocolate?  Why didn't you tell me?  And next time, we will freeze the 'smores and then stick the sticker stick in them and THEN try dipping them in our non-milky milk chocolate dipping sauce.  It'll be fabulous enough to take pictures!!!  And no, we didn't throw the chocolate out.  Dave is freezing it for one day in the future when we aren't on a no-sugar-besides-on-holidays kick and he can make his chocolate praline pecan cheesecake for some lucky friends to enjoy with us.  I really can't wait!
• I really love brushing my teeth!  In fact, if I had time to brush my teeth five times a day, just to have that fresh, minty, clean feeling all day long, I would totally do it!  Well, if I wasn't watching money like a hawk and felt that doing so was quite unnecessary and even potentially wasteful.  Cuz I would think of something like that. :-)
• Budgeting.  If budgeting were chocolate, my sister would be an addict.  And I would be the one sitting by, watching her eat, licking my lips and wishing I could have a bite - a morsel - a lick even some days!  But today I spent hours - for the umpteenth time this year - trying to work out a budget for the next year.  Knock on wood because EVERY SINGLE TIME I have done this in the last six months, something has happened that required enough money to completely blow my budget out of the water and send me back to the drawing board, resigned to the fact that we would never have money in savings again!  But this time -- this time I really hope it sticks!  We're trying to get back to grad school, hoping to move back to northern Idaho/Eastern Washington in the process and - try as I may to get around it - moving and grad school mean lots of sacrifices and money!  So I'm praying we can cut and shave and pinch and sell and make it. 
• Friends are like . . . well there are a lot of phrases I could use to end that statement.  Chocolate. A sunny afternoon. A walk on the beach.  A pile of clean laundry.  But tonight I am thinking that friends are just plain good to have.  Cuz I'm a "people who need people" person, not gonna lie!  And not having people could quite possibly be one of the hardest things for me in this world!  And by people I mean friends!  Maybe it's because I fear that I could pass through an entire stage of my life completely unnoticed, no one caring I was there or missing my presence when I left.  I think anywhere you go, everywhere you live, everything you do, etc. - you need real friends.  Even if it is just one.  One golden friend who will accept you for who you are, not judge you when your house is a mess or your kids are bouncing off the walls and ceiling and kitchen sink and . . . . One golden friend who truly cares about what you are doing during the day, even if it really isn't anything at all.  One friend you are comfortable having drop by your house when you're still in your pajamas at 3:00 in the afternoon and your kids are running around in nothing but diapers or perched on the sofa watching Dora the Explorer for the fifth time that day.  Better still, one you can drop in on without feeling like an imposition, even if you might be one at the moment.  One golden friend who you gladly let use your bathroom without worrying that the entire world will hear that your toilet hasn't been cleaned in a while - or make microwave popcorn with without worrying that the spaghetti-splatted microwave you didn't have time to stop and clean in the moment and consequently haven't had triple the time to clean since will get you "the look".  And definitely a friend you can spend holidays with and, more importantly, cry with.  And after typing this I just realized that I am married to him.  And that makes me smile.  But that means I also have to change this entire paragraph to TWO friends!  You need TWO such friends! :-)

Venting -- and Keeping it Real . . .

I love the quote, 'Be the change you wish to see in the world." by Gandhi

How many times do you look at the world around you and think, "Man - if only we had _________" or maybe even, "It is just too ______ to ______, if we could ______, it would be SO PERFECT!!!"

I have had those moments a LOT -- and I mean LOT LOT LOT LOT LOT LOT LOT -- since I moved here to California.  And for the last seven months, I have felt defeated at every turn, like things I could normally handle were impossible.  Small suggestions like, "Take your kids to story time at Barnes and Nobles" almost leave me in TEARS thinking about going to something like that with one child strapped to my belly and two loose cannons exploding faster than I could run after/catch up to them.  People say, "Take your kids to the park" - um, same problem, open/uncontained space to contend with - you can only run SO FAST with an infant strapped to your belly!  Put her in her carseat in your hands, and you are even MORE limited. Add in parking lots and busy streets within 100-500 feet of you, and serious anxiety sets in!

