Venting -- and Keeping it Real . . .

I love the quote, 'Be the change you wish to see in the world." by Gandhi

How many times do you look at the world around you and think, "Man - if only we had _________" or maybe even, "It is just too ______ to ______, if we could ______, it would be SO PERFECT!!!"

I have had those moments a LOT -- and I mean LOT LOT LOT LOT LOT LOT LOT -- since I moved here to California.  And for the last seven months, I have felt defeated at every turn, like things I could normally handle were impossible.  Small suggestions like, "Take your kids to story time at Barnes and Nobles" almost leave me in TEARS thinking about going to something like that with one child strapped to my belly and two loose cannons exploding faster than I could run after/catch up to them.  People say, "Take your kids to the park" - um, same problem, open/uncontained space to contend with - you can only run SO FAST with an infant strapped to your belly!  Put her in her carseat in your hands, and you are even MORE limited. Add in parking lots and busy streets within 100-500 feet of you, and serious anxiety sets in!

And everyone always seems to have "answers" that seem so obvious and they just can't see why I'm not just doing it already.  Preschool, swimming lessons, gymnastics, music lessons of some sort, all of these things that other people with children the twins' ages are doing . . . most of them are Mommy and Me classes with one-on-one parent involvement requirements.  Not to mention the expense of two rather than one (a 10% discount isn't much of a facilitator I'm afraid).  Even play groups, which is what people always suggest, they would work for the twins but would totally throw Brianna's entire schedule off and really stress me out just thinking about having to work that hard to get her back in sync when my two-year-olds aren't even sleeping through the night yet and I'm struggling every minute to have enough breastmilk to feed my baby and enough energy to see to all of their other needs.  Moving location to something unfamiliar with two bundles of energy ready to eagerly explore every nook and cranny and me having to spend twice as much time being on top of all that they are doing is really more work than it's worth -- and usually means giving up something I have worked every minute to just have in place on the home front.

I'm not looking for excuses, just being real.  Add in the INTENSE heat and lack of all things trees, paved walkways with shade for people to go to, allergies, etc. -- I have been so . . . bumbed out at the thought of life HERE for the next three years.

Even typing this, I am actually crying.  I know it may seem strange, but it is really, really crazy hard sometimes. And I really, really am not trying to make excuses as much as I just wish that someone, somewhere, would recognize that it's a whole different ball game with three so young, in a new place, with no family involvement and your husband 45 minutes away and virtually untouchable at a new job.  We can't afford a babysitter, and there's really only one young woman who ever offers to help anyway (a 12-year old girl named Chloe -- you don't exactly leave three small children with a 12-year-old for extended periods of time).  All the adults that I talk to, hoping they will offer to help/rescue me for an afternoon or an hour, always just suggest getting a babysitter to take some time out for me.  Thank you -- who do you suggest I get and how do you suggest I pay for it and -- oh, yeah -- why do I want to spend money organizing something that leaves me all by myself out of the house when I spend all day, every day by myself inside my house?

Okay - done venting.  Time to get back to . . . just loving my kids and my life and my reality right now. And giving myself the pep talk that this won't last forever and someday I'll look back and long for the simplicity of these years.