Remember

I don't have a lot of time, but my heart is full and I want to write something.  I just got back from meeting with my cousins and aunt to dress and prepare my grandma's body for burial.  When I walked in and saw her laying there, I broke!  It't the first time I have seen here since coming - and as I reached down to touch her hand - it was so cold - hard and cold.  And very puffy for grandma's thin, veiny hands. 

I was missing her smile, missing her laughter, missing her warmth - I was missing her asking me where the twins are, saying, "Did you come alone?  Well, where are my babies?" and then adding, with the largest smile and fullest laugh, "There they are!  Haaaaiiiii!"  Now you know where Abby gets it! ;-D 

I was missing her seeing Brianna in my hands and immediately saying, "I get the baby - bring her here!" so she would be sure to beat my mom to her and let everyone in the room know that she had dibbs!  I missed the song she always sang -- it went like this, "A deedly-dee dee dee dee dy dee do . . . do du diddle dee dee dee diddle diddle dy dee do," and she sang it with a huge smile on her face and in her voice.  She bounced the babies on her lap as she sang it, and when she would get a smile, she would laugh and say, "There it is! I got one - I got a smile - there!  Can I get another one?  Here we go!  A deedly-dee . . . "  And she could play like that with them for 15 minutes before switching to a song that didn't take so much out of her to hold them up and bounce them on her lap.  So she would arm and leg dance with them while singing hyms - "There is Sunshine in my Soul Today" or "Count Your Many Blessings" or songs from her time like Skiddly-dnk a Dink a Dink, skilldy dink a doo . . . I love you!" among so many others.

I missed her laughter to tears -- or an occasional accident in her pants, which was also very, very common for her (but don't tell her I said so - shhhhhh!).  I was missing her calling me Mindy as she asked me to hand her something or help her put her shoes back on her feet or to get out of her chair, zip or tie closed the back of her dresses, help her curl her hair, and so much more! 

I missed her talking to me about books she has read lately or the latest remedy she read in Reader's Digest or one of the MANY spam mail catalogs she got in her mail and ATE UP as only a 94-year-old woman could (and the marketing company itself could bank on)! 

I missed her talking to me about her memories of Grandpa or growing up as a child with her parents. 

Yes, I even missed the daily updates on the lives of the neighbors, whose stories she could sometimes tell better than they could themselves.  She had a front-row-seat, after all, in front of her huge dining room and living room windows!  And more than one teenager was a little chagrined to find she had been watching intently to see when they snuck out and call and let their parents know they were gone!

Yes, in that moment I realized that I wasn't hearing or seeing any of those things.  It was starkly empty and void of Grandma's presence - laughter, singing, jokes, smiles, stories, experiences, shared knowledge.  And I cried at the shock - at the reality as it sank deep into my soul and landed almost with an echo in the silent void in my heart.

However, the spirit of the reason we were there soon filled it in a little.  I remembered again. 

I remembered that we have covenants that we have made with God and promises with those covenants that bind us together as a family. 

I remembered that she was not there - but she is not lost.  I know exactly where she is.  And I know more or less what she is doing.  I don't hope it - I know it!  I know her spirit has left her body and her soul is separated for a time.  But I know that spirit has joined the spirits of those she loves and has loved so dearly and that it is very busy enjoying those acquaintances and catching up on lost time and laughing, embracing, visiting, singing, bouncing, perhaps even dancing with her spirit's legs instead of her body's hands that she used to use to compensate for her body's feeble, aging legs.

And I know that the day will come when her beautiful body will be rejoined with her infinitely more beautiful spirit - her soul will be whole once again, and I will have an opportunity to hug her again and not feel stone - to hold her hand and not feel ice.  I will get to see her hold and love and adore and cherish my children again with those same warm hands one day.  I will hear her voice join there's in the most beautiful duets, filled with music and laughter and smiles!  And I will hear and see her kneel and pray with them and tell them goodnight and that she loves them!

How grateful beyond words I am today that my heart has been able to take so many wonderful pictures with Gandma that I can draw on at any time to remember and feel her. How grateful I am that I know that my Redeemer lives and because of that so will she . . . so will I . . . so will my grandpa and all the rest of the people I have ever witnessed pass on ahead of me to the next life.  We will live again through the atonement and resurrection of Jesus Christ.  And we will live again together through the covenants we have been able to make because of the restoration of the Gospel of Jesus Christ in these latter days of the world.

And last of all I was reminded of my stewardship in having known and interracted so much, so often with this wonderful woman: I have an added responsibility to my children to help their hearts remember the pictures they have taken in the moments I have witnessed, and the ones that I have not.  It's my job to bring it out and help them see and feel and remember as much, as often as I can.  And I will, Grandma -- I will!  They may not remember you as they are now, but I will make sure that they never forget what it was that you gave them to remember: your love!

I love you - I love you!  I'm sorry!  And thank you!