And everyone always seems to have "answers" that seem so obvious and they just can't see why I'm not just doing it already.  Preschool, swimming lessons, gymnastics, music lessons of some sort, all of these things that other people with children the twins' ages are doing . . . most of them are Mommy and Me classes with one-on-one parent involvement requirements.  Not to mention the expense of two rather than one (a 10% discount isn't much of a facilitator I'm afraid).  Even play groups, which is what people always suggest, they would work for the twins but would totally throw Brianna's entire schedule off and really stress me out just thinking about having to work that hard to get her back in sync when my two-year-olds aren't even sleeping through the night yet and I'm struggling every minute to have enough breastmilk to feed my baby and enough energy to see to all of their other needs.  Moving location to something unfamiliar with two bundles of energy ready to eagerly explore every nook and cranny and me having to spend twice as much time being on top of all that they are doing is really more work than it's worth -- and usually means giving up something I have worked every minute to just have in place on the home front.

I'm not looking for excuses, just being real.  Add in the INTENSE heat and lack of all things trees, paved walkways with shade for people to go to, allergies, etc. -- I have been so . . . bumbed out at the thought of life HERE for the next three years.

Even typing this, I am actually crying.  I know it may seem strange, but it is really, really crazy hard sometimes. And I really, really am not trying to make excuses as much as I just wish that someone, somewhere, would recognize that it's a whole different ball game with three so young, in a new place, with no family involvement and your husband 45 minutes away and virtually untouchable at a new job.  We can't afford a babysitter, and there's really only one young woman who ever offers to help anyway (a 12-year old girl named Chloe -- you don't exactly leave three small children with a 12-year-old for extended periods of time).  All the adults that I talk to, hoping they will offer to help/rescue me for an afternoon or an hour, always just suggest getting a babysitter to take some time out for me.  Thank you -- who do you suggest I get and how do you suggest I pay for it and -- oh, yeah -- why do I want to spend money organizing something that leaves me all by myself out of the house when I spend all day, every day by myself inside my house?

Okay - done venting.  Time to get back to . . . just loving my kids and my life and my reality right now. And giving myself the pep talk that this won't last forever and someday I'll look back and long for the simplicity of these years.

Speaking of Baby Showers . . .

Okay, even if you WEREN'T, I have been!  See, here's the deal:

A girl who moved into the ward just after we did is having a baby boy any day now. It's her first - she doesn't have hardly anything and, obviously, she doesn't really know anyone. They are considering cloth diapers, so she needs money more than diapers, but they really don't have that much in terms of the bigger needs, either. I want to have a fun shower, but I also want it to DO something, more than just the usual games and presents thing. So . . . ideas? She doesn't have a theme for the baby/room - just trying to get what they need on a small income, and jury's still out on if he'll come early or not.

Tale as Old as Time . . .

First of all, super cute moment.  I was expecting Abby to catch onto the whole breastfeeding thing.  And sure enough, she has become a little Mommy to her two babies.  One's name is Marie and the other is named Dollie (of course, right?).  Anyway, she hops into bed next to me or onto the sofa or wherever I am and feeds her babies every time I feed Brianna.  What I hadn't thought about was Isaac picking up on it.  But he has become quite the jealous little man!  He looks for opportunities to steal Abby's babies (which, of course, is like ripping her HEART out and stomping on it 1,000 times), and though sometimes he is trying to upset her for attention, sometimes I think he is just plain jealous.  And today, while I was feeding Brianna and Abby was feeding Dollie, Isaac snatched Marie out of Abby's other hand and lifted up his shirt and started to feed her.  As Abby told David tonight, "Isaac shirt baby feed stomach."  Isaac fed the baby on his stomach.  It was really pretty cute, I thought.

Second of all -- for all of you who absolutely positively think that Beauty and the Beast is one of THE BEST movies of ALL TIME . . . how would you like to own it on Blu-Ray for around $5.00?  That's right, folks.  But you have to act by tomorrow.  Here's how:

1) Go to Disney Movie Rewards and print off the $10 off coupon (if you aren't a member, just create an account - it's free!).

2) Go to Target's Printable Coupons and print off the $5 off coupon for a Disney Blu-Ray $16.99 or above.

3) Go to Campbell's Kitchen and print off the $5 off coupon there.

4) Go to Campbell's Kitchen and print off a coupon for the soup of your choice (one that fills the requirements in the $5 off coupon).

How does it all come together?
Blu-Ray Sale Price: $24.99 until tomorrow.
Less $10 Disney Coupon: $14.99
Less $5 Target Coupon: $9.99
Less $5 Campbell's Coupon: $4.99

The soup should cost around $1, maybe $2.  Add in taxes and a stamp, and you're looking at $5-$7.  Pretty slick deal, eh? Oh, and if you go to your local Wal-Mart and take the Target Coupon and Disney coupon, they should price match and accept them both, and their sale price on Beauty and the Beast is only $22.96 - which makes it that much cheaper, right?  And if you watch Albertsons ads, sometimes they have a double value coupon, so you would save $2 on three cans instead of $1 on three cans.  Which would probably make them free.  As long as everything happens in the next month or so, in time to mail in the rebates, it's totally legit!

Just DANCE -- Cuz EVERYTHING in life is SO GOOD!!!

So we're driving down the freeway on our way to meet Daddy for a picnic lunch under the B-52. (A new Friday tradition in our house that my kids just LOVE LOVE LOVE!!! And how many people can say they have picnics under a B-52? Granted, it's a retired B-52 in an outside museum, but it's still a B-52 with a stone picnic table under it's wing to provide shade from the desert sun, and THAT is just SO COOL -- ask my kids!  They BEG me to take them to see Daddy and the airplanes every time we talk about airplanes or that Daddy's at work! :-D)

Anyway -- redirect to freeway drive, center stage:

We're racing down the freeway, me in my sunglasses and pale yellow shirt, the kids in their favorite shirts and summer-time short shorts.  Our hair was being blown by the air conditioner, but we can pretend there was some windows-down coolness happening in our scenario as well! ;-D  I have one of my favorite CDs in the CD player (thank you, Emily) and come across one of my favorite songs, which is PERFECT for my life/mood lately.


And almost as soon as it comes on, Abby and Isaac BOTH start singing, "Bailar!" I look in the rear-view mirror to see them dancing away. And when it's over, they say, "Again?!?!?!!?" So I comply. Over and over again. Me just as happy as they are each and every time.

Sorry if you don't know Spanish, but here's the gist of the lyrics (my translation): Just DANCE, when everything is falling apart and you want to be somewhere else but just can't get there! Just DANCE, when everything is the same old same old and you're looking for a reason but just can't find one. Just DANCE when everything is looking down and you WANT to be better but just can't make it happen. Just DANCE when nothing really excites you more than anything else, and you just don't like what you see reflecting in the mirror! JUST DANCE . . . . You get the idea, right?

Here's the song's link.(Even if you don't speak Spanish, it's worth listening to -- you'll be up and "dancing" in no time! TRUST me!!!) And I HAVE, HAVE, HAVE to come back here and post the BEST video clip of my kids dancing and laughing and wrestling in the kitchen tonight while they waited for a VERY late dinner to finish cooking!  Kids GET how to DANCE!!!

And in the spirit of Spanish music, we found the coolest grocery store the other day. Walking through the Vallarta was like re-visiting a little piece of Latin America, one of my other true loves!!! We went for a weekly family night activity, going to buy cereal on sale, and we were just so "enamored" by it all that we walked around, and I reminisced about my mission (and all the DIFFERENCES between Chilean culture/food and Mexican culture/food). And Dave reminisced about his month-long trek through Mexico the summer before we got married. And we found their POSTRES!!! Desserts like I have NEVER seen in an American bakery but that were a dime a dozen in bakeries all over Chile. Remember how I feel about frosting on cinnamon rolls? I have, have, have to give theirs a try. I think I may have found a store-made cinnamon roll worth it's calories, with JUST the right amount of icing-on-the-cake frosting. HOWEVER, we're on a budget freeze right now so we just treated ourselves to two $.79 postres -- a bavarian cream empanada and this other thing that was like cake rolled in caramel and dipped in nuts. We were more than impressed. The kids loved it, and it's a definite MUST-DO-Family-Evening again. So simple, so rewarding, so fun!

And in the spirit of Jarabe de Palo and Latin America, I'm putting the music video for the other song on my CD that I just LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!!! Bonito. Beautiful. Basically, it's about how everything is just "beautiful" -- Everything about life is just so good!

I hope you dance . . . and I hope you smile at all the things that are going GREAT in your life!

The Happiness Leak . . .

"Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ."
The Family: A Proclamation to the World

Doesn't this picture just FILL you up with HAPPINESS (and these aren't even YOUR crazy kids)?!?!?!?!!? I mean, look at the looks on their faces, the absolute joy, the complete lack of any inhibition. The laughter that comes from deep down in their bellies, the kind you can't help but let out -- no matter how silly or annoying or obnoxious it might sound to other people.  You can feel that they just HAVE TO LAUGH because they are JUST THAT HAPPY! My kids experience it and pull it out of me EVERY DAY! They KNOW happiness!

But you don't get this out of adults as much as you get it from kids. Why is that?

I especially notice this in big cities -- like when I visited Chicago while presenting at a national conference a few years ago. No one looked up -- everyone rushed to and fro on the busy sidewalks, trying to get where they were headed as quickly as possible. And heaven help you if you accidentally bumped into one of them and detained them for even a moment from their course. No one was smiling. No one was talking with their friends or casually making eye contact with, saying hello to, and smiling at the people passing them by.

If you haven't read The Pig of Happiness, I HIGHLY recommend it!!! HIGHLY! My dear friend, Emily, gave it to me for Christmas after the twins were born, and I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!!!

It's about a pig, a pig that is completely ordinary -- EXCEPT that this pig HATES the mumbling and grumbling that is so naturally the way with other pigs. SO the pig decides to change it!

"I know," thought the pig. "I shall become an EXTRAORDINARY pig! From now on I shall stand for everything that is LIGHT and BEAUTIFUL and TRUE and WONDERFUL. I shall see the BEST in EVERYONE and the BEST in EVERYTHING! I shall become the PIG OF HAPPINESS!"

And the pig DID . . . to the point that the happiness eventually (in a few short pages) seaped out from inside of the pig and was absorbed and reflected by others around it . . . and THEY became happy, too!

And so it goes when we follow Christ! We stand for everything that is LIGHT and BEAUTIFUL and TRUE and WONDERFUL and denounce everything that isn't. And then, we see others as children of God, see the BEST in EVERYONE and the BEST in EVERYTHING!!! And we are HAPPY! Truly HAPPY! And then that happiness spreads . . . it spreads to our children, to our neighborhoods, to our workplaces, to our schools, to our world. Just one bold denouncement of "evil" in all its forms at a time.

Imagine that deep-down-in-the-belly, genuine laughter of happiness echoing all over the streets of this crazy world! Hey -- it could happen!

My Love Hate Relationship . . .

Food.  Yes, that's right.  And you are probably thinking that you know EXACTLY what I mean.  But let me expound, cuz you might be surprised.

See, since we came to California, I have developed an incredible disdain for all things food! 

I hate mealtime -- hate, hate, hate it!  Mealtime around here consists of me sitting at the table for . . . sometimes an hour and a half . . . trying to get my twins to eat something . . . anything . . . just a few bites . . . no, no, focus, yes, I know there's a fly on the table, and that is STILL a bird out the window . . . no, we aren't eating (____), we are eating THIS right now . . . Daddy isn't here . . . yep, he's at work . . . you don't need milk right now because then you won't eat anything, so just take a bite . . . ooh, that IS an airplane, yes very cool, but . . . wait, stop, don't hit her . . . we do NOT throw food on the floor . . . please just sit down and EAT!!!

Three or four or five or six times a day.  Depends on the day.  And what I'm eating/what my food schedule is.

Add in heartburn, stage left.  I don't remember having heartburn this bad the last time around . . . or this frequently!  I basically LIVE on tum, tum, tum, tum . . . . TUMS!!!!  Extra strength, sugar free -- thanks, Dave!!!  I don't get through the night without them.  And it seems whenever I try to eat to feed the heartburn with something besides antacids, it just makes things worse!

Add in Dave's summer diet, stage right.  I love that he is getting into his diet, and I am so proud of him.  He has had a tough last few years, and we plan on growing old together VERY GRACEFULLY!  But it's been hard to find things that he can/should eat and the twins WILL eat (albeit with much prodding) and my body won't completely turn on me if I eat.  So preparing for mealtime is almost as exhausting as mealtime itself.

And somehow in the midst of all of that, I have developed this inability to eat!  Like I have to force myself to eat things (even things that are horrible for me that I SHOULD be craving . . . like cinnamon rolls, for example).  And most of the time, I finish and feel really nautious, wishing I hadn't indulged for even a second.

The things that have managed to escape the "odiousness" list are a whole wheat english muffin with an egg on it (just salt and pepper, nothing else, please!), sugar-free root beer floats, lightly-sweetened rice pudding (made with brown rice), oatmeal . . . and right now, that's really all that comes to mind when I try to think of something I enjoy eating.

Add in nights like tonight -- when my kids (Isaac), who have not eaten all day, even though they have taken PLENTY of mom's time and energy stores to NOT do it, wake up at midnight, sobbing like they have just had their hearts wripped out because . . . "I hungee!  Cee-wee-al!  Momma!  Ceeweeal!  Hungee . . . hungee (sob, sob, sob)!"

And I get them (Isaac) cereal . . . still going through much of the same routine . . . cursing the day and the things I couldn't get them to touch with a ten-foot pole . . . and wishing I had bought more Quaker Oatmeal Squares last week when they were on sale because I can't afford them at regular price and my kids . . . well, they are LOVIN' THEM SOME OATMEAL SQUARES CEREAL . . . even at midnight!

Oh food that I used to LOVE and struggled to walk away from, when will this HATE subside so we can have a RELATIONSHIP again?  Cuz to be perfectly honest, I don't know how many more days of THIS NONSENSE I can handle.

TIME OUT!!!!

I need a time out!  No, really.  A good one.  Like a week with quilting frames, no kids, my sewing machine, someone to cook healthy food for me to keep me fueled, and time . . . time to finish all my projects and get my house perfectly in order and start thinking about baby #3 . . . . .

And I need a Time Out with just Isaac.  Time to play and to sing and to dance and to jump and to count to ten and build a sand castle and bury him in the sand and chase birds and play ball and crash his cars into walls and find safe things for him to bang 'til his heart's content . . .

And I need a Time Out with Abby.  Time to sing and color and dance and swing on the swings for hours and hours and slide down the highest slide at the playground and play with her "baby" and buckle buckles over and over and over again and cuddle and read stories and jump off the sofa onto the floor and . . .

And I need a Time Out with Dave.  Time to talk and play games and read books and go backpacking or just for long walks on country roads and go to the temple and take pictures and make memory books together and take dancing lessons and sing off key and rock out to AC/DC and Michael Buble and lift weights at the gym and go for a nice evening run or a long bike ride or a day hike to a waterfall or a 2,000-year-old tree and cook some elaborate-tasting dessert to go with his famous BBQ Ribs as we host a summer BBQ and play ultimate frisbee or other games with friends. 

Someone needs to invent Time Out Land -- where families re-connect for as long as they need.

Until then, however . . . I guess I better figure out how to create my own Time Out Land!  When I get it pulled together, I'll send out invitations! ;-D

Pregnancy, Shmegnancy!

Okay - I know that I have many friends who would LOVE to have a pregnancy woe day!  So I'm not trying to be ungrateful here, but I have to say that I am SOOOOOO not a fan of pregnancy right now!!!  Why? 

My friend Amanda, who was one of my weight-loss buddies after I had the twins, is NOT pregnant right now and is gathering songs to workout/run to.  As I listened to MY FAVORITE running album -- Collective Soul's "Afterwords" -- to give her some titles to look up and run to, my heart and mind were taken back to last November, pre-foot surgery when my plans and hopes to run a half-marathon in January were cut short -- to the days when I ran two to seven miles on the Chipman Trail, headed out the Troy highway, often with no one and nothing else in sight. 

And for a few minutes, I was full of energy and drive and determination and hopes and all of those feelings you get when you're running and training and pushing and moving and away from kids and house stress and . . . life . . . for just a moment.  When you feel invincible, like you can do anything and you are GOING to do EVERYTHING you ever dreamed of . . . it's all within your reach.  And I remembered the things that used to go through my mind as I ran, my thoughts often turned towards dreams of making my life or other people's lives better . . . of changing lives - maybe even through exercise - or encouraging people to be more than they were, to dream bigger than what was in front of them, to find happiness and joy in their reality, to do hard things and find the strength to do even harder things.  That is what running gave me -- every. single. day. 

And I am so, so, so, so, so thankful that Dave made time every day to come home and give me an hour in the middle of his 14- to 18-hour days to get out and have that moment, feel that release, feel that energy, feel that hope, feel ALIVE and capable of still doing and accomplishing and becoming something more than . . . run-down mommy, at the mercy of my children's schedules (or lack thereof) and whims and mood-swings and messes and developing ability to assert themselves however they wanted (which they have since perfected QUITE WELL, by the way).

And it isn't pregnancy's fault that it stopped -- I mean, my friend Sarah ran almost EVERY SINGLE DAY of her pregnancy, right up to the day before she gave birth.  (You're my hero, Sarah -- and next pregnancy, I'm going to try to follow your awesome example of energy and drive and insanity!!!!)  But pregnancy is the longer-lasting and more permanent of the two accumulating evils, so it gets the bad wrap!!! ;-D

And it is really my hope that six weeks postpartum, we'll be through with allergy season in the Antelope Valley and I can hit the pavement again, Collective Soul drowning out everything but the positive hopes and energy and strength and determination and success that I am really missing right now! It's a little discouraging to think I'll be starting out all over again, working up to running miles one, two, and three, but it will be all the more fun and sweet because I'll remember how much I have MISSED and looked forward to and LONGED for the ability to START OVER AGAIN and . . . .FINISH!!!!

And lest I forget, I'll have this post to remind me . . . :-D

Oh the CYCLE . . .

You know it, right?  Can't sleep, can't function; can't sleep, can't function. 

With Dave being on an "in bed by 9:00 p.m., up by 5:00 a.m. EVERY day -- even Sunday" schedule to keep himself going and make the two hour round-trip commute to work every day (plus fit in workouts at the Base gym), I'm a little OFF!  Not that I don't need that much sleep, but I'm just having a hard time coordinating EVERYTHING going on in this little body right now.  I mean . . . sleep, countless trips to the bathroom all night long, inevitable heartburn that wakes me up at least once a night . . . not to mention all the thoughts of the things I should have gotten done that day and HAVE to get done the next.  But then daytime hits, the twins wake up, and I'm somehow EXHAUSTED and not functioning up to par.

And so the cycle continues . . . .

Can't sleep . . . can't function . . . . can't sleep . . . . can't function . . . .

Up, Up, UP!

So tomorrow's surprise/mystery date has one clue already: Dave came home and handed me Up! -- and that is all I know about that!  Yes, folks, it's true!  We own a movie we have never seen before, intentionally bought it just so we could watch it, and have had a rule for MONTHS now that we can't watch it unless we watch it together.  We don't know what it's about.  We don't know the plot, we don't know a thing about the characters, we don't know the setting or anything more about it than that it is a Disney Pixar film and we . . . . somehow already LOVE it!

  More to come, I am sure!  I can't wait!

Free Readings

My mother-in-law sent me an e-mail to let me know that Deseret Book is offering FREE book links for you to read some of their top books without BUYING them. For example, I just downloaded a copy of 10 Things Wise Parents Know. Check out some of their other books and read away . . . .