Knowing

Tonight I feel much like I did the night before we went in to have our twins.  We knew we were going to be induced, had an appointment with the hospital, knew that one way or another we would be bringing home our little ones, but beyond that -- we were clueless about what to expect, how it would all play out, what kind of condition I or the babies would be in.

We hoped we were prepared, hoped we had everything we needed to make it through the hospital and the birth and coming home and the first few days with them, by ourselves.

But we didn't really know.

And the night before, you know you need to sleep . . . the last night you'll get any "good sleep" (if you can call sleep during the last few months of pregnancy GOOD at ANY point) for a long time . . . perhaps ever.

But you are so anxious that rationality flies out the window.  And you just can't sleep.  It's that combination of hope and fear and anxiety and excitement and . . . . wanting it to be over but not ready for it to ever come at the same time.

But it will come . . .

So all you really get to do is decide (as much as is in your power) how you are going to prepare for it and what you are going to do about the few hours beforehand that are actually in your control.  And pray that you can have the best preparation when your own body and mind and heart just won't settle enough to let you. 

And it's not really a matter of not having faith in the Lord that it will be alright . . . cuz you KNOW it's going to be ALRIGHT!  It's a matter of knowing.  The knowing the end from the beginning, or at least having the unknowns answered and out of the way so you can get on with the LIVING that will follow the unknowns surrounding the EXPERIENCE you are anticipating (like what it's going to be like to have an epidural . . . and feel contractions . . . and see your babies for the first time . . . and have your water break . . . and get that silly i.v. in your arm, which seems like the BIGGEST deal in the moment and then like NOTHING at all after the REST of childbirth . . . and breastfeeding for the first time . . . and just KNOWING what only patience, time, and experience can answer).

One thing is certain . . . . you don't want to be late!

And, no, I'm not going in to have my baby tomorrow . . . . ;-